Tuesday 25 February 2020

Allegiances

It is time for all the heroes to go home
if they have any; time for all of us common ones
to locate ourselves by the real things
we live by.

William Stafford


It’s quite unbelievable, we have had the fourth flood! Five, if you count separate floods on two consecutive days. And it’s not over yet, there is more heavy rain to come by the end of the week and showers in between. Shrewsbury town centre is still under water. I was supposed to go to a funeral in the town yesterday. I’m afraid I chickened out, together with three friends who were going in the same car. We went to the local pub instead and drank a toast to the deceased. We weren’t exactly proud of ourselves but we felt safer and quite relieved once we had come to a decision. It doesn’t do for the old and infirm (one of us was in a wheelchair - one in her early nineties -  one disabled and only me reasonably mobile) to be foolhardy.

My image as a high-flying, brainy, intellectual and altogether smartypanty, (yea, sure) if foreign, pillar of our particular society is taking a thorough beating. There I was, at a party for people on the losing side of the Remain/Leave partition, every member an academic, artist, engineer and professional, all vocal and committed to our joint cause. All talking absolute sense (that is, if you are on our side of the argument), with the debate hotting up a bit as the evening progressed. This was the first party I had been invited to since I’ve been on my own, all previous invitations have been to small groups, lunches and dinner parties. Whenever I find myself in such company I instantly feel like an impostor, a fraud, somebody who shouldn’t really be there. My reaction to such discomfort? I talk, I argue, I debate, tell stories, until many eyes are on me. Afterwards, at home, I feel utterly embarrassed.

This time there was an additional embarrassment: my frequent attendance at the 'Ladies who Lunch’ was brought up by a gossipy guest and it seems that it is by no means a secret that I have truck with Leavers and right-wingers. There were nods all round when I asked if everyone in Valley’s End knew. Luckily, this was cause for good-natured hilarity and I was teased mercilessly, rather than shunned and berated. Having felt uncomfortable about the Ladies’ conversation a few times now, I will try and see less of them, although I have no wish to offend them. Yes, their opinions can drive me mad, but they are kind and welcoming every time.

Like I said, this was the very first larger party I attended on my own. I knew a few of the guests and the hostess is a fellow foreigner and we therefore can get together and vent about ‘the English and their quaint customs’ and find we have a lot in common.We’ve both been here for decades. But, I did miss Beloved, all the others were coupled and went home  two-by-two. No matter how welcoming and friendly people are, it takes quite an effort to find your personal shaped niche to settle into by yourself.

I am off to the Royal Shakespeare Theatre in Stratford with two friends tomorrow - both eminently able-bodied. That means I won’t have to look after anyone but myself if we get stuck in a flood somewhere. The play, “The Whip" is brand new, not sure that I will enjoy it. “Electrifying, compelling”, says the blurb.






31 comments:

  1. Interesting. My partner doesn't like to go out (and avoids it at every chance he gets/steals). I wonder whether it is a direct consequence that I am rarely invited out. Or am I just deluding myself and it is my character which is at fault.
    I am very glad that you are at least getting invitations and getting out. I also hope you have no more floods. Some global weather moderation would be more than welcome.

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  2. It is a blessing to be out and about with friends, it keeps us young. Ha ha, I hope. I like to have friends of differing political and religious views, though we avoid arguing our positions. As a Christian I treasure my friends of all different views. Sad to hear about the terrible flooding, and even having to miss a funeral. The pub and a toast were a good choice.

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  3. We are so divided in the US over politics and long time friendships have taken a beating. It is such a sad situation. We used to be able to disagree, now it is us and them. Life has changed, and not for the better.

    We don’t need many acquaintances, but it is good to have friends. You seem to be doing OK.

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  4. I think you made the better decision to go to the pub. Yes, disputation and performance intellectual activity seems shabby and debased from our wiser age doesn't it... I always feel embarrassed being dragged back into it.

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  5. These days, politics are awful in so many places. It's good that you are getting out and about, enjoying yourself. I'm sure no need to be embarrassed.

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  6. Hi Friko - certainly that was a wise decision ... I do hope the rivers go down and not rise any more ... though does sound ominous. I'll be back to read this properly ... off to London town tomorrow for a few rush-arounds ... more on the blog anon. Take care ... Hilary

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  7. It was a wise decision not to go to the funeral. And a fun one to go to the pub. I think that was a wise outcome.

    Parties are hard when everyone is in Noah's Ark twos. Very apt description considering the weather. But good for you for going and getting into it. No need to feel bad later, it's simply your reaction to the situation.

    It's ok to be you!

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  8. It is the old story of not being able to choose people who are in your life by their political, environmental, economic and social views. Humour, especially self deprecating, seems to be the best way to still get along.

    I hope the rain eases for you, and you enjoyed the play.

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  9. Politics! The bane of my existence for the past 3 years. I discovered the other day that a friend is a Trumper. The verbal calisthenics I went through to change the subject! And my significant other and I are polar opposites politically. Really limits conversation at home.

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  10. My awareness of the invitation dearth that faces ladies who have lost partners came about as my parents and their friends aged and couples became singles. My parents continued to include the single ladies in invitations. Although my parents had rarely traveled with the couples among their friends, they began inviting singles on some of their trips. Then my father passed away. Mother had that group of singles with similar interests plus a dear couple that continued to include her. Of course, the pain of loss never went away, but she chose to stay engaged with friends, faith and family. I admire you and my mother and all those singles who soldier on.

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  11. There are few things scarier than floods. They make us feel so helpless and they can do so much damage.

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  12. I'd rather be with kind and welcoming people than be teased mercilessly if I felt vulnerable, even if I agreed with the views of the latter. I don't think we should have to choose or be criticised for our friendships.

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  13. I think we all suffer from time to time from impostor syndrome. I am of an age where I do not care what people think of me. Floods are terrifying, as is our administration's inability to recognize that global weather events are often attributed to mankind. Enjoy your next outing.

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  14. So glad you avoided the dangerous waters and that at least you are armed with two able bodies to help out if needed for the play. Stay safe.

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  15. I am sorry to hear about the floods, we could use some rain here. It didn’t rain at all in February. You made a wise decision when you choose tithe pup.

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  16. most the people I socialize with are anti-Trump but then I have studiously avoided talk of politics in the small right wing town. their positions have slowly been revealed but at out last gathering the woman who always hosts let it be known that she was for Trump so a quick change of topic. and bad weather is excuse enough to cancel any outing for a better one. I can sympathise with the flooding.

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  17. Your decision to visit the pub rather than go to the funeral seems wise to me. I can certainly identify with the "imposter syndrome" you mentioned. I think we all feel inadequate at times. I laughed at your later embarrassment, for I do the same thing - arrive home and think that I made an absolute fool of myself.

    Having friends in both camps is good. I think much of the polarization of opinions we see in today's world is partially due to a lack of willingness to listen to another's point of view.

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  18. Sorry to hear about the flooding. You were all very wise to just make a toast in a pub and stay safe!

    I try not to talk about religion or politics because I am not one to try to change anyone's mind...just as I don't want them trying to change mine. (I will go to my grave a never-Trumper--LOL!)

    I hope you enjoy the play. :)

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  19. Do tell us (or at least me) about the play. I am hoping that if all goes well and I get to England in the fall that there will still be theatre in Stratford. I was there with mom in 73 and would love to return. I haven't even checked the fall schedule yet.

    I suspect your leave-remain situation is akin to our Trump Bad/Trump Good (no, Trump is never good, which tells you exactly where I am on that topic!). Either we're in a group where we all back each other up or a group where the conversation can get dicey (or else is totally avoided!). I feel for you.

    Good luck with the rains. I'll have to look up Shrewsbury online and see if BBC has footage. That's frightening. You were wise to raise a glass at the pub. I'm sure a note to the bereaved will be met with great understanding!

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  20. "My image as a high-flying, brainy, intellectual and altogether smartypanty, (yea, sure) if foreign, pillar of our particular society..."

    😂

    It sounds exciting to go to the Royal Shakespeare Theatre!

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  21. I think we all wear our self-imposed impostor badge from time to time but honestly, I often think my life sounds like fiction when I share bits of it as people's eyes pop open incredulously.

    I hunger and thirst for intellectual stimulation so often I resort to solitary reading to stimulate myself.

    XO
    WWW

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  22. "Never talk about religion, politics and sex ... in fact keep quiet about anything, especially to the farmer you get the milk from" … Your dad never said that to you, friend Friko? Anyway … Love, cat.

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  23. I do hate politics at social events. I also feel a need to participate and then, when home wish perhaps, that I had not. Our tribalism is in full blown swing these days. Should I wish we were ignorantly naive and all got along, or should I be glad we stand for causes in which we believe?

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  24. I believe that you are doing the right thing to the invitations, Friko. And it does not matter that you are alone, the main thing is that you feel comfortable with other people so that they are your friends.
    I hope the floods end in your town. We also had a strong wind that drove water to St. Petersburg from Baltic sea. But we have a dam and it was closed so that the city is not flooded with water.
    Happy weekend!

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  25. Dear Friko, hope you enjoyed the new play and that it was provocative! Because I've never been married or in a relationship, I've always attended parties, etc., alone. But I can appreciate what it must be like to do so when for years there has been another with you. Someone you can look to across the room and smile and you both know what you are thinking. You must so miss that. Peace.

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  26. Gossip is a drag. Visiting with the 'Ladies who Lunch' now and then does sound fine given that they group is both welcoming and the ladies are kind.

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  27. While reading your text I remembered Anna Akhmatova’s poem:
    Я научилась просто, мудро жить,
    Смотреть на небо и молиться Богу,
    И долго перед вечером бродить,
    Чтоб утомить ненужную тревогу.
    To give an idea what it’s about I found an English translation, far from perfect, yet…
    I taught myself to live simply and wisely,
    to look at the sky and pray to God,
    and to wander long before evening
    to tire my superfluous worries.

    Might be the recurring line “on my own” that made the verse alive in my memory. There’s no recipe how to bear the loss and learn to live on your own. It haunts you every minute, no matter whether you accept or reject the loss, it torments you all the time. I know…
    How was the play? Did you enjoy it?

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  28. Ich hoffe, dein Theatererlebnis war dennoch gut und unterhaltend und das Hochwasser lässt endlich von euch ab! Hier in unserer Region von so vielen Flüssen, die zusammenlaufen, sind wir recht erfahren im Umgang mit Hochwasser. Aber die Wetterveränderungen sind dennoch sehr auffällig.

    Achte auf dich. Alles Liebe
    isabella

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  29. What a nice thing, to find those Stafford lines here again. That is one of my favorite poems, and in a world where too many people consider them both uncommon and deserving of *great* regard, it's always refreshing for me to spend some time with what my grandparents called 'common folk.'

    I'll take a bit of gentle issue with your description of the wisdom you and your friends showed as "being chicken." One of the advantages of age is wisdom, and being unwilling to engage in risky behavior is wise. There are things I simply don't do any more, especially at work, and there are times when I come across a new situation which requires a quick evaluation and a lot of discretion. The most recent was connected to my desire to photograph some iris in a ditch. I had on boots, but the farther I walked into the water, the more the mud sucked at those boots. The word that came to mind was 'quicksand.' In truth, I probably only would have had my boots pulled off by the mud, but I wasn't about to risk falling and destroying my camera. The solution? Stand around and think for a minute, and then retreat. There are a lot of situations in life that call for retreat, and learning how to do it gracefully is useful.

    I hope your rains have stopped. I've been a little distracted recently, as I made the move -- at last -- to upgrade my computer, and Windows 10 is giving me fits. It's less an operating system than an advertising platform for Microsoft. So it goes. Little by little, I'm finding my way around -- and getting rid of the junk that came pre-loaded!

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  30. Glad you got out to lunches and a play. Who knows when that will be back.

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