Losing (Trivia) in Lockdown

Lots of important things have been lost, of course, but here I am talking of the much less important ones. Perhaps I shouldn’t use this heading; those of you who have lost loved ones, jobs, livelihoods, have my heartfelt sympathy and I hope that time will heal the pain and anguish you feel.

In my own case, losses I can immediately put my finger on are trivial indeed. It starts with holes, the holes in my earlobes. I have not worn much else than leggings, baggy t-shirts and loose trousers, bare feet or socks for close on four months. Ear rings are not part of such outfits. I love ear rings and often wear them in ordinary times, but not now. I don’t really know why not. I went through the common or garden jewellery box the other day, again, don’t know why, and the jumble of stuff inside made me lift up some very simple danglers and try to put them in. Not a chance, poking them into my ear lobes really hurt. My holes have disappeared.

There isn’t really much point in trying to wear outdoor clothes with waist bands. I have most definitely lost my waist. When I complained, Wendy said :” that’s age dear, waists disappear as you get older”. If you say so, Wendy, but in my case the expanding waist measurement may be due to age but ageing is ably assisted by chocolate. Being lactose-intolerant I shouldn’t eat chocolate other than the non-fattening 80% sort but I do like a truffle or two, even if it gives me diarrhoea and stomach cramps. Who coined the phrase "being one's own worst enemy”? I wonder if they had idiots like me in mind?

Next I tried the car. I haven't driven anywhere ever since the beginning of lockdown and what with things easing I thought I might get to the optician and also go for a haircut. Really, I am quite glad that my current glasses don’t allow me to see myself clearly, I look like a witch! Not the one with the black cape and pointy hat but the ‘old witch’ with grey hair sticking off her head. Anyway, the car was a non-starter, literally. No sign of life when I clicked the key at it, not even the doors moved. Battery dead as a doornail. My helpful mechanic came, did some magic and towed her away to charge up the battery overnight. She is now back in the garage, still not being driven although I am determined that I will use her soon, before I need another expensive charge-up.

Something of much greater importance to me, and not nearly as trivial as the above, is that I seem to have lost my confidence. When my son was here he took me to a couple of supermarkets in local market towns. I had a short list but lists have never before stopped me from dawdling in the aisles, letting myself be persuaded by clever marketeers to try this or sample that product,  and load my trolley with on the spur-of-the moment items. Not this time, I felt totally unsure of how to negotiate the aisles, the direction in which I was supposed to travel, how to stay away from other customers, not to linger and take my time over the item to choose, how to approach the cashier and how to pay for my small haul of groceries. My hands were literally shaking, I fumbled with bags and didn’t dare to get closer than two metres to the next person in the queue. I have to say that everybody was very kind, the cashier must have seen how nervous I was and he called me and my hand basket to the front of the queue because everybody else had full trolleys. Both my son and I wore masks throughout while only maybe half the other shoppers did. The store was by no means full. I was seriously glad to get out again and all the way home I felt trembly and fearful inside. What has often been a pleasure has become something to be afraid of.

How will I cope when life demands that I set foot outside my comfort zone?