Sunday 9 February 2020

Compliments and what they lead to.

"You are looking really well. Have you got over . . . ?” That’s where she stopped, a little unsure of whether she had paid me a compliment or been tactless. But she did sound surprised and as if she meant it. Christina is not one of my close friends; we just happened to have been invited to the same Remainers’ Party.

She was by no means the first person to tell me that I am looking well, several others have said so recently, close friends as well as casual acquaintances. Looking in the mirror I noticed pink cheeks but no great changes otherwise. Apart from a slightly shorter haircut. Jay, who is a friend, had complimented me only a few days earlier, also with a surprise in her voice. So I decided to find out what they thought the difference was.

“Tell me then, if you find me looking surprisingly well, how did I look before?” Both Christina and Jay were taken aback; apparently it is not polite to put people on the spot, we are meant to say ’thank you’ and move on. Both eventually gave in. “Well", said Christina, “you look less oppressed, freer, brighter.” And Jay said “a cloud seems to have lifted from over you.” Nothing to do with health, nothing to do with make-up or dress; nothing but a change in attitude. And because my general attitude has changed I sleep better, I appreciate small things in life, look forward more than backward.  There are days when I feel strangely elated for hours on end, burrowing into a a deep sense of well-being, as into a safe and cosy nest.

It’s taken three years since Beloved died to find myself again. I expect there will be sad and dismal days, but the worst is over. One never gets over the loss of a special person but it gets easier to cope.

I believe that Christina Koch had it right when she said : "Do what scares you. everyone should think about what intrigues them and what draws them in. Those things can be scary, but they usually mean you are interested.”

Ms Koch is the female astronaut who has just returned to earth after the longest continuous spaceflight a woman has ever undertaken. 328 days in space, just think of it, nearly a whole year.

Should we all challenge ourselves, no matter how old or infirm? Taking complete control of my life, dealing with authority, workmen, the day to day running of my household, having sole responsibility for finances and making them tally, overcoming such challenges as facing the taxman, lawyers and officialdom; rain coming through the roof and windows leaking; yes, I have had quite a time of it and, yes, it was scary most of the time. I have not been on a spaceflight like Ms Koch but I might as well have been for all the lessons I have learned.

As, for example, on just one tiny occasion I was dithering if I should accept the new toilet bowl the plumber had brought. I hated it, it left a large piece of flooring uncovered after he had installed it. I knew I would hate it forever and feel newly annoyed every time I went into the bathroom; the old me had Beloved to back her up, the single me was worried that the plumber might simply refuse to change the bowl for one with a bigger pedestal. Still, I stood my ground, quaking inside, and he agreed to dismantle the new installation. He charged me, of course, and next time I will know better and check before any job is completed. But, and this is the important bit, I felt enormously proud of myself!

No wonder I am looking better. It’s true, a cloud has lifted, I am coping.

So, what do you think? Is it good for us to come out of our comfort zone and face new challenges with courage and determination? Or should we look for anything for a quiet and undemanding life? There are times when the latter is not possible, of course. Many of my still coupled friends say they don’t have the first idea of how to cope without their husbands. I hope they won’t have to, but, if they do, I can tell them that anything is possible.







28 comments:

  1. A good attitude does make us look and feel younger. I love the feeling you had after confronting the plumber and standing your ground. It's an important benchmark in widowhood, I think, to deal successfully with contractors.

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  2. Hello Friko. Loved this post. It's three and a half years since my O/H died and I can identify with everything that you are saying. It IS scary being in sole charge of all the little things that go on in your life but facing up to them definitely makes you stronger and free.

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  3. yes, a wonderful post. it is amazing how just a change in attitude is reflected in your physical being. and overcoming obstacles contributes to a sense of well being and pride. I think the more we challenge ourselves, the more we grow and when we are growing we aren't dying.

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  4. It's probably good to overcome and do things, but it is so sweet to stay in one place sometimes and not do anything at all to make waves. I suppose, though, we can accomplish more than we might think!

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  5. I'm glad to hear that you are through the worst of a huge loss. I was really surprised when you said it has been three years. Time just flies by these days, and I worry that I won't be ready for my own next loss of family or friends. I'll cope, but I don't want to.

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  6. This is by far the happiest I have been due to something I've read in a long time! Yes. Yes. YES! As I have aid before: you are sort of a canary in the coal mine to me, and seeing you thrive lightens my own anxieties enormously. Thank you so much for once again sharing honestly and unsparingly. Your clear thinking/writing is a big part of it! Wishing you all the best

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  7. Learning to cope with life's problems and disappointments is a challenge but is necessary. So glad you are finding your way. I sometimes chose the quiet life but only briefly as a respite. I have to be careful for it can be addictive. Attitude really can make a change in physical appearance and is much cheaper than cosmetics or surgery.

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  8. I am so glad that you are emerging from the cloud of grief. I don't think we ever get over it, but instead find a way (mostly) to live with it.
    And yes, an attitude change is intensely liberating.

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  9. I think brighter might be the key word. You are feeling and looking brighter. I think the most I would miss with the loss of my partner is not having a sounding board for thoughts and ideas and not having someone to make and make back to you those meaningless little bits of conversation, such as, what glorious weather, or did you hear on the news.....

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  10. A wonderful post, Friko. I'm so glad that the weight of grief is lifting and how kind of your friends to tell you so. I think challenges at any age are great and keep us all lively and engaged. However, there are times, such as while grieving or ill, when comforting and familiar routines and things keep us going. Attitudes are of vital importance.

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  11. As with almost all things in life, I guess balance is the secret. If someone is constantly facing challenges and fears, that can't be good for them. Ask anyone who had to flee their home because of wars or catastrophes; I bet they could have well done without being forced to leave their comfort zone.
    But every now and then, it is good if we accept life's small (and some less small) challenges, as these allow us to discover how good and strong we really are.
    You know, when you mentioned that your husband died 3 years ago, I could hardly believe it, but then again I can hardly believe it's been more than 10 years since I was widowed.
    Like you, some people were amazed at finding me looking well. In the first half year after Steve died, I felt that some were observing me as if they were waiting for me to crumble right in front of them.

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  12. I think perhaps your son brought about the good change in your life.
    I distinguish between living alone (which is not all bad) and feeling alone (which is bad). The latter condition is usually due to absence of family in the background.
    So, try to strenghten as much as possible yout mother - son connection.

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  13. You yourself solve many problems, such as with a plumber and with the tax authorities. This strengthens your attitude to the independent life, Frico. Therefore, you can give good advice to your friends and if they need it. I'm sure you look great.

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  14. I believe it is a happy medium. Going a bit outside the comfort zone at time and then finding the quiet spots. I think the assessment your friends made must be quite accurate and spot on. Not something you can "see" in hair or whatever. But something you feel that translates to your demeanor. I "see" it in your recent writing. There is a strength that can come from healing and I see it here.

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  15. Changes on the inside show on the outside. :)
    Congrats, dear one!! Having to learn new things, face new challenges, and be pushed outside our comfort zones makes us realize what survivors we really are. Gives one confidence facing the world. *hugs*

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  16. I am logged in through Google when I comment...not sure why it does not register correctly! I also have to re-log in on some blogs when I comment. Not yours, but others. Something freaky but not nefarious.

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  17. I am also coming out from under a huge cloud of grief..mine being the loss of my mother. I have thought over the past two years that I would never be myself again..yet here I am, being me, after all.
    Kudos for the toilet change...I would have just mutely accepted it and then stewed over it every day. (I am not brave)

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  18. In grief therapy I learned so much about the process and the process is individual to everyone, some take years and years, others feel ready in a few months. It is never a straight line and I still get bad days of feeling overwhelmed with sadness and other days where the memories of those loved bring me such joy.

    You are coming out of your purdah and that is wonderful. Onward into the sunlight with occasional forays into the shadow. I understand.

    XO
    WWW

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  19. Glad to meet you (so to speak) Friko. Thank you so much for stopping by my site and kindly leaving a comment. I don't get many and I consider them gold. I suspect some of the grief from the loss of your dear one has lifted somewhat from around your eyes. Your friends must see a returning sparkle. Good for you. Keep on with the little challenges. They are all victories of a sort!

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  20. It is all about balance, bravely facing challenges and pulling the blanket over one's head for comfort. Each Day is new and different and we must breathe it in and then if the air seems sour, wait for tomorrow and the breath will be sweeter. Has it really been 3 years?? I have not been that attentive.

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  21. What a fine post! I think that daring to step out of our comfort zone helps us to prepare for the times, probably inevitable, that we'll be shoved out of that safe, comfy place. Good for you!

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  22. I don’t think we have a choice. It is in us to survive and even though we don’t notice it at first, baby steps forward usually begin right away and in time we rise from deep grief. We never forget, but we move on and make our new normal.

    I am sure that the plumber knew that the toilet he put in wouldn’t work but probably never thought that you would speak up. It made me smile when I read that you did.

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  23. Most of the time, I think simply taking each day's challenges is quite enough. Sometimes, they're scary. Sometimes, they aren't. Some days, we aren't challenged at all, and life is comfortable -- when that happens, I think it's fine to simply rejoice in the lack of pressure and give thanks. I think this is marvelous: "There are days when I feel strangely elated for hours on end, burrowing into a a deep sense of well-being, as into a safe and cosy nest." Every now and then, I'll feel -- and sometimes say aloud -- "I really am happy." And I am. It never seems to be attached to any particular circumstances; it just happens. It's a real gift, and I think the memory of those times help us with the challenges.

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  24. Thanks for stopping by, Friko. I was so pleased but then surprised to know about your loss of loved husband three years ago. I was reminded how long I was out of touch with you. I’m happy for you that you could get over the worst of it though I understand you felt especially the first year. I was encouraged by your words toward the end of the post. Since you went through and overcame, your words sound so convincing. Your late husband would be happy for you to regain the sense of well-being

    Fear itself is fear. Regarding the new strain of coronavirus, I’ve tried not to overreact but just practiced the same preventive measures against flu or colds. Knowing “ready better than sorry” or “disaster comes when you’re forgetting”, however, things do happen to. I’d like to have courage and perseverance to struggle, face up, accept, then get ready for another challenge of life.

    Have healthy happy days ahead,

    Yoko

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  25. I expect that you were always indomitable! But as time passes, one does become more independent and it does all become less raw.

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  26. it is amazing when the cloud lifts: it shows on our inner and outer selves. Wishing you happiness. Glad you spoke up about your toilet. I find myself being bolder as I am older.

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  27. I'm so glad to hear you are healing. In my experience doing grief therapy, the first year is typically one of shock and despair and then the long-termness of the loss sets in through the second year, I think it's really only after that that people generally come up for air and find that somehow, they are managing. Wishing you continued peace and healing.

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