Sunday 14 February 2016

New Year New You -- What Happened?


Do the Chinese go in for New Year’s Resolutions?

Mid-February already, so what’s happened to your New Year’s Resolutions?  Kicked into the tall grass and lost or thrown under a speeding bus and squashed flat? That ambitious contract many of us enter into with ourselves, being absolutely determined to lose weight, get fit, take up the ukulele, travel the world on a tricycle, blog regularly....etc. etc.

What, you are sticking to it? I don’t believe you. For the sake of the vast majority who made rash promises while in the company of others, equally inebriated, I sincerely hope you have forgiving or short-memoried friends; if these friends aided and abetted you in your folly or made similar promises, you are home and dry. Resolutions? What resolutions? Never speak of them again, at least until next New Year’s Eve comes around and the embarrassment at a year-long failure to pull your socks up and finally master Mandarin Chinese brings a hot blush to your face.

New year, new you, entirely new life, was the slogan of an online advertisement sent to me (and a million others) by a  department store with a seemingly benevolent face in early January. I was told that completely remodelling my home, buying the latest colours, hard and soft furnishings, would leave me revitalised, as new a woman as my new home; a woman enabled to stride forth into this shiny, brand-spanking new year with renewed vigour and determination, master of my fate and able to control and overcome all obstacles in my way. I may be exaggerating a bit here, but not by much.

What is it with this new year rubbish? Why do we tell ourselves that a change in the calendar year will make all the difference?

You may recall that 2015 was an annus horribilis for me - as the Queen would say - a year of disaster and misfortune. Towards the end of it things improved a bit but there was never any hope that all would be sweetness and light once the numbers changed. I am no more in control than I was in 2015. I don’t make New Year’s resolutions now. In another life and at another time, there were long years when I promised myself that “next year I will be brave, take courage and make changes” but I never did until my hand was forced by outside circumstances and change imposed itself on me rather than the other way round.

No resolutions for me last New Year’s Eve except the one: I would develop the ability to take what was coming, to accept and, hopefully, be without overwhelming resentment. Well, dear ones, I can’t even do that. In many ways life is easier than last year but my attitude hasn’t changed all that much.

When I ask people paddling similar leaky canoes like mine how they cope they tell me “just get on with it, there’s nothing else you can do” I see the resigned look in their eyes. They’re right, of course.

Resignation and resentment, two singularly unpleasant and unattractive attitudes. Where’s that speeding bus? If any state of mind ever deserved being squashed flat, these two do.



31 comments:

  1. Life should get easier, not harder, as it winds down. Unfortunately, that's often not the case.
    I agree - If only we can find a middle ground between resignation and cock-eyed optimism.

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  2. It really WAS a horrible year, and this one hasn't started out looking much more promising. I have no words of wisdom. I'm neither resigned nor resentful....and nor am I a cock-eyed optimist. I had a talk with myself (well, many, as a matter of fact) and decided that I'd accepted all the good times as given and moved forward day after day. I needed to do just that with the difficult times. One day at a time. Some are better than others and some have spots of joy. Forward, trying to stay in the present and away from 'what if'. It's the only way I sleep at night......and wonder of wonders, that sleep is the rather odd gift in all of this. Good luck with figuring out what will work for you. I know that you will - or may have already.

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  3. One day at a time is sometimes too much. Sometimes the moment is all I can cope with. More or less.
    I do hope you find a way forward and hope even more than you can destroy resignation and its cousin resentment.

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  4. Minute by minute
    I go forward.
    Slowly healing and so cold by my woods.
    Need to gain some weight, eat more, rest, exercise and find a way to cope
    with pain that is not going to go away
    But I move onward with determination.

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  5. Friko, sometimes your world sounds so bleak... and there's no doubt that you've had a terrible year. But resolutions, resignation, and resentment (as you well know and have stated) are not the answer. Finding what works for you is. What brings you joy? Even just a little? It may take time, but sometimes time does heal. Keeping you in my prayers.

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  6. I'm struck by your words about resentment and resignation. How do we cope when things slap us in the face and knock us down? I would posit that there is certainly no one size fits all answer to this question. Some days I sit in my chair and get little done except bemoan how badly my life has become. Other days, I am full of hope and even a bit of joy. Other days, I just plug along.

    My heart goes out to you. You have had a very horrible year. I do think of you often, and I lift up a prayer for you. One day at time, dear Friko. One day at a time. That's how I take life. Somedays, I take it hour by hour. Blessings.

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  7. Your fine writing in the service of honesty is one of the richest experiences I find in my blogging life. May this year bring you a great wave of good fortune, unexpected sweetness, and further insight. Thank you for posting. Warmly,

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  8. I am so sorry for the dreadful times you and your other half had last year and hope very much that progress will continue albeit perhaps more slowly. I have no good advice I'm afraid, I have no idea how other people cope. It mainly comes down to temperament I suppose as to whether one soldiers on with resignation, resentment or quiet stoicism. Although I am not a stoic I suspect it is better for one's own health. The only thing I can add which might help is what my mother always told me, "Nothing remains the same, neither the good, but nor does the bad". As others have said, "one day at a time". Good luck, thinking of you:)

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  9. I know my track record, so I don't bother making resolutions. Resigned...hmm, accepting would be less likely to breed resentment. Cheerful acceptance is expecting too much. The year after the Queen's annus horibilis wasn't so bad for her. I hope this year is better for you.

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  10. I've rarely made it to Valentine's Day with any resolution. Last year's "lose 10 pounds" worked so well that now I need to lose twenty.

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  11. I don't make resolutions...I just keep buggering on - politely when I can, aggressively when politeness meets with no success.

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  12. Who said old age would be easy? What the hell does golden age mean. We challenge what comes and enjoy what life throws at us.

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  13. Reading the comments was just as interesting and thought-provoking than your post, Friko.
    As several others here have said, there is no "one size fits all" way to cope. For me, the answer is gratitude - for the good things in my life, not the bad, of course. Just having food on my table every day, a good roof over my head, my own warm, clean bed to sleep in, electricity, heat and hot water without having to think about it; a job I like, a family and friends I love and who love me; relative health and a body that mostly does what it is told - Life Is Good.
    I'm not immune to bouts of sadness that still overcome me every now and then, mostly (but not only) in relation with Steve's death. But these are just part of being human, I suppose. At least I don't need to worry about bombs hitting my town and family members drowning in the Mediterranean on their way to Europe.

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  14. I am much more capable of optimism and hope when the sun is out, as it is here in Arizona on most winter days. Here's to an early, sunny spring!

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  15. I try my best to get through the bad days and hope for better tomorrows. It is never easy, but I just keep paddling and will until the boat sinks.

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  16. I don't make resolutions. Some years I've done "intentions" but I didn't even do that this year. I'm saviring what's good and doing my best to roll with what's not.

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  17. Maybe the only resolution to make is to write about it, share with others, find solace in our common experiences. One thing to know: Your posts touch our minds and hearts.

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  18. I made no resolutions for this new year - and I have kept them all.

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  19. I don't make resolutions for a New Year, just try to keep going with a positive attitude and taking each day as it comes. Hope your 2016 is a great year! It's speeding by quickly, for sure.

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  20. Last year was a roller coaster of ups and downs...and this year has begun with me still dealing with the months of physical fallout. I don't write resolutions, but I do make a goal list. Nothing more than a big project wish list really. I have just put the goal list on hold till I am feeling better--but try to do what I can when I can. It's a very fluid list.

    Sorry you are feeling resigned and resentful. There's probably nothing anyone can say to make you feel better, but I still would prefer to think of it as acceptance and temporary frustration. ;)

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  21. Dear Friko, I remember a long ago boyfriend telling me that I was an underachiever. Well, that did not go down very well with me, because I guess I felt as if I'd already accomplished quite a lot in my own quiet way. It did tell me a lot about him, and it wasn't long before we split up.

    I've continued on my own one-off pathway, and had helpings of happiness and sadness. I recognize both quite well by now, but welcome happiness with greater enthusiasm.

    Towards the end of last year, as the daylight hours were growing shorter, and the Holiday Spirit was being urged upon us, I began some serious thinking about some future planning. As 2016 progresses, I've been able to take some steps towards reaching some of the planned goals. More steps are now being taken. Nothing is too grand, but it is all important to me.

    It's possible that before long i might even write about these plans in my own posts.

    May I once again tell you how glad I am to be able to read your posts, and even more glad to have actually met you.

    Best wishes to you and yours. xo

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  22. I don't recall ever having made New Year's resolutions, despite surely having done so now and again. Seems a case in point about their value . . . . Perhaps the only one worth making is a resolution not to make a resolution. Or maybe, we can follow the lead of Shostakovich, who, in response to Stalin's promise of a brighter and brighter future ahead, proposed this New Year's toast: 'Let's drink to this - that things don't get any better!'

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  23. I have stuck to my resolution to get to the gym Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, or had until this latest snowfall. Couldn't get out at all this AM. Still working on other resolves, i.e. lose more weight or at least dont gain it; handle bills, do the taxes. Susecc on two of them so far.

    How do I get on with it, especially cooped up with hubby? I live ODAT....One Day at a Time.

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  24. So far I am doing quite well with some resolutions, mixed on some others, and haven't started a few but will do so when the weather improves. Not bad.

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  25. I was never in the habit of making resolutions but on occasion I do. my two most successful ones were 1. to spend my pennies, to take the time to count out my change and 2. to do 5 sun salutations (yoga sequence) a day. I will still pay with exact change or with change when I have it and I am still doing my 5 (that was for 2015 and I'm still at it). I didn't make one for this year. I know last year was a terrible one for you so my hope is that this one is better.

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  26. I don't make resolutions anymore, just a few intentions:) They didn't seem to work for me:)

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  27. Hi Friko - I've never made resolutions ... I just hope to put my happy face forward, face the music, and push on - for some reason I do feel easier this year - not sure why - and definitely life is not going to be easy. So my positive side is out in front, the smile is on my face - and I need to get on with things ...

    I hope Spring will bring some gentle squishing and squashing of resentment and resignation ... gently creeping up around those two difficult words and letting some light in for the year ahead ...

    With thoughts - cheers Hilary

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  28. Oh dear, I lost my comment. So I'll go it again. I think your resolution (as it may be called) is a good one. Not always easy. I tend to be that half-full person that ticks people off because I try to see the jolly. But it isn't always easy. The aging thing is no fun and it's been a grim winter, though the infection and month of drugs is over; now I'm trying to master physical therapy for the knee. This, too, will pass. I've been much worse before and must remember that!

    I don't make resolutions any more. Too stodgy and difficult to attain and I'd be wracked with guilt if I didn't do them. Now I make goals that are relatively easily attainable and nothing to terrible that if I mess up, I feel too awful. Made me feel much better!

    Here's to some blue sky coming in soon to brighten all of us!

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  29. You must accept the things you cannot change and gather energy to change the things you can. Cold comfort, I know, but there are days when I wish there was more magic. I no longer make resolutions.

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  30. Well, here I come: the outlier, or whatever. I'm always making resolutions. I make them daily, weekly -- whenever. Almost every morning I get up and think, "What am I going to do with this day." The answers always vary, of course, but I like the feeling of gathering myself, considering that this might not be the first day of the rest of my life, but the last day -- and then, I get on with it.

    If there's a worry lurking about, it's money -- as it is for so many. Because I'm healthy enough to keep working, I can keep the wolf from the door. But, should injury or disease show up, I could be in trouble. So, for now, I just remind myself that I've managed to deal with the horrors of the past, and for now, things are good. I certainly hope that, by the end of this year, you can look back and say, "You know, it really was better." You certainly deserve it.

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  31. I don't make resolutions either. At the moment I am simply focussing on today and what I can do to make it good. Sometimes it is a walk or a glass of wine. Sometimes it is just a fire or a bath. Sometimes I can't quite get there. But I am still here when my mother and father are not and when I remember the extraordinary courage my father displayed in the face of MND and what it did to him I feel I can find and take pleasure in small things, most of the time.

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