Sunday 7 March 2021

Midlife Crisis

 It’s only now, when midlife has long passed, that my midlife crisis is hitting me. ( Google says that Midlife crisis” may be another name for the grief, exhaustion, and anxiety that can affect people for a prolonged period between ages 40 and 60. The origins may be physiological, emotional, or societal.) When I was in early midlife my attention was on surviving. Now, in old age, for the first time, motivation is lacking, targets and goals have vanished and there is a panic-stricken feeling that time is not only passing too quickly but also being wasted. Could that just be the effect of Covid? 

I would love to be able to boast that all the idleness under Covid has encouraged me to broaden my horizons, to give serious time to serious reading, to watch critically acclaimed TV programmes, to catch up on concerts, plays and philosophical discussion, documentaries and improving lectures, all widely available digitally. What riches there are to be sampled, what depths to be explored.

No, sadly, what I have done is broadened my bottom instead, sitting for hours, watching endless repeats of ‘Midsomer Murders’ and ‘Morse’ and ‘Poirot’. Yes, I have spent many hours reading, book after book, mainly novels, but of the calibre that needs almost no engagement of brain cells :’Mary Stewart’, Angela Thirkell’, 'Georgette Heyer’, ‘Marcia Willett’, ‘A. Mc Call Smith’, ‘Barbara Pym’, and others, whose names I have forgotten. Whenever that diet of 'warm bath’ literature has become too cloying I have picked up slightly more demanding non-fiction but for the life of me I have not been able to choose the option of reading Kindle-downloaded writers like Hilary Mantel, H. Jacobson, Garcia-Marquez, Sebastian Faulks, or Ian McEwan. I have a highly acclaimed production of Checkhov’s'Uncle Vanya’ recorded, ditto several series of ‘Deutschland’. They are all awaiting less fraught times. For now I need that warm bath escapism. 

I recently had an email from a former blogger who still reads blogs but no longer writes herself, saying that she felt a little intimidated by me, because: " You are so articulate, possessing an air of intellectualism and, with your considerable and impressive knowledge of literate, poetry, art and theatre; your husband, a Classical musician; your friends, most of whom seemed to be cultured and well educated, made it a little daunting to leave a worthwhile comment.”

Well, did you ever! Dear commenter, I don’t know if I am flattered but, if you are reading this, you will have been disabused of your false impression of me for good by this post. Intimidated, Goodness, Gracious Me.

As for further reading material, I picked up my March 81 diary last night, which had the following gem:

“A silly clot from the Gas Board came on Monday. He pronounced our Ascot Boiler unsafe for use. It is now an offence to use the thing. We know all about the danger from gas fumes and we are all quite careful about using the bath or shower, always leaving the window open. Nobody wants to die there, after all. Still, I suppose there will be a letter soon, giving instruction on future use. The silly fool trod in Kavli’s (the cat’s) toilet tray and tipped the whole mess over his shoes. He wasn’t particularly friendly when he came, he was even less friendly when he left."

I found some good advice easily adaptable to pouring over old diaries in "Finding Henry Applebee” by Celia Reynolds:-

"If you want my advice, kiddo, Uncle Frank once told him, you’ll do as I do and think of the past as a casual acquaintance: warmly, but not to the point you want to invite it over for a beer every other night of the week. “

Well said.




33 comments:

  1. Dear Friko - I don't think that you are alone in how you are feeling just now.
    What have I achieved this year? Definitely nothing worth writing home about. I even have to force myself to carry out the everyday essential tasks.

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  2. I think it's not about your age, it's about the age we're living in! That said, there's plenty to be said for Georgette Heyer's brilliant comedies of manners, likewise Barbara Pym. The others, I dunno! A lot of people have had trouble concentrating and not skittering off into social media and tv reruns. It's okay. It will pass, our brain cells will get back in order.

    I never actually had time, like you, for a midlife crisis. Everything falling on me at the time drove it out. And now I'm too old to have one. I'm deprived! You're just fine.

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  3. I have a grandson away at college. He recently asked how much writing I had done with all this time the pandemic has provided. Harumph! I told him. I have wasted a year. I feel as you do. I do not find you intimidating at all. In fact I find your blkog posts delightful and imagine you fun. love that cat litter incident description! Spring has sprung here. I feel lighthearted, again. Also received first vaccine.

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  4. Covid certainly doesn't help. I turn to many of your comfort reads myself. Regularly. Hooray for finding another fan of Angela Thirkell.

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  5. Dear Friko and Friends, intellectualism is not only way overrated, but temporal (i.e., vain waste of braincells). As for midlife crises, that's just a new-fangled term for naval-gazing.

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  6. I'm blaming Covid for feeling like I just wasted a year. I look back for some sort of accomplishment and find little. I miss the social interactions so much.
    However I want to thank you for the giggle with the guy stepping in the cat's litter box. There is justice after all isn't there?

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  7. I think the word for it is acedia. Anyway, you might like "The Splendid and the Vile" by Erik Larson, focusing on Churchill at the beginning of WWII.

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  8. So many people are saying similar things about having wasted the Year of Covid-19 when we could have been improving our minds and bodies. In other words, we wouldn't be so hard on ourselves. It's universal stress and fear of the unknown worming into our lives and taking a toll.

    I kind of understand the x-blogger's email and I think it's meant to be a compliment. You have a wonderful gift for writing and its easy to surmise that you are a well-educated lady with a lot of interesting experiences to draw on. I love your blog!

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    1. Thank you for your thoughtful comment! I am the ex-blogger in question and I most certainly intended my comment to be favourable.
      I, too, love Friko’s punchy blog and authentic voice.

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  9. well said indeed!
    I hope by the time I write this things are more settled.

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  10. Don't go dissing Midsomer, Morse and Poirot to me! How hard is it to come up with a plot for a good mystery where one doesn't guess the villain (of which there are several good choices) till the end -- if at all? You set your intellectuals on figuring out a good Morse and I'll bow down in appreciation! Intellectualism is highly overrated. And part of it is Covid. All our lives we've had to hold our own in conversations with those as smart or smarter than we are, or be invested in a career that has its own demands. And for once we were given the gift of a year to read or watch or listen to what we might like without judgment or obligation. I say hat's off! Face it. We could all die within a couple weeks if we get this plague. How would we want to spend that time? And if you can't garden then the choices narrow. I say own it, love it and if you can out think Morse or Poirot, well done!

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  11. Your Uncle Frank is quite funny. I had never thought about the past personal history that way, but perhaps, he is right. We survived it, though. As for reading light fare and enjoying passive nothingness, go for it. Think about all of those who would love a day or two of that and instead are working endless hours. Your mind will still be strong.

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  12. I have the intuition to share with you that I have been reading swedenborg and finding it psychologically and personally very enlightening. Unfortunately the silly jerks that wave religion around like a flag have cautioned too many of us away from a personal and internal apprehension of these things that are just perfect in later more reflective years. A fond and respectful best wishes to you my friend. Aloha

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  13. Famous Japanese Zen scholar DT Suzuki wrote a book about swedenborg entitled the Northern Buddha that intrigues me.

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  14. COVID lockdown apathy. I remember that well. I like Reynolds' lines.

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  15. good advice from Celia. at night when I'm awake in the middle and my brain starts trying to remember or rehas long dead and dealt with crap I figuratively frog march whatever back into the closet and slam the door and lock it. I often feel guilty for not getting enough done or not accomplishing something with my days but I've been told that just being is accomplishment enough and just as necessary. especially at this point in my life.

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  16. Midlife Crisis...did you buy a flashing red convertible car or plan on having an affair with someone half your age? :)

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  17. Stressful times, and you are living through them. That is enough. I agree about not living in the past, and no this is not a midlife crisis, it is a world crisis though.

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  18. Nothing wrong with indulging in a bit of escapism. Georgette Heyer! I loved her books when I was about 13, and re-read them in my late 20s, early 30s. Delightful, all of them!
    Like you, after too much warm bath reading (I had not come across that term before, but it fits perfectly), I need something more substantial, like having had too much chocolate makes me crave a good old Salami-Brot.
    At the moment, I am escaping on Netflix and getting the more substantial from reading Barack Obama's latest book.

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  19. I love this: "think of the past as a casual acquaintance: warmly, but not to the point you want to invite it over for a beer every other night of the week.“ It reminds me of some other advice I once was given, to wit: "When it comes time to decide, just decide, and move on. Don't keep re-deciding. If you do, and your decision was right, you'll never stop congratulating yourself. If it was wrong, you'll never stop beating yourself up. Neither is particularly useful."

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  20. Am I odd? I don't have these moments of angst. I don't worry about whether what I am doing or reading is elite or not. I know that I have more than enough to occupy every day doing what I enjoy doing and that's enough for me. If COVID were to grab hold of me and bump me off quickly I would leave projects unfinished. I hope always to live my life like this - what's left of it.

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  21. Darling Friko,

    These are indeed strange times and they result in strange emotions, strange behaviour and, most intriguing of all, we find, strange timescales. The natural rhythm of life seems to have been disturbed and we are all searching for a new equilibrium. It will come....just not yet, we feel as there are too many issues left to be resolved.

    So, we must all do what we can when we can to keep on keeping on. Distractions in whatever form are welcome and we regard them as reassuring rather than wasteful. Reading is never a waste and, dear Barbara Pym, well she has been a lifesaver to us. Joy in the detail of everyday life, well we can certainly identify with that.

    It is clear that you are a woman of strong character with a lively and intellectually curious mind. Perhaps life will never be totally easy for you because of this, but it will not be uneventful. Your words give food for thought and for that we, and clearly many other of your loyal followers, are grateful.

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  22. I look back at my midlife crisis and know that I did and said some silly things but I don't regret them, well, not most of them. I moved on, a little wiser, but happy that I gave myself the privilege of saying yes. Now in the winter of my life and dealing with this pandemic and some ills, I have become content to just put things aside. There are no lofty goals and no deep thinking but I still have not given up on hope. I bought some violas today. It is too cold to plant, but there will come that day and there will be some joy.

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  23. When time seems to stretch out interminably such as during this uncertain Covid experience, there is no rush to do anything. We are all in a waiting room. I thought I'd get so much done around the house. I continued teaching until my retirement last month so that kept me on schedule, but during the months when we taught remotely, I felt like I drifted through my days. Escapist reading is something many of us did. I read many of the same authors as you did.
    Brighter days are coming, figuratively and literally - I worked out in the garden for a couple of hours today and feel so much better for it.

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  24. I think people around the world are in a similar state due to this lockdown. I have felt fear of getting Covid, loneliness, anxiety, you name it. You are not alone in your reactions. I have been doing a lot of reading, try my favorite author, Anthony Trollope if you are inspired. Thank goodness AcornTV and Britbox bring me British shows. I am loving watching Still Game on Netflix, comedy set in Glasgow. Let's look ahead to happier days.

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  25. Hi Friko - I wouldn't be inviting that gasman over either - back then or now ... some people are just plain difficult! Mind you my gas man cometh next Friday - but he's ok.
    I too have been watching too many similar series, to keep away from the news, ... and got fed up with one programme set in Penzance and Marazion ... where the direction was wrong! Quite upsetting!!
    Thankfully it is getting lighter and that is making a difference - I just hope we come out and get on with various aspects of our lives ... all the best and with thoughts - Hilary

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  26. Your phrase "warm bath" literature strike quite the chord. Never in my many past lives did I "stoop" to read mystery series, but at the moment, it seems to be my stock in trade. Not just any mystery series, mind you, as I have started on several and abandoned them after a book or two, but only, for the moment, Louise Penny's Armande Gamache series. These seem to satisfy whatever it is I wish to get out of reading these days--and it does make for nice, brief exchanges with the local librarians when I go to pick up a new volume and longer exchanges with friends here who, it turns out, enjoy them as much as I do. I suppose it's a kind of ersatz travel, to a little town in Quebec with its eccentric inhabitants--oh, and with a murder thrown in in each book. I think it's good in these times to give oneself permission to do whatever feels right--or manageable, or both. May all be well . . .

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  27. I don't see Covid year as a complete waste. COVID-19 has opened our eyes, at least in my part of the world. We've become aware that most of our population lacks discipline (unwilling to follow the guidelines), the government is incapable of ruling, corruption is high even among medical staff. What are we going to do with all this knowledge I don't know, but it gives something to think about and even more so, worry about. I don't know when, how, and if the pandemic is going to end, but at my age I have to be on the alert and not ignore the reality around me.

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  28. Horizons are still fairly narrow over in these parts. Since the lockdown of last March, I've not been able to meet with my German club in person. A few of us do chat via Zoom nearly weekly auf Deutsch. We are, however, all non-native speakers. I can tell that I've 'verlernt' so, so much within the past year. Pech!

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  29. I so understand this. I have done little beside comfort reading all the past year I think we are in survival mode and must do whatever works for each of us. But now, with the vaccine abroad and Spring on her way, I'm feeling energized enough to begin washing windows--slowly, with timeouts for sit downs. Brighter days ahead.

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  30. You are too modest - you write very well, which is joy to find. And I sense we need to be kind to ourselves over lockdown. I too had grand plans but in the end I buried myself in work for clients rather than myself. I ghostwrote a book for one - which is an odd experience - and I think I mainly did as a way of avoiding the need to confront more creative work at a time when my 'head' was elsewhere. It's a myth that crisis or calm leads to creativity - it comes when it comes...

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  31. This covid business is causing a whole pile of mental disturbance, grief and anger. Several marriages in my vicinity have broken up, many are hitting bottles of various concoctions, many are gobbling up trivia, the more trivial the better. And what odds?

    We are all in survivor mode, the fatigue is plentiful and waking up in the morning without a sense of doomsday is so rare as to be treaured.

    Stumble on dearest Friko. Stumble on.

    XO
    WWW

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