Tuesday 5 March 2019

Lost In Space

Have you ever felt that you’ve lost your way, that life isn’t what it was, that you’d dearly like to become positive, active and energetic? That you’ve lost that magical special power, drive and energy which allows you to become effective and successful in your daily life, perhaps only in a modest way, but detectable, all the same. In other words, life is flat and purposeless. You’ve lost your mojo.

In other words, depression sets in.

Dear friends of mine invited me to share Sunday lunch. While tucking into a 'roast and three' I realised that I hadn’t had that for weeks, not just the pleasant food and drink, but more importantly, an easy, animated, flowing, intelligent conversation. Words came easily, I could hardly drag myself away and probably outstayed a normal lunch invitation. I came home alive and happy to be so.

And then the darkness descended. I came home to an empty house (Millie came with me), to silence. That in itself was fine, I had had my fill of interaction for the day, possibly for several days. I know that quite often interaction with other, less interesting people, leaves me bored, impatient, and that I often prefer my own company to company for the sake of it. Occasionally, I seek the company of people whose conversation is homespun, gossipy, unchallenging. It may be comforting at the time, not a bad thing. Like those ladies’ luncheons I mentioned recently. They get me out of the house, we commiserate with each other all being newly single and we share a giggle and relate tales of solitary adventures. Two of the ladies are relentlessly positive, admirably active and keen to hold forth. Not me, but who am I to mind. I should try and follow their example.

My problem is that I literally have no purpose. No engrossing hobbies other than the solitary one of reading. No involvement in charitable organisations, no interest in sport other than the gym, which is another solitary activity. I am not artistic, I don’t do crafty things, I like writing but have more or less given up on that sine Beloved died. Lectures happen far away, and the local talks take place mainly during cold and wet winter nights. I find it really hard to motivate myself to get off my behind and leave my warm and comfortable nest to shiver in a village hall, no matter how interesting the talk.

I am not about to fling myself into Scientology or any other religious sect, won’t be taking up the Kaballah, do flower arranging, write bad poetry, see myself as a benefactress, take up long distance running, discover the only true health giving diet. None of the above and a whole host of other obsessions. But surely I ought to do something?  Learn another language? Properly learn to take pictures? Travel is not possible while Millie is alive, although that appears an attractive thought now. I expect I won’t be able to drag myself away come the opportunity.

That’s me all over, negative, always finding reasons for NOT doing something. True, I’ve done things to the house, soon the garden will need attention, I’ve taken up the gym again, reluctantly and much against my inclination and I’ve booked a ticket to go on a coach trip to Malvern to see a play, which only mildly interests me. And I’ve come back to blogging. It’s been a pleasure to see your comments and I am trying my damnedest to stick with it. Thank you for your patience.

If only I could stop being a contrary, dissatisfied crosspatch. Any advice ?





29 comments:

  1. Volunteer. You do not even have to enjoy it, but it's very much needed wherever you live . I now read books to and elderly lady who's gone blind. It isn't thrilling or very entertaining for me, but it does make sense. And why not?

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  2. The first paragraph fits me to a 't' at present. Since the foot injury in September, I have felt rather like a lump.

    If you were to take up a new language, which one would you choose? My dear, old friend Mrs. Rempfer began with Italian in her 50s. She met interesting people & took wonderful holidays to Calabria as a result.

    Liebe Grüsse
    Bea

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  3. Speaking as one contrary, dissatified crosspatch to another, I wish I knew!
    Even politics seems to be loosing its allure these days....
    Because I cannot guarantee to be free I can't take up any regular committment without risking letting people down.
    Luckily the dogs and the sheep keep me relatively sane, and how I value the occasional evil legal chat with my lawyers!
    But what can I suggest to you? Gin?

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  4. You just asked for advice on the Internet...You are a brave soul! ;-)

    I giggled at the part about Scientology and Kabbalah. Jesus gives meaning to my life, but that may sound to you like Scientology sounds to me. But one thing did jump out at me: languages. There are a ton of people on Youtube teaching languages. My boys and I are studying Russian. If you do that you can talk to me, as long as you only ise the words we know. ;-) This fruit is nice. That fruit is bad. But it is really something to click on a video and learn slowly. It makes me feel like I am traveling the world.

    Also, blogging is good...it is! Your personality, likes and dislikes, is what it is supposed to me. We are not all alike. We are not all social butterflies who love sports.

    Well, that's all I can think of.

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    1. Friko, you left a comment on my post about prayer (a couple of weeks ago) and I sent you an email to the email address on your blog bio. Just wondering if you got it. How are you doing?

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  5. This is the way many of us of a certain age are feeling lately. You are not alone Friko. I am fortunate that I have my Retired Man who I can count on to get me out and moving during the dark months of winter, but his health is always a concern. I took a volunteer job for two days a week after I retired so that I would have purpose. The bonus was that I interact with people who I would probably never meet otherwise. They have taught me so much. Now that job may be going away and I am so worried about what is next. Doing nothing is not a choice and neither is giving up. There are many opportunities available where seniors can contribute to society. When we give our time to others, we get so much in return. There is need for volunteers everywhere, you just have to inquire. Having a job, even if it is unpaid, can change your whole outlook.

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  6. Well, I'm thrilled you have come back to blogging! Winter is a bear. I suspect, come spring -- real spring -- you will get your garden groove going and perhaps since it will be light later, going to talks or evening gatherings won't be the same as in the deep of winter. The gym is good. Those are all good things. Do you know other readers who might like to start a book club? Might you like volunteering at your library or if there isn't one near you, set up your own with a few people? On your sidebar you say you enjoy cooking and feeding others. Maybe organizing a small dinner group? Once a month, potluck? Our Cork Poppers have the host do the main dish but everyone brings wine and something for the table. Start a wine group if you know other winos.

    All good ideas. The hard part is starting -- making the call to volunteer or doing the inviting or setting up the meeting. I love your photography idea and plan that trip. Googling travel stuff is loads of fun! I'm just glad to hear you are searching because tat's the first step!

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  7. I adore that phrase: "contrary, dissatisfied crosspatch." Of course, the contrary aspects of your personality very much appeal to me, so I wouldn't want you to lose that. Perhaps a transformation to a contrary, satisfied crosspatch would do.

    I've been reading a good bit about the movement in England to add native plants to cemeteries, and to preserve the grasses and flowers in the hay meadows that are around such areas. This video shows some of it. Given your interest in gardening, what about seeking out the native plant people in your area? There surely are some. The group I'm associated with here does everything from helping with school gardens to collecting seed. There are regular times when they gather to clean seed -- a nice chance for tea and conversation while doing an important job that doesn't require physical strength or long stretches outdoors.

    Photography is something else that's both easy and creative -- and it certainly can be absorbing. It's also something that suits us solitary sorts. I don't belong to any photography clubs, and I don't usually want anyone else along when I'm taking photos. I just enjoy poking around, and seeing the world around me in a new way.

    I have a sense that your boredom threshold is as low as mine, and that can make some activities that appeal to my friends not very appealing to me, especially since I'm not interested in being busy for the sake of being busy. I'd say key off things that give you pleasure. That sense of pleasure will be its own reward, and I suspect will help move you along toward deeper engagement with activities you enjoy.

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  8. Freedom is of utmost importance. If you've got cats and dogs then you're not free unless you've got a neighbour to help with supervision when you're away from home or money to pay to a good pension for dogs/cats/whatever.

    Health - of utmost importance. The most beneficial activity during retirement to help with health is...SLEEP (7-8 hours). It helps with weightloss and is a great metabolic booster.

    Don't look for work (yes, volunteering is work too, with stress, boss, schedule...) You've given enough to society, and now you have to give to yourself. It's the last stage of life, the last chance; don't waste it! Instead ,learn something useful with the help of youtube videos and Google, so that you don't have to rely on others.

    Don't ask for advice. Things are individual. what suits you doesn't suit me or someone else. You'll only get confused and take the wrong decisions.Find out for yourself about the best way to survive retirement. Good Luck1

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    1. Don't ask for advice? So what's your comment all about?

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  9. If doing what you do now suits you, then don't change it. If you do not feel content with it, then change something. Volunteering is, like your first commenter said, something you could do. I admire my parents for all they do, which was not possible for them while they still worked, and is not possible for me (at least not to that extent) until I'll retire.
    Depression is a serious illness, though, and needs professional attention. Something that I've read time and time again in articles about depression is that daylight and exercise (read: walks) can be very helpful, as the daylight triggers hormones that can help re-balancing what went off balance in the brain.

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  10. You sound awfully like me who in premature retirement is not being very good at retirement. The days just drift past and I cant' even say I have read a book.

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  11. After moving to a new part of the country after I retired from my job, I took my time finding what volunteer work I might want to take up. I have, for the past four years, become a facilitator to help people write their Advance Directives and became a notary public so I can notarize the documents. It is work, but I only do it one day a week for three hours. I enjoy it, but it's become a job, too. I do meet a lot of nice people. I'm glad you're blogging again.

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  12. Whether you’re married or a widow, as we age, we are all killing time in a way. We’re done with career, child rearing and often having a partner. I’m a widow also..6 years, no children.

    I think about this subject a lot. I have come to realization that I have a few favorite things to do and some I’d like to do, but can’t for one reason or another, which sometimes is simple motivation.

    My favorite thing is going out to eat at nice places and having a glass of wine and good conversation. Luckily I have a couple of friends who enjoy the same.
    Next would be stimulating intelligent conversation which would include lectures, perhaps a college course for seniors, but lectures are not close and no college nearby offers that.
    I like to garden (plants not food source) which is almost a therapy for me.
    I follow many blogs of all types and I particularly like the ones that either make me think, current affairs and yes some political, environmental or science. This takes up a fair part of my day.

    I do volunteer once a week at my local hospital, which I enjoy to a fair degree.
    I piddle with a little craft ..made some jewelry and now trying a little acrylic painting...all just for fun.

    My husband and I travelled a good bit, but now even though there are places I’d love to see, it’s just not the same without him so I’ve lost interest.
    I love nature and the outdoors, but I moved to get away from the cold, but it is not as pretty as where I was before and is often too hot to be outside.

    My SIL lives with me and that is a big help towards loneliness, even though we have separate lives and friends. It’s just the right amount, but no guarantee it will be permanent. So the fear of ending up truly alone is always there in the back of my mind.
    I just try to find contentment in simple things and plug along best as I can. I do have times of depression, but they do lift. Don’t overthink it all because that’ll drive you crazy. Well I’ve rambled enough.

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  13. Hi Friko - I am really in the same boat as you ... I used to play so much sport and thank goodness late in life I realised I probably was quite academic. I do find I don't want to spend too much time on line ... but without a garden, I tend to - blogging and keeping in touch. However living in a reasonable sized town there are any number of societies and I belong to a few, which keeps me occupied and they are mostly within easy reach.

    FutureLearn.com is perhaps something you could look at ... free on-line courses ... and if there's a suitable place to volunteer at ... or if there's no book club - start a private one perhaps ... cheers and good luck with finding your way ... cheers Hilary

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  14. Is there an Historical Society nearby where you could volunteer? I popped into mine to do some family research and ended up being invited to write research pieces for them concerning the buildings they'd acquired. Like you I walk when often when weather permits, I do jigsaw puzzles at the local library when it pours, and when I'm desperate for something to do I clean a neglected corner of the cottage, paw through recipes or photo boxes, or read. Often I read to the neglect of everything else! I am so glad you are blogging again. You write so wonderfully well.

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  15. I'm naturally anti-social or rather a little bit of socializing goes a long way for me but I don't seem to have trouble filling my time even when I'm doing nothing. but I still have a partner. so perhaps it's just the end of winter doldrums. tired of winter activities or hibernating but the world isn't conducive to being active yet.

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  16. I think winter, as some have said and you have noted in the past, is a definitely a culprit. I find more and more I stay indoors, frittering away time, rather than going out—even when in NYC, where there are so many nice things to do and see, whether solitary or in company, whether something simple like taking a walk in the park, window shopping, or browsing in a bookstore, or something more “focused” like seeing a bit of art or going to a movie or concert. Right now, for example, I’m cowering indoors after an initial foray to get my morning coffee and bagel and encounter with a sinus-biting wind. I do think it takes more of a push to get moving when it’s cold and dreary, and occupying oneself with household chores or sitting and reading or even making something, whether it be craft, cooking, writing, only take one so far.

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  17. I see plenty of advice in the previous comments, and I won't add to that, other than to say that it takes time to find your way. If drifting suits you at the moment, then drift. If you feel like doing something, do it. Grief and loss affect us all in different ways. You are you. We like that.

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  18. It does sound like it's time to find some activities that bring you connection and/or joy. I suspect in retirement (assuming I'm around for it), I will find volunteer work to do to keep me feeling useful.

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  19. Do whatever makes you feel good and brings you joy. :)

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  20. Being with children always brings me joy, retired teacher here. I think volunteering to help students with reading skills, or to simply read aloud to students. children have such interesting perspectives.

    Try it!

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  21. Just carry on being you Friko, interesting, reflective, very charming and beautifully cranky from time to time. We truly can't emulate others' energies and personalities. I socialize to reintroduce my street clothes to myself and test the waters of verbalizing intellect and interest with others. I limit it though as I'm easily irritated by stupid or small talk which I've never mastered and do not wish to practise.

    So carry on in all your glory.

    XO
    WWW

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  22. Take a vacation? Maybe with an outfit like Road Scholar ... preferably to someplace warm.

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  23. Find some way to get out a bit more that makes you happy, even if only to walk a neighbor's dog.

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  24. This is my recent fear, that I will lose my husband and be so alone. I have felt lonely with people so alone is okay in spurts, because like you, people often annoy me.
    Have you considered writing your memories? Touch on every emotion, but start with the happiest. I do hope the weather improves along with your depression. Glad you're back.

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  25. I live in the suburbs, my kids are grown. My husband says that if something happened to him, "I would flutter away like a butterfly" and more than likely that is true unless I'm just too plain old or I die first.
    I would live somewhere pretty, by an ocean, where I could walk everywhere and be around people. I would sell my car and take a bus or a train to anywhere else I may choose to go. Otherwise if I stay alone in the suburbs I will end up being a crazy cat lady..... I already have 3.

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  26. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. There are good days and there are bad days , I treasure the good ones. When things get bad I say to myself “Gerlinde, get over it”.

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  27. So much want hibernation right now, friend Friko … Much love, cat. https://youtu.be/U8LuwWJTNog … smiles. c.

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