Wednesday 13 August 2014

I Want Dogs' Ears, Please


Last weekend we went to a dinner party, that high point of social interaction. Yes, there are still people who invite us; in case you are wondering why, I keep this blog secret. You know my general opinion of parties and social events, but some dinner parties are great. This one was. A group of bright, clever, articulate people assembled round the table in a convivial house, I really don’t know how we got through the IQ security gates; a temporary wand malfunction? There was a real life published literary novelist (not like so many of us blog scribblers calling ourselves writers when all we do is pen blogposts of questionable quality - yes, you in high dudgeon over there, I am including myself). There was a painter, again real life, a journalist and writer of academic books,  and assorted actors - teachers - singers. All very much real life. And, like I said, us.

A dazzling company. No wonder the host forgot about my food allergy and cooked Coronation Chicken with creme fraiche instead of mayonnaise. He gave somebody who can’t eat red onions a side dish containing lots of them and another guest carefully examined the chicken for bits of mango. Mangoes bring on an asthma attack in him. (Notice that I am handing you an idea for an icebreaker if you ever need one at one of your own lavish parties?  Free of charge. Just make the food memorably inedible for a section of the guests and you’re more than halfway to a successful evening. Provide enough quality wine and the guests will be begging you for another chance to be poisoned by you).

But the conversation was great. So was my food in the end. The host magicked me a delicious omelette in the blink of an eye. I was served before the other diners had had access to all the dishes going round.

Getting back to the conversation - the two gentlemen either side of me were extremely adept socially, each spoke to me in turn.  Just as it should be. You turn to your partner on your left and then, at a suitable break in the conversation, or when the next course is served, you dazzle the lady on your right. And so on round the table.

I  hate it when there are several conversations going on at the same time because I always want to listen to the other one. You could just have four people, of course, but then there wouldn’t be enough different viewpoints. And I admit to liking a rowdy table, particularly as the evening progresses. I noticed that the ladies sitting in the middle didn’t bother with dinner party rules: they just spoke across and to right and left as they pleased. This particular host frequently places me at the top end of the table, thereby putting me at a disadvantage, at least until we are all suitably relaxed and I can lean over, usually into the pudding, to catch what is being discussed at the other end.

This is where dogs’ ears come in. Dogs can swivel their ears independently from each other, helping them to identify and capture sounds from different directions, even pick up sound from far away. They can hear things that haven’t even been said yet. As in thunder, for instance. Mille knows about thunder in the next county when I’m still chewing on the first course and she can hear a doggie biscuit tin rattle while she is deep in conversation (i.e. with her nose up another dog’s bottom) in the field by the river.

Hang about though, I’ve just thought of another, more easily achievable way of not missing out at table: dinner parties with a round table. Then we will all be shouting across at each other! No tops or bottoms involved! In or out of the pudding.





38 comments:

  1. I LOVE your invention of the perfect ice breaker - nothing like some life-threatening cuisine to loosen everybody up.
    You're a funny lady, Friko. It's very clear to me why you were on the guest list.

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  2. Oh, I'm still laughing at this one. You are so talented with words. I can just imagine the round table with everyone shouting and trying to get a word in.
    I never thought about dog's ears...How lucky they are.
    Thanks for the belly laugh,
    Balisha

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  3. ...and out of the chaos you would have a good time. Now rabbits ear move individually so sometimes one ear points forward and the other one back.

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  4. Love it. And would welcome you to any dinner party - and probably not poison you either.
    I would love dogs ears, but could do without their sense of smell. There are some things I am happy to miss. Which is making me rethink my longing for their ears.

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  5. I'm laughing so hard I'm, well, I'm snorting (which is one of the reasons why we are not often invited to such diner parties). What fun. I would enjoy being seated at any table with you, Friko.

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  6. What a superb picture you conjure up!
    And now I am imagining dinner party guests equipped with animal ears...dog, rabbit, donkey....all swivelling like billy-o as they try to pick up the most interesting conversation....

    I was once at a grand(ish) dinner where a lady abundantly endowed in the bosom department leant forward to join in a conversation on the other side of the table and demolished a dish of iles flottantes...

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  7. ha. oh i can keep several conversations going...like spinning plates...lol...i know what you are saying about wanting to hear them all though...

    at least he was ready with a back up plan on the food eh?

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  8. Oh to be a fly on that wall, Friko

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  9. Oh dogs' ears, or horses' ears too, they swivel to catch multiple conversations. Good idea.

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  10. Friko, my hearing is so bad that I have adopted a social attitude I like to call Alert Silence. Afterward, my wife tells me of appalling things people have thought I agreed with. Happily, if there was sufficient libation, no one remembers.

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  11. Dogs ears - yes, order me a pair too, please.
    I like an oval table, but own a rectangular one. I always find dinner parties at oval tables to be a lot more fun than those at square of rectangular tables. Of course, much depends upon the food and drink - conversation doesn't blossom without lots of both.

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  12. Oh, I'm laughing at the mental pictures conjured by your dinner party description. It sounds like such a brilliant evening! A bit of drama, sparkling conversation and people who know how to behave. And I'm envisioning a variety of dog's ears pointing this way and that all along the table.

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  13. This is just another proof of the fact that the people make the party, not the food. Although I must say if I had been the host, I'd have been mightily embarrassed about forgetting about my guests' allergies. How did people do that in former times, I wonder? Somehow there never seemed to be any allergies around, everybody simply ate everything.
    Like you, I always try to catch the other conversations, too, which seems a bit unfair to the person talking to me at the moment; they probably find me impolite for that distracted look or half-mumbled comments.

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  14. You too? I think many fellow bloggers keep their blogs secret from people of choice!
    A round table - of course now that would solve any problems. Just be rowdy and go for it :)

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  15. Oh Friko, you made me chuckle in my office this morning reading this! Never a dull moment. I wish I could have been there!

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  16. With people having so many diet restrictions today, it is really difficult to have dinner parties. Kudos to the host for quickly getting you a delicious substitute.

    With such an interesting group around the table, I can understand you wanting to hear all the conversations. What a wonderful evening that must have been.

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  17. I don't have a round table but I love them for exactly why you said! This is one of THE best blog posts about parties I ever read -- you are right -- with scintillating, intriguing guests and good wine, you can forgive a food faux pas, so long as you find it before they call the EMT squad! I get very frustrated when I'm in one conversation and really want to be in on the one two or three people down -- even if I like the one I'm in. I'd say these are terrific friends -- definitely return! (I don't have a secret blog -- which is one reason why I don't write about some of the people who seriously annoy me!)

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  18. Yes, I have noticed that about Jack too, with the ears - you hit the nail right on the head there, eh :)
    I truly hate two or three conversations going on at the same time, for I do not want to appear rude to whom I am speaking, but have ??kinda heard?? another conversation that I would like to comment on or be a part of - sometimes it is just hard to want to break away from this conversation and join the other. Honey, you were invited because of YOU, just YOU - you are a delight to hear from in posts, I love your sense of humour and how you put a post together - Party would not have been the same had you not contributed.....but do put me on the list for "Dog Ears". he,he

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  19. I don't like and don't attend dinner parties, although I attend 'teas' with friends. Your rendition of this gathering is entertaining. Still not enough to tempt me. I prefer the company of dogs. In fact David often says, I miss the dogs, if we are away from them for very long.

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  20. I'm trying to picture all of you at a big enough table, with so many dishes affecting so many people. ..
    I try to tell people what I intend to cook for them and ask about special needs. ..tough though for all concerned.

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  21. I don't think I know anyone besides you that's been to an actual real live dinner party, with rules and etiquette and everything. I would be so hopelessly lost… I still have a difficult time reminding myself to keep my elbows off of the table when I actually find myself at a real dinner table. (It's been months, at least…) I suppose that kind of culture is so far beyond me as to feel fictitious, and it truly did feel as though I was reading a charming novel for a bit there. I have "tea parties" with my friends sometimes (because tea is not a common thing in the States, apparently; everyone jets off for "coffee dates", but I can't jet off and I like tea better anyway!), but it's really just a few of us sitting around on my couches with pretty teacups and our feet up on the coffee table. (See? There it is again-- COFFEE table! Why not a tea table? I sense discrimination.)

    I would never survive in polite society. I suppose that's what I get for being raised under the poverty line; you don't get to learn fancy things like that.

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  22. I didn't know about those dinner party rules re: chatting. I went to a fancy dinner party once. I probably made a fool of myself. I was seated next to the host. He was quite condescending, and I made a rather rude comment. Someone else who was in attendance told X the next day that he and his wife thought that what I said was the funniest thing they'd ever heard. I guess they didn't get out much.

    Love,
    Janie

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  23. Thanks for my chuckle on this Thursday! You have definitely brought out all the conversation challenges and food challenges of a dinner invite. The round table does help somewhat. My hubby also has a hearing impairment, and even with his hearing aids, too much noise blocks out any understanding from a conversation. So he tends to talk to the person on his right or left. I do like to keep a dinner party to 6 or 8 individuals. Social invitations can definitely be a challenge, but I'm with you on a lively time!

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  24. Oh gosh..well, I guess putting everyone in anaphalactic shock is indeed an ice breaker! My cat also has radar ears!

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  25. So beautifully and wittily observed. I can feel your frustration at missing all the other conversations, however interesting your own. I think nowadays I need dog's ears just to hear the people right nxt to me, let alone those across the table. :(

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  26. Too long working with pre-schoolers has given me my very own Dog Ears , a mixed blessing I think you'd find

    I haven't had Coronation Chicken for years and am glad it's being served again ... pity you had to skip it , Though a well made omelette definitely appeals , too .

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  27. Does it seem to get harder and harder to offer something everyone can eat, or is that just my impression? But let the wine flow (for those who can drink it!) and along with it the conversation!

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  28. I didn't know people had dinner parties anymore. I think I'm too backwoods. With all the gluten free, lactose intolerant, allergic people, it would be impossible to cook. Since I'm more of a listener than a talker, I just swivel my head around to catch the interesting bits.

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  29. A real live dinner party was held? I can't imagine it. Those things never happen here. It would be such great fun to attend one with you and the others. I'm like you. I always want to hear the other conversations, and those conversations always seem so much more interesting than the ones I feel I'm having. Dog ears would help? That would be great to have. Would it then be rude to abandon those conversations that bore us and speak with those way down at the other end of the table?

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  30. Friko, when I read the title of this post and began reading about your invitation to a dinner party, I wondered if you'd been served some scary nouveau dish involving Dogs Ears, or perhaps some delicate pastry shaped like some dog's ears. I jumped to a conclusion well before getting to the heart of your tale.

    How you've made me laugh with your description of what actually did go on, before and during dinner. Your host is very wise to include you around his table.

    Concurrent conversations in fairly close company can cause confusion. I find this happening lots of times at my workplace, where multiple conversations about very differing topics sometimes seem to reach the realm of cacophony. My ears generally rebel and cease reception.

    Wonder how dogs' minds do handle multiple sounds?

    xo

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  31. I have great sympathy for those with food allergies. Mine happens to be mango. I used to be allergic to carrots and canteloupe, too, but that's disappeared, for reasons I'm really not even curious about.. But I'm convinced one reason for the demise of dinner parties around here isn't food allergies, but food preferences. By the time the vegans, the no-glutens, the protein-onlys, the no-sugars and the fish-only-please crowds have been accomodated, there's nothing left to serve.

    It's a shame, really, because the kind of party you describe is one of the best. My hearing's my most acute sense these days, so I can eavesdrop from two tables away. The great benefit is that restaurant dining provides some of the joys of overhearing conversations at table.

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  32. OMGoodness! How posh! What a select group you belong to. Really does sound like it was a good time..especially when you got your own omelet. ;) What a bunch of interesting occupations...and conversations, I'm sure.

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  33. A good story well told. Your description reminded me of my evenings with the women with whom I was on vacation. I would also like dog ears. Not so much for keeping up with dinner party conversations but just to be able to hear better. I'm often asking the grandkids to repeat what they said, they talk so fast.

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  34. You're such a great story-teller and I love your humor! It sounds like a great dinner party and having a pair of dog's ears to catch all the fascinating conversation would have been perfect!

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  35. Ha, ha! Dinner parties with a round table, I'd like to be invited to once...
    Delicious food, vine, cream...Interesting people, clever conversations, dog's ears...

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  36. Hi Friko - I thought you were going to have cooked dog's ears ... just glad that's not what you had in mind, nor your host/ess for that matter ... and oh gosh wouldn't dog ears be a great addition to the human body ... and as for intuition - we wouldn't need it, our ears would catch things for us ...

    Sounds like the company was entertaining .. the omelette sounds tempting now as it's coming up to supper time ... but entertaining as always ... and yes you'd love Glasgow!

    Cheers Hilary

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  37. Somehow this makes me think of when my brothers were toddles and they'd like on either side of me and talk a blue streak. Hard to keep up with both conversations at once!

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  38. This post gave me a really good laugh - and the wish for a decent dinner party. What fun and joy! And probably in the pudding, as I know myself.

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