Oh how I wish. But, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. This beggar remains just that, a beggar. No horse. I scroll youtube a lot on rainy days like today and sometimes get stuck on those 'recognise yourself' sites which pretend to help you find deep insights into your psyche. "5 Signs You've Been Emotionally Neglected In Childhood".
Okay, let's see. I said it was raining, so no chance of going out and doing something worthwhile.
Emotionally neglected in childhood, yes, that's me. All 5 signs present and correct. When I finished, my first thought was: "the poor blighters didn't have the first idea themselves. How would they have known how to be emotionally available?"
My next thought was: "Hm, did I pass that on, maybe? Is that why?" Maybe. But there is nothing I can do about it now. And there comes a time when we must grow up and take responsibility for our lives ourselves.
There is a reason for this long introduction.
A couple of times a months I meet with a group of people for German Conversation. Not long ago a lady rang our group and asked if she could bring her Dad to a meeting. She said he had been a soldier in the British Army in Germany and had learned to speak almost fluent German. She warned us that he was very forgetful now, but she hoped that people speaking German would trigger his knowledge of the language and stimulate him. Of course, we said, bring him along.
It turned out that he was far gone into dementia. Not only did he not understand what we were saying in German, it became quite obvious that even an English conversation was beyond him. His poor daughter was distraught. "Oh, we are having a bad day today", she kept saying. "You were so much brighter yesterday." Throughout, she was calm and caring, constantly addressing him, in English, making remarks, asking did he understand, did he remember, while we in the group did our best to include him and her, in English, but with no real sense of penetrating the fog in his head.
And that's where the Kind and Loving Heart came in. This lady was the warmest, most patient, most loving daughter I have ever seen, totally focussed on her Dad, sitting close to him, calming and comforting him the whole time. The most shocking thing was that she herself was seriously disabled, suffering from a debilitating and progressive disease which would inexorably lead to her complete disablement and early death. She was entirely dependant on crutches. At first I thought she might have broken a leg or something, but no, she smiled sweetly and almost apologised for her physical condition.
How many of us could bear this load? When I think how I complain now and have complained in the past about small and large misfortunes, I feel ashamed.
My heart goes out to this brave and kind woman. Dementia is a cruel disease, it takes people away from their loved ones. They still live but in a jail of their own minds.
ReplyDeleteWhat a story - and how superbly told, with compassion and care.
ReplyDeleteYou have nothing to be ashamed of - we are all of us humbled by others at times
Your beautifully told simple story really presses a sense of perspective about our own issues.
ReplyDeleteA wonderful caring daughter. Maybe because of her own hardship, she can appreciate what her Dad is going through, easier than the rest of us. We are all imperfect and much we don’t have alot of control over. No need to feel guilty. Most of us try our best. Mary
ReplyDelete5 out of five, yes! But I seem to have come out the other side and I'm able to have compassion for my parents. Kind lady you told us about is doing a fantastic job of being a human being and is to be emulated by all of us. I'm wishing you warm, aloha and fun. Good wishes!
ReplyDeleteJust reading about her I am humbled. Very. Thank you for this poignant reminder.
ReplyDeleteSuch a loving and kind daughter, doing her best to encourage recognition in her father.
ReplyDeleteToo much introspection is bad for many people. There's such an emphasis now on 'talking therapies' but it's not always helpful and should never be enforced.
It is very touching to see someone showing so much love, kindness and care, especially under such difficult circumstances.
ReplyDeleteWell written and makes me think about how fortunate I am to be a healthy octogenarian with a life partner who is pretty much intact mentally. You are such a good writer, Friko.
ReplyDeleteemotionally neglected as a child. I think I qualify. after both parents passed my sister was going through boxes of papers and found my report cards from grades 1 - 3. teacher's comment was always how clingy I was and needful of attention. I lavished affection on my own children as a result.
ReplyDeleteI am not a good caretaker. it fell to me to look after our mother as she was failing but hiding her dementia well (both siblings lived in other states). she refused to move close to me so I could look after her expecting me to drop everything, my own business and caring for my children, to drive an hour and a half there and back whenever she called and demanded that I had to take her to the doctor, to the store, whatever. eventually she went to live with my brother who she doted on. and then recently when my husband was so sick with pneumonia and they were saying he would have to be on oxygen and would need a walker at home, while I tended to him in the hospital with a smile, inside I was pissed that he let himself get that sick and changed not just his life but mine. Fortunately he did recover and did not need either the oxygen or the walker. obviously, I have some work to do on myself.
Hi Friko - we learn just so much as we age ... I just consider myself lucky with my parents and elderlies (though my father died tragically - still a learning curve) ... and from those experiences have become much kinder - than I think I was in the decades before. Though I rather wish I'd known more over the years ... still we are where we are and I keep learning - blogging offers so much. Cheers and with thoughts from down here - Hilary
ReplyDeleteFriko, I think (and it's only my opinion) that when we are young, we are too busy with our own lives to notice or empathize with the misfortune of others. But as we age and have more time and possibly more understanding, we realize how difficult some lives are. Being kind is such a simple thing. The daughter's disability may make her even more caring. And yes, it also makes me grateful for the life we have. My mom had Alzheimer's at the end of her life. She died at 94... and lived with us for the last few years until a memory care unit became necessary (in her last year). But although I loved my mother, I felt that there was nothing I could do at the end to make her happy. I wish I could have done better.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written, Friko. I often need to remind myself that, compared to the problems some people have, and the grace with which they handle them with, my problems are minor and I should focus more on gratitude.
ReplyDeleteThat was me (Mollybawn). Me and Google are at it again!
ReplyDeleteHello. Good essay. Like you say, it’s incredibly sad how difficult some people’s lives are. By the way, I wasn’t able to post this comment by using my name and URL. My blog has, of course, a valid URL, but your site wouldn’t accept it. Anyway, take care. Neil Scheinin (Yeah, Another Blogger)
ReplyDeleteI think of myself as a lifelong learner - about the world, and about me. Since I retired I believe I've become a better listener, not quite so prone to judge, and able to see my part in the little things of life that aggravate me. I remember when my parents were elderly I pretty much saw them as done. I wish I could go back and do some things differently with them.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing more insightful than those who face each challenge with kindness and equanimity. I listened to a "Ted Talk" by a young child psychologist who carefully explained that studies on siblings and single children showed that parents do not impact the personalities of children as much as thought. Both helicopter parent s and absent parents do not affect the personality as much as thought. She did not talk about traumatizing parents, though.
ReplyDeleteI too found this marvelous writing. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteYour posts are always insightful and make me pause and appreciate. So many parents had no idea how to take care of themselves, let alone their children. I forgive mine, and thank God I have had the chance to positively affect my kids, grands and great grands. Have a wonderful day.
ReplyDeleteUnderstanding is such a mysterious thing. It's been twelve years since my mother died, and forty years or so since my father died, and yet today I feel as though my understanding of them both has changed and deepened. It's not new information that's made the difference; perhaps it's only the passage of time, and more experience. In any event, I realize now that I was both better and worse in my interactions with them than I was at the time; since reliving the past isn't possible, all I can do is apply some of that understanding to my relationships with the people around me today.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it seems to me that we old people are burdening the children with our problems, Friko. And I don’t want to change their life, full of dreams, desires, plans. I try not to expose my problems every time I feel bad. I know that this will pass, but children have their own lives.
ReplyDeleteWhat a kind and caring daughter, when she herself is in a difficult health situation, She modeled something beautiful for all the people in your German conversation group.
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