Wednesday 1 May 2013

Throw A Ball And Reap A Rock

People who walk dogs meet dog walkers. Dogs who’ve met before need time to reacquaint themselves and those who haven’t,  need to exchange visiting cards. All this is a roundabout way of saying that dog walkers spend a lot of time gossiping with each other. I  met Dave today. Dave throws a ball for his two collies, over and over, and Murphy and Badger go fetch, over and over. You’d think they’d get the message that this endless throwing and fetching business is never going to get them anywhere. As soon as they have found, collected and returned the ball, their stupid human throws it away again. Some humans don’t deserve such devoted doggie services.

However, this story is a sad one, about humans who are even more stupid than Dave, although from a human point of view, Dave isn’t really stupid. Dave’s neighbour, a lady called Maud, died recently. She left behind a husband and four children. I say children, because, to Maud and Bernie they always were and always will be, although the eldest of them is in his mid fifties. The youngest, the twins, are well into their forties. Apart from the eldest, who says of himself  “I’m the one who got away”, the five of them all lived in a very small terraced house.

Dave and I said how sad it was that Maud had died, seeing as she was such a rock to her family and the village as a whole.  The sort of thing one says when someone well respected, bossy, yet charitable, and very determined, dies. We also said that her death wouldn’t free up any space in the house, except in Bernie’s bedroom, and the others would still be as cramped as ever. What one calls ‘close-knit family’, if one has learned the English way of saying things without saying them.

“Did you know that Stan tried to buy the house next door?” Dave asked. Stan is the male half of the twins, a jobbing builder and painter, who does small jobs around the village. He is bright enough to drive a van and organise his customers, although I wouldn’t exactly recommend him for a job that needs expertise. No, I hadn’t heard. “Good idea”, I said, "put a bit of farting distance between them, get a bit of room for air.”

"O no,” Dave said, “ Bernie put his foot down, he was absolutely dead against it, and Stan had to give up the idea.” My mouth fell open. “O yes,” Dave said, “Bernie insisted that they all stay together, that at home with him and their mum was were they all belonged.” Bernie is god-fearing and righteous, and like Maud was, a rock.

I huffed and puffed a bit, but didn’t really want to say very much, Dave and I are relatively new acquaintances and I wanted to avoid getting it wrong. Dave looked at me,  threw another ball for Murphy and Badger, with Millie waddling along in their wake, and decided to tell me his father’s story.

“My dad was in the war, unlike his brother, who was declared unfit for service due to severe and debilitating eczema. When the war was over, and my dad came out of the Army, he didn’t go home to his parents, but decided to try and find work in London. He found a job and fell in love with my mother. They married and had us children. My granddad never really approved of us and we saw very little of him and gran. They got old and dad tried to mend fences but it didn’t work. My dad’s brother, whose eczema got worse over the years until he could barely face going out, and my dad’s sister, who looked after them all, stayed with the old people until they died. Neither of them was ever allowed to form a relationship of any kind, they had no friends at all. After both granddad and gran  died and the will was read, it turned out that granddad had disinherited my dad and divided his meagre leavings between the two children who had stayed with him. His reason was stated as “because he left home.

My dad’s sister and brother - whose eczema cleared up within weeks  - overturned the will and divided everything three ways.”

Dave finished his tale by saying: “ My uncle spent the rest of his life travelling and taking photographs, thousands of them. We have boxes and boxes of them. Sadly, he never made any notes where or of whom he had taken them.”

Dave said his granddad was a rock too, god-fearing and righteous, just like Bernie and Maud.




41 comments:

  1. My husband's paternal grandmother was another such rock...but child after child escaped her until only the youngest girl was left....and she had to live at home, working and taking care of her mother.
    My husband's father gave her the money for a deposit on a flat when she was in her thirties and she too escaped.....but the rock cut him off for his temerity.

    And on the subject of dogs....I once knew a bull terrier whose owner would throw sticks into the water for him.
    The bull terrier soon got the idea. He would seize on a stick as they walked, jump with it into the stream and leave it there for his owner to retrieve.
    The owner was, unfortunately, untrainable....

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  2. Dear Friko, I've been away from reading blogs for about three weeks and I've missed your take on village life and and on the vicissitudes of being. So today, I got to read about dog walking and dog walkers and the hazards of living wedged all together.

    I'm not surprised at Dave's story because I truly believe that our thoughts--whether negative or positive--and our happiness--or lack of it--can influence our health. The surprise came at the generosity of Dave's aunt and uncle who shared the inheritance with his father. People are always surprising me. And I've learned that often I underestimate the generosity and good will of others. I'm trying to respond in the moment and not to the memory.

    I so enjoy your blog, Friko. Peace.

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  3. Wow! What impressed me most was the generous gesture of Dave's aunt and uncle! I would have expected them to be as narrow minded and rigid as the parents. Nice to hear that they weren't! But what stunted lives those selfish parents made them lead.

    Dogs are wonderful. Sometimes wanting in grey matter but never in the joy and exuberance of living!

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  4. What a tragic life. I am sure we have families like that here in the U.S. I know married couples where the wife cannot have any friends. But making the children live at home is cruel.

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  5. wow very cool story of daves family...hard to think on being made to live home...rather getting the kids to leave home seems to be the problem here at times...ha....

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  6. I have heard of such things before, but it was usually only one female offspring who had to stay at home to be her parents' live-in housekeeper.
    My parents were happy for us when we felt ready to leave, and also generous enough to take us in if we found ourselves unable to make it for one reason or another. My brother and I were living at home when we were both working in the city, and we paid Mom and Dad one week's take-home pay for room and board, which is what Mom requested. They wanted us to learn about responsibilities.
    I laughed at the first comment here, the one mentioning the bull terrier who jumped into the water with a stick. That's wonderful! Our Lindy has one toy she will fetch if we throw it, but she won't fetch anything else. She has other toys she squeaks when one of us comes into the house, to show she's happy to see us. She's the first dog I've ever had who categorized her toys.
    K

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  7. Very odd parents,happily for we kids our parents raised us to think for ourselves and become independent adults able to make our way in this world.
    I find it hard to imagine adult children toeing a very stupid line as Bernie and Maud's kids do.
    An interesting tale Friko.

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  8. Claustrophobia is what comes to mind. Your forbearance was admirable, though I suppose there is no other choice, is there?

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  9. Thankfully Dave's aunt and uncle did not think like their father. They probably wished they had been the ones who left home.

    I have a cousin with whom I've recently reconnected. We're close in age. In his twenties, his mother had a very strong hold over him.. fussing and overprotective. I often wondered what would become of their relationship. The mother had passed away at 92, a few months before I reunited with my cousin. He had a toddler son whom his mother had never met because she refused to see the child if the child's mother was with him. My cousin refused to allow his mother to dictate alienation of his wife - a woman his mother never met but did not like - because she married her baby. My cousin married later in life because he catered to his mother's whims but when he fell in love, thankfully, he did not allow his mother to run his life any longer. What a sad loss for his mother to have never gotten to know her grandson and her lovely daughter in law.

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  10. What a story! I based one of my books on a similar one -- a woman who never let her daughter go to school or to church for fear she'd meet someone and leave home.

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  11. My aunt is 66 and has a son that still lives at home. He is 37. My aunt likes him to be home because she gets nervous being alone. But really. This is so wrong. I love my aunt to the ends of the earth but she has ruined that boy. (Yes, he is and always will be a boy.) She has squeezed so hard I don't think his wings will ever be able to spread and fly away.

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  12. What a story - so sad for the children who always remain children and never spread their wings.

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  13. Frico, interesting story!
    Unfortunately often the parents' will humiliates their children and does not give them to live their own lives. I think Dave's father was a determined man and did not count on an inheritance.

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  14. Jeder isst die Suppe, die er kocht - so ist es halt!
    My sister in law said once to me: people WANT to stay in their situation and circumstances, otherwise they would go out. I think there is a lot of truth in it.

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  15. A kind of life I can not imagine at all for myself. While I was not in a hurry to leave home, it seemed the natural and logical thing to do to move out once I was old enough and earned enough (just about enough) to pay rent for a small flat and stock the fridge. Although I love my parents very much, I wouldn't even want to live in separate flats with them in the same house. Things are just right as they are, us living within 10-15 minutes walking distance, and seeing each other once a week for lunch and sometimes going for nice walks together etc.

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  16. I left home at 14.my brother remained enmeshed. Now he's angry that I'm in charge of family funds for my mother.......

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  17. And just like the ball, it keeps going 'round and 'round.

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  18. Oh, by the way, I took your advice on trying to find my two German friends with no good result. A private investigator wanted $500 a head so, I guess I'll just keep poking the internet from time to time and see if anything turns up.

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  19. Ahh.
    Family.
    The other F word.

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  20. It's very sad when parents cannot let go and encourage their children to become independent.

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  21. Friko, your post struck "home" with me. I was and am a child who got away. Whenever you and I do eventually get together to talk of many things, I'll try to remember to tell you more. Think Tennessee Williams.

    xo

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  22. Very strange. While I have loved having my daughter and her family living next door and I like having my son near as well, I was very happy when they moved out and started their own adult lives. There is something unhealthy about parents who refuse to let their children grow up.

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  23. I love the peek into other lives that your post provides...almost makes me want to get a dog so I can walk.

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  24. A not uncommon situation in the past, but I haven't encountered a recent example. Not my idea of a Christian way to behave, though. Such selfishness in binding children too close to home and stealing their adult independence and chance of personal fulfilment. I'm glad Dave's uncle and aunt had the chance to try their wings before it was too late.

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  25. I got a chill reading this and it wasn't from a draft!

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  26. Dave's story is indeed a sad one. Stories of estrangement make me so sad. What people miss. But sometimes you have to do that to save yourself. I admire Dave's dad and am glad his brother and sister recognized him. But I worry a lot about Stan and company.

    One of the smartest things I ever did was not live with dad. We were in the same city and I passed up some out of town jobs because as an only, I felt I needed to be near since his health was so bad for so long. We saw each other often, talked daily. But I also had a life. He wanted me to have that life and the choices I made were my own. I don't regret them for a minute, but I think if we'd been roomies, I would have resented it -- and that's a sad way to feel about a parent.

    On another note, I have SO appreciated your Gypsy comments and your follow-up email. I am having very limited computer time due to the nasty headache with my head and face shingles. Frustrating to be off work and not be able to spend much time with blog friends, sort the closet, clean the garage or dig in the dirt. But getting a bit better. I will be sending you an email reply, but I want you to know how VERY much it has meant to me. A beautiful mail to be treasured.

    Take care, my friend. Sounds like Dave has something to bring to the table. A good encounter. (And boy, I wish Lizzie was as dumb as Murphy and Badger! Can't teach that cat to fetch to save my soul!)

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  27. On more than one occasion my friend Gine has divided up money amongst other relatives, money that was left just to her. She is in her 80s & in wonderful health. I think she understands the things that are really important in life.

    Family is always such an INTERESTING topic. Never quite gracefully distilled.

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  28. In my family all but the youngest escaped. He and my mother have one of those hostile dependency sorts of relationships, where they depend on each other and resent each other. Drives the rest of us crazy, but it will never, ever change..

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  29. I had an aunt like that, none of the children left. They all said it was because they loved it so much. But underneath, it was their dad's out of control gambling problem and they had to finance the household or mum would have starved.

    I love stories like these.

    XO
    WWW

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  30. What a thought-provoking post Friko, and an amazing story. Fancy leaving home being such a terrible crime. You write beautifully.

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  31. Your story of Dave, the dogs, and rigid parents reads like a parable to me, Friko. Throw the ball out and let the dogs fetch, bringing them back, happily, is akin to giving children wings to fly, and blessing them in the flight, hoping they come back for visits and such and respecting you for letting them fly rather than resenting you for forcing them to stay. Dave's aunt and uncle did the right thing in sharing, perhaps atoning for their father's greed (for a greedy spirit is what he had). I imagine it helped make up for the years upon years they were robbed of their brother's company as well. How well you write. Thank you.

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  32. I don't believe I've heard such a story over here - children are pushed off the nest rather early, and it's rare to hear of siblings even living on the same street. That said - my aunt remained in the town in which her parents lived and cared for them and for her mother-in-law. She never had children of her own and now, in old age, is alone in that town. Perhaps brothers and sisters that stay in the family home, as you've described, are responsible for their choices too. One only has to leave a 'rock' once.

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  33. Believe it or not, I know a couple who just moved into a retirement home and their daughter moved in with them. They all seem quite pleased with the situation.

    The daughter had moved back with her parents after her divorce. Last I heard, her son (the grandson) was moving in with them too.

    My ex-husband's sister Sue lived with her parents and her son lived with her (all in one house). Don was in the military and after we divorced and his parents died, Suer moved in with Don.

    Strange old world we live in, but some families stay together until the oldest ones die. I have known many instances of this in the South, especially among African-Americans, although it is not limited to one race.

    According to the Census Bureau recombining of families is happening all around the globe owing to shrinking household finances. Dianne

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  34. You are such a wonderful observer and reporter of human-kind. I have gotten so behind in visiting my fav blogs lately--reading this makes me realize what I have been missing. That said, I love what you wrote, "... the English way of saying things without saying them." I call this code-talk. I accuse certain of my family members of this with some frequency. Good to know our ancestral English influence hasn't gotten too watered down, in spite of distance and time ;)

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  35. Such interesting family dynamics! Love the way you wove the story. You held my attention the entire time, which is a very difficult achievement for me. :)

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  36. When Youngest Daughter was born , more than ten years after the first two , there was general approval among the older inhabitants of our small Spanish town . " There you are . She'll care for you in your old age " , they said comfortably .
    I must remind her of this some time .....

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  37. Hi Friko - a telling story of two families - so sad. My great aunt who actually was a member of the Royal Academy ... looked after her mother and never married. Her twin was a doctor - hence why she was allowed to go, I guess .. the other 7 brothers and sisters made good lives for themselves.

    I don't think Dolly suffered ... but I'd have loved for her to be free to have enjoyed her art more - I've given my few pictures back into the family .. I kept one - an etching of pigs I'm fond of, and in fact found one at my mother's.

    I saw the Pitman Painters play last night - an interesting twist .. have you seen it?

    Cheers and I do hope the weather is sunnier with you than it is here now .. Hilary

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  38. I expect to be officially disinherited. Good for me.

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  39. Oh how I love your stories. This one was a great read. In some ways, my grandmother was the same way. We grew up one block from her house, but she never really forgave my father for marrying my mother and not being there for her beck and call. When my father was transferred from the town in which he was raised and left my grandparents, my grandmother really never forgave him. She basically disinherited him also. He was given money from the estate, but never any of the jewelry, household goods, or anything of an value. He faithfully wrote to her every week, but that did not matter. Sad.

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  40. A sad story in a way Friko. Probably like you I suspect, I can't understand why parents want to keep their kids around living with them. Give them freedom and let them fly! Now we have our freedom too - Dave

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