I have mentioned before that I am slowly working my way through old handwritten diaries; they are destined for the bonfire eventually, no way do I want to leave them for others to read.
What a dismal, unhappy life it was; how bleak. I have much forgotten since then, perhaps life was too unpleasant to retain much of it. I have nearly come to the end of the years of misery, within eighteen months I will have met Beloved and then everything changed. Most of what I have forgotten over the years isn't worth remembering except as a blueprint for how not to do things.There was one man who helped me enormously during the time when the ceiling came crashing down threatening my very existence: a psychiatric social worker/probation officer; sadly, him too I had forgotten. But there he was, in the diary, name and all; one lesson of many he drummed into me over a period of counselling was this:
"One thing I absolutely have to learn to survive: Recognise other people's attempts at moral blackmail, "laying guilt trips" on me and reject them without actually feeling guilty as a consequence."
How right he was; for years my nearest and dearest lumbered me with their ideas of how I should live my life, how I could then take care of all and sundry, and how wonderful their lives would be if I only saw sense. And how bloody guilty they made me feel.
When I found the name I thought it would be a kind thing to do to find him and say thank you for what he had done for me. I found an obituary instead. Both he and his wife had died of Covid within a few weeks of each other earlier in the year.
I still recognise the trait in me, still, so many years later, I am tempted to see myself as the person who "sorts things out", who carries everybody's burden, who is destined to smooth the way and accept responsibility. My recent car crash was a prime example: others were blocking the way but I felt I had to unblock it. The damn snarl-up was not my doing!
Reading old diaries I am learning something about myself: No matter how bleak life is, things will change. But first I had to change. And imagining and worrying about what might or might not happen in the future is just so much wasted energy. "Sit still and let time pass," or, in other words, "some situations never arise."
This is a profoundly wise post. Thank you. I hope that when you burn the notebooks, the sadness goes up in smoke too!
ReplyDeleteReading your old journals is reminding you of some profound lessons. How sad the man who helped you died recently, but good you are visiting your past and some things that were forgotten.
ReplyDeleteHave you written your diaries in German or English? Not that ot really matters, I am just curious.
ReplyDeleteIt can be interesting and sometimes rather painful, such an encounter with our younger selves. There was a time when I was very needy when it came to a certain man in my life; re-reading old emails that I wrote to him makes me cringe inwardly. However, it was a learning process and definitely one worth going through. The person who I am now is much more confident and happy than the one I used to be.
The best way to change others is to change yourself. Really, that's the only way to effect change in others. When you change yourself, then the way people have been relating to you no longer works and they have to find new ways. A lesson learned via counseling. Glad you learned to finally reject imposed guilt. You aren't responsible for other people's happiness or unhappiness. How we feel is a choice we make for ourselves.
ReplyDeleteFriko, I too have old journals and reread them on occasion. But I feel myself lucky in that I have never been unhappy - sad on occasion, but never unhappy. Life may not have turned out exactly as I expected, but good non-the-less. I have always known that you can't make other people happy - that's something that they have to do themselves (although you can help by always being there for them and supporting them). I hope reading your old journals shows you how much you have grown... and that happiness is within you...
ReplyDeleteBeing the problem solver and negotiating for their problems is exhausting. Middle child always seems to be in this position. As a teacher, I was a whiz at problem solving. Now, as a retired teacher, it is hard to move out of that job.
ReplyDeleteI have some journals that I want to read again. Maybe.
Thank you for this pertinent reminder. If I knew where my guilt button was I would disconnect it. Permanently. I cannot think of anything good it has brought me. And it is on a hair trigger too.
ReplyDeleteNow you can focus on this second half of your life and all the new and wonderful things you did. The food eating out, the theater, and the music. I am so sorry. I grew up poor and somewhat intimidated, but I did change as a teenager.
ReplyDeleteI have no diary, only my blog. My second husband died in September and the grief for him makes me realise that I didn't have time to give to grieving for Russell, so it's compounded and yet I am still far too busy, It's all difficult, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if reading old diaries is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it depends on what you take from the exercise. But your post reminds me of a quote from a book I just read, The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett: “The hardest part about becoming someone else is deciding to. The rest is only logistics.”
ReplyDeleteHappiness is an inside job, as they say but getting there - well, there's the rub. I had many of my old journals burned. I hated reading them and now have forgotten them.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
They say FEAR is false expectations appearing real... There should perhaps be an equivalent for guilt. But I resonated with your words when you said ... 'but first I had to change'. In a different context I learned that too. Wise words.
ReplyDeleteOh, hello, so sorry to hear that you are alone now, so very sad and I feel for you. Yes, I know Clun very well, my sister lived there for sometime, how long have you lived there? And well done for learning to change, I may have that hurdle to face one day, we are both 85.
ReplyDeleteKind regards, Carole.
You'll never know how much I appreciate the wisdom you have shared with us here. I wish you all the best, my friend ♥️
ReplyDeleteI got rid of most of my diaries last year---I'm nearly 80---kept only those from my teen years. Re-reading old dieries can be cathartic, help us understand ourselves better. Quoting that good advice you got, that helped form your strength, does the man who gave it to you the tribute he deserves. It's putting his device out into the world again where who knows how many others are reading it, taking it in to help them like it helped you.
ReplyDeleteA very thought-provoking post. I am glad you are doing well.
ReplyDeleteI never kept a journal I as was always concerned someone else might read my words or they could be misused. Ironically, some years ago a dear friend, Univ. English instructor, now deceased, gave me a blank paged book in which to journal. I decided to write in it, but my first writing I carefully worded what I wrote in a way that only I would be able to interpret what I was really saying. Lo and behold our house was broken into and my journal, with only that one entry, was stolen from the drawer of my night stand. I didn't resume journaling with a new book.
ReplyDeleteHi Friko - so glad I never kept a journal ... I did write some long letters from South Africa and then realised I could write - and so now wish I'd known that earlier in life. But as I'm on my own and none of us have children - I have no reason to wish to leave my life in print ... also the family on both sides have their histories written in books for them. I can cope and just draw creative ideas that are probably relatively true to life in anything I care to write in the blog.
ReplyDeleteTake care and wish I was up nearer you ... with lots of thoughts - Clun is wonderful ... cheers Hilary
I kept a diary and a scrapbook through high school, and then I threw them all away. I've never regretted keeping them, or getting rid of them. As a matter of fact, my high school year books went, too. I had a wonderful childhood, was miserable in junior high, and accomplished but anxious in high school -- so I kept what was good, and left the rest behind. Now I'm an adult, and busy living life, recording it in different ways.
ReplyDeleteLetting go is so difficult for us German but we can do it. At least I am trying and I am doing pretty well.
ReplyDeleteYou have to do what is right for you. I keep a writing journal, and sometimes find a nugget about my life on years pastt, outside of my writing writing. I do not keep a diary or journal but have friends who start their day journaling. Hope life is treating you better.
ReplyDeleteThat was a valuable lesson and I'm not only grateful he shared it with you but you shared it with us. It's something I have to continually keep in mind. And yes, it all starts with us working from the inside out.
ReplyDeleteI've kept journals for about 20 years. Occasionally reread a few pages. We were frenzied raising 8 kids in our blended family, and I worried and stewed about them all when they were teenagers. Now I look back and realized a lot of that worry was just activity for my anxious brain. As Mark Twain said, "I am an old man and I have had many troubles, but most of them never happened."
ReplyDeleteI've kept journals since 1978. One of the best reasons for writing them is to purge my fears/sorrows. The other best reason is to reread them to know I've survived OK and all I worried about did not happen or in time was OK.
ReplyDeleteOne reason you are so treasured——-You always give us something to think about. Then, the commenters add to the value of whatever the subject is. Finding that you have posted always makes for a better day! Take care of you. No more falls or car crashes, we hope. And thanks for writing.
ReplyDeleteI never kept journals or dairies, but I think about the past a lot. I’m a childless widow. I think we tend to do that as we get older because there is more past than future and that makes me sad for some reason. All the things and people that are gone.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you are at the end of the re-reading of the dismal and disheartening years, and have the wonderful years with your Beloved to look over. I have kept journals for many years, and find that writing helps me to clarify my thinking about an issue, and also has a cathartic effect if something is bothering me.
ReplyDeleteFriko, what wise words. The fact that you decided to read your diaries is already a feat. We do not always want to plunge into a past life. Sometimes I reread old letters to me or to my relatives and I am glad that my past life will not return.
ReplyDeleteBurning the painfully written parts may be therapeutic and some things aren't worth recalling.
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