Shell Shocked

 that's me.

My doctor persuaded me to go see a urologist for a bit of a problem that I'd had for a while; nothing major, I thought. Just a bit of bleeding due to exercise and lugging heavy tubs. In fact, I was utterly convinced that it would be a wasted consultation. After all, I am actually feeling perfectly fine at the moment.

Nothing to do with the reason for my long absence from the blogosphere; I might as well tell you that that was due to me smashing my knee to bits last October, subsequently being unable to bend it and unable to move without great pain. Heavens above, knees are complicated mechanisms! Anyway, the knee is healing nicely and, although I still use a crutch out of doors, I can hobble about again and even sit at my computer for mid-length periods. 

Presenting myself at the hospital on Thursday I was feeling nervous. And scared of the procedure ahead of me. X rays and MRI scan done, I was taken to the examination room for a cystoscopy. The doctor was very efficient and before I could scrunch myself up into a ball of fear and trepidation the camera was in! For those of you facing this procedure in future: there is very little pain involved.

In any case, I soon forgot about pain and discomfort; the doctor was speaking. "Can you see the tumour?" I swear he sounded all excited about it. He swished the camera around and was all excited again about some red lines appearing on the screen. "Hm, yes," he said "that's unusual".

Once back on the chair he gave me an instant diagnosis: "you need to come in for a CT scan, a biopsy and an operation, all within the month. We'll get a better idea of what's wrong after the scan, but you appear to have a tumour on the inside of your bladder, probably due to previous radiotherapy treatment." I had treatment for endometrial cancer more than a decade ago. (Smokers beware: smoking is the other cause for bladder cancer!)

"If you agree, sign here and I will put you on the fast-track cancer list right now." Naturally, I signed. What else was I supposed to do?

Yesterday, Friday, was a very strange day for me. I got up very late, didn't get dressed until after one, had lunch mid-afternoon, ate lots of chocolates and jellies, read, scrolled the web, had a long daytime nap and watched TV. 

Today is a little less disjointed, I am still feeling shell shocked but my chocolate consumption has gone down. And I got dressed before coming downstairs! I took a stroll round the garden and closed my mind to the weeds. Weeds are what happens when nothing else does.

You might not believe this: I am also waiting for an operation on some skin cancer on the back of my head! BCC is a mild form of skin cancer, easily taken care of when you go early enough; I am dithering when to have it done, privately, because the NHS waiting time is about twelve months.

For the moment everything is on hold, Physiotherapy for my knee will stop after Monday, BCC operation will get pushed back and everything else will be arranged around whatever hospital appointments I am given. There are decisions to be made about practical matters and just-in-case plans must be finalised.

If you feel like wishing me luck, please do.