You know that Kelly, who comes and cleans the spaces in my house which can be seen without moving furniture, also works as a peripatetic carer; she is the kind who gets a shift which allows her about 20 minutes max with each of her elderly and some very old patients. She is paid a pittance, barely above the minimum wage, whereas her employer takes a fair dollop of cash off both private and state employers.
Although this state of affairs makes me extremely cross it’s the not the point of this post.
With many of her co-workers succumbing to the flu, Kelly was swamped with calls over the Christmas period. One of her chaps, a man of 84 whom she described as a very sweet and friendly old gentleman, felt unwell when she visited him the day before Christmas Eve. Kelly decided to do something, she rang his doctor and the old man’s daughter too, to let her know that dad was poorly. Kelly stayed with him until the daughter arrived, who lived just half an hour away. The old man was still on Kelly’s roster the next day; she heard that the doctor had been and prescribed some medication. She did what she had to do and left for her next patient.
On Christmas Day a colleague of Kelly’s was on duty. When she arrived at the house she found the old man lying on the floor in front of his bed, stone cold. She immediately phoned for an ambulance and was told by the switchboard operator to attempt resuscitation. Kelly’s colleague said that rigor mortis had already set in and the man must have died sometime during the night, alone and helpless. In spite of her conviction that she could do nothing she performed CPR.
I don’t know whether the old man could have survived if somebody had actually taken care of him, but I’m thinking that death in the embrace of his family would have been infinitely preferable to such a miserable and lonely end to his life.
Well, I don't know. Orson Welles said, "We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." You never know what went on between father and daughter in days gone by. Overall, I suppose I'd feel sorry for the daughter and the guilt she might feel for not having been there. As for Dad, his troubles are over.
ReplyDeleteNot to make light of his passing, you understand.
Profoundly sad, Friko. We all hope for a good death, preferably one in our own bed in our own home, preferably surrounded by kind people who genuinely love us or care for us. There are no guarantees, however. Old people are often marginalized — often unintentionally — and, if we're not careful, they can fall off the margins before their absence is even noted.
ReplyDeleteThat is sad. But I don't want to be surrounded by family. I'd prefer to be struck by lighting or hit by a bus. Not sure if that sounds morbid or weird...
ReplyDeleteMy mom passed when my sister and brother went home for the night and I went into the bathroom to take a shower. The nurse said that a dying person often holds on to life until all loved ones have left the room.
ReplyDeleteMy mother did the same thing, and the nurses said the same thing. I had been with hMom since about 9 a.m., and at 6:30 or so, went home for some dinner and a shower. I just had finished eating and was preparing to go back to be with her, when they called and said she was gone.
DeleteI hadn't thought of it before, but that is exactly what happened when a dear friend of mine passed several years ago, also at Christmas time. I'd been with her until 11 pm or so, went home, and her son phoned at 3 am to tell me she was gone...How sad that this man had no one with him even in another room, and how wonderful is your friend, and all nurses, in fact, who do the work most of us are not willing to undertake. Thanks for sharing this, Friko!
DeleteHard for someone to be there in the middle of the night unless they are sitting vigil expecting it. My mother was dying and she held on til all three of us arrived, a matter of days since we were all out of state. We went to visit her with plans to return early the next day and she died in the night alone as in the previous comment. My brother in law was in hospice care at home with his wife and children sitting next to him but he had been unresponsive for at least a day so was he even aware of their presence? Perhaps if the old man had been found in his bed instead of on the floor it wouldn't have seemed so sad.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much loneliness out there. Sometimes I will go to a home and I am the only one they have seen for days. I try so hard to bring light and love but how much can you do in a 15 minute visit?
ReplyDeleteI think Ellen is probably right with her last line. Finding someone on the floor replays a very sad, scary and ugly scenario in our heads. Still, no matter how, it certainly touches the hear. Your Kelly is a kind and caring soul for getting involved and trying to help. As are you for allowing this stranger to you (the man) deeply enough into your heart that you needed/wanted to acknowledge him here.
ReplyDeleteFriko, what you tell us in this post shows how close city views can be to what really happens to country dreamers.
ReplyDeleteI think that I would like to meet Kelly someday.
NYC is above the freezing point this evening. That could change tomorrow.
xo
This breaks my heart. Yes, it brings so many images but probably many of us look and go "how would we like it should we be that person?" and a little shiver runs through. My friend, Gretel, who died yesterday, decided (when her cancer was getting worse and her home health aides constantly changing and requiring retraining) to move north with her son and his wife. They were such wonderful caretakers and she was surrounded by her family, her dog and cat. I know not everyone can do that, but oh, what a difference it makes when they can.
ReplyDeleteI must say, Kelly is quite remarkable. Good for her, taking the initiative to call the family and doc and do something. I feel for the poor woman who found him; that had to be a shock.
Thank you for sharing this story. It is a gentle reminder and caution to us all to look after the others in our world.
Some paid 'carers' are just that...caring.
ReplyDeleteShame on governments who cut services to the elderly who have paid their way all their lives, who have rendered service to society...and shame on us for permitting it to happen.
It's really sad that sometimes people are left alone to die. where was the staff in this facility?
ReplyDeleteIf I understand it correctly, the old man was not in a facility, but in his own home, which is why he had the carer come in in the first place.
DeleteThe daughter must have felt rather awful, and Kelly probably did, too, although as far as I can tell from the information you gave they both did what they could without actually moving in with the old man.
ReplyDeleteLet's hope that he died quickly and wasn't on the floor, conscious of his helplessness and the life slowly leaving him, for hours.
When I found my 41-year-old husband dead on the floor in our living room five years ago, he looked so "asleep" that I was sure he had not suffered even before the GP confirmed it. And I have the solace to know that he was not lonely, but happy with me and happy in his life. One of his big fears was that I was going to die before him and leave him a widower. Well, that certainly won't happen.
It's truly sad how many of our elderly people die alone.
ReplyDeleteWe hear stories on the news about people who have died and not been discovered until days or weeks later as they have no-one who will miss them.
Hello,
ReplyDeleteYour Kelly sounds like a National Treasure and is clearly absolutely in the right profession as a carer. Unfortunately, it is sad that often such people are very badly remunerated for what they do.
Death is a great mystery. When and where it may strike us we know not, but come it will. It is strange how one so often hears of cases such as the one you describe around Christmastide. Strange.
I fully expect to die alone but am not fretting about it ., and would definitely prefer it to ending up in a 'facility' , however well run .
ReplyDeleteThe important thing for us all is to have some contact , whether by telephone or e-mail , with Meals on Wheels , or with a drop-in carer a few days a week .
But old age and death are inevitable and cosy families aren't standard issue .
Kelly is an Angel.
ReplyDeleteLove my lifestyle and computer keeps me in constant touch with family.
Hope I go quickly and someone finds me soon.
With not many years left
guess we all have that thought
or similar..
Friko this is so so sad :(
ReplyDeleteThe world needs more Kellys...
Heart rending on so many levels, isn't it? Thank goodness for all the Kelly's of the world, and there are many of them, for the extra care and kindness they bring.
ReplyDeleteI like to think he wasn't alone, but towards the end he began to be visited by his long lost relatives on the other side. Of course it might only have been inside his head, but that makes little difference. I sure do get visited by them during my dreams, and it's very comforting.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me think of proportion - if that is the right word: so much attention paid to certain deaths in the news, so little to others, but all equally important. Well done Kelly, you are a gem and deserve recognition as such.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot not mentioned in your story: we all identify with different parts.
But I know I am guilty of never letting my family know my real situation: I don't want to worry them, feel that I need to be 'the adult', don't want any fuss, need to feel that i can sort myself out, etc etc. There are complicated psychological forces at play here, as well as the tragic economic and political ones.
Such a sad story.
My MIL died in an institution but she was still alone.
ReplyDeleteDavid is 86 this year. God willing he will get his wish and die in his own bed. So sad about his old fellow.
ReplyDeleteRe Kelly, with all the demands on limited dollars, or pounds where you are, I am impressed that any care was available, especially from Kelly. However, the "overhead" paid her employers is disgusting. There must be a special place in hell for folks like this. Dante probably found it.
I try to remind myself now and then that I probably will go as that fellow did. With family gone now, and without the resources for one of those wonderful "care facilities," my choices are limited.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I could be hit by the proverbial bus this afternoon, or be caught in the crossfire of the drug war, or trip on a step and be found at the bottom by someone who only would be irritated to have their afternoon interrupted. Better to care for ourselves as we can, care for others as opportunity presents itself, and focus on living. There are people who die a thousand deaths before the end truly comes, and I'd prefer not to be one of those.
As for Kelly, she clearly is one who follows the advice I once was given: do what you can, not what you can't.
We go when it is time for us to go. Going suddenly like he did--that's my goal. The majority of us die alone, even if we are in a hospital or hospice or family is right there in the house with them. People have died in their sleep next to their loved one and the loved one had no clue until they woke up. I have heard so many times of the slowly dying waiting until everyone has made it there to say goodbye--and then they die by themselves after everyone has left, anyways. Being alone does not automatically mean you are lonely. No way! I've told Dagan and Leah that if I am lucky I would prefer to die peacefully and suddenly alone at home...and Miss Karma (or hopefully a new cat because I do hope to outlive her) will eat me if she gets hungry. And made them promise to keep the cat for me after I am gone. ;)
ReplyDeletedang.
ReplyDeletethat is painful.
Kelly is an angel. This story is heartbreaking, simply heartbreaking. My mother lives alone because she is stubborn and will not let us get her caregivers and she will not move near us. She is 98. This is my worst fear for her. I live six hours away if I don't stop along the way. It takes me seven or eight hours these days to make the journey. I simply shudder when I read something like this. I beg her to stay in and away form church and places where she could get the flu, but nothing keeps her at home. I hope Kelly does not blame herself. She is truly an angel for what she did for the poor man.
ReplyDeleteHow did I miss this post. And yes, it is heartbreaking. Dying alone, with family so close...
ReplyDeleteSad to think of the old man dying alone, though I think it is worse to think about him being alone at Christmas with family so close by.
ReplyDeleteHallo Friko,
ReplyDeletetragisch ... aber mit 84 Jahren sieht das anders aus als z.B. mit Mitte 50. Ist unserem früheren Nachbarn, der fast 80 Jahre alt war, auch passiert, dass er über nacht im Schlaf verstorben ist.
Gruß Dieter
Oh, that's really sad.
ReplyDeleteHi Friko - I completely agree ... how very sad - words can't describe. I sincerely hope he's at peace now. Hilary
ReplyDeletePerhaps he was not miserable nor alone. I like to believe that when our change form day comes, there is the comfort of friendly energy available nearby.
ReplyDeleteLike Pondside, I find the real sadness is that he was alone at Christmas. Sudden death can catch us anywhere and at any time and quite probably when there is no-one with us. That said, a society that pays the Kellys of this world such a pittance and gives them so little time with their clients has its priorities very wrong.
ReplyDelete