Sunday 12 June 2016

Calmer Waters

And so it goes, there’s little change; days flow into each other, one after the other.

This is how I started the last entry in a private diary about our slow slide into oblivion. I don’t feel that I can - or want to - share every moment with all of you, some things need to remain private. Pain, distress, the inexorable progress of disease, mental and physical, are not suitable subjects for the mundane and often frivolous confessions we spill into social media.

I have since realised that the first statement is not altogether true any more. There’s little change in the situation, yet there is some small change in me.  I may have said, here or in my private diary: “I am permanently stressed and permanently depressed.” If I haven’t said it, or written it, then I have thought it. But that’s not true now, either.

There comes a time when one accepts even the most hopeless situation. Life goes on. An innate sense of survival takes over. I think that is what’s happening to me.

The weather has been fine, I have spent a lot of my free time gardening and when it’s been too hot to go out I’ve read indoors. Beloved has been happy to potter about outside, leaning on his stick, snipping at this and pulling on that and when he’s been tired he’s just sat in the sun.

I’ve stopped watching him all the time. In an emergency he’d soon know how to get my attention. Besides, he has a panic button. I’ve gone out for up to three hours at a time and he’s been fine. He’s not likely to attempt anything that requires physical strength or mental athletics.

Even Millie is settling into the new routine. I take her out for a short walk in the morning and not again until late in the afternoon. She has a daily paddle in the river and several doors are open for her to come and go as she pleases. She is not meant to leave the garden - we are hedged or walled in and gated, but the other day, during a violent thunderstorm, she panicked and got out, I don’t know how or where, but she made her way into the village and ended up at the pub after having raced along the high street. I expect the pub door was open and she made for its darkish, cool and cavelike interior which might seem to be a safe haven to a frantic dog. I happened to be out in Ludlow at the time. Beloved never even noticed that she was gone until a young man brought her back after the storm. Two messages told us not to worry, she was safe; we didn’t listen to either of them until afterwards.

Perhaps Millie has the right idea, a village pub is indeed a safe haven in a storm and we should all three seek its comfort more often.









30 comments:

  1. Good to hear you are keeping on! I was glad to see your post in my reader. I know how you feel, depressed and oppressed...normal I think when one struggles with a spouse with serious health issues. Keep Smiling...I agree with Millie a pub is a great place to escape! :)

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  2. A huge sigh of relief from me to learn that you are coming to grips with the way things are. We have been watching so much British TV that the thought crossed my mind--- is "coming to grips" an American phrase?
    Working in the garden is always balm for the soul.
    You are much appreciated for your seriousness and your ability to express your thoughts so accurately. You make my world better. Thank you.

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  3. I like the notion of a pub, with its socializing and support (or so I hope there is). And the proper spirits too.

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  4. Millie found her safe refuge in the dark and friendly pub. Puttering in the garden or reading can take our thoughts away from our worries for a time, so I am glad you are taking garden and reading time. I have a little list of upbeat books if you would like to know their titles.

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  5. Hi Friko - that was wonderful to read ... a plainly spoken, full of heartfelt love for all around you and the peaceful realisation that life will gently wander on - so glad to see you can garden, Millie gets her walks ... and knows her safe haven in the pub. Take care and with lots of thoughts from down here ... Hilary

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  6. I am so glad to read this post and to hear that you are finding acceptance and solace in the garden and books. And Millie's idea of pub sojourns is a good one.

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  7. Sending lots of love to you, Beloved, and Millie, too, who gives new meaning to "any port in a storm." Well, not just any port, but I'm suspecting the pub where we had dinner together one night. Fond memories.

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  8. I have been in very difficult situations when caring for dear ones when I have had to learn to disengage, to an extent. I've had to learn to take things to heart less so that I can cope more.

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  9. As humans do, we adjust to situations. I am pleased to hear you are making a semblance of doing so. In one way or the other, if we have a loved partner, we will all go this to a greater or lesser degree, on either side of the fence.

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  10. Acceptance and adapting. That is the only real choices we are left to take. And in between those moods we can rail, rant, cry and study the far horizon. While I have not gone through this, either I or my hubby may have to follow the same well-worn path. Is is better not to know and just run smack into the wall one day? Yes, we are designed for survival as your dog who found the pub. There are few doors open in my small town to protect a little furry domestic friend.

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  11. Thank you for sharing your sobering yet comfortingly wise words, dear Friko. My heart is with you. Warmly, c-

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  12. When there is no alternative to just carrying on then that is what you do..

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  13. Dear Friko, I am very glad to see this post.

    What you've written here about slight changes that occur with passing time strikes home with me just now, too.

    Spending time in your garden and being able to have some "excursions" do add additional experiences to your days. Open up the script a bit, if you get my drift.

    Certainly, having the additional daylight and warmer weather can also be a plus.

    I send lots of love to you and yours. xo

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  14. it's a sad situation, one that I am not facing yet though I know I will, as will we all. I'm glad to hear that you have gained some acceptance and are carrying on. better to live our last years the best we can rather than sitting around moping because they are the last years.

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  15. Acceptance of crappy circumstances takes a while. Just because you kind of learn to live with it doesn't mean that you don't have awful days once in a while. I was so thrilled to hear that you are getting out and about here and there. Like you said--he has a panic button. Stuff happens even when you are right there, anyways, right? You cannot control everything even if you try with all your might. How sweet that people know your Millie and bring her home. They'd do the same if Beloved wandered off, too. ;) Love and hugs

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  16. Your sharing means much to me
    and I understand
    it seems This one is the one that has begun to accept for herself.
    So warm here - 95 degrees, too hot for me to be in garden.
    Take care of your loved one and you...

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  17. A moving post that helps me prepare for more inevitable changes in the lives of Hubby and me. Your coping changes i hope will bring the calm waters that allow you to recognize and savor some precious moments. Those do come, although they are sometimes seen through tears.

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  18. “Pain, distress, the inexorable progress of disease, mental and physical, are not suitable subjects for the mundane and often frivolous confessions we spill into social media.”

    When it’s your blog, what’s acceptable is your choice, is it not? I’m not saying that a great many people won’t reject you, but if you’re willing to live with that, I see no reason why you should feel bound by what you perceive as the common practice of writing superficial posts. I don’t know if people enjoy writing shallow posts, or if most people are so lacking in depth that they have but little choice. I do know that a lot of people are fearful. I’m often congratulated for being “brave” enough to write as I do, but it would only be brave if I feared disapproval, which I don’t, having become so practiced in being rejected that it’s just not that intimidating. In fact, I expect it, and know that it has no power to change my behavior because I’m not about to allow myself to be ruled by others. I spend a lot of time on my posts, and I wouldn’t dream of investing that time on things I’m not emotionally—and often intellectually—invested in.

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  19. Keep on keeping on, and enjoy the weather, your garden and your dog.

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  20. I'm happy to read your words. You seem calmer and I'm glad you are able to have some time to yourself How reassuring for you to know that the village is looking out for Millie, and by extension, you and your Beloved.

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  21. I think this is the key: "There’s little change in the situation, yet there is some small change in me." It sounds as though you're getting outside more now that the weather permits and even having some time away. I'm glad for that. Millie seems to know just where to find solace. Smart girl!

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  22. I understand your emotions very well. I have found that acceptance of that which I have no control over stops my depression and takes me to coping and survival. Ebb and flow, ebb and flow.

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  23. Millie found safety when she was distressed. You seem to be approaching the same situation. I'm very sorry for your difficulties.

    Love,
    Janie

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  24. I remember telling myself, kids, Rick, the children I worked with at a grief center and employees I supervised when working, "We can't always change or control what happens around us; but we can try to change how we deal with it." And boy, it's not easy. But I see that shift within you and it makes my heart leap for joy, because I know the challenges you face aren't easy ones, filled with emotion and exhaustion. So, I'm so very grateful that you are able to find time for yourself, your garden, your book -- and, of course, your Millie and Beloved.

    Sweet Millie -- she must have been frightened but she found a safe haven. There is much in that gesture we should all keep in mind. It may or may not be a cozy pub but so long as it is somewhere...

    Thank you for two lovely posts back-to-back. It's so good to "see" you again!

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  25. I'm glad to hear you are making adjustments and finding more peace in present circumstances. I am learning to do the same. Getting older is quite the challenge at times. But yes, there's something to be said for surviving!

    =)

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  26. i know what you mean about what it is sensible to share with cyber-friends and what is better kept to oneself. Either way I am pleased to hear you are coming to a new place of acceptance and accommodation with yourself and your Other Half. Do take care and enjoy as much as you can. Every Blessing

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  27. What an absolute delight -- to scroll through all the emails I missed while I was gone, and find two posts from you. It's pure pleasure, lady.

    This tickled me, especially: "Beloved never even noticed that [Millie] was gone until a young man brought her back after the storm. Two messages told us not to worry, she was safe; we didn’t listen to either of them until afterwards."

    The fact is, there can be great refreshment in not paying attention. Life is filled with tragedies, but it's also true that just as often the dog shows up at the pub, the kind person brings her home, the storm passes on, and all is well before we even conceive that it might not be so. Sometimes, it's enough to tend to our own gardens, and not worry about weeding someone else's. How's that for wisdom?

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  28. I'm so glad to hear that things are settling a little.

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  29. Oh, that's good. A hard, hard situation but I'm glad to hear that there is some peace for you. And yes, a drink at the pub sounds perfect.

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  30. The feelings flutter about and change with some days going well and others less so -- unpredictable. You seem to be able to flow with the moment to find a calmness, to focus on whatever may give you pleasure -- the best that can be done.

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