Sunday 30 August 2020

Of Matters Temporal and Temporary

It looks like I am not going to take sensible advice anytime soon.

“I think this could be a lot of work to keep it all going. Are you sure you want to carry on? Do you think you can?”

I had my son and his wife for a visit and a lovely time of almost endless talking it was. My voice was quite hoarse when they left. However, to qualify, we chatted for hours, with the exception of the time they spent clearing up more of those heaps of prunings, choppings down, clearings out and repair man’s leavings that I seem to collect nowadays. Only about six weeks after the previous five trips to the dump another three followed this time.

My daughter-in-law admired what she saw but there was a definite look of concern on her face. She hadn’t been to visit for a year at least and, not only did I become older by a year, but my house and garden haven’t shrunk in that time. Even worse, my gardening obsession has returned and, my knees having become stiffer, my energy levels lessened and my old codgerdom having increased, she had every right to express doubt in my general ability to continue my slightly head-in-the-sand attitude. For the knees I have bought a kneeler: it is not too difficult for me to get down on my knees, it’s the getting up again that’s the problem. The kneeler has two upright handles which allow me to heave myself up quite easily. I combat the energy loss by working for short, hour-long, bursts and taking a rest in between. As for the old codgerdom I try to make a virtue out of it; I quite enjoy looking helpless and asking all those nice men who come to do jobs, and even neighbours, for assistance.

I believe that my d-i-l’s concern is genuine, not the ”let’s-put-mum-out-of-her-misery-and-put-her-in-a-nice-home-for-the-elderly" syndrome. Not at all. She did, however, while we were sitting idly not watching a TV show neither of us was interested in, look around and remark on the ’stuff’ I have. The full book shelves, china and glass cupboards, pictures, rugs, ornaments, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, etc; all the stuff one has around and hardly uses. And that was just one room. I could see she was really bothered, which in itself was unusual for me; nobody has been concerned for me in any way for years, maybe even decades. My own son has only recently started to ask “Are you alright, Mum?"

“What do you want done with it all?” she asked.
I was puzzled. “Done with it?”

“Yes, all this stuff that you value and enjoy and then somebody comes and takes it away, and your whole life just disappears."

I think she was thinking of so-called house-clearers who bring a van, tell you they’ll take it all away if you just pay them a few hundred pounds and skedaddle.

It appears she was worried about the two of them, after my demise (which she hoped wasn’t for a long long time yet), having to descend instantly, sort out and dispose of, and vacate the house almost the day after the funeral. Come to think of it, the funeral too was a problem, had I made any arrangements?

Poor d-i-l, she was thinking of her own parents after their death, when she and her sisters laughed and cried and reminisced while clearing out the former home. There are three of them to support each other. I think she was comparing their situation with mine, as she imagines it, solitary, unregarded and neglected and unloved by the very few family left. She only relaxed when I told her about the facts and procedures of probate (which I also hope won’t be necessary for a long, long time yet) and that there will be no need to vacate the house until after that complicated process has been finalised.

Her visit has made me think. She is quite right, I must go back over arrangements made years ago; I have actually been meaning to make changes to my will for some time now. Then there are unofficial bequests of bits of furniture, jewellery, books, etc. Charitable donations need decisions. And maybe I should appoint a second executor, the one named now is getting a bit old himself. And as I am going to live for a long long time yet, he might be senile by the time I pop my clogs.

However, regarding what started this all off, my daughter-in-law’s musings about house and garden and all things temporal and temporary, I say this: good advice is always welcome, but what you do with it is up to you. You only ever ask for advice when you already know the answer, having already made up your own mind anyway and all you are really asking the other person is to confirm your own decisions.

Having ordered a load of large plants like two Italian cypresses, a couple of bamboos, a mahonia, and a hydrangea, from a wholesale supplier on the internet, would confirm my decision: I am not giving up gardening and garden designing anytime soon.








41 comments:

  1. I can see her dismay both at the eventual loss of you and the massive work clearing the house would entail. I agree that you don't need to be too concerns, but bringing your affairs up to date is wise.
    I've down downsizing significantly this year, same idea in mind, to spare my son the work as far as I can. It's not easy to face, agreed.

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  2. I hope you read what I meant, not what predictive text said! : Concerned, been, rather than what ended up there!

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  3. Your DIL’s concern seems to be coming from a loving heart. We all need that.

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  4. There seems to be a bit of a morbid edge to her concern, although we all have to face realities I suppose. My advice (not that you need MY advice)is to keep on doing what you can do for as long as you can and enjoy life to the fullest at whatever level that may be. I sure intend to. And if old cogerdowm can accrue some benefits, why not exploit that too!

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  5. Younger people like your son and daughter-in-law usually have such busy lives and I suppose it can be a bit overwhelming to contemplate that time when they will have do deal with an elderly parent's stuff. I see that in my nieces dealing with their dad. I look around at all the stuff I have and marvel at how much a human can accumulate in a lifetime, all connected with memories which makes it hard to part with stuff.

    Enjoy your gardening as long as you can manage.

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  6. "It looks like I am not going to take sensible advice anytime soon."

    This could have been written (and said) by my 35-year old son. He even admits that he asks for advice then usually does not take it. I find comfort (and humour) in knowing this. It also has made me stop dispensing advice to him (and others, to be honest).

    Putting your efforts into amassing living things in your gardens seems far more worthwhile than collecting things like jewelry, china, and knickknacks. More enjoyable, too, since you are out in Nature and enjoying her gifts.

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  7. Making clear arrangements is always a good idea, no matter how soon or far off in the future we think they will come into effect. We learned of the death of a fellow musician from O.K.'s village band this past Friday night. She was only 48. Having been diagnosed with a non-operable brain tumor a few months ago, she did all she could to prepare things for the time of her death and after. I must say I am rather selfish in that respect; when I day, that'll be it, no children or spouses to provide for, and my parents both in their mid-to-late seventies.

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  8. Being 83, I can weigh in on this, from *our end, of the trail.*

    I was an only child, having to take care of and dispose of, a 2 story family home and contents. It~was~hell....

    Now what you do, is certainly going to be, your decision.

    Mine... Was to try to get rid of "stuff." Those items, I/we no longer make use of, or love. My husband is not so ready to do this, but that is not my issue.

    We have made will-provisions, for everything. It has to be done legally!!! Not just a nebulous wish.

    And as for my "stuff," family knows, they have no duty or obligation or guilt, to keep it. They can get rid of it, as they wish.

    Because of my own experience, I do not wish to do such, to any of my children or grandchildren.

    My choice!

    Yours is yours.

    ~smile~


    But

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  9. Interesting timing of this post. I just started making plans myself for when I can no longer function. I say garden as long as you can and hire out what you can no longer do as it is so important to you. It is so nice that you have family that care and wish you only the best.

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  10. I have been feeling rather similarly to your DiL, but regarding myself. I have too many clothes that I never wear, too many spare blankets, sheets, towels etc. and too many bits and bobs that I value but will anyone else. I really should get my act together and have a good clear out.

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  11. This rings true. So very true.
    We undeniably have too much stuff. I am happy to move some of it on, himself is not.
    And yes, the garden IS too much for me, but brings me joy and solace. So I also do short bursts (and sometimes longer ones). An update to my will is also required. While longing for himself to make one. His decision I suppose, but if he were to die first I would not enjoy attempting to sort things out.

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  12. I consider myself fortunate to be married to a "cleaner outer" sort of person. He constantly goes through stuff to see what can be dispensed with. Of course, that doesn't include my closet and drawers, which are filled with clothing not used in a decade. I'll get to it one of these days. Maybe. I loved this post, a reminder that it is nice to have someone actually care about these things. And I also continue to garden! :-)

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  13. Friko, I have always been one to "listen" and then do what I think is best for me. No one knows better than yourself what is important to you. Follow your heart - but be sensible too. There may come a time when gardening is no longer a possibility, but perhaps that time has not come yet. As for getting things in order, that too is good advice, but also a personal choice as to when and how. But always heart-warming to know that someone is looking out for you, yes?

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  14. I only speak from my own experience as you know. I didn't want anyone making decisions about me and my home and grounds which I was still managing with some help.

    But after my beloved Ansa died and I was finding it more and more difficult to manage my small inn, I looked ahead to a year from then and thought will I still be able to manage all of this? And the answer was clear as a bell. And when I told Daughter I was on a waiting list for a seniors' independent living residence I saw a momentary relief flood her face and knew I had done the right thing.

    You will know.

    XO
    WWW

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  15. At a certain age, regardless of whether one can afford a regular cleaning lady and gardener, one should start downsizing on all fronts, to make one's life simpler and easier. In addition, one must act sensibly, and not leave a mess to the heirs.

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  16. I say do what's best for you. Keep gardening as long as it is a love not a hindrance. And your pullup garden stool sounds like something I could use! Best to you.

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  17. What type of bamboo? And that kneeler sounds just the bee's knees. 😉

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    Replies
    1. Thanks U, I was relieved to hear it's the clumping type and not the 'thug' type! Enjoy that gorgeous English garden of yours. X

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  18. keep going in the garden as long as you are able.

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  19. So nice that you had a good visit with your son and his wife. Wonderful that they are there for you.
    Yes. I am glad you plan to keep on gardening. I bought one of those kneelers a couple of months ago, but it's been so hot here in TX that I haven't had much opportunity to use it. I am going to copy that paragraph about taking advice! All my life I have remembered something said about me in my early years of teaching. Friend Mary said, "Rose will ask you what you think, but she will always do what SHE thinks." Sort of the same idea in different words.
    Enjoy your garden. I so enjoy your blog. Always the thoughtful one, you are.

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  20. Hi Friko - that's great to know your son and his wife were up with you for a few days ... they'll be up again anon to help with the odd things. It does seem as though you have a lot in hand and well done on keeping going with the gardening.

    I'd go with the flow - you've got everything in hand, anything that isn't up to date - can be fixed relatively easily; then perhaps getting your son and DIL to help you with losing a few bags of items from the house when they're with you ... things they won't want and you don't need any more: but again only a 'nice/thoughtful' thing to do while they're with you and can help carrying etc.

    Enjoy the new plants and seeing the Autumnal plants and colours appear - stay safe and enjoy life - all the best - Hilary

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  21. Tell your daughter-in-law that they can always hire a skip when the time comes.

    A life can be tidied away in one afternoon flat.

    It's what, ruthlessly and (to me) regrettably, my father did with his grandmother's dwelling after she died at nearly one hundred years old. I was abroad at the time, notified too late to employ damage limitation. But then he is the man with the tidy desk, an always empty waste paper basket right next to said desk. I am under no illusion that when he and my mother bite the dust there'll be nothing left for me or my siblings to sort through/in memory of them. Other than the wastepaper basket. Empty.

    Happy Gardening, Friko,

    U

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  22. It's just stuff, and it's temporal. i keep a few things, but not many. More stuff = more cleaning. No thanks.

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  23. well, good for you. I don't understand why the youngers want us olders to stop doing what we enjoy as long as we can still do it. yes, we often need more help than we used to be still. it is what gives our lives meaning and enjoyment. why do they want us to stop? my sister's two daughters have been after her for years to start getting rid of some of her stuff. screw that. it gives her pleasure. their concern isn't for her but for themselves so they won't have to deal with it. selfish. as for what we want done with our stuff after we die, well, we won't really care as we will be dead.

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  24. Do as long as you can do. I agree. Downsizing is a good thing--not for the benefit of others, but because it is good for you. Just feels good. It may be a kindness to them, but as a side effect--LOL! We all need the things around us that make us happy and for it to feel like home. You will know when your gardening adaptations aren't enough anymore...but hiring enthusiastic gardeners is always an option. ;) I'm lucky that I only have one child so there will be no squabbling--LOL! And my DIL will probably keep most of my art & craft supplies...possibly even the grandsons will be interested. I don't care what they do with anything once I am gone. Just take care of my cat. ;)

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  25. After flying back to Sweden to take care of four different estates (while jet lagged) I set up a living trust, which includes all my wishes and my will. A trustee will take care of that, no probate needed. And by now I have cleaned out all my closets, gotten rid most extra stuff, except for what's in the china cabinet, broom closet, and a few kitchen cabinets. I have enjoyed the process so much and was especially happy when my linen closet got done. I even open the door, just to enjoy it. Silly, I know, but it was a mess and is no more. I still have DVDs and CDs to go through, but that should be just fun, no heavy lifting or sorting. This has worked well for me and made me happy. It may not work for everyone.

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  26. I am very glad to read that your visit with your son and DIL was so pleasant. He has been attentive and helpful, and a parent could hardly wish for more.
    When my mother moved out of her house of 55 years, it fell to me to clear it out. I wouldn't wish that on my children—it was an exhausting, lengthy ordeal. Periodically, I spend a week or so culling and getting rid of stuff by way of charity shops or the local buy-and-sell websites. Mind you, I am not the collector my mother was, even less so after sorting through all the things she had accumulated. She wasn't a hoarder by any means, and her things were not cheap, but I learned a lesson about hanging on to stuff just because. There are some things I won't part with, but they have to be at least two of the following: a)practical b)useful c) beautiful d(very meaningful. That rules out a lot.
    On the other hand, a friend in France has the attitude that her children can bloody well earn their inheritance, and she intends to just keep her house as it is.
    As for your garden, I say 'full steam ahead'. It is a significant source of happiness and purpose for you, and you should stick with it for as long as you can, with whatever help you need. I'd love to see photos of it once things are in place. Big (and gentle) Canadian hug to you!

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  27. Dear Friko, in the convent I owned nothing and so some 53 years ago, I left with nothing. But rather quickly I began to accumulate "stuff." Some of the stuff I valued; other things I simply needed at the time. But there must be some gene in me that wants to let go of things because for most of my life since, I have used the week between Christmas and New Year's Day to declutter. To go through cabinets, drawers, closets and give away or throw away anything I haven't used or worn or thought about for the precious year. That made moving easier 11 years ago when I left Minnesota after 38 years and moved here to Missouri. I've continued this pattern. I simply not want my brother and S-I-L or my nieces to have to make decisions about all the "stuff" I have. My niece is coming to take photographs of those things that were costly so that my family won't put them in a garage sale and ask for $1 when I paid $550 for something. They might get $5.00! Now I mostly have around me the object d'art I treasure that bring back memories of friends.

    As to the will: I need to do a little changing on mine also. I find this wearying because my mind seems to want to hibernate in the midst of the debacle we here call the COVIS crisis. Peace.

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  28. I keep thinking I'm getting better at clearing out. Perhaps I am - but I also rather like accumulating stuff. I hope you do keep gardening!

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  29. You are awesome, your awesomeness:) Many knuddles and much love. cat.

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  30. You need to do you, but also consider the after time. I am not a keeper and have downsuzed multiple times even the family sentimental stuff . No use or specific purpose and its gone...

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  31. Your garden goals may keep you going for a long time!

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  32. I think that perhaps much of her concern is, as you suggested, triggered by the somewhat recent handling of her parents' matters. I know I always get an itch to do something like clean the house after spending time with people who are neater or less cluttered than I and when Covid hit I started to panic about all my excess "stuff" that someone would have to deal with. (The it dawned on me "someone" was Rick and it will become his anyway as beneficiary, so then it's his problem and his gain on any estate sale, and I felt a lot better!) I think it's wise to have a back-up executor and especially to make sure that people you would like remembered with a little something -- jewelry, certain things from your home -- are acknowledged in some legal way or at least in a way that is an understanding with your son. But it sounds like that's on your agenda, too.

    My two cents? Plant those hydrangeas and that bamboo and live your life. Clean out if you want on the days you feel like it (winter will be long) but don't force a decision if it's not the right time and place. And you'll be just fine. (And they sound lovely to care and to help.)

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  33. While we have been living in our very small place in Tucson this summer, one of our sons has remodeled what used to be a basement to create a lovely - also small - apartment for us. We are returning there this week and I can hardly wait to see it. I am a minimalist but my husband is a keeper of things, so we'll be spending much of the next two months agreeing on what can be rehomed and what can not. I am surprised to find that those things which I can no longer do - like a ten-mile hike - I have no interest in doing. There is still plenty to enjoy.

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  34. Hi Friko. Thanks for stopping by my blog, because now I've found your blog! I just spent a little time reading your last posts. Your blog resonates with me very much. I have marked it as a favorite and I will be back. Nice to "meet" you.

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  35. Good to hear about the recent new plants and garden plans. It sounds mentally and physically health-promoting.

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  36. I'm no gardener, but it seems to me that over time one might come to echo Gerard Manley Hopkins when it comes to garden design - "Long live the weeds and the wilderness yet!"

    But yes, it does no harm to keep reviewing one's accumulated stuff and deciding what's clutter and what isn't.

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  37. Dear Friko, I easily part with things. Of course, there are things that keep memories. But mostly I donate clothes, bags, shoes etc. to a charity fund. As for the advice, you perfectly well know what you need and after listening to the advice, do what you want, do gardening - it makes you happy.

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  38. Well, I keep in mind the dictum offered by William Morris: "If you want a golden rule that will fit everybody, this is it: Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful." He said that in a lecture given to the
    Birmingham Society of Arts and School of Design in 1880, and I'd say it still holds true. I suspect that Morris would hate Marie Kondo!

    As I mentioned, I unwillingly gave up my computer for a week after it and my back-up hard drive entered into what seems to have been a suicide pact. I'm happy again! And speaking of computers and friends with advice, one of my friends asked me last week, "Have you given anyone the password to your computer and your WordPress accounts?" Oh, whoops! Something else to be tended to.

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  39. my post disappeared like I will soon do, now want nothing but my garden and can no longer
    work in it. Anyone that visits and likes something I hand it to them, Frkio, your words are mostly for me.

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  40. I relate to what you wrote and are thinking in this post. Since my hubby died in 2016 I have been decluttering and decluttering and there is more to do! Is it multiplying when I sleep? Also I went to an estate attorney and she wrote up documents for me as I wanted, and now all docs are in one place, at my house and she has a copy. Let's simplify for the younger generation, my sons in my case. I sure enjoy being in my house, and had my back and front gardens changed so they are much lower care, lots of trees and flowering shrubs. Enjoy your home and your gardening.

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