Sunday 23 January 2011

From Hags To (Not Quite) Bitches

Celtic Hags - Korrigans



This has been a week for parties, two lunches and a dinner party. And before you think that my life is a series of brilliant social occasions, let me quickly put you right, this was very unusual. The social scene in January is normally as dull and dreary and grey as the January sky.

Still having Beloved’s seemingly innocent but very appreciative exclamation ringing in my ears:  “Aren’t Italian women beautifully groomed!”  while watching a TV show set in Rome, I decided to do something for my outer woman – internally, I am extremely well-groomed, it just doesn’t show up on the outside.

Three parties in one week called for a visit to the hairdresser. I know what I owe myself, after all. That these well-groomed, beautiful women were all twenty years younger than me and more than thirty years younger than Beloved didn’t seem to matter. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

While I was getting my coat and bag upstairs an ominous clunking and thudding sound reached me.

A few moments later a voice hailed me:
“Dearest (!), are you there?”
The ‘are you there’ is part of the ritual on these occasions.

“Just a mo, I’m coming”.

“Dearest (!), I’ve done something.”
This very gently, an apology and a hint of fear already in the tone.

“I’ve got the car out of the garage for you. The rake fell over, hit the window and smashed it. I’ve smashed the side window.”

Our garage is not one of these tidy places you see on TV or in ads, it’s full of junk, gardening tools, two thirds empty cans of paint, shelves with bottles of home-made wine, sacks of dog food and bird food, large terracotta pots and tubs that would crack if left outside in winter, yard brooms, etc. It all works. Everything is stacked and shoe-horned  in and secured, and there is enough room for the car too, provided you snap back the wing mirrors and stop when you hit the tennis ball hanging from the ceiling on a string at one end  and line up the front right hand car door exactly with the door leading into the workroom. It’s easy. A child could do it.

The window was smashed to pieces; there was no chance that I’d be able to use our one and only car.

I am a picture of restraint at these times. I promise I stopped cursing after five minutes and asked politely: “what happened?”

“Well, ‘somebody’ must have shifted the bird seed bucket which shifted the spade which pushed the rake and loosened it from its holder. The wing mirror must have accidentally nudged it which made it fall forward at exactly the moment the window was in its path downwards.”

We never established who the ‘somebody’ was, presumably some unknown intruder in the dead of night; the explanation itself couldn’t have been more logical. And detailed. And well thought out.

I went to all three parties well-groomed only on the inside; nobody seemed to mind.

Beloved and I are speaking again.

35 comments:

  1. Perhaps grooming, like charity, begins at home, and the garage is making some kind of point?

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  2. He was well-intentionned and I have no doubt that you were beautiful inside and out. A delightful read Friko!

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  3. Well, it's what's on the inside that counts. I'm guessing 'beloved' was watching 'Zen'?

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  4. Oh Friko - I'm so glad you and Beloved are speaking again. Sorry about you wing mirror - (little smile because your garage sounds a lot like ours!) I bought myself some make up over Christmas and was trying it out with a magnifying mirror on the kitchen table - set my OH off in hysterics. Trouble is when we go out, I'm running round like something demented and then leave 5 minutes to get ready - so make up stays in the make up bag! Never mind we'll just have to go along with being beautiful inside!!!

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  5. Next time, say to him, "Aren't Italian garages beautifully groomed?"
    -- K

    Kay, Alberta, Canada
    An Unfittie's Guide to Adventurous Travel

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  6. Must have been Gardener.

    and what on earth is your rake made of...iron?

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  7. Sounds like your garage is like ours. But maybe ours is worse, after all we can't get the car in.

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  8. Too funny! And Kay Davies' comment is terrific!

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  9. I'm relieved you don't have a well-groomed garage . . . since we don't. But it does stink about the window. Goodness, what do you do without a car until it's fixed? Anyway, I'm glad no one was hurt. (Right?)

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  10. I wonder if Italian garages are all beautifully well groomed? Just wondering. You know.

    LOL!

    Your internal grooming and beauty are far more important than all else. I'm sure you shone!

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  11. Friko, Such comedy! Great post, I needed the laugh! Your garage sounds worse than ours, if that's possible! The OC is always indignant about persons unspecified storing their junk in his garage! I'm sure it was very mild mannered cursing and I'm sure the adrenaline made you glow at the party!

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  12. Friko, this is one of my favorites for sure! I loved the Rube Goldberg description of what caused the smash and you going to the parties with your well-groomed insides.

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  13. "internally, I am extremely well-groomed, it just doesn’t show up on the outside." Love this line (and why is it I recognize the garage described in such loving detail in the post?) . . .

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  14. What a lovely story. Funny, touching and lesson learned...get a larger garage or get rid of stuff. I must say I was laughing at your problems...forgive me! I am an Italian woman and felt very dumpy while traveling in Italy. I do not know how they do it...but they do! I would have to spend tens of thousands on plastic surgery to come close to a stylish Italian grandma.

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  15. Oh Dear ! Beloved must realise that Italian women aren't real people .... they make their own pasta , for Heaven's sake and call their children Umberto . Real women look like the rest of us .
    And Superwomen , like you , forbear to skewer car wreckers with garden implements , however to hand they might be .

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  16. Speaking of Italian, that was like an Italian comedy. i agree with Ellen Abbott.... That was ah-one ah-heavy rake."
    So well written.

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  17. oh i feel for him...smiles...best of intentions i hope...smiles...

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  18. ADmirable restraint.


    *grrrrrrrr*


    Aloha from Honolulu
    Comfort Spiral

    ><}}(°>


    <°)}}><

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  19. Glad you are speaking again.. but was 'someone' able to detail the direction of the wind when the rake fell? Smiles. Love how you can make light of such things.

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  20. ich musste sehr lachen, das blieb nicht aus, Deine Schreibweise ist einfach fantastisch. So, und nun würde ich aber gerne für Beloved sprechen: er hat es nicht so gemeint!! Ein kleiner Ausrutscher aber wohl... :-) !
    Alles Gute und bis bald! :-)
    Renée

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  21. Husbands can get on your last nerve, don’t you think, but they are always innocent. I have heard many time “someone must have done this…” when we are only two in the house. But be pleased though, your garage is better than mine since we can’t place the car inside it anymore. Funny tale Friko, just wait for spring for a new hairdo.

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  22. First: I am glad that you enjoyed yourself and there were no hard feelings against - somebody :-) Second: You know the old wisdom - always be prepared! (Even if you go "only" to the butcher - you never know). But then: only do that for yourself - that's no contradiction, although it seems like one. Third: "inside" comes first - but "outside" elevates inside - and vice versa.

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  23. That was just downright funny!

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  24. Who is that masked Kay? Her comment was brilliant.....

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  25. Your story is marvelous! I now have my major chuckle for the week. And, I don't have a garage.

    Clare

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  26. My goodness, "Friko's Musings"
    has become "Friko"s World", sans
    header photo, and gosh, for a tic
    I thought I had clicked onto some
    one else's blog. Yet, my more
    sensitive side said, change is not
    necessarily a bad thing, and old
    men need to adjust to it more often
    without fussing, complaining, and
    becoming confused.
    The "tale" was luscious and smacked
    of the levity we all need to embrace
    in our own lives. Your description of
    the contents of your garage are worth
    the price of admittance to this "new"
    format. Loved the winter plant display
    on the posting prior to this, but this
    one sets up our week with the reverence
    and aplomb it deserves; although as an
    old man and beloved husband myself,
    I may take exception to the distaff
    perception of a manly explication.

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  27. Oh but you do tell a story well, my dear.

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  28. Glad you are back on speaking terms - and there's a lot to be said for internally beautiful people :)

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  29. LOL, funny how the plans of mice and men go!

    Glad you and B are upright and floating again. I am much better groomed on the inside.

    XO
    WWW

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  30. Hi Friko, he did mean well and that's what matters in the end. As for appearances I think the inner is much more important - I am sure you have better things to do with your time than to spend hours on the "outer". I know that I do - when I worked in PR I had to be "on show" at all times - now I can be myself - and no I don't stay in my PJs all day but I am comfortable.

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  31. It`s funny how with the male part acting it was always accidentally, while if the other "someone" crashed something, you get asked, "Why did you do that?" Oh sigh. But for the outer appearance I would like to send you to my Polish hairdresser right across the border. Washing thoroughly, with head massage, then cutting and drying, all takes only 20 minutes and costs 13 Euros!

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  32. Oh can I relate to this story...and that is precisely why I now have my own little potting shed out back - and my own DH now has full control of the garage...I recommend the arrangement highly!!!

    A delightful posting.

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  33. That all sounds very much like our garage (although we fit both cars inside, each with its own tennis ball, plus one in-between). I knocked over 3 buckets yesterday, but luckily no broken windows.
    And I'm quite sure your internal beauty was shining through quite nicely.

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  34. Friko, your post and the prior comments are so inspired and well written.

    You continue to convince me of your warm soul and great talent. Almost make me wish I were married and had a garage. xo

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