Tuesday 21 January 2014

Something To Look Forward To

“I didn’t know they make them for men. I thought only women had them.”

Bernard came for a visit. Unannounced, just on the spur of the moment. We invited him in, sat him down at the kitchen table and gave him a cup of tea. The first thing I noticed was that he’d lost weight.

“You said I could pop in any time I was passing, so I took you at your word. I’m just on my way to Costcutter for a few things for lunch."

It’s true, it’s what I said. And meant.

When we first met him, sixteen years ago, Bernard was upright, entertaining, a pillar of the community, the Church and the Conservative Party. An ex-soldier, and something to do with the Ministry of Defence afterwards, he had literally travelled the world. I don’t think there was a continent on which he had not left his footprint. He was full of stories of his travels, all of them amusing; and most of all, he was full of himself,  but in an easy, relaxed, way. He and I got on very well; when his stories became too expansive and unending, I pulled his leg. He seemed to like that, possibly felt flattered.

Now, at 92, Bernard is no longer the man he was.

“One’s social life dries up with age, you know. We find entertaining rather difficult now and we hardly ever go to anyone.”

Bernard’s wife Annabel is an invalid; the two of them have help in house and garden, but he is her main carer and does all the cooking and general looking-after. He cannot understand why former friends and acquaintances appear to have dropped them.

“Annabel is fine in the afternoon”, he said, sounding genuinely puzzled and a little sad.

Many of their friends and acquaintances have died and those who are still around, are old themselves. There are a few younger, more recent acquaintances, like Beloved and me, with whom he and Annabel socialised into their eighties. I feel guilty for not having had them to tea or lunch in recent months. My feeble excuse is that they are a very difficult couple to slot into any social occasion.

Bernard sat and chatted. His need to talk about himself has not abated, but instead of travelling yarns he now talks about his children and grandchildren. And his and Annabel’s health problems. The sort of thing lots of old people talk about. Ambulances and doctors’ surgeries and medication feature prominently.

"Of course”, he said, “the old waterworks don’t function all that well anymore either. I’ve started to leak. They’ve given me incontinence pants to wear.” He grinned at me.  “Yes, they’ve engineered them for men to wear. Who’d have known?”



55 comments:

  1. i guess we all get there at some point in life you know...it is endearing that his focus is on the children now...hard to see all the friends pass on...leaving you behind...

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  2. Very difficult for everyone. I remember my father saying it was very lonely being as old as he was as his school-friends and most relatives of his generation were all dead. Invitations anywhere would please him no end. I think it behooves us all to make friends of younger generations as we age. I know I have.

    XO
    WWW

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  3. I had to wear those darn things with my last surgery…awful what cutting you open does to everything. We keep our old friends, but they keep dying or moving into retirement homes. Really upsets David more than me. I have mostly been a loner all my life and had fewer friends. I think Extroverts suffer more with old age. Dianne

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  4. you are a good soul
    Poor fella, I see this with my mom's friends too
    they are either sick, frail or dead
    not good company
    I have always been one to have older friends,
    hmmm Wisewebwoman may have a point here....I shall seek out the younger
    tomorrow
    too bad he doesn't blog....he'd have lots of company

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  5. It is sad, and worrying, how isolated elderly people so often are. At least he has his wife to keep him company - that is always a big bonus.

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  6. Oh yes, this could have been anyone's story! I love how you paced this piece...

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  7. I think it's absolutely wonderful that he knows he always has a place at your table :) it probably does him a world of good to be able to talk like that.

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  8. I hope you invite him over to tea soon, he would love the invite, I am sure. It sounds like his wife can't attend outside the home, that must be lonely. Someone needs to visit her, perhaps church ladies could be told. Our church ladies tend to rally round the homebound. Oh the sad story of his water works!

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  9. Nice for us, too, to be considered anyone's "younger" friends. I attended a high school reunion last year, and it seems so many are gone out of our very small graduating class.
    My husband still insists on working, and refereeing basketball and football, so he is out and about a great deal. I'm hardly a shut-in, but I don't go out very often in the winter. I'm flying out to the west coast in a couple of days, to see a young member of the family who is seriously ill, so that will make up for a great many days in the house.
    I do hope your garrulous friend stops by for tea again, if he is able to leave his wife. It must be so good for him to get out to talk to people.
    Luv, K

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  10. We spend the better part of our lives making friends and growing relationships, and the last part losing them. If you never loved, you never lose, but what a pity that must be. It is good that Bernard can come over and have a cup of tea with you and spend some time with a friend who will listen.

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  11. aandacht voor elkaar is heel belangrijk.

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  12. Tempus fugit and with it our youth and energy but voices don't seem to age so much. My other's voice at 97 was as strong and firm as ever it had been.

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  13. I know my mum is starting to lose friends quite fast and it's a slap in the face every time it happens - a reminder that it comes to us all!

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  14. This was the way it was with my folks. Mom had alzheimer's and Dad was the care giver. He was so lonely after Mom died. After my first husband died I visited my Dad and told him that I was marrying again. His eyes filled with tears as he said, "I'm so happy for you. I would never want you to be lonely like I've been."
    This poor man needs company and I'm so glad that you are there for him.How many people are lonely in this world and we never know it? I try to visit the elderly in our Church. It really brightens their day to have a visit from a young person of 76.
    Balisha
    Balisha

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  15. That's sad, but it's good they are still together.

    Love,
    Janie

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  16. What a special visit for you
    and your friend
    and he is still not alone.
    I know at this time I am the last one in my family
    and in my late 70's - guess that is why I call myself
    the matriarch :)
    Near me so many passing away
    and they are what I call young
    in their 70's.
    My mother was 82 when she passed away
    and the oldest family member was 92.
    It is so important for us to reach out to one
    another in later years.


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  17. We were 'younger friends' of older people in France....they were all sociable to the last and it was one of the pleasures of life to be able to knock on so many doors when coming back from shopping and meet with a welcome...and to have them drop in on us in turn, sometimes driven over by family.
    I valued that contact....especially when my husband was too ill to leave the house for months at a time and someone would always make the time to come over, to chat with him and make him laugh.

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  18. I think I DID know that -- Seems I remember my dad having to deal with those -- although I'm not sure he brought it up in conversation with those he hadn't seen in a long while! I remember someone once told me "Make sure you have younger friends." It makes a good deal of sense when you reach a certain age. I hope he can find a way to bring back some of the old Bernard with what I'm sure matters to him now -- the new. I'm glad you were there when he came to call -- he clearly needs someone to be with; I suspect his wife isn't the company she once was. I know that must have meant a good deal.

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  19. Friko, I'm not looking forward to getting to this point in my own life. I think I mentioned to you before that my son says time over 70 is "bonus." I'm heading to that milestone this spring. As long as it's a bonus, I'll take it. When it starts being a drag, I hope I can quietly slip out the door. However, I know it doesn't always happen that way! Hope you're feeling well enough now to resume your walks.

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  20. Thanks for bringing my attention back to these facts...........I had forgotten them for a few moments.

    You make it worthwhile with your heart-istry.

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  21. If I make it to 92 (doubtful) I hope I am with it enough to converse with other actual living people and not just the stuff in my head.

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  22. What a difficult position he is in. I, too, like that he now talks (mostly) about the children and the grandchildren. With luck, they are a source of comfort and relief for him, too. You are a good friend.

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  23. A beautifully written post but such a sad situation. I shall take this as a timely reminder to look out for the future. Thank goodness he has friends such as you:)

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  24. That downhill slope comes too soon. If only there were a way to tap into all that he wants to say. Having a friend ask about him is a gift to him.

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  25. today i had a lovely chat with some people i just met and the conversation touched on a mutual acquaintance.

    "of course, it's been a long time since i've seen her." i said. "she's nearly fifty years old now."
    "she is NOT that old!" they said.
    "oh, yes she is. i'm turning fifty this year and she was only a year behind me in school"
    "you must be right, then" the woman said. "but i'm still only 38".

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  26. "Annabel is fine in the afternoon" says it all, in a way.

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  27. Ha! They do make them for men. They are a cup that goes over...anyway...

    I looked after a lady last year that would get very angry that her daughter never came to visit. She was 96 and her daughter was 76. The daughter had her own set of health problems and didn't drive anymore. The mother did not understand this at all and didn't understand why her daughter did not take her to her appointments and shopping anymore.

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  28. Well - men need them too! He sounds like a grand old character.

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  29. I'm not surprised that your old friend likes to come by - I'm sure you make him feel like himself again....that version of himself that moved easily around the world and around town and wasn't so weighted down by the indignities of aging and the loneliness of caring for his invalid wife. Your kitchen table, or your solarium and your company must feel like a rare treat.

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  30. All I want to say is Thank You Friko for highlighting this 'problem'. More and more older people in society down here are being encouraged to move into retirement villages and homes to overcome this loneliness before it even happens. There are social workers to keep a check on residents etc.
    That's all well and good for the ones who have the money and those who want to be around their own peer group all the time but there are those who want to live out in the community yet become strangers to their own age group.
    Do keep up with all the hard work you are putting into your community - I'm sure you are well thought of
    Take care
    Cathy

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  31. So nice for your old friend to drop in, but sad that he feels more alone now, at a time when more friends would be welcome.
    I'm not looking forward to the incontinence pants stage, but I'm glad they've been invented.

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  32. Courage is useful at any age, but absolutely essential as we become older and older with each passing year. Your portrait of the elderly couple reminds me of a line for Archibald MacLeish's poem, "The Old Gray Couple." "Our's is the late, last wisdom of the afternoon. We know that love, like light, grows dearer toward the dark."

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  33. I'm lucky I enjoy my own company (well, and Karma's, too) and am okay with letters and emails to keep in touch with people or I would have gone crazy these last nine years--LOL! ;)

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  34. He really needs the time and space to talk about what has been happening to him. He is lucky you invited him to drop in - and meant it.
    Blessings from Dalamory
    www.freda.org.uk

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  35. Oh dear, this is so scary! 92! I dread the thought of getting helpless, invalid, demented, lonely, sick and REALLY old and frail! Getting tired of life, losing it, losing myself, yes that is so scary! Can this be avoided? There is nothing to be done? I guess not. Can we prepare ourselves for it? Probably not, or? Head up, optimism, good attitude, not stopping to get joy out of the smallest things, smiles, kisses and hugs, if ever possible - will that help? I want to believe it will.

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  36. It's a wicked pissah, no question. But I'm going through this now, friends moved away, heads down in rearing their children, busy schedules. So, I have this circle of word-friends, and know we are all blessed. Just as our grandparents who wrote letters.

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  37. Rather a conversation stopper !
    I think short , gloomy winter days do leave us all cut off a bit . Luckily it'll be Spring soon and we'll all be out and about more .

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  38. I'm glad he finds a friend in you.

    =)

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  39. This is why it makes sense to have friends in a range of ages.

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  40. I'm with Secret Agent Woman--friends of all ages allows for more versatility and, well, buffer. My mom's married to a 90-year-old, and he's having more and more problems while she just wants to go to the gym and work out with her trainer. When she's not at the gym, or book group, or Newcomer's Club, she's home with him. Despite her activities, she doesn't really have friends, and so the two of them are feeling that lack. If only they had some youngers in their lives, they'd be feeling less alone.

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  41. Oh dear, oh dear... but at least he's not stuck in some old folks home. And it sounds as if his sense of humor is still intact.

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  42. Oh my, how poignantly sad, but sweet. Friko I don't doubt that you will endeavour to and very successfully slot them in somehow to a social occasion such as tea.
    My two best girlfriends and I, were only last evening having a deep and meaningful about our own ageing and its potential consequences down the track.

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  43. I'm impressed he can still get himself to the shops, let alone anything else, maybe he would prefer one to ones, rather than gatherings. The good thing is he feels he can pop in for a cup of tea and a quick chat, that's a kind of freedom some older people would love to have.

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  44. It is amazing that he can do all that he does at the age of 92. Not many men reach that age, let alone are able then to look after their partner, do the cooking and so on.

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  45. At least he's still up and about. I've found with really old folks that all you have to do is prompt them to retell a tale from the past and off they go. Takes the conversation off of underwear you know.

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  46. Dear Friko, with just a few, well-chosen words and details you've captured Bernard. Thank you for introducing us to him. HIs story reminds me--forcefully--that getting older . . . and older . . . can bring with it loneliness. It's so important I think to try to stay in touch with friends, even if only by phone. Peace.

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  47. I loved your story. Well, I know it was really Bernard's story, but you told it so well. You surprised with the ending. In America, we call telling such as thing as Bernard told you TMI (Too Much Information). Do you have that saying? Or, as my daughter would say, "Mom, turn on the filters when you are speaking."

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  48. Organ recitals, my Mama used to call them, those rambling stories about one's malfunctioning body parts. When you're old it seems that's what's uppermost on your mind. I'm hoping I remember not to play that tune for people when I reach the doddering stage. You tell a story so well it's hard to be offended by an old man's leaky waterworks.

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  49. We all are getting older, Friko . What to do?The old man told you about his life, whom may he speak to more?

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  50. Oh boy! Friko .. I so relate ... having had the experience of my uncle ... it is just around the corner .. though I hope the corner is paved with gold before I turn it! I'm pleased he had the temerity to call in .. he obviously needed some solace -and you obviously needed a blog post .. after your last brain compost ... well Bernard certainly supplied that! Cheers and that was good for a good giggle ... Hilary

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  51. we leave this world pretty much the way we entered it...helpless. I'm trying to be accepting of it. my dad went out quick though and unanticipated. not sure which is worse.

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  52. You make him so real Friko, in the way you tell the story. I'm reminded of the way you wrote the stories of your gardener. You have a talent for this. I found this post very poignant.

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  53. This is an interesting post. I'm advancing in age and know I can't stop it. I just don't know what I'll be like...

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