Wednesday 18 March 2015

Shadows of One Sort and Another


I was quite pleased with myself last week. There are few weeks when I can sidestep the black hole altogether, and keeping a black cock hatched in March as a protection against evil spirits - it is said they are terrified of his crowing - isn’t on the cards as I don’t keep chickens, so feeling good about myself and the world around me was surprisingly pleasant. I must try it more often. This week started a little less bright but at least the weather wasn’t all bad. Afternoon sun threw shadows across the field, and the river sparkled. Paul and I chucked a couple of hours' work at the garden too, another first for the year. I’ll get those pesky endorphins moving yet. In fact, I’d better. A winter of sitting on the sofa reading books and eating chocolate has done my shape no favours at all. I got on the scales the other day and took a quick look over my shoulder to see if anybody behind me was putting a foot on; but no, it was all me. A lot of me.


The reason I was feeling proud of myself last week was a very simple one: I rediscovered the joys of going outside my comfort zone. In a previous existence I depended on no one but myself for everything, child raising, money earning, household keeping etc. All the obligations of adulthood landed on my shoulders. Not a state of being I’d wholeheartedly recommend. With Beloved it all changed; the children had grown up and left - that blissful state all of you whining about empty nest syndrome will one day come to appreciate - and I became not only a kept woman but one who found a solid presence beside her at all times. 

And now that solid presence isn’t quite as solid as it was and I am having to relearn being the one who not only does, but also makes a lot of the decisions to do what, when, where and how. It happens. Take driving to town and going shopping. Any kind of driving, in fact. Beloved didn’t feel like coming  along, so I went off by myself.

“I am a bus virgin”, I said to the uniformed driver of indeterminate gender, as I stepped on board the ‘park-and-ride’ in the county town - s/he had a kind of curly halo of dark hair and I didn’t want to stare - “please tell me how this works.” I always find people are willing to teach you anything provided you act dumb and ask nicely. 

Shrewsbury is a lovely town, with steep lanes and smart little shops. Once I’d completed the main errand, collecting a watch from the jewellers’, I decided to roam. I bought some new undies, a lipstick, some smart notepads, a few tasty treats at the delicatessen’s and made various other totally unnecessary purchases, only limited by having to carry them to the ‘park-and-ride’ which would take me to the car park on the edge of town, the supermarket for boring groceries, and thence the hour's drive back home to Valley’s End. 

It was nothing, most of you do this daily, but I’ve been leading my life in tandem for many years now and going it alone is a whole new, slightly scary but not unpleasant, departure. Throughout the week I kept up this determination to step out of the twosome. We had dinner guests, a meal which I planned, shopped for and cooked - something usually goes wrong, this time I burnt the roasted vegetables. Prof. Tony was kind enough to say that he preferred his vegetables crispy - ; I drove us to a theatre one night, only a short journey, but I’ve been avoiding night driving for a long time;  going to a restaurant on my own was something I did all the time years ago, now I am doing that again too. Beloved will still accompany me on many outings but sometimes he feels the effort is too much and not worth it.

The shadow of old age encroaching on daily life is something we must all face eventually, but it needn’t be the death knell of all endeavour, singly or jointly.




40 comments:

  1. Aging unevenly is something I read about on another blog just recently. It's a reality for many. I'm glad to read that the black dog has been kept at bay and that you are bravely venturing out. Life offers opportunities for adventures great and small all the way through.

    ReplyDelete
  2. All life is hard, but it does sometimes seem that the problems increase when we age and have less energy to cope with them. I've always come and gone by myself, though, so I needn't get re-used to that. It's very simple -- my husband of fifty years (can you believe it? I can't!) hates to shop and expects everything from potatoes to tea bags to underwear to appear in the cupboards by magic. And, usually they do.


    Regarding the blue feeling from the winter, it may be caused by lack of sunlight. You might want to try a Vitamin D supplement. Just a simple basic one from the health store/pharmacy should do the trick. I started taking one in the morning and one with dinner this winter, and have felt much, much better for it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Once again you speak to me as if directly! From " In a previous existence I depended on no one but myself for everything, child raising, money earning, household keeping etc. All the obligations of adulthood landed on my shoulders." To the presence beside one becoming less solid. . . . .


    "It is so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived light in
    the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done."
    Matthew Arnold

    Good on you for striking out on your own once more as warranted!



    ALOHA from Honolulu
    ComfortSpiral
    =^..^=

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh friend I am with you on this whole aging thing. We all slow down eventually. You are doing good with going outside your comfort zone. That shopping trip sounds successful and like you enjoyed it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. There are realistic challenges to growing old, but like you, we can't let them overwhelm us.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm with Beloved. I'd let someone else do the to-ing and fro-ing if there were someone else to do it. Just today I chose to book a flight rather than face a long drive, something that would never have happened a couple of years ago. The aging and slowing down thing is just part of the privilege of life. Good on you for taking on that bus. I really wouldn't know how to go about that.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh good! Thank you Friko! I am going out today! YES! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  8. As I approach an older age, I am starting to appreciate the effort of that must be put in to get daily exercise and the fact that you might quickly tire of walking, but you really must force yourself and to lesser extent, getting out and being social.

    ReplyDelete
  9. No better season for trying new stuff than spring, is there!
    For the same reasons as you, my parents have been doing many things seperately for years, too. My Dad can't walk very far anymore, but he loves the outdoors and so spends as much time as he can on the allotment. My Mum likes walking (as is obvious from my blog), but Dad can't do those distances anymore, and so she walks with me or with a friend. My Dad goes to bed early, my Mum is a "Nachteule" and stays up to read, watch films, or goes to concerts and the theatre with a friend.
    It is good of/for you and I imagine it takes some courage (depending on the activity) to start doing things on your own again.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh Friko I often wonder if I have some invisible little rascal hiding in my bathroom whose one joy in life is to stand on my scales alongside me!
    As your days lengthen so ours are getting shorter - I'm hoping I can keep up with my exercise regime and not become a chair sitter once rhe colder weather arrives
    Cathy

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi Friko - I can feel the way and the doing ... and now some help required .. but generally keeping fully occupied is a good thing - also makes the conversation easier ... shadows - I hope they stay away for a while! Take care and enjoy the warmer (sometime soon I hope) and the longer days definitely on their way ... with thoughts for you both .. cheers Hilary

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm not really looking forward to aging (more:), because I don't know what future has ready for me. I'm not ready to age yet, I don't want to be an elderly women :D
    It must be a great change in life you're going through. Hope things change slowly for both of you.
    And my scales must be from the same store, it shows way too much :))
    Have a beautiful day
    【ツ】Knipsa

    ReplyDelete
  13. "I always find people are willing to teach you anything provided you act dumb and ask nicely. " Me too, though it was bit of a stretch yesterday when I couldn't remember my own phone number while dropping off a pair of slacks to be cleaned. I wasn't just acting dumb - I was. :) I'm just on the rim here, Friko, with night driving. Unfortunately, we both are.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Friko, even though I am very much on my own, I found much that I recognized in this post. I also found out long ago that it's wise not to appear very wise when asking for help or instruction. I practiced that just the other day at an Apple store when inquiring about smartphones. It was enjoyable to have a fellow young enough to be my mythological grandson politely and wisely explain a lot to me.

    I am very fortunate to have a variety of interactions every day with folks from many generations. It helps me not to fall too far behind.

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  15. What a great post. It's a lesson for us all, on how to view aging. Thanks, I really liked it.

    Greetings from London.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I don't enjoy doing things alone either after all these years of togetherness. Sometimes the dog and I must just go for a ride to rejuvinate. I hope your shadows stay away..maybe some Vitamin D would help:)

    ReplyDelete
  17. I've been on my own for 8 years and I've thought that if I get to the point that I'm sharing a household again I'll want to keep doing some things on my own so that they don't become overwhelming or frightening to me.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I love your attitude about the aging and the need to change your life a little. I have several friends dealing with Alzheimers in mates, both male and female, and it is really a challenge for them.

    ReplyDelete
  19. You are a wise old owl and I do think owls are one of my favorite species. I also am facing some issues, which may or may not be serious and only time will tell, and I and my spouse are changing roles similar to you. I have been with spouse, with kids and alone and managed ... so I am guessing I will do so in the future. We must encourage each other and I notice the lonely folks more these days.

    ReplyDelete
  20. The trouble is that one's never ready ... these things 'will happen one day' .
    Luckily , like you , we can surprise ourselves and be proud . Well done !

    ReplyDelete
  21. Both kids are grown, and on their own ... but no empty nest syndrome for me yet ... still working, and glad to plop into my empty nest after work ... smiles.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I've read this post now several times....thanks to Leo being so ill for so long life has been rather solitary when it comes to shopping, dealing with things, etc....and now that neither of us drive the pleasure of popping into the car and taking off is no longer possible, as we have to call the man who works for us to take the wheel.
    On the other hand, now that Leo is feeling better generally than once he did we have a lot of time to compare books and to talk...so that's the upside. Always adjustments.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh, I can relate to this too. t the beginning of my husband's illness, driving the 100 plus miles to UCLA, the last 20 or so, hrough the worst freeway traffic on this earth, was not easy and most definitely out of my comfort zone. By now it has become much easier, I have learned how and where to stop for a short break, where I can get off the freeway and take surface streets if the traffic has me bothered too much. I too feel rather proud of myself. I know you will enjoy your outings more and more.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I find it wonderful that you are stepping out, so to speak. We all have to sooner or later in one way or another. As Eleanor Roosevelt used to say, "Do one thing every day that scares you." I'm not that good at that yet, but I suspect that life will force the issue.

    You know, I rarely take the bus. It isn't that easy here with things being spread out and it's easier to drive. But I have to admit a few years back when I had shoulder surgery and couldn't drive, I did do the bus for about a month -- walked the mile to the nearest stop, walked another when I got off unless I took the really short but much longer way. I felt like I was part of the human race, the real people and it didn't do my hips any harm, either!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I apologize that I have to open with the very pat "Good for you." But, you know, Venturing on one's own when used to company is significant, and I have great respect for it. The beauties of a good relationship can also be its downsides, as we get too used to someone else's strengths handling things for us, or a division of labor that lets us get comfortable, and a world where it's not strictly up to us. There's much to be said for rediscovering what all we're capable of.

    ReplyDelete
  26. It's not easy to get out on one's own, all the more when you've been "in tandem" a good long while. Here, the issue is one of us "retired" and one of us still working. I find it very hard, particularly when the weather isn't auspicious, as is the case up here all too often, to get myself up and out on my own. I tend instead to sink into this chair or that with reading and various "projects." When I do rouse myself, I mostly (though not always), enjoy it, so I try to remember that, but it's not as easy as it seems it ought to be.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I've been on my own now for -- well, for years. Decades. So, the getting out and about isn't so much of an issue, but there is the other side of the coin: needing to ask for help that isn't a natural part of daily life. Eye surgery and preparations for surgery are looming, and that means a need for assistance. It's such a strange feeling to confront a situation where I can't be wholly independent: at minimum, not able to drive myself home after surgery. So there are lessons everywhere, for all of us.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oh, good for you, Friko! Though my husband is still quite fit , our life takes us in differen directions now and then and I've learned to enjoy traveling on my own. (Not least because I can stop and take pictures whenever I feel like it -- he tends to want to get to the destination without lots of side trips.)

    ReplyDelete
  29. I am stepping out of my comfort zone also.
    Much changing
    but it is not going to stop me from enjoying life.
    Your post this morning
    spoke to me in a special way.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Bliss is found on the outer edge of our comfort zone.

    Good for you!

    XO
    WWW

    ReplyDelete
  31. Trying again - blogger didn't like my comment, I guess.
    Wanted to say.......this seems to have struck a chord with others. While The Great Dane hasn't stepped back as much as Your Beloved, I have had to step forward and take the lead for the past four years. It's not all bad - but it took, and continues to require a certain kind of energy. Sometimes I am tired of being 'in front' all the time. You put it very well.

    ReplyDelete
  32. what a great and wise post, friko. i have learned and adjusted to this new and different independence also, and i like it a lot. i'm less afraid, more adventuresome, and happier with my own company. not to say i don't enjoy my partner of 30 years--but i do enjoy the extra depth i bring along.

    i am glad for you! that attitude will carry you straight to purple hats and silly grins.

    love
    kj

    ReplyDelete
  33. Friko, thank you for a wise, lovely blog post. O/H's health is not too good either and I can identify with so much of what you're saying. Life does go on as it must.

    ReplyDelete
  34. We do what needs done, and by stretching or re-stretching our boundaries we come to appreciate the freedom we still have, the faculties that can be counted on again. I thoroughly enjoyed this post.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Well written Friko, and you've captured my sentiments exactly. I have lived a mostly solitary life for some time, because David can't remember things the way he once did. I'm working on acceptance of this fact.

    Once you accept the way things are, and make the best of what remains, life brightens. For example, he still shops for groceries because he wants too, however, the list I put together is followed by folks at the store who treat us very kindly. The manager told him this week if he called in an item he would personally drop it off at our house. We live three blocks from the store. and one of the clerks lives two houses away.

    Lately, I've been doing most of the driving. For the first time in a while we will drive to my daughter's for Easter because I will do most of the driving.

    David can't remember things as well as he once did so I repeat myself ...a lot. I miss his conversations of old. The major reason reason I blog is for "conversation" with others.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. Good for you!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Also meant to say, I can totally relate to your stepping on the scales and looking over your shoulder! I'm dragging out the scales this morning to see how much damage I've done over the winter. I'm absolutely tired of feeling fat and heavy!

    ReplyDelete
  38. I really understand the pleasure of doing things alone for a change. For nearly twenty years I worked away from home a lot and Ian held the fort. Since I did my big downsize and Ian cut his working hours we spend a lot of time together. I like it. Often I love it. But on the occasions when I am out in the big world by myself as I used to be I also like the reminder of my own individual competence. I am glad you can enjoy your separate times and well as the together ones. "Let there be spaces in your togetherness" and all that.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I could relate with this one. And all I have to say is "Good for you!"

    =)

    ReplyDelete
  40. This post spoke to me, because I too have lived a 'sometimes together, sometimes alone 'life for a while now. It's not that DH can't do the things I want to do, but he has different tastes and interests, so I've got used to doing quite a lot by myself over the years. I'm glad you're finding that it can be invigorating to do things by oneself at times.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are good, I like to know what you think of my posts. I know you'll keep it civil.