Saturday 6 September 2014

What’s HE Doing?


Thanks Hilary


The waiting room in the skin clinic was quiet; people were  reading, staring out of the window, occasionally shuffling their feet and drinking water from plastic cups filled at the water fountain. Although the clinic was busy, there were plenty of empty seats and the atmosphere was peaceful and patient. Everybody was middle-aged and older except for one young mother and her son, a little boy too young to be able to read but old enough to look at pictures and recognise what they depicted.

I had my Ipad to read; there was one empty seat between me and the little boy and his mother. The centre table held a pile of magazines which soon engaged the child’s interest. He fetched one magazine after the other and plonked them on his mum’s lap; once he’d collected the whole pile he asked mum to open them and to look through them page by page. So far so good, he was perfectly quiet and didn’t really disturb anyone else, except those who might have wanted to glance at a magazine themselves.

Now comes the bit I found to be worthy of comment: the magazines had pictures, the usual stuff,  people, cars, houses, etc. The little boy pointed to each picture in turn and said “What’s HE doing”, the emphasis on the ‘HE’ regardless of the subject.  Again, that in itself is no great cause for concern but to me the mother’s reaction to his unchanging question was. Invariably, patiently, kindly, she answered him by telling him that 'the car was shiny, the man smartly dressed, the house big, the lorry articulated', etc. etc. Never once did she do what to me would have been the most natural response, namely to invite the child to explore the picture with her and for the two of them to work out what was happening in it.

After about the 20th ‘What’s HE doing’, I muttered under my breath ‘You tell me, mate’. He heard me and very briefly looked at me, but quickly turned back, continuing as before.

Is learning really just being told what’s in front of you or is a great part of it discovering things for yourself, with the help of someone else naturally, working them out, browsing, getting them wrong sometimes but persevering nevertheless. It’s a long time since I had small children but I can’t remember ever just stuffing them with ready made answers to their questions. Not that they would have appreciated this, they probably complained that I ‘made a fuss’ and 'talked too much’.

There is this lovely story about David Attenborough  -  Godfather of Natural History TV  and one of Britain’s National Treasures  -  as a young boy finding an animal bone in the garden and taking it to his father, a GP, who pretended not to recognise it. Instead, they pored over zoology and anatomy books together. “They shared the excitement of discovery."

If one of the little people in your household shows open curiosity and a wish to explore, indulge them, and gently lead them on the path of discovery. You might even learn something new yourself.




42 comments:

  1. been a long time since mine were little or my grandkids for that matter. I'm sure I answered questions like that with a straight answer but I'm also sure many times I asked them back, 'what do you think he's doing'.

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  2. I bet you were a great mom. It's one thing to answer questions that can't fully be explored, but my goodness -- she's just spoon feeding the kid. Bet he'd never be able to figure out what to do with a card catalogue. (Well, I think there's probably a whole generation who can't figure that out, now!). I so agree with your perspective and engaging in dialogue with the child, trying to let them discover. We've done that when Kevin -- the totally non-art kid -- accompanied us to an art museum while we were killing time waiting for is brother's concert to begin. He'd look at the modern art and ask "What is it supposed to be?" We'd say, "Well, what do you think?" "How does it make you feel?" "What do you like or not like about it?" And pretty soon that non-art kid was making some pretty artistic observations, not too shabby for a kid at the age of 10. He's still not the art kid. But he now knows it is more than being able to draw or paint himself.

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  3. That is a good idea, to ask children questions and let them imagine and learn.

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  4. Hi Friko - I wonder if she was just trying to keep him quiet - but your concept is probably more right (dreadful English!) .. no mention of SHEs either .. I've always engaged kids .. in fact it was mentioned this week by my honorary godaughter's mother ... how I always stretched them.

    Not having kids myself ... ah but I do = me! I'm now learning like billyoh ... in fact said goddaughter said oh Hilly stop analysing everything .. such is life .. I wish I'd asked more as a youngster .. but if things weren't easy one tended to keep quiet ...

    Love it when kids are interested ... and wish people would be more interested and want to learn .. great post and exposition of that moment in the waiting room ... cheers Hilary

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  5. Hello,

    Yes, we are in complete agreement with you here. Indeed, we often make a similar comment about the education system here in Hungary. Whilst we are amongst the first to point out the many failings of the English educational system and the superior level of Hungarian teaching, there is a tendency here for students to be permanently made aware of what they do not know and for the teacher to force feed them with information. How much better we feel it is to know where the student is at academically and to build and develop from that point with discoveries made alongside rather than at the feet of the teacher. As you say, learning can be for everyone at whatever age!

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  6. I agree. We live in an age when every answer is immediately available on Google.. but too many don't teach their kidlets how to explore to find answers on their own.. and eventually resort to the solution provider, if all else fails. And I can remember many a time when I have substituted the correct pronoun or pronunciation for a child in my response. But at the risk of writing the mum off, I think there's probably some truth to my namesake's thoughts about not wanting to disrupt the quiet of the room. Only she knows her child well enough to determine if probing for his own response might result in frustration and tantrums. It surely shouldn't but ya never know.

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  7. I suppose I am not a very good grandmother. I constantly talk over my grand children. One day my granddaughter Amilia asked me the name of a flower. She said what's that.). I told her Echineacea. This fall she will complete an advanced degree in Earth Science, so I guessed she liked those Latin words.

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  8. I have sat at the lunch table with too many young parents who only speak of what movies their kids watch and what amusement venue they will be taken to this weekend. I hold my tongue to keep from asking them what would happen if they turned off the television and their kids for a hike instead. They talk about baby gates keeping their kids out of the kitchen and laundry rooms. I have to wonder how much their kids can learn from Disney movies. Yes, the kitchen has risks. But it is one of the best places to teach chemistry. A child can understand that the knife is sharp and the stove is hot without it endangering his life. I was not the best parent, but I did always set the goal for my children to be functional adults by the age of 21.

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  9. Maybe she knew it was a good way to keep him calm and quiet while they waited. When The Hurricane was young, every night she asked me, What will we do tomorrow, Mommy? I would list everything I knew that we needed to do. I could have asked her what she thought we would do, but the point was that hearing it from me comforted her. She's getting her Ph.D. in mathematics at a major university, so I don't think anyone would feel she was spoon fed information.

    Love,
    Janie

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  10. Yes, her priority in that public setting may have been to create as little disturbance as possible.

    However, I couldn't agree more with you, Friko, that the goal should be to teach our children to think and reflect, not to spoon feed them information. The great child psychiatrist, Winnicott, said a good parent 'does not abandon and does not interfere'. If the mother's reported responses are the only means she uses to teach her child, it could be viewed as 'interfering' with the child's right to discover, ponder, think, wonder, explore and reflect.

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  11. A friend of mine told me about what it was like to have small children and have people judging your every action. Her example was . . . the end of a long bad day in which everything was "no-no" and in the supermarket, the child begs for a bag of m&m's and Mother buys it. All around her are people thinking, "Look at her, ruining that child!"
    Y'just never know . . . maybe the little boy was reversing their usual game. Maybe Mom always asks the little boy, "What do you think HE's doing?"

    As for your mutter . . . you remind me of my waitress days when a toddler was screaming while she and her parents waited for a table. I had occasion to squat down near her to pick up something from the floor. Eye to eye, I said to her, in a very soft voice: Nobody wants to hear it. Her eyes got round and her mouth stopped yelling and there was peace in the kingdom. And nobody knew I'd just been mean to a little child. >:-P

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  12. The Attenborough story is wonderful. I do feel a bit for the young mother, who may well have been divided in her focus between waiting room etiquette and engaging her child. Hard to know.

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  13. In agreement. I usually make a story out of whatever graphic is in front of us while waiting for the food, the service, whatever. I also love to explore and really examine a found object and show what I can see. You are correct in that expanding their ability to think and observe is the important part. Mum must have been pretty tired and was just glad he was behaving.

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  14. I remember, back in the days when I had little kids, how much I enjoyed playing with them. You've stirred up quite a bit of memories for me, Friko. I was so young and inexperienced, I don't remember what I did or didn't do in a waiting room with my little ones. Now I wonder.

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  15. Ahhh, you've touched a nerve here with me.
    First of all, yes, I always try to encourage little ones (and not-so-little as well) to work their way through a question. My four year old granddaughter and I just this week had an interesting discussion on what true love is.

    I worry, more and more, that in the US, where I live, and I am sure in other countries as well, that we are obsessed with test taking and teaching how to take tests and in the process are producing several generations of children who can take tests BUT do know how to seek knowledge.

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  16. I agree that the learning should have more participation and ownership from the learner.

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  17. We have our grandson overnight, and I have instructions from his mom. He is to reread some books he has previously read, and I am to ask him to make changes to the story for it to still make sense. She is always looking for new ways to challenge him. Kinda fun!

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  18. i think that the discovery of learning is the best way...you actually have ownership of it then...so i commend that dad on his approach....

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  19. I remember getting the ready-made answers and can't help wondering if that was because my parents had to tell my older sister because she was retarded and couldn't have thought things for herself. They must have got so used to just telling what everything was or was doing.

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  20. If we wish to raise children who will become thinking adults we have to do more than point out the obvious or encourage rote. We have to (I wish I could find a better word) engage in conversation, investigation, detective work etc with the children.
    Of course, here in British Columbia the teachers are on strike. It is terrible sad to hear both sides - the government and the teachers' union - insist that they have the best interest of the children at heart.

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  21. Interesting . By the time they were three , my children all had their own ideas about what was going on and were all too happy to tell All Here Gathered all about it .
    June may be right , the mother might well have been trying to keep it to a low roar .

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  22. I was most fortunate to be in a family of discovery. - We went on adventures, even walking adventures. My Mom would get us to draw what we liked the most about our day and then we would make a story....or , we could draw many things and tell many stories. There were questions galore and I can remember my Mom saying the answer and again saying, "What do you think? Tell me what you think". I also remember being in the DOCTOR'S OFFICE was like going to CHURCH - a man to be well respected and one did not make a lot of noise or mis-behave. My Mother would say that some people in the Doctors Office were not feeling well, so it was my responsibility not to be loud. I remember seeing other people taking magazines and reading silently, so I did the same. NOW, here the Doctors offices have play areas and toys and games for the children and upon some visits I think I have gone to the playground. Neat Post Friko on "What's HE Doing", Eh :)

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  23. I haven't raised kids yet, but anyways I absolutely agree with you :) Kids need to explore and find their own stories and explanations for things, guided by those surrounding them. I will keep this little story in mind for those kids to come in my life :)

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  24. Once again you've heartily earned my vote for Global Potentate!



    ALOHA from Honolulu
    ComfortSpiral
    =^..^= . <3

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  25. Good to be visiting you again, Friko, for a good "common sense" read. While I was in Australia recently I answered my sister's grandchild's question with "What do you think?" He looked to heaven and sighed, "Do all you grandmothers do that?" Gave me a chuckle!

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  26. Sometimes as a kid I came across a term in a book I didn't understand, and then I'd go and ask my Mum or Dad what that specific term meant. In that case, all I wanted was a quick definition of the word, not a lengthy explanation of its context (because I usually understood the context well enough). But when it came to exploring, I loved doing that on my own as soon as I had mastered the art of reading, thanks to my sister who taught me by "playing school" when I was almost 5. I loved my "Kinder Kosmos" books very much, and to this day, when I come across a subject that is touched only superficially in a book or an article, I go and do research about it until I am satisfied.

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  27. Another vote for your view, Friko. I sometimes think one of the best things an adult can say to a child (on the right occasion) is "I don't know" (though not necessarily in the tired and irritated way my parents might sometimes say it to me, and preferably followed by something like, "We'll have to look it up when we get home").

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  28. I need to be prepared for these moments when I become a father someday :-)

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  29. I agree with you. It never failed that when I bit my tongue and let my children lead the way through something I thought I already knew through and through, they would discover something new for both of us.

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  30. Oh, I agree with you. Letting kids explore and use their imaginations are gifts!

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  31. Yes, it's so much better to let a child find her own answers. The David Attenborough story is delightful.

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  32. I'm with you on this one. You are spot on with your observations.

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  33. I agree that kids need to explore - absolutely. When my daughter was little we would "discover" those pictures ourselves. Only when she was really stuck I would give her hints or ask questions that might help her on her discovery.
    However, these two were at a clinic, right? So probably one of them had some kind of problem, so I guess it might be the mother and she brought her kid with her since there was no other place for him to stay. Perhaps she was just plain tired and answering his questions were easier for her in this situation. Perhaps she was exhausted by medication, a painful skin condition, whatever. I'm just guessing and trying to see that there might be a reason that she chose this route. Perhaps - perhaps - she lets her kid explore all the time and just wanted a break? I don't know, and I certainly love the discovery way better, but I also try to see the mom with other (exploring?) eyes.

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  34. I enjoyed that post Friko and above all the whispering under your breath. We have been in Nashville now for a week keeping the grand kids, the two oldest go to school but the 3 years old is with us all the time (luckily the parents took the 1 year old with them.) We try to answer his questions the best we can but it sure is exhausting! But when we get tired, we give him the vacuum cleaner – he loves to vacuum the rooms (unplugged of course.)

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  35. "Education is not the filling of a bucket, but the lighting of a fire." -- W. B. Yeats

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  36. I'm with you. I'll never forget my own father and his patience waiting for me to solve the "grown-up" crossword in the daily evening paper. I would look forward to it with so much excitement. I was 6,

    XO
    WWW

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  37. Dear Friko, sound advice. When I was teaching juniors (3rd year of high school here in the states) in Claremont, NH, I used your technique and the students complained to the superintendent of schools that I was too dumb to teach them!!! We worked it all out because they understood when I explained exactly why I was throwing the question back on them. They soon delighted in discovery. Peace.

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  38. That's a great thought. It's interesting how watching the people around us can lead us down paths of thought, isn't it? I find this to be especially true in waiting rooms.

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  39. I agree, but wonder about the circumstances. Maybe she was exhausted and just answering the questions was all she had in her at that moment.

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  40. A most excellent point--'tho I also agree with Secret Agent Woman's observation, too. It would take a longitudinal study of that mother and son to know how representative that interaction was of her overall mothering style. That noted, it's so true that adults want to give answers more than prod discovery. I am better able to break myself out of that habit with friends' kids versus my own. With my friends' kids, I find that they come up to me and ask, "What are you doing?" when their eyes absolutely can answer their own question--so I always say, "I'll give you one hundred guesses. Go."

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  41. I guess at least she was talking to him. I hate to see parents who just tell their kid to shut up.

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