Tuesday 8 April 2014

Gratitude Attitude

Quite a number of grannies are complaining about grandchildren’s lack of manners when it comes to saying thank you for gifts of money. I saw the second or third such article in a magazine recently, with an agony aunt giving advice on how to deal with the problem. Ideas both the grannies and the agony aunt came up with ranged from ‘tell the parents’, ‘write and ask for confirmation of receipt’, ‘pretend to be worried that the money got lost’,  to ‘include a return envelope, stamped and addressed’. The advice didn’t actually say anything about just picking up the phone and asking outright. All the grannies seemed embarrassed, as if the bad manners were theirs and not the grandchildren’s.

I don’t understand why a plain ‘thank you’ should have gone out of fashion, but if it has, then there isn’t much the giver can do. We can teach our children to be courteous and well behaved but they will, at some stage, follow their own rules. Once grandchildren have reached teenage and beyond, they are removed further still from our personal sphere of influence.

Poor Grannies!

My advice would be : after a suitable interval ask outright if they were glad to receive the gift. They’ll probably say ‘Yes, Thanks’. That should do to remind them next time. If they ‘forget’ again, grumble at the parents. If that doesn’t help when the next birthday or Christmas present is due, you might as well make up your mind to go without expressed appreciation. You can always tell yourself that they are really very busy but probably love you anyway. And that there is more happiness to be had from giving than receiving.  You can also tell your friends, or anyone who will listen, and start sentences with “In my young days . . . .”

On the other hand, if it’s happened too often and it really bothers you, keep the cash and treat yourself instead. That’ll teach ‘em.





42 comments:

  1. My husband says the same thing as you. I always make excuses for the kids, but he is to the point. He'll ask, "Did you get the present? Well, we didn't know... not hearing a word from you." There are a couple of them (not kids anymore) who do this often. He always threatens not to give them anything, but hasn't gone that far yet.
    I just don't get it....after being taught manners, why do they forget them as they grow older?

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  2. Must say I agree with you completely. Send a card - period.


    ALOHA from Honolulu
    ComfortSpiral

    =^..^= <3



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  3. Your last sentence is absolutely correct. However, most of us grannies will not do that.

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  4. Not just Grannies, but also Aunties, get this silent treatment, no matter how well the person has been taught. It is hard to understand--so easy to send an e-mail in thanks. But it often doesn't happen. I don't even know if it's got to do with manners always. Sometimes it's shyness, particularly if the relationship is attenuated by distance.

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  5. As an experienced aunt and great-aunt, and now an amateur grandmother to my husband's kids, I don't expect a thank you unless I deliver the gift in person. Thank you cards are a thing of the past, and for some reason the younger generation(s) don't think oldies use e-mail. I have given up on one of my nieces, and no longer send her gift cards because she doesn't use them, so I've just been throwing money away, for years.
    For the youngsters, I have established education savings plans, so they will either thank me some day, or not go to university at all, in which case I'll have thrown that money away, too.
    They say it's the thought that counts, and, as you mentioned, better to give than to receive, but I had to retire early because of my health, so I've been a pensioner for a long time, and it's hard-won money to be throwing away. Maybe some day I'll learn.
    Meanwhile, I hope you are well. We've been back from our trip to Iceland (an amazing place) for a few days now, and I'm trying to catch up on sleep and housework at the same time.
    I hope you are well.
    Luv, K

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  6. My nephew never acknowledged the pounds or euros sent for Christmases and Birthdays. I know that my sister didn't want him to have to make such an effort. After years of being the most punctual and pre-planned shipper of trans-atlantic moola, I waited a month, then sent a card with money and my email address asking for an update on his life. He's a smart kid! The penny, literally dropped. I received a nice chatty thankyou email.

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  7. A cousin paid for a young man in the family to go on a school ski trip which his parents could not afford.
    Not a postcard while he was there, not a word of appreciation....though his parents expressed their gratitude for her generosity.
    He has grown up to be a complete egoist....or perhaps he always was.

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  8. write first telling them you would like to send a monetary gift. All they have to do to receive it is send you back a nice thank you card and a self addressed envelope.

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  9. I like the last sentence as well.

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  10. When I give my grandkids money, it's usually face to face and they say thank you. My brother sent them money from out of state and eventually asked me if they got it. I'm pretty sure he already knew that since his check was cashed. Children need prodding by parents. As adults, I think they will figure it out.

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  11. I stopped sending my grown niece gifts and money after years of radio silence and never a "Thank You" or an attempt to keep in touch. I always remember her on her birthday and at Christmas, but with a nice card and note -- also never acknowledged. She lives several thousand miles away and we have never been close, to my regret. I have a younger niece and nephew who live in Thailand and are 4 and nearly 2. During a recent visit with them, I was shocked when my little niece not only didn't express thanks for a gift from a family friend, but was horribly rude. The friend had brought her a pink tutu and tights. Maggie threw it on the floor and said "I HATE it! Pink isn't my favorite color anymore! Now I like purple! Take this back to the store and get this in purple!" I was mortified. My brother quickly apologized to the friend and said, in a whispered aside, "We'll just keep it. By next week, pink may be her favorite color again!" I was totally shocked. I don't think that she is too young to be learning manners and gratitude and am appalled that such behavior is tolerated. My brother asked me if I thought he was too permissive and I said "Yes!" It's so easy to be an expert when you're childless. But still.... These little ones are not pleasant to be around and that makes me both sad and angry.

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  12. The old fashioned act of gratitude is missing from many fronts I fear. I observe my daughter and granddaughter slaving over thank you notes sometimes and I am so proud. Children learn by observation, never by direction.
    XO
    WWW

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  13. ha. wonder if that is why my grannie....
    smiles.
    we have let it become this...i think it is good to have generations raise children
    there is much we need to learn of each other...

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  14. My grandchildren are still babies and toddlers, so I’ll have to wait and see what they do when they grow up .. but their father is from a culture that is very appreciative and respectful of elders and of manners, so who knows …. However, I find that manners have been forgotten also by grown-ups, not just kids, unfortunately.

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  15. When I received a gift from a relative who lived out of state, my mom trained me to write a thank you card, and I did the same for my children. If the children don't say thanks I think their parents need to guide them to do that. We can't really blame the little ones, but the parents should know better and lead them to express thanks.

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  16. When my sister and I were still living at home, we saw our maternal grandparents on birthdays and Christmas and so always expressed our gratitude for their gifts face to face. With our paternal grandfather, we were not so close, but he always sent my mother money to buy us something from him, and usually rang on our birthdays. We then told him what Mum had bought for us with his money and said thank you. He did not ring on Christmas, so we wrote letters after that to say thank you and tell him what gift my Mum had chosen for us.
    My oldest niece in England has started university in September 2012 and moved out of the student hall into a shared house with a group of girls. I sent her a "Fresspaket" after her move, and she was very happy about it - but said thank you only after I asked by email whether the package ever got there (we had a parcel from England disappear once before). I doubt she would have written to me if I had not asked.
    Usually, I just send her a card these days, but when I am in Yorkshire for the summer and she is home from uni, we go on day trips together and café bills etc. are my treat, something she always says thank you for.

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  17. I feel that children have the manners that they have been taught. The one time one of my grandchildren didn't say thank you I spoke to her father, reminding him that it is a parent's responsibility to teach good manners. It's never happened again, I'm pretty sure he told his sisters that mum had "gone off" about it. Only one of my grandchildren is an adult and his manners are perfect, I hope the others follow his example.

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  18. Hello:

    How blessed we are not to have grandchildren!!!

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  19. Ah - manners of all sorts are becoming a rare thing.
    Much agree with your last sentence!
    Anna :o]

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  20. In a perfect world the grands would send a thank you note. My grandchildren are still quite young and half the time I can't read their made up spelling. Sometimes my daughter will FaceTime me when I've mailed a package to the grandchildren so I can watch them open it. That's really the most enjoyable. I get to see their delight in opening a surprise package...and here them say "Nana, how did you know it was just what I wanted!"

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  21. Hi Friko - if I had kids - they'd have to write ... as I still do. But one youngster writes always ... yet I feel the love of the other, who doesn't ... strange isn't it ... both kids in that family I feel more attached to ..

    I don't really know what to do .. giving is easy ... receiving is more difficult ...

    Enjoy Spring .. cheers Hilary

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  22. I find many parents today do not talk to their children - they yell or buy them off
    In our house, growing up, you worked at an early age, went to school, college, worked - it seemed you worked for what you wanted. No one in my family would behave like many of the kids today.

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  23. It's not just you. It's like pulling teeth to get kids to say thank you around here as well. As for my own kids? I'll give them a B-. They often say thank you, or send a thank you email, but they get far from a perfect score.

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  24. I get very frustrated with people who don't write thank you notes or at least call (or worse, but still OK -- email) -- just say SOMETHING! And it's especially frustrating with kids because that's a skill they need to learn for life. The thing that's sad is that it doesn't have to be long, it doesn't have to be on fine paper, it doesn't even have to be done within 24 hours like Princess Diana was noted for. It just needs to be done. Good for you -- this is a great post and I hope it gets lots of attention!

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  25. I have fallen guilty of this very thing. Honestly, it has to do with being swamped … and distance I suppose. I have not excuse other than that - I often just can't find a stamp and then it sits there for so long… ugh. A telephone call is what I do - and I tell the kids to call or send a FB message or email. It is sad as a thank you note is very nice …

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  26. Dear Friko, I've watched the two young boys grow up to be 11 and 14. They are the sons of a friend I've had since she was three and I was thirty. I'm always appreciative of her training her children to respond with a thank-you card when I send them gift cards and cookies. The idea of saying thank-you seems to be gone with the wind mostly though. Peace.

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  27. Some of my grandchildren are very appreciative of gifts, others not so much. As they arrive at 21, I mostly stop sending gifts, usually money. Good advice at the end of your post.

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  28. I can't worry about that. Sometimes my niece might forget to say think you, but she is loving and always happy to see me. That's good enough.

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  29. Part of it at least is down to early training by the parents. Our daughter has rigorously trained (and I use this word advisedly) her s two sons to write thank-you letters for presents received. Nowadays, as early teenagers,they do it by email, but always in a newsy way which has obviously taken time and effort. Our son on the other hand has never taught his rather younger son to do the same and so we never get a thank-you note from him , though he does say a proper thank-you if we give him something in person.

    I would certainly be inclined to keep the cash if I never got any kind of acknowledgement, even face to face.

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  30. I'm not a grannie, but the mother of a teenager. I find many teenagers very polite, and many of them rude. Same with their parents. The amount of rudeness in this country is appalling, and if the adults don't have manners where and how should the children learn it?

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  31. I think a thank you would be great. I seldom get one. Sigh...

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  32. I always get thank you's from my daughter's children, but I was surprised recently to get a thank you from my son's son when I sent money for his birthday. Something is going RIGHT in that family now and I couldn't be happier.

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  33. A letter or card is always nice , of course , but a 'phone call or email is perfectly fine , too ..
    After all , what Granny could fail to be happy with " It was awesome ! " .

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  34. -chuckle- your last sentence took the words right out of my mouth.

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  35. I remember as a child having to write letters of thanks and it's not until now that I realise just how welcome they are. Several of my friends have children who regularly write to say thank you although there are a few culprits who don't bother,
    I was discussing this very subject recently and decided that after a couple of times of not hearing anything my next gift would be a small pack of thank you cards and envelopes. If they still don't get the hint then I'd stop sending them anything!

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  36. It's so true Friko. We were always taught to write a thank you note and to give a little gift to any relatives who had us to stay. I think the best approach is to start a conversation about how we feel if a gift isn't acknowledged.

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  37. You shared many of my thoughts.
    My children taught good manners and still practice.
    Some grandchildren do
    and some do not.
    As a present this year to some
    I gave stationary with their name on it,
    stamps and still no note.
    Everyone is so busy
    and it troubles me...

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  38. In this world of email, texting, IM, etc., is it possible for the grandma to text the gr-kids? Text their parents? If they ingrates still don't respond, text them again, telling them the gift-flow has ended. I don't know. It is a common rude practice.

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  39. Hallo Friko,
    ich hoffe, dass wir unsere eigenen Kinder dahin erzogen haben, auch "Danke" zu sagen. Ist mir zumindest fast nicht bei ihnen aufgefallen. Unsere Eltern sind dabei durchaus nachtragend.

    Gruß Dieter

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  40. Hi Friko,
    I completely go along with your final suggestion, keep the cash!
    I have never understood the give to receive mentality. If you give expect nothing in return, then you won't be disappointed by your own expectations. Manners, what are those these days?
    Di
    X

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  41. Regarding you recent comment on my blog, I think it is wisdom! Who needs the aggravation.

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  42. I'm with you! If they continually neglect to show any gratitude even after inquiries--try not sending anything at all. ;) It's either that or just send and forget about it.

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