Just Thinking . . .

strange though it may seem to you, there is something liberating about being in lockdown. “I’m loving it,” says Jay who rarely stays at home at any other time. “It’s amazing" says Sally, who can hardly ever be reached because she is literally always attending some local group meeting. "I’ve got clean kitchen cupboards,” she marvels.  Pauline says she’s gone through her wardrobe and chests of drawers, finally sorting out items she’ll never wear again. “I’m getting bored and would love to see a friend for a meal”, Pauline adds, “but I’ve got plenty to do anyway.” Mary enjoys her solitary walks and the freedom to watch hours of opera streamed by the NY Met and the London ROH.

All the daily tasks that normally make me feel guilty for neglecting have disappeared off my radar. Many times I have told myself ‘it doesn’t matter, nothing matters very much except to stay safe, stay well, stay in touch, stay hopeful.

Soon we’ll all know the natural colour of our hair, mousy for the younger ones, grey for the older. I can lick the long hairs in the corners of my mouth,  time to get the magnifying mirror out and pluck.

There’s nothing any of us can do to fix this. We worry about ourselves, our family, friends and neighbours. We are anxious and stressed, sleep is disrupted, we dream fearsome dreams. What we can do is start to control how we act. I cannot stop the worldwide spread of Covid-19 but I can control how I react to it in my own small world, in my mind. There is freedom in that. I can choose to eat healthily, take my allowed exercise, stay away from the relentless news bulletins, particularly before bed.

I can decide to concentrate on the lighter side: I choose books, movies, documentaries which make me laugh or entertain me. I choose to listen to music whenever I feel like it. I enjoy a glass of wine, but not to excess. I don’t overeat.  I choose to resurrect my diary, write down my thoughts, focusing on the upside of my current routine, what I can do rather than what I can’t.

I keep in touch with people, my son and I have a phone conversation once a week now, before lockdown we spoke maybe once a month. I’ve tried to renew contact with my daughter by sending her an email inviting her to forget and forgive, on both sides. She didn’t react. I can control my action towards her, I cannot control her reaction; what I cannot change I must accept. And move on. Lots of friends call, even those I hardly ever meet. I am happy to contact them in return.

I try to keep active. For nearly five years I have felt bored with gardening. Looking after Beloved, then mourning him, took all my attention. Now my interest is back, gardening has become a pleasure again, I go out whenever the weather is nice enough and I get dirty, arse over elbow, digging and dividing, weeding and pruning. All the nurseries are closed, plants cannot be had easily; instead of replanting and restocking I am busy trying to eradicate pernicious, perennial weeds, like ground elder and celandines, which have colonised whole beds during the years of neglect.. Large empty patches don’t matter, nobody is going to see them and when the nurseries reopen I may have cleaned up the beds enough to replant.

Above all, I try to keep positive, a wholly new departure for me. I allow myself to do only what gives pleasure, everything else I ignore. The day will come - I hope - when the luxury of feeling guilty returns, it doesn’t matter now. For now, nothing matters.