It’s one thirty in the morning

and I’ve suddenly realised that I am completely alone. When my father lay dying I rushed over to Germany to take turns to do the  night watch in the hospital while mother did the day shift. We were together and she held on to me. When mother died I rushed over to be with her during her last weeks and when she'd gone Beloved came over immediately to support me and help with arrangements.

Now that Beloved, my husband, my best friend, my rock, the man I consulted on everything, with whom I made every decision, small or important, has  left me in all but body, I am truly alone, I want to ask him what to do but he cannot answer me any more. There has been a catastrophic change in him since  just before Christmas and the deterioration progresses at an alarming rate. It’s terrifying. Almost nothing makes sense to him and he makes no sense to me. He was obsessing about being in a hospital for most of the evening. Is he trying to tell me something?

Tomorrow some kind of assessment will be done in our house. I hope the person knows what she’s doing and is not just a pen pusher and penny pincher.

I’ll try to get some sleep now.