Saturday, 17 January 2015
It’s done. It broke my heart, but it’s done.
I’ve stopped dithering in the middle of the bridge and crossed over.
Do you know what it feels like to face a dilemma which you must resolve, one way or another, both ways being equally painful? When a person you love dearly holds all the cards but refuses to let you play. When, in your heart of hearts, you truly feel no guilt, but are blamed nonetheless. And there is nothing you can do. Absolutely nothing.
Yes, you could swallow your dignity, accept the blame for an imagined offence, beg forgiveness for something you don’t believe you have done. But then what ? What do you gain? Can you still love that person as dearly? There will always be falsehood, resentment and, in the end, the bitter taste of failure. Your sacrifice will turn to ashes in your mouth. Even Beloved, the kindest and most conciliatory person in the world knows it would take a miracle to make it better.
There’s no one I can tell, except a stranger whom I pay to sort it out. And you.