Sunday 18 September 2016

Signs of Autumn

How very kind you are; thank you for saying nice things about this blog.Your comments gladden the heart and give me all the encouragement I need to continue.


It is as if we’ve been sending out ‘come hither before darkness falls’ vibes; friends and family have turned up on the doorstep, announced and unannounced, but all welcomed with open arms. It’s not as if we were on a beaten track, living where we do, miles from any fast road, with no airports or big cities within easy reach; it therefore behoves us to appreciate these visits even more. 

First came PhilipJohn, and Marilyn, the latter with their unruly dog, who raced about the house, under tables, on beds and sofas, on the lookout for food to steal. Millie was quite put out. Beloved had a lovely time with them, rehashing ancient histories about concerts, conductors and colleagues. We hadn’t seen Philip for a few years, he spends much time abroad, getting himself known as a composer. (I looked him up online, his works are performed by more orchestras in the US than in the UK).

Another musician, Judy, and her architect husband Peter (hurrah, someone for me to talk to - not a musician) came next. The doorbell went and there she stood. “I hope we find a welcome? Please?” That’s Australians for you. She said so herself. "On the way from somewhere to somewhere". We hadn’t seen Judy for years and Beloved was thrilled to chew the fat with her. Musicians are a gossipy lot. 

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Family came too. More signs of autumn, the personal kind. They visited after giving due notice, as our family does. Nick and his wife Ali, who live in Massachusetts, decided that if they had to come to see Beloved before his personal winter sets in, they might as well make a proper trip of it, travelling to Holland, France and Italy, both to see family and the sights. They were with us for just an afternoon and evening; the visit went off well, during those few hours we found plenty to discuss. Some of it catching up, some of it current affairs and politics. Our conversations usually have some depth, even if we don’t always all agree with each other.

Sally, one of Beloved’s daughters, stayed slightly longer; Beloved and she looked at old family photos and told stories of past generations. Sally is an archaeologist and history, both personal and the academic kind, are her great interest. She has written a number of books about the area of Southern England where she lives.

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I wonder if any of you have similar experiences to mine. Beloved and I have been married for thirty years and in all that time his children and I - apart from one daughter - were never on really cordial terms. We never fell out and the relationships have got better over the years, but real warmth was always lacking. Until now. I am not looking to blame anyone, there are always two sides to every story, but a more relaxed attitude would have made our lives more pleasant. Always having to be careful, always afraid of slights, always preparing oneself for a visit by donning some kind of armour, make for uneasy situations. 

As I said, meetings during the past few years have been less of an ordeal (oh dear, that does make it sound difficult!) and these visits in recent weeks have been a genuine pleasure. In fact, I liked both of them so much that I gave them keepsakes: Beloved’s Breitling watch for Nick and two pairs of earrings of mine for Sally. (Does that count as the sort of kindness I mentioned in my previous post?) We parted on the very best of terms, with close hugs; Sally almost shed a tear while she whispered “thank you” in my ear, and Ali, Beloved’s daughter in law, who has been the most difficult of them all, made a special effort to praise me for taking such good care of her father in law. She thanked Beloved for being the kind of man he is and for having raised his son to become a wonderful partner for her and a devoted father to their children.

I was touched. Why do people soften so when it’s almost too late? I know that we may not see them again, this was a kind of leave-taking. Father, son and daughter were all very aware of this fact, but nobody put it into words. The feeling was there and there were both sadness and gratitude in the air, unspoken.



36 comments:

  1. Ahhh.
    I am so very glad that this leave taking was warm, and gratitude filled. Too often they aren't. Or are delayed too long.

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  2. Your simple-profound observations rhyme with my own thoughts once again, most appreciated and instructive. Thank You

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  3. So happy to hear that life has taken a happier note. It was time. And what better way for it to happen than through family and friends.

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  4. Friko, I know that this comment repeats what I have written a time or two before. Yet again I will type. I so wish that we lived closer together. There is much in what you have written here that went straight to my heart. xo

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  5. How sad to know this may have been an farewell tour, but you're all still ahead of many families. It sounds like important things were said and some relationships were, if not mended, at least improved.

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  6. The circumstances for my mother and I were somewhat different, but I still recognize the dynamics you describe. And you're right that the gentling often comes later, but "better late than never" certainly applies here, too.

    I'll be making a visit to my last living aunt next month. She's 90 now, my mother's baby sister, and for some years was quite a support for me while I was caring for Mom. She's healthy, gets around fine, and has her faculties, as they say. Still, she's 90. I could drop dead tomorrow, but it's more likely she'll be the first to go, and now is the time to go.

    Honestly? I'd rather have time for gentle good-byes to friends (and family, too, if I have any left by the time my time is up!) than to pass out in the garden. Or so I think. My friends and I realized we were getting up in years when we started having these ridiculous "what's the best way to go" conversations.

    It's so good to see posts from you. They make me happy.

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  7. How beautiful and sad this post is. It is good to read that your beloved's family finally came to visit and to cheer him. Thanking you for the comfort you have given their dad was a kindness that should have come sooner, but I hope, even at this late date, gave you peace..

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  8. Every previous comment could have been written by me. Such a sweet and pensive post, filled with just about every emotion. Thank you, dear Friko. :-)

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  9. Lovely. I think it is often realized that everything, including our lives, are fleeting. Life itself goes on, but we as individuals come and go. I am glad there is peace among your family.

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  10. What milestone visits and possibly the farewell visits. Good the visits were friendly and tender.

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  11. A little sad at the terrible waste of time over years but you sound like you feel comfortable with them now. Unannounced guests are never welcome here.

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  12. I'm so glad that you're experiencing caring and new warmth from the children and precious time with them and with old friends. There's no substitute for either. It's a strange time of life, isn't it? So much loss, both immediate and anticipatory. And yet, so much to celebrate as reconciliations happen in so many ways. Hope you and Beloved continue to be blessed in this autumnal way!

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  13. Hi Friko - that's wonderful to read ... and so good that they all felt they wanted to visit you ... making plans or dropping in - done gently and with kindness always helps. It will lighten the load with sparodic on-going phone calls/ visits even perhaps - we so often later in life realise what life in our latter years will be like. Those contacts all help ... I learnt a lot in my recent years.

    So glad and happy for you both ... sounds like it's done the power of good to Beloved - and that with on-going contact somehow he'll remember ... take care and with thoughts from the southern regions - cheers Hilary

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  14. You're right Friko it was a kind of leave-taking and I think it was the better thing Beloved's children could do. So they did and sure their father was thankful to them.

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  15. It's such a relief when planned visits go well and a joy when unexpected visitors call. It is a shame, though, that many of us leave such visits until it's almost too late.

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  16. It is such a good thing that these visits were so positive and from what you describe with a great deal of warmth. In my family there are also awkward dynamics and egos. We are having a big Christmas this year and a lot of those dynamics are going to come together so lots of trepidation... C'est la vie!

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  17. Oh, I'm so glad the visits with the kids were good ones. I suspect they are growing up -- they've seen more of the world and people and their own lives and realize the importance of good relationships and what you can and can't change and accepting -- even welcoming -- what was once difficult. At least they are recognizing this now, before it is too late. That's a great gift.

    I'm glad you've had some jolly company and that the visits have been good ones. Nothing like a break in the action to add some life to the old cottage! But poor Millie, I'll be she was glad to see the other dog go!

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  18. Very common among many families where tragedy brings closeness. Enjoy it, accept it, do not dwell on regrets but look forward one day at a time.

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  19. Glad all went well....rather a relief given the history!

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  20. Better late than never--don't "they" say. Well, it is true. I've known many people who did not resolve their family differences for many decades...some not until the parent or parents were very ill and they had to care for them. Life is never quite black and white. The only thing we can count on is change...and death. Love is sometimes the dessert.

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  21. Fine that his children could see him while he was still himself .
    Everyone has to decide for themselves what they can handle and a couple of ours have already stopped visiting Husband . They send photos and the grandchildren's drawings and on good days he remembers who they are ...
    Sometimes it's good to know when to stop.

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  22. You know, I had the experience of watching my beloved grandfather fade with terminal cancer, and while it was difficult being with him when things got bad and he spent an entire weekend calling me George when all of my life I've been Elizabeth and more like a fourth child than a grandchild, the time spent, both sad and sweet, remains as precious memory. I'm glad they came and I hope that will be precious to them and to you as well.

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  23. I'm glad the visits went well and old animosities put aside. maybe it just takes us a long time to realize how minor those animosities are. maybe we have to be threatened with loss to be able to realize it.

    my father-in-law disowned his son and by extension us, his wife and kids. he was dying and past communication when he indicated to his youngest son he wanted to write my husband, something he was already incapable of doing. my husband went to see him a couple of times after that, took one of the great granddaughters with him who he had never met. there was no communication, we have no idea what he wanted to say though expecting any kind of apology or expression of regret would have been foolish on our parts. he died about a week after my husbands last visit.

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  24. I love the honesty of this post. And the acceptance. And the concept of change. We have to, to gain insight and peace and a sorting of the priorities of life.

    Thank you, can relate to all you say.

    XO
    WWW

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  25. The realization of time passing can soften hearts, but why, oh why, does it take that? Still, I am so glad for you and for your Beloved.

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  26. Not much we can do when long lost children of former spouses turn up on our doorstep. Fortunately, my kids accepted David and loved him. The same was not true with David's kids and me. Well, okay he does have hyper children so maybe that's not so bad? Grandsons are showing up these days.

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  27. A very touching post. Good to know the visits were enjoyable to all involved - except maybe for Millie who (understandably) wasn't too happy about the unruly guest dog. I wouldn't have been, either!

    I was married twice (divorced once, widowed once) but there were never any children involved, which was our decision as a couple both times (and never regretted by me). With my first in-laws, I have no contact whatsoever. With Steve's family, there is a strong bond that has become even stronger after his death.

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  28. They must think it was their last visit. It seems some people flock in like hungry birds when someone is getting near death. They should have brought you gifts for taking such good care of their father...:)

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  29. Some things come at the rifht time, you know, when you are mature enough and ready to accept them. It might have been the case, don't you think?
    Take care, dear Friko! Enjoy today and block out negative thoughts.
    With best wishes,
    Irina

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  30. Glad all could enjoy one another for the most part. I always recall my mother saying after she wed a man whose wife had died years earlier they wanted to invite his several children and families for a family dinner. He was on the outs with his oldest Dtr cause she had run off years earlier to wed a man to whom she was still married so many years later. Mom said she told new husband she would have dinner but must invite all his children. So they did and the oldest Dtr and her family were more attentive, giving her Dad more pleasure than he others the many years he lived after. My mom was most loved by them, too.

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  31. I am so glad you had some good visits with friends and family. The children hopefully realize that you are taking care of their father. We loose our edges as we age, at least some of us do. I just lost my oldest girlfriend to a horrible car accident and I am so glad I visited her in Germany this May.

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  32. Honesty in this post
    and understand so well.
    Just wish children did this earlier
    but guess they were not ready.
    This is beginning to happen in my special family
    just not questioning, just accepting..

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  33. Touching post and so frank and sincere. Thanks.

    Greetings from London.

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  34. Sounds like you have had some wonderful visits.
    I'm glad that things which needed to be said and felt have now been said and felt.
    Better late than never, eh?

    Loved your post, which warmed my heart.

    =)

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  35. I love seeing the early autumn profusion along your wall, and it makes a lovely complement to all the warm visits you describe in your post. It's an odd, but so recognizable, thing, how we waft in and out of one another's lives--friends and family both. Those moments of connection are to be savored, as you have done so beautifully here.

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  36. I'm wondering if I'd have the nerve to be Australian and just turn up on your doorstep - probably not. But I'm pleased to know you've had such good visits lately, most especially the family ones. A family counsellor once told me that the older the children are when a new partner enters a parent's life, the longer it takes for acceptance. Seems quite illogical, but most stories I've heard on this topic reflect her view.

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