On the terrace of the RSC Stratford-upon Avon
Beloved sitting on the left.
The thought has been in my head off and on for the past two weeks, so yesterday I googled it. Mr Google has the answer to everything and cites many examples of self-sabotage. Picking just one of the many, here is a psychiatrist and career consultant saying: "We unconsciously respond to stressful situations in ways that hurt us.”
My situation is stressful, yet, there are women in Valley’s End who have a much harder row to hoe than me. And, in public anyway, they appear to be coping better than me. I can tell they are tired, I can tell they wish things were easier, but they remain cheerful, they smile, they cajole and badger and drag their poor old relics into the bright light of public display. And it does both them and their spouses good.
I went to see my lovely GP for a minor niggle of my own and, him being an absolute gem of a man, he said that I must get out by myself at least once a week, that I must continue with activities I enjoy and, most of all, stay in contact with friends and have as much social interaction as is available.
And that is exactly where the doggie lies buried: I am not, never have been, a fan of organised or communal entertainment. The ladies I mentioned in the earlier paragraph are never happier than when they are in the company of many, sitting at a table for twelve, say, in fast and furious conversation, shouting louder than anyone else - in a nice way - and generally having a wonderful time.
We’ve tried it. We’ve joined a pensioners’ luncheon club. Beloved sat over his plate, miserable, deeply bored, irritated by the noise; I sat opposite him, equally bored, inwardly fuming. Why can’t we see these lovely people for what they are: salt of the earth and making the best of a bad job. My hearing is good, I can’t decide whether that was an advantage or a disadvantage during the riotous banter going on.
We have yet to try a daycare centre. On the face of it, it would be a good place to drop Beloved off while I continued into Shrewsbury for some me-time, but the moment the kind and compassionate staff showed signs of organising games and communal activities he’d grab his stick and crawl out of the place.
Call us stand-offish, conceited, superior twits, but we find a quiet lunch for four or a trip to the theatre much preferable. We did both, had a lovely lunch with a couple where the husband is in the advanced stages of Parkinson’s, when we mostly talked about books; we also went to Stratford to see a performance of Shakespeare’s Cymbeline with just two friends. Whereas the communal jollities happen frequently, the outings we prefer come round only occasionally, leaving us isolated and at a loss to know what to do for the best. Although I may wish we were temperamentally suited to join in and, in the safety of a group of sociable, boisterous and gregarious people, forget our woes, going against our nature - Beloved and I are very similar in that respect - won’t do us any good either.
Once life was joyful and exciting, complex and satisfying. Now we realise that it is finite and sad and can be intensely frightening. Whatever it is, it has to be borne. And I don’t believe that going with my instincts makes me an enemy to myself.
To each his own.
Do what ever you are comfortable with. We are not very social either and find joy in simple pleasures like a drive or a walk or just sitting outside. Sooner or later you adapt:)
ReplyDeleteIt's important to do what you enjoy and what makes you feel at ease. Socializing with just one other person or two -- if that suits you better -- is fine. One can feel very lonely and isolated in a crowd, especially if you don't really like socializing on that scale. You're right that going against your instincts does not make you an enemy to yourself!
ReplyDeleteDo what you are comfortable with. Group occasions fill me with anxiety, horror and sadly far too often bad temper. Not good for me, or anyone around me.
ReplyDeleteDear Friko, to all of this I can relate. I would run away - crawl away - from these social gatherings as fast as I would be able to. But I would never feel bad about this and neither should you. You are perfectly right to do only the things you love, like, and enjoy, never press yourself into what you think might be appropriate - it isn't. Appropriate is what is good for you and your husband. I hate crowds and big gatherings, I enjoy small and intimate meetings with friends. I don't like the noise of large groups of people over toning each other and fighting for the stage. I want it quieter and with quality. So do you, that is perfectly fine.
ReplyDeleteGoing with your instincts is, it seems to me, the only sensible thing to do. Yet I understand the quandary. We are also not group activity types, and my mother (yes, still among us and doing OK, knock wood) is entirely allergic to it. The conundrum is as you state, "the communal jollities happen frequently, the outings we prefer come round only occasionally, leaving us isolated and at a loss to know what to do for the best." It's a concern for us, too, and it's not at all clear how to manage it. We send our love and all good thoughts.
ReplyDeleteOne would hope that those at the respite care facility would respect the needs of those of their clients who do not want to join in group activities. For my part, I take pleasure in watching others much more than participating. I'm glad the outings you prefer come around occasionally which is better than not at all. However, frequent opportunities would be so much better.
ReplyDeleteYour doctor's advice is so good, that you care for yourself and get out of the house on your own from time to time. I don't care for large noisy groups either but treasure the small groups I am in, like the Bible study group with 8 ladies in it. We pray for each other and it is a great encouragement. I hope you find happy ways to have some "me" time.
ReplyDeleteI think, too, that you should not force yourselves into doing stuff you so heartily dislike. If it is something you never enjoyed before, why does your doctor (or anyone else) assume that all of a sudden you'll take to organised meals and games like a duckling to water?
ReplyDeleteThe advice you were given about getting out on your own regularly and do things just for yourself is certainly very good. Maybe it won't always be easy to organise things in a way that Beloved is happy with, too, but it is important, and I am sure you can think of things you enjoy on your own.
Going for meals or to the theatre with only a few other people for company can probably be done a little more frequently, too, now that you know how good it is for both of you.
liebe friko, ich habe mir auch schon gedanken gemacht, was ich an deiner stelle tun würde, um mich etwas zu entspannen. natürlich kann man dies als aussenstehender nicht wirklich sagen, aber ich bin wie ihr, ich liebe auch die grossen gesellschaften nicht und für mich ist es ebenso wie für euch eine qual. was ich, um ruhe zu finden tun würde, ist auf ein wirklich gutes konzert zu gehen ( in deinem fall wahrscheinlich auch das theater , aber mit der sicherheit, dass niemand anwesend wäre, den ich kenne. das ist wahrscheinlich für mich einfacher als für dich... wenn du dann ins gespräch mit fremden leuten kommst, ist es entspannend und neutral sozusagen und oft sehr interessant. du kannst einfach da sein, ohne eine geschichte, ohne ein vorurteil, du bist dann einige zeit ein mensch mit einem ganz normalen, vielleicht zufriedenen leben, der da ist und etwas geniesst und liebt... und du wirst nicht glauben, wie entspannend das ist und wieviel neue kräfte man hier sammeln kann! was dein arzt sagt, ist absolut richtig, kein zweifel, nur in deinem fall musst du den tip nur etwas modellieren. wichtig ist wirklich, dass du ab und zu abstand gewinnst! dir die besten wünsche und liebe grüsse! renée
ReplyDeleteHi Friko - good to see you and to read your news ... I'm glad you were able to go to Stratford and see Cymbeline ... and to have that pub lunch. I totally understand where you're at ... all the hospitals/nursing centres we (my mother and I) went to we avoided similar type activities ... just not us (nor my uncle). Both enjoyed the one to one company of A.N.Other .. ie daughter or niece - who had some knowledge of their needs, likes, etc and who could converse. But I needed breaks ... even though I wasn't full-time.
ReplyDeleteI do hope you will be able to get out on occasions ... perhaps there is someone who could spend time with Beloved for a while - and let you have some time out ... someone who is intelligent and of the same ilk, who can and will engage with him ...
My thoughts - Hilary
I have never been a fan of communal entertainment either...in fact I do not like it. For those who say the answer is "get out and mingle with people" - well that may work for some but not for others. I prefer to be by myself with a book and a cat :)
ReplyDeleteDepending on the day and the circumstances that brought the thought to mind, my version of Hell is: a cruise ship, anything Disney, Las Vegas, or a senior citizen bus trip. Lying beneath my aversion, of course, is a preference for enjoying a high degree of freedeom to set my own course, and a general dislike for crowds.
ReplyDeleteI happen to be on a little two-day getaway, and your post reminds me of one of my own strange quirks. I never am lonely when by myself, but I can be quite lonely in certain groups of people. In fact, there are individuals who have made me feel entirely lonely in the past -- a good sign that I need to reconsider the relationship.
All of which is to say -- a forced march is a forced march, even if dressed up as socializing. Yes, you need contact. Yes, you need simulation. You don't need added guilt because of who you are. After all, there's a little group of people gathered here who like you precisely because of who you are.
I think most people are comfortable when just in the company of a few other people. Even adding a fifth and sixth person can disrupts the flow of conversation. I think you are more the norm and you should not feel guilty about your feelings. In any large group of people laughing and looking like they are having a good time, there are probably a few in the group that feel they don't belong and want to go home. We are all different.
ReplyDeleteI learned a great deal just reading the comments on this post, Friko. I wish I could say what is the right thing for you and Beloved to do, but I cannot. I am a social person and enjoy the company of one or more. But I also get bored easily when the people are not to my liking. Yesterday I went to a barbecue gathering of people I don't know and left after an hour. I did my duty and showed up, and then I left. :-)
ReplyDeleteThe question is then, how to multiply the opportunities to do things you do enjoy.
ReplyDeleteI would have a chat at that day centre to see if your husband's preferences can be catered to
Bring in someone to just sit and keep hubby company while you get out and about. You do have to get away at least one day a week even if it means attending a museum by yourself or a luncheon with a close friend. I am not one for group meet-ups unless we are DOING something. I hate idle chatter with folks. Yes, my/our (your readers) time will come. We all deal with it as best we can. My friend has transferred he husband to a home after caring for him for years. His falls were dangerous for both her and him. She sees him every weekend even though he does not know who she is. But she is now taking trips and volunteering and realizing she has to design her remaining years carefully and well.
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm not a joiner either. and we've never been the type to entertain. we are recluses. my husband worse than me. I'll go out with my sister and do things and I work at the antique store one day a week but he never goes anywhere or sees anyone but me. occasionally he'll go over and chat with our neighbor. oh, he runs to the bank and does the grocery shopping. I guess that's his social encounters. anyway, the doc's advice is good, even if you are getting out by yourself to stroll around, peruse a good bookstore, window shop, even walking Millie. but no need for guilt. we are who we are. I have tried many times in my life to change my nature, joining this group or that, and it always fails.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I are finding difficulty making new friends at our age. We do get out, but sometimes being alone is better than being in a crowd. Have a great day.
ReplyDeleteDear Friko, perhaps you've already sensed that I am not much for organized jolly times either. In my years of retail management, I was required several times a year to attend three-day (yes, Three) off-site managers meetings. Amongst the groups that gathered together were quite a few folks whose company I enjoyed ...but the group dynamic of enforced corporate enthusiasm was...hell. The only respites came during certain meal times, or on the train ride back to Grand Central Station. I was required to participate and dutifully participated. Exhausting.
ReplyDeleteAgain, I will mention how much I enjoyed meeting you in person and wish that we could meet often for a coffee, or lunch, or a walk, with lots of conversation on the side. My NYC friends and I share a preference for this sort of socializing. Some of them currently are facing challenges similar to yours and find it difficult to arrange get togethers. How I do miss seeing them! We try to make do with emails, just to keep the friendships warm, so to speak.
Lots of love to you and yours. xo
I have that mixed bag of liking people/craving solitude. The only reason I went to the art festival yesterday (after going to the garden nursery on a more than gorgeous day when everyone else was there) was because I'd never met Rick's stepsister, who was an exhibitor. But the time I got home (after saying hello and having largely inconsequential chats with at least a dozen people) I was wiped out. Completely. And the day before was social, too.
ReplyDeleteIn her book The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron asks that each person take an artist date by themselves once a week (I suppose no one would care if you went WITH another artist). But basically, it interprets to alone time. Time to shop if you like or go to a gallery or visit a garden not your own. I think your doc is a wise man but sometimes the practicality is a bit tough. Even if you can nab a Beloved-visitor for a few hours and can run away a bit, I hope you do. The play sounds wonderful. And being with friends with whom you are comfortable.
The bottom line is you need to find what you can do and what is right for you. Otherwise, you're going to get a little wonky and that won't do either of you any good. You're in the stress zone now, my friend -- as well you know. We'll all be there if we aren't already. Just remember to honor yourself. You are a person deserving of honor.
I've never been one to join groups, either. I tried it when they started up activities here (new senior apartments) but I am down to going to the library outreach so I can read by myself--LOL! It's not that I mind socializing but, like you, I prefer it to be with people of my choosing so I am more comfortable one-on-one or with a very small group of people I know. I have found my patience level for gossiping, game playing, complaining, judging, and all the rest has drastically diminished living alone for the last 10 1/2 years.
ReplyDeleteI think you doing something on your own once a week is a good idea, though--or even once every other week. You need some me-time to recharge. Even if it is just sitting at the library to read--by yourself--LOL! And don't feel guilty about it! You shouldn't try to be anyone but yourself. Do what you like to do. :)
I relate to what you've written, Friko. Neither my husband or I are joiners. We have a handful of close friends, but we don't necessarily see them often. I was recently thinking that perhaps we're too isolated, but we're content. I am often alone on my rambles and don't mind my own company. However, it seems you need a caretaker for your beloved and that is a problem I haven't faced. I do think your DR was wise to caution that you must get out and about each week. Now, you must work out how that can be done so you don't feel guilty about leaving your loved one. I send you hugs from CO.
ReplyDeleteWe too are the sort that enjoy puttering around on our own, detest organized jollity, and who prefer our socialization to be more manageable: a meal, a pint, a talk, a moving on!
ReplyDeleteMoving to new place where I know no one, to a different climate, with a recently retired husband, has brought these related issues very much to mind - especially as I have had some ill health and a full blooded scare (shadows on a routine dental image that took 3 different clinicians to finally identify as "certainly no problem now or probably ever. We'll keep an eye on it through the years...." I was writing my will and crediting my dad with a good choice of lung cancer as there was no outward deformity.... Good Times! So now I'm just going easy on my self. We lunch, I work on my blog, visit others, while sitting before my window on the water and birds.....I just want to enjoy this as long as possible MY way. And I've made a real move to jettison my tendency to little panics about this and that. Nothing must be allowed to destroy the moment. I won't trouble trouble till trouble troubles me. Thanks for sharing meaningfully!
The all clear on the dental image took 2 weeks! I still panic a little remembering it!
DeleteI don't necessarily agree with Mr. Google but that's another topic. I totally agree with your Dr.'s recommendations -- you must take care of yourself to stay well & also be able to care for your loved one. I join the consensus of others here to seek what gives you pleasure whether alone, with another or a few, but doesn't have to be many. There's something to be said for outside distractions occasionally. The reality is that your husband may have to accept a less than ideal arrangement for himself in order for you to have respite. He must try to adapt or not, but you can't fix everything for him. Sometimes the choices we have in life do not include any that fully meet what we want.
DeleteMy comment was not intended to publish as a reply to Cloudia -- sorry.
ReplyDeleteI put one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on. David has not got off the deep end yet, but his hearing is so bad I must do most of the driving. He takes his old banger, totaled a few months ago, to the grocery store, down a back street four blocks away. Meanwhile, I've been on acryingjag with my daughter who became. Grandmother three days ago. She misses he Dad. I miss my Mom. I'm better today with sunlight and roses.
ReplyDeleteSounds as if you have found a way to live your life in a way that fits you best. We can never judge our insides by someone else's outsides, and are foolish to try.
I hear U, friend Friko ... lovely to read Ur thoughts ... and U know what? I have my lil fibre optic x mas tree up all year round ... because I like it, and nobody can tell me different ... so there ... smiles ... Love, cat.
ReplyDeleteDear Friko,
ReplyDeleteI can so relate...Ralph and I are not chit chat....games like children people. We like to be on our own and do things our way, not social for the sake of social. Do the things that you love and that you can. Its the best we can do and I thing the best for us. I was glad to see a post up as I often think of you both. Take care and God Bless you both.
Like almost everybody else commenting, I also dislike group "fun." It is stressful and draining, especially if one isn't feeling well to begin with. Wishing you the best from far away.
ReplyDeleteEveryone's right ... One day a week is vital , whatever you do with it .
ReplyDeleteVisiting the library or a museum , having coffee and a bun in a nearby town , even a bus ride ... as long as it gets you away .
You just have to explain to the day care center that your husband will be quite happy to be left in a comfortable chair with his book and a cup of coffee for an hour or two . After all they want everyone to be comfortable ; it makes their work easier , too . Equally , if they provide lunch , they will want to know what hís preferences are .
Oh yes , and it's like starting your five year-old off at school ... once he's enrolled you'll have to quite firm about taking him . He'll settle in very quickly so long as you don't dither !
Friko, can relate to all you share. I do not like group gatherings and seems
ReplyDeletemost I was close too have now passed away. Started over 8 years ago, fine
until this last year, doing all I know to do.
So important that one day a week you do something for yourself.
I am so with you. On Saturday last I had 2 events which I was committed to being at but the 3rd? I was honest. I said "The other two have me socialized out for several days, I can't possibly overload myself." And there were puzzled looks but no comments which relieved me.
ReplyDeleteI think like you do. Organized thigh slapping communal events? I just about lose it completely. A form of purgatory.
But yes, take some solitary time. If you can. And no comparisons with anyone else.
XO
WWW
It seems clear to me that you've got to do things your way. Healing doesn't come by doing what works for another person; it has to do with what works for oneself. So maybe you just try to orchestrate more of those intimate get togethers, even if they are just to chat and have dessert together. It doesn't have to be a special event, just a more frequent one. And I think the me-time is essential, so I hope you can find a way to make that happen. I suspect writing time is important, too, because I imagine that writing is part of your coping process…as it is for me.
ReplyDeleteMost of all, don't get down on yourself. You need to be your own best friend right now…Who needs a critic when you're already struggling, right?
Hugs to you my friend. And keep writing.
=)
I agree with you, Friko. I do not like to be in the company of the unfamiliar elderly and sick people, to me better to be alone or with a dear person to whom is interesting to talk.
ReplyDeleteWe each must move at our own speed and along our own path, even if it's not the same path someone else might have chosen. There is no right or wrong way to deal with things; you must be true to yourself. Good luck -- and feel free to use your blog to vent. We are all pulling for you! xoxox
ReplyDeleteYou cannot apologize for not reading other's blogs. You are too kind. Keep the pace from day to day, one foot in front of the other and my simple little blog will be waiting.
ReplyDeleteOh, I understand -- being averse to crowds myself. But I do hope you can find a kind sitter to stay with your Beloved so you can get out on your own now and then.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot of merit and truth to 'going with the instincts' rather than listening to the mob/inner voices telling you to do otherwise.
ReplyDeleteTrust your instincts, Friko, Whatever works for you (as long as it is legal) is ok. Protect your own time and don't feel guilty, everyone needs some rest, stimulation or relaxation and you are entitled to your own ways of finding this. Blessings from Dalamory.
ReplyDeleteNo wonder Beloved is crawling out the moment games and communal activities are mentioned. I would as well.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I also think your doctor is right and you should do something for yourself that you enjoy. I hope you can find a solution. Is there someone who could sit with Beloved while you're away? And is it possible to have lunch or tea with your friends a little bit more often than once in a while?
No, Friko, I don't think that going with your instincts makes you an enemy to yourself. I know it to be very, very hard for some of us to do what others do so very easily - the joining, the playing games, the group outings. I think it would be terribly presumptuous of any of us (who are all fond of you, I believe, and wish only the best for you) to offer 'you should' or 'why not try'. It's a hard time of life and you haven't been handed an easy situation. I think you'll probably make the best of it - do as much of what you like to do as you can, enjoy what you can and see people - as often as possible - who don't make you want to grind your teeth. I think it will be hard and then it will be alright and then it will be hard.....and it will go around again. No answers here, but a belief that you will do, as you must always have done. You'll rise to it, get on with it, through it and make the best of what you're handed. I remember, nearly four years ago, that you asked me what I thought of you. Do you remember my answer? If not just let me know, and I'll email it to you.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you with affection....
To Thine Own Self Be True. I don't know how anyone could be happy going against themselves and joining activities that do not make them happy. I could see you doing that least of all. I think of you fondly, and pray that this difficult time will also bring you great companionship and comfort with those you find most companionable and comforting. My best to you, always.
ReplyDeleteIt's not stand-offish or superior to prefer more intimate gatherings. People are just wired differently that way, with some preferring big social groups and other the company of another person or two (or even none).
ReplyDeleteI'm with you and your beloved. I shall go into my dotage alone, thank you, except for close family and a few fine friends.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to admit the same, as I have for years smiled and been sociable. It wasn't true, it was false and opposed to who and what I/we are. The only company we truly enjoy is that of our family. Immerse yourself in the company of those whom you love and who deserve your time.
ReplyDelete“I don’t believe that going with my instincts makes me an enemy to myself.”
ReplyDeleteI find that I can please others or I can please myself by being who I am. I feel as you do about situations in which people talk competitively. It’s easy to be in such venues and wonder what is wrong with oneself, when the fact is that other introverts would feel the same if they were there, which they don’t tend to be.
You are quite right, you need to do what feels right to you - there is no need to expect yourself to change just because your circumstances have changed. There is nothing wrong with hating communal get togethers - they can really set the teeth on edge. I wonder if you will be able to fix up a few more outings with friends, when you can relax and be yourselves?
ReplyDelete