Monday 25 January 2021

One very good reason to be cheerful


 or maybe several, at that.

Not the flood, naturally; that’s more or less what is expected in January, although it’s never welcome. There is a very minor river under all that water, I’ve posted many pictures of it over the years and periodically mentioned poor neighbours who regularly have to sweep mud and slime from their cottages. Today and yesterday we’ve been inundated with snow and ice on top of the floods and I’ve not wanted to risk going out.

Enough of the weather; I’ve learned a lesson on a totally unrelated matter, i.e., decision making is good for you. Very good. Coming to terms with, and accepting what one cannot change, is good too but I have already more or less learned that lesson in the past.

Let me tell you a story. I have new neighbours, well, newish neighbours; they moved in three years ago. Since then they have been renovating, knocking down and rebuilding, their very ancient cottage, parts of it dating back to the 14th century, and I am sure it’s quite beautiful inside. They aren’t very neighbourly in many ways, friendly enough when you meet them but not given to joining village life. That’s entirely up to them, of course.

Although our houses are a good distance away from each other we have a common boundary, consisting of partly fencing, hedging, an ancient stone wall and several red brick walls and the back of a falling down barn. 

“We need to start on the barn now,” said they one afternoon. There they stood in my garden, looking at the back of the barn. I agreed, the barn is in very poor repair. They weren’t actually asking permission, just telling me that they would need access from my side. Well, naturally, I thought, a week or two of disruption, but one has to be agreeable to neighbours in need.

A letter from the planning office arrived, as required by law, giving a website with details of my neighbours’ plans. Quite idly, with absolutely no malice intended, I checked the website, and found that they are not only planning to repair the wall but rebuild the barn and create a bijou residence with workshop, storage space and parking area combined. A sizeable undertaking indeed, nothing like the plan they had informed me of.

I rang them, she answered the phone and I could tell she was quite taken aback that I had taken the trouble to access the project website and wasn’t altogether pleased with their plans. She instantly shouted down the phone at me.

“You must have a very selective memory then,” she said, “ we told you that we wanted to repair the barn." Nobody shouts at me without retaliation. I did, however, stay polite.

The next day he came over and rang the bell. “I am not going to argue with you”, he said, “we are awaiting planning permission for the project as it is detailed in the application. Oh yes, and our builder says he needs to erect scaffolding on your land.” I was floored. Suddenly, I felt very old and very alone and very helpless. They were going to bully me into giving permission to use my land for their purposes, God knows for how long. I needed to gain time to think. “I need to understand exactly what is involved, bring your builder over to explain it to me,” I said.

Several days later the builder arrived; I was a nervous wreck by now, literally feeling ill and dizzy and unable to sleep.

A jovial type of chap, the builder was calm and friendly. I am sure he told me more than my neighbour liked. He showed me exactly how much scaffolding there would be, the tarpaulin that would have to cover it, the plants that would have to ‘be bent over’ or removed and how long he foresaw the work would last. “Three months minimum”, he said, “depending on what we find when we get started.” Have you ever known any builder who kept to his timeline? I haven’t.

I was almost shaking with nerves but said nothing more while I watched them move off. Having finally rediscovered the pleasure gardening gives me, after many years of neglect, my heart was sore at the thought of losing yet another year. When I mentioned it to him, all he could say was :” with all due respect, if you like gardening so much, haven’t you got all this other space to do it?”, waving his arm in the general direction of the back of the house. 

I hate it when somebody says “with all due respect”, it implies no respect at all; it’s what politicians say in interviews just before they become really rude. I was furious but still couldn’t find the courage to send neighbour packing.

For weeks I felt worse and worse, my blood pressure shot up, the dizzy spells accelerated, I dreamt horrible dreams every night, woke often, ever more tense. I am not exaggerating, I felt so awful I rang the surgery. 

And then, one weekend, I had enough. After agonising for weeks I finally recovered my backbone. I wrote a letter, telling them that there will be no scaffolding erected on my land, that I will give permission for any work needed to be done to the backwall, and only the backwall, from my side, that I am willing to put up with a builder or two and their ladders for as long as this work takes, but, and it’s a big but, that the rest of their renovation and rebuilding project is absolutely not my concern. Several times during our negotiations neighbour and builder assured me that the wall would be repaired from inside the barn; from which I understand that surely it is the main body of work which requires scaffolding, not the backwall. 

I haven’t heard a word since then. I am determined to stick to my guns. ‘With all due respect’ indeed.

Going back to decision making and how it’s good for you: from the moment I dropped that letter through their letterbox I’ve gradually felt better, my blood pressure is now back to normal, I sleep again, and the tense muscles in my back are relaxing.




35 comments:

  1. I say good on you standing up for yourself to the neighbours who misrepresented what they were going to do my omission.

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  2. Wow! Any chance the planning commission won't approve the project? Here, when someone wants to do something that effects the neighbors the township makes sure the neighbor approves. If not, they can't proceed. And no one can build or rebuild anything closer than 6 feet back from the property line.

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  3. I was very glad to reach the end of the post - and to feel my own shoulders relax and no doubt my blood pressure to drop. If just reading about it can cause that tension I can only imagine how bad it was to live through.
    Well done you.

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  4. A situation like this would have affected me greatly, too, with migraines and sleep patterns interrupted and all that. Your neighbours can surely go about their plans some other way, without having to use your land. As you say, it is no concern of yours, and it is not as if they were in dire need of shelter and without a place to stay in.
    Like Misadventures of Widowhood said in her comment, I was thinking of rules like that, too; here in Germany, there has to be a certain distance from the next person's property if one wishes to add an extension to an existing building or build something on previously unbuilt land.

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  5. I am so glad that you stood your ground on this one. They have no right to make demands. Their plans should have begun with respectful requests, not deception and escalation. I hope it will tame them a bit. Please keep us informed about what happens. I will be thinking of you.

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  6. "Oh yes, and our builder says he needs to erect scaffolding on your land.” THAT is not a request for permission... THAT is manipulation. If they need permission... and I would think they do, they certainly went about it the wrong way. I dislike confrontation, but I dislike manipulation more. I hope you will keep us informed. You don't want to make an enemy of your neighbors, but it doesn't sound like they want to be friends. "3 months minimum" is a long time to have part of your property tied up...

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  7. I am glad you are standing up to your neighbours too Friko, and that you have recovered your feeling of wellbeing doing so. Selfish neighbours (with an overbearing sense of entitlement) are blights on any neighbourhood.

    Fifteen years (or so) ago my neighbours across the back party fence demolished (and replaced) said fence without notification or agreement, destroying some of my planting. They notified me after the event by walking across my back garden to my house informing me I should be grateful as we both now had new fencing. (I am sure this was in expectation that I should trump up half the cost – I didn’t in view of how it was done.)

    As the years passed I received letters written by them, informing that ivy growing from my side was destroying their fence and I should cut it down and also learnt they had knocked on my neighbours door ( to the R) complaining about same, probably in hope that they would join forces against me – they are excellent neighbours and didn’t. (Later they received letters too as apparently ivy was growing up the fence from their garden also.)

    Fast forward to three years ago and I had my whole garden landscaped (easy to manage) as I am now too ancient and physically rickety to give it the attention it needed.

    The party fences are divisions between five households, me, one to each side and two to the back. I consulted three of my neighbours and not the nasty neighbour too the back after learning that party wall agreements are not needed if one neighbour alters same without agreement as it then becomes their responsibility.

    The result is that I have lovely fencing bar two thirds at the back as it is the fifteen year old fencing I know I have cut off my nose to spite my face, but I am supremely happy about it!

    No to bullying neighbours!

    Anna :o]

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  8. I think I lived this whole saga with you and when "we" got to the end I was entirely relieved that we had told them to bugger off with their grandiose schemes. Bravo, Friko!

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  9. We're all with you, Friko, and glad you made a good and courageous decision.

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  10. Proud of you for standing your ground as you had every right to. Hope you have managed to crimp their plans to take over your property for 3 or more months. I totally agree with you on the phrase "With all due respect." I cringe when I hear it.

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  11. Dear friko, your new neighbors are shameless egoists. They do though what they need to do regardless of you and your beautiful garden.
    You made the right decision and I love your phrase:Coming to terms with, and accepting what one cannot change, is good too.
    Take care!

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  12. So glad you told them to stay off your land. I never trust people who aren't honest to begin with. Yes--stick to your guns and sleep well. :)

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  13. good! that whole thing sounds like a nightmare, your garden and yard trashed and then they would leave you with the mess. you are under no obligation to accommodate them especially with how rude and dishonest they have been and yes, bullies. stuck to your guns.

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  14. Hi Friko - thanks for your visit to my blog ... all well down here, considering all things. That sort of challenge is so affecting ... and I hope you've written to the Council ... so perhaps the planning permission might be adapted or refused ... but well done for making a stand and getting your decisions put across and what you're prepared to accept.

    It would have been kinder if they'd be open with you much earlier.

    I think I'll need to come back and comment again ... my thoughts are elsewhere: just life, nothing serious.

    With thoughts and I'll write an email in the next few days ... stay calm ... all the very best - Hilary

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  15. Dear Friko, A non-confrontational phrase I have found useful many times is: Thank you for telling me. Unfortunately, that's unacceptable.
    Well done for girding your loins and standing your ground.
    Please look into the Bijou Residence and make sure they aren't taking away your privacy by installing windows and also that there is no intention for a stream of renters, Air BnB, or otherwise.

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  16. Well done! I am so proud of you. I have to admit, I felt like I had PTSD reading this. We've dealt with bad neighbors on one side of us at the lake -- only there was nothing we could do when they chopped down every tree on their property to build their McMansion and pave over the yard. It's hideous (and I was thrilled when they built a fence between the two. But we had no say. You were able to have say with the scaffolding and letting people on your property and I am so glad you stuck to your guns.

    Your life will be loud with a lot of pounding for awhile. Hang in there. Your garden will be beautiful!

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  17. You have done well. Find a pro bono helper with knowledge of such things. Perhaps your council person's office? I hate bullies and am thrilled you met their rudeness properly! I feel my own spine straightening in reaction! If needed, consider a wall of your own to dampen sound and light.

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  18. Good for you for stamdimg up! Nobody has the right to shout at you. Not to mention that any injury incurred on your property would be your liability.

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  19. I always admire someone with courage to do what you did. Good for you!

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  20. Congratulations! Good for you! Hope you have the best gardening season ever...enjoy every minute. So glad you stood your ground. I've had a tendancy all my life to let bullies walk all over me.

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  21. So proud of you, friend Friko:) Sending love from snowy Alberta, Canada, cat.

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  22. I was very glad to reach the end of the post and see that you are feeling better and that you stood up to your bullying neighbours.

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  23. You were put in a very tough position by the (thoughtless) neighbors. I'm glad that you were able to help yourself and your blood pressure by stating what you are and are not willing to put up with with respect to their building project. They underestimated you--much to their chagrin, I imagine.

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  24. Glad you were able to assert yourself and I hope all works out as you wish with your neighbor. They sound like they took a lot for granted and just expected to roll right through with their plans.

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  25. Here in Texas, there's an expression I hear from time to time, as in, "She really told him how the cow ate the cabbage." That's what you did, and they deserve every bit of it. It's a common technique of bullies to march in, announce how things will be, and then get started on whatever project they have while the people around them still are recovering from the shock. You recovered, and I'm so pleased. Keep standing your ground. They're the ones who may need to make some adjustments: not you.

    I've been in a few situations like you describe. Indecision can be a killer: sometimes literally. But as I once was told, make a decision, and then let go of it. Otherwise, if you made the right decision, you'll never stop congratulating yourself, and if you were wrong, you'll never stop beating yourself up. Besides: if somewhere down the road you decide you missed making the best decision, you always can decide again!

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  26. It is so hard for me to understand people who live in their ME, ME, ME world. They feel entitled to what they want; others don’t matter as much as them. I am so glad that you stood up to them. You represent many of us, Friko, who live in the kind, respectful world and expects others to do also, however we have our limits.

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  27. That kind of treatment is not only the height of rudeness, it is egotism and entitlement to the nth degree. Your property is your property, and the damage they could cause to it, let alone the months of being an eyesore, does not enhance their case.

    Stick to your guns! The world is uncivil enough as it is without Those Kinds Of People spreading out in it even more.

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  28. Good for you! I've learned in the last few years that some people see my "niceness" only as an opportunity to further their own interests. Your home and garden are the center of your life and most of the younger, more pragmatic and financially minded people likely are unable to understand, even if they tried.

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  29. Some people are just big old bullies...perhaps a small pig pen on your side would be fun:)

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  30. Glad those facetious words, "with all due respect", strengthened your backbone and your resolve. After all, you have every right to say what can be done on your own property. Is the barn situated right on the property line? Can they dispute your right to forbid the scaffolding?

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  31. I totally understand as in my old house the neighbours removed hundreds of beautiful trees next door and took down a house and erected a monstrosity. My house was devalued and my mentality suffered so much. I can so relate. I am glad you stood up to them. I stood up to mine but the zoning laws were non-existent and they won.

    XO
    WWW

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  32. Good for you, Friko, for holding your own against your thoughtless neighbors!

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  33. Oh good for you! What reasonable limits you've set with such unreasonable people. I hate the expression "with all due respect," too. It drips with condescension.

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  34. Hello!

    "with all due respect..." is in the same category in our view as ...."to be honest..." it never is, never was and never shall be.

    Just catching up and seeing how very much things have changed over the course of 6 years. Keep on keeping on. It is what we can do.

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  35. I would check with the planning Department to see exactly what they are doing and if they have permission.

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