Monday 18 November 2013

Let’s Stop Minding Our Own Business

when it comes to suspected child abuse.

Another week, another horror story about a child somewhere, in a perfectly ordinary street, in a house just down the road or in the next village, the next town, being ill treated, beaten, starved to death. We hear of it when the child is found dead, when dramatic headlines make us shudder, when the parents or childminders end up in court, justifying their miserable existence. And we stare at the angelic faces of toddlers smiling at us from the TV screen and ask ourselves how it is possible that somebody has slammed their fist into that innocent face.

How is it possible that nobody noticed before it was too late? I am not talking about professionals, the child protection services, police, social workers et al. Each time it happens they trot out the same excuses and explanations: too many cases, pressure of work, lack of funding, manipulative and sly parents pulling the wool over their eyes, lack of co-ordinated working methods, working under impossible conditions.

Be that as it may, we have to accept that the professionals do their best, although their best is often just not good enough. And always, after each new inquiry into another catastrophe: “LESSONS MUST BE LEARNED” is the mantra everyone is agreed upon.

What I want to know is: where are the neighbours, the Nosy Parker women down the road? the curtain twitchers? the women who used to make it their business to know what goes on in the block of flats? the terraced road? Everybody's  auntie Ada, who knew the name of every kid, always had a nosy question, a dusty sweet, or a quick clip round the earhole if you’d done something naughty or dangerous. You ran from her mad cackle, but you also ran to her if you were in trouble.

Where is that woman now?

Keeping Herself To Herself, Minding Her Own Business, like all the others of her ilk? 

I want them back, one in every street, in  every block of flats. They’d know what goes on behind closed doors. They’d hear the screams of helpless children, they’d see the bruises and thin little bodies.  We’d curse them for busy-bodying, we’d ridicule them for interfering in matters that don’t concern them. Instead, we should praise their vigilance and willingness to help when needed. If they saved just one of these little mites from terror and abuse, I’d gladly put up with them.

Come on, auntie Ada, do your stuff. You know you want to.



47 comments:

  1. I don't think these people get the chance to do their stuff these days. I don't know what they DO do. Perhaps they are sad and lonely, inside blocks of flats in neighbourhoods where nobody wants to know. Or terrified of the gangs of kids on the estate, instead of being interested in them. Sounds a bit depressing, but I fear it is more true than it was.

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  2. Another ramification of our encapsulated world.

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  3. i agree...it is very sad...and i have such a hard time believing no one knew...but then again we do isolate ourselves and dont have the connections we once had with our neighbors...and you never know now what goes on behind closed doors...

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  4. Indeed! Too many of us-yes we think we do our part but we have all become strangers to our neighbors and friends- live a life behind walls. Even with laws that protect the whistle blowers out there, we are afraid to become involved, to take a stand, to be outspoken about the ills and crimes we see.

    I am so sorry for what we have become.

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  5. When I was a child those women existed. I only knew a few mother's that worked. Mine was one of them. But what I did was reported regularly to her. Now they are all at work and when they are home they are cooking and cleaning and doing homework. Kids don't just show up at someone's house to play. Play dates have to be arranged. And the parks and playgrounds stand empty much of the time. Everyone has isolated themselves. People don't even know the names of their neighbors, much less whose child is whose. Or in my neighborhood if there even are any children at all.

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  6. Child abuse is very common and has been forever. This does not justify it of course. As a sociologist, I read much material (written by members of the middle class) suggesting child abuse is a working class phenomena. But I fear it is not limited to one class. It just takes a different form in other classes, being more mental than physical the higher the class. Unfortunately, I know far too much about this topic than I would like.

    On another note, I was chastised by an angry black woman this week, when I suggested her charge (a normal appearing fellow) should turn off his boom box, which he was playing loudly in the elevator foyer of the hospital. The caretaker then yelled at me and told me I did "not own the hospital." And, as they walked onto the elevator together with a dozen other people (mercifully not me and David) she instructed the youth to turn his radio back on. I wonder if one form of child abuse is coddling children when they should be taught civility?

    Perhaps your post today is about all forms of child neglect?
    Dianne

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  7. Hi Friko - there is way too much that goes on behind closed doors and to which we ignore - it's dreadful - what an excellent post.

    I do hope we wake up and also that we participate somewhat more in our community ... hearing the stories I cannot understand how on earth the poor child/children were never rescued or helped - just dreadful ... especially when we have so many Services, which are meant to take care of them and know what's going on ...

    I won't go on .. but you've raised an excellent post here ... Hilary

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  8. Lisa nailed it. This modern world is not all good. We have lost connecting in person to connecting via the Internet. I'm not say connecting via the Internet is bad. We had already lost connecting in person.

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  9. omzien naar elkaar,dat zijn we verleerd.

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  10. Neighbors need to be neighbors. People from my generation KNEW their neighbors, talked and visited with them. This makes me ashamed of myself and my solitude. This will change. Sadly it takes a tragedy like this. Thank you, Friko.

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  11. Well harrumphed indeed! I heard and briefly met Sir James Galway yesterday! He touched my flute hands! Just HAD to tell you! ♥Aloha

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  12. The Adas used to be recognised by their communities...their word had weight.
    Now, as communities have shattered, they have no role.

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  13. Lisa has said just what I would want to say. The Aunt Adas aren't at home as they used to be, or if they are, they're too busy with their own concerns to notice what goes on outside. Also in our often bullying and litigious society, many people are just too afraid of what the reaction might be to get involved.

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  14. A very important post, Friko! I think we all need to be alert and aware, though I agree with Perpetual that many people are too afraid to get involved these days and become vulnerable to litigious or bullying/abusive/unhinged neighbors. And too many neighbors don't know each other.

    This has made me think back to my own youth -- where I grew up in a highly abusive home where my father would beat us, especially my brother, and threaten our lives very explicitly. We kept the code of silence mostly -- except when my brother's first grade teacher sent for me and asked me directly what was going on at home. She had noticed his behavior becoming more erratic and, when I told her, she checked his body for bruises and needle marks and found them. She then called our mother and told her that she was going to check Mike for marks every day and if she found any more, she would call the police. This was in an era where that just wasn't done. She also asked our mother how on earth she could allow such abuse. Of course, our mother was abused, too. This teacher's intervention did help -- at least for awhile. And she is a friend of ours to this day.

    I recently had an email from my childhood friend, who lived next door to us for years, and, in comparing notes, we realized that we both came from abusive homes and didn't realize it. Her parents were neglectful. My father was an alcoholic who flew into rages and physically and emotionally beat us. My friend and I admitted to each other -- all these years later -- that we had each idealized the other's family and had wished we were part of that other family.

    In summary, to spot abuse can be difficult, but is well worth the effort. Any kind of intervention at all can help. My brother and I are still very grateful for Sister Rita, his first grade teacher, who had the courage to speak up and tell our parents that what was happening at home was not right and that she would intervene to protect us.

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  15. While I think we have lost connections with our neighbors, I also think stress has increased for all both innocent and guiltyl. Child abuse may or may not be increasing, but our inability to sympathize or our lack of interest in others or our compassion fatigue has made us all just a bit guilty.

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  16. I agree with everything you're saying Friko and with all the comments too. If I ever come across a situation like you've mentioned please God help me to be brave enough to do something about it too

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  17. An hour ago I was talking to my granddaughter who was telling me about her 60+ year old neighbor across the street. She told me that she is always peeking behind her curtains at everybody who goes by and knows about everything that is going on in the neighborhood. I thought that was great.

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  18. If you wold like an Aunt Ada on your street or your block, for goodness sake, make the change, get out and meet your neighbours, after you have worked 3 jobs during the day and your young children are wearing keys to the house round their necks. Take some time to be in touch with those families around you and become or find an Aunt Ada - the golden rule of today "DTA" - don't trust anybody has become the norm because of all the missing and abused children. Very Excellent article Friko. There is no respect anymore either.

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  19. I worked in the child services area a long time ago now, and I was stalked and assaulted for 'not minding my own business' - and yes of course, without hesitation, I would do the same over again. Then and now.
    Now in retirement and from my little apartment in the 'burbs, I watch and have my radar to the "on" position.

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  20. I think a lot happened in the 50's and 60's that was noticed and not reported out of a sort of cowardice and people minding their own business. There was a lot of looking the other way and not getting involved. We shouldn't think that it was better back then and that children were safer.

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  21. So very very sad. All too common unfortunately. This is one of the reasons I thought about going into social work - to help those in these situations.

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  22. In my younger years I worked with children from homes where I knew abuse was going on so I called Child Protective Services and the 2 children were removed from the home only to go back again a couple weeks later. The 'powers that be' think that a child will always do best in their own home with family. At that time I went on maternity leave and never found out how their situation turned out. My guess is it did not turn out well.

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  23. You hit the nail on the head here. Sometimes we DO need to be our brother's keeper.

    "/

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  24. Friko, reading your post and the prior comments has shown that many folks still would want to raise a voice or alarm. As you know, I live in a multi-story city apartment building. Sounds do carry across the open airway between the two aisles of apartments on each floor.

    Mostly, our apartments are very quiet. However, years ago I did report a sound of distress from an apartment across the open space. I had no idea which apartment. It was a relief to learn that the distress was from a young lady's spaniel. She liked the look of that pup, but did not have the means, wisdom or affection to give that pup a good upbringing.

    She and the dog moved. I hope that the dog did find a happier setting in its new home, whether it involved the pretty young lady.

    There are so many ways that a neighborhood can aid a neighbor.

    xo

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  25. I just weep (sometimes literally) when I hear of these sad tales. I think of all the families who have no children and long for them and wonder why these abusive parents just don't give their children up. As a teacher, I've seen some sad, sad situations. Confrontation is a tricky thing, sometimes putting the child at further risk. Being aware of what's going on and letting people know that someone is watching is what our communities need more of.

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  26. You touched a sad and devastating subject Friko - better get into trouble, than not to care, yes!

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  27. I agree. Well said. As a teacher, I must report suspected abuse or lose my teaching license. I have reported suspected abuse many times. I will continue to do so if need be. I have seen much abuse in my life as a teacher. It is so, so sad. I always told my students I would report abuse if I suspected it. You would be surprised how many either told me of abuse by speaking to me privately or writing about it in their journals. I guess they felt safe in telling me and knew I would do something. Most times, I was right and the child (mostly teenagers) was protected.

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  28. No!! Not excuses for the poor souls who end up working in 'child protection'. There is underfunding, under resourcing and usually the employment of young social workers just out of school, full of ideals, who get clobbered by the system if not the 'clients'. My stepdaughter who graduated in OZ and whose first real job was in England was one of them. Still and all, Friko, you have a point. Where is the community here? Where are the informal, neighbourly sanctions? - even from those who peer from behind the curtains? and where are the friendships between people and between adults and children? It may be that mum or dad is not coping, or is mentally ill or something. If kids can find 'another family' to visit, even for breakfast or tea, often enough, those families can save lives.

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  29. In the institutions a child comes into contact with: school, nursery, doctor, hospital, church etc....... there are fixed rules, regulations and responsibilities laid down. I wonder sometimes whether that makes us frightened to get involved on a neighbourly basis. We do all need to look out and be ready to take action. Well said, Friko. Blessings from Freda at Dalamory www.freda.org.uk

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  30. Well stated, Friko. Neighbors and teachers are the first line of observation for the little ones. Everyone needs to know this and remember it -- thanks for bringing it to attention to a world of followers.

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  31. Amen - after all, it takes a village to raise a child.

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  32. Well you certainly have hit the nail on the head with this post Friko. So many comments - but these days as many have noted we aren't into being 'nosy' these days and with houses in my area are not being as close as they are in England a lot is unobserved.
    Came by to tell you I took your advice and read one of your authors - Skies by Michael Frayn (see my latest WWW Wednesdays post) thanks for recommending him, will try some more in the new year
    Take care
    Cathy

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  33. I totally agree! I thought of Gladys Kravitz the neighbor on Bewitched. We need more Mrs. Kravitzs' watchdogging their worlds!

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  34. The nosy neighbors were great for noticing strangers hurting kids, but turned a blind eye, generally, on abuse within a family. In some ways I think there has been an improvement because more people are speaking out about that sort of abuse and demanding action (like the Catholic priest/altar boys debacle some years back).

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  35. Hi Friko, this post certainly gives you food for thought and the phrase it takes a village to raise a child comes to mind. I make myself aware of what is going on in our neighborhood but I don't consider myself a curtain twitcher ;) I just don't think you can't be too careful these days. One time my neighbor had some strange men looking around in her garden and I told her about it as soon as I could, apologizing if I seemed to be out of turn. She turned round and smiled, said that she had put her house up for sale, though no sale signs had shown yet, and said don't worry about it, every neighborhood needs at least one nosy parker.. I think I laughed at the time. The kids in our neighborhood had finally driven her out she said, she was a lady whose kids were all grown up and out of her house, and all the families on the street had small children that were 'far too noisy' she said. The last straw was when she realized we had annual Easter Egg hunts for the kids. I believe she moved out to the country after that ;)

    About the question of my link appearing on your blog. I have absolutely no idea why this happens and yes one other person has told me it happens to her. She also lives in England but no other English visitors have mentioned any problems. I don't ever have these links from others on mine, so why you should get them, or anyone else for that matter, is beyond me. Have you checked your settings? Maybe there is a way to stop them there. The only thing I can think of is that your blog is on my blog roll which appears in turn with others and I notice, as with many others, by seeing my fidget on my side-bar, that people do visit other blogs from my blog roll. If you would like me to remove your blog to see if this helps, I'll be happy to do so.

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  36. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  37. Good grief, I've just noticed all the links from me. But I also don't have 'create a link' on my blog. What is that? I do however have 'link within' that shows previous posts of mine.

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  38. Sad and bad. And we all need to not only have an Auntie Ada, but to be her too.

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  39. I have a ghastly feeling that , these days , Ada wouldn't be any more effective than anyone else these children come across .
    A few years ago , I spent half an hour soaking blood-encrusted socks from a ltwo-year-old boy's feet ..." he was a careless little b....r and had lost his shoes ", said Dad , which might explain why only the child had arrived with two mismatched and very large wooden clogs on . His blisters took ages to heal . We reported this , and his sister's bruises to Social Services , but were told that the parents were doing their best ..

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  40. Sigh. I hate to say, I have experienced such a surprise. Two young girls foster children, then adopted. Their new "father" a Godly man, a man everyone loved. He is a pedophile, now in jail. We were all shocked. I cried for days. I'm not sure a "curtain twitcher" would have made a difference - he was very sneaky.

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  41. I haven't read all of the comments but I did get as far as Lisa's and I believe she's got it exactly right. The street from where I just moved was quite the exception to the current rule. We were very involved in each others lives. We had no problem praising, reprimanding or protecting one another's kids if the situation merited it. Of course we never had reason to worry or wonder about a child's safety at home but neither do I think than any one of us would hesitate if suspicions were raised. At least I'd hope not.

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  42. Our neighborhood had an "Aunty Mil" who was watchful in the best sense of the word. It was to her house I ran when a man in a car stopped to ask me for directions and I realized he had no pants on! We all knew we were safe because Aunty Mil kept her eye on us.

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  43. Somebody was in my office a week or two ago and he said the two worst things that have happened in this country are school buses and the fact that people don't sit on their front porches anymore. Used to be all the grownups knew all the kids, and all the kids were afraid of all the grownups. Or if not afraid, restrained.
    There are many ills that would be improved with a little bit of Nosy Neighborism.

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  44. A very good post Friko. I also liked reading all the comments. Here in the US where we live it would be very difficult to find out what is happening next door. For example, the teenager next door used to babysit my daughters, but she lived behind the lake and I had to go and drive to get her and drive her back – there is so much distance between houses here. I don’t even know my neighbors anymore and as someone said earlier, people are so scared, that you take your life in your hands when you knock at a door. Did you hear about the teenager whose car had broken down, went and knocked at a door for help and was shot in the face, dead? So, it’s not easy.

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  45. I’m surprised to know that the exactly the same thing has been happening in Britain. I constantly hear the news of child abuse leading to death here in Japan. I don’t think this is the current trend with more and more report. Perhaps there must have been many unreported cases in the past. It is not only the result of research but also is already known fact like Heathcliff in the Wuthering Heights that an abused child grows up to an abusive person. Something must be done to end the vicious cycle. Not only to protect the abused child from the cruel parents but also mental care for the child is important. As for the ongoing child abuse incidents, I really agree with you, Friko, to help to stop the tragic end.

    Yoko

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  46. Have you ever read Writing as Jo(e)? She and her family were able to help a local kid, doing what they could. The positive ending, or new beginning, is quite a hopeful story. This is the latest news, worth reading about.

    http://writingasjoe.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-happy-ending-for-little-biker-boy.html

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