Thursday 10 January 2013

Why Can’t (Some) Humans Be More Like A Dog?

Some may be, of course; I can only speak for those I know, like me and Beloved.

Dogs make friends at a wag of the tail and a sniff at the backside. The result: intimate friendship for life.   Millie climbs up the hill of the castle bailey and plays look-out on all sides of the flat hill top, ears cocked, tail stretched out expectantly and body poised for a run; all for the sake of a friendly romp. She all but gives a shrill whistle of joy when she spies a mate and instantly hurtles down the bank in an ecstasy of anticipation fulfilled.

In spite of having mentioned in a recent post that there were few invitations during the festive season, things have changed again; we’ve already had three during the first two weeks of January. You’d think I’d be grateful and feel appreciated. Up to a point  I do but, sadly, it is in my nature to examine a good thing first and put up with it only after an ungracious grumble.

Beloved and I have the best conversations over breakfast. After the third invitation plopped on to the mat, this is how we dealt with it.

"Oh dear, another drinks/dinner party; seems everybody is catching up after Christmas."

"Really? Who is it?" Beloved’s reply, non-committal, is slightly less ungracious than my remark.

"I think that the more you meet some people the less you have to say to them, so why bother? Why make the effort; why tire yourself out with aimless small talk? I am sure I’ve said everything I have to say many times already and I could certainly tell you what Joe Bloggs is going to say before he opens his mouth."

"That’s a little harsh, don’t you think? Man is surely a gregarious animal by nature who seeks the company of others; there is also comfort in familiarity. Just look at a basket of puppies. They tumble and romp and cuddle up together for warmth and companionship and play, getting to know each other and their reactions intimately. They never get tired of each other."

A basket full of puppies as an analogy for the behaviour of humans? Sure, why not? I can live with that.

"Of course, I know how you feel," Beloved continued, "I don’t need to tell you that I feel just the same. But just think of all the lovely gossip you’d miss if you never saw anyone."

The prospect of gossip cheered me up.

"Okay, I’ll accept, shall I?" Not that I have the option to turn the invitation down. That would not only be  unkind but also extremely rude. Much better to think of a pressing reason for non-attendance nearer the time, if necessary.

I have never in all my life had an intimate friend; I wouldn’t know how to go about creating such a relationship. An only child, with parents who miserly, yet proudly “kept themselves to themselves”, I was never properly socialised, much like my darling Benno-boy, who ignored all other dogs after a very cursory sniff. He had spent his formative years (do dogs have formative years?) shut up all day long in a small apartment and was only taken out early mornings and late evenings, until he came to us. It was too late to retrain him, as it was too late to retrain myself after a lonely childhood, a restless and destructive first marriage during which permanent embarrassment precluded close contact with anyone outside the family. And then I go and marry another hermit! Who said, when I bemoaned my lack of a soul mate: “Don’t be silly. What are we, you and me, if not soul mates.” He’s right, of course. He usually is.

Sometimes we get together for a meal or a drink with people who are a joy to be with, although we are by no means on close terms. The best occasions are those when stimulating conversations, totally free ranging, natural and uninhibited, involving every member of the group, leave you refreshed and animated and wanting more. I am not so fond of conversations with people whose superior intellect leaves you drained. You’ve paddled so hard to keep up - that is if they take breath long enough for you to add your tuppence' worth; people of superior intellect are fully aware of their superiority and dislike anyone else having an opinion - that, at the end of the evening, you are exhausted from the sheer effort to show yourself equal to the task.

Millie and her chums race and play-fight each other until they are breathless and their legs give under them, only to get up and start the whole procedure again after they’ve got their second breath. Social life on a grand scale! They don’t ask questions about pedigree, education, toilet habits or social standing of their owners. They just get on with it and each takes from each what they have to offer and give back in full measure.  Wouldn’t that be great for humans too?



47 comments:

  1. "Each takes from each what they have to offer and give back in full measure." Beautiful. Love this post, Friko.

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  2. oh you dont think they talk about their owners. but...hahaha...it is interesting our human habits and behavior...i am a student of it....

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  3. Frico, you wrote a very deep thought: 'people of superior intellect are fully aware of their superiority and dislike anyone else having an opinion' That is really truth. I don't like these conversations, parties,etc. The world of animals is simpler,sincerer and more opened than people's world.

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  4. I don't have close friends. I bet there are a lot of people like us, preferring most days to have the companionship of our dogs and spouse. I have read that people with a wide social circle live longer & have wondered if I should try harder. For an introvert that's not easy. I'm pretty happy the way things are.

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  5. It's been a while (?) since I asked about my guests toilet habits. Have I been missing something?

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  6. All my closest friends I made when I was a child. They're in another country now, or other cities. I used to miss having a really close friend. Not so much anymore. Cushion hates going out and lives only for dogs/his girly girly JawJawJah. We're all alone in the end anyway, or so they say.

    Gossip is what I love too, how shameful to admit it. Juice, I call it. As for dogs, maybe they only need to sniff the bum to know what the other dog ate or where he slept which will then indicate what social standing he is. Possible. No? Hope Millie's check up goes well X

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  7. Hello:
    We tend to think that dog owners in general do look and behave like their dogs but your post has now made us wonder which came first.......the human or the canine way of things? Certainly, animals do seem to lead much less complicated lives, rather in the way of young boys in our experience. Friends are in,others are out, differences solved by rough and tumble rather than long lasting, tortuous mental anguish which tends to be the weapon of young girls and the classification of friends into 'best' and the rest.

    But, oh the shower of invitations landing on the mat. How we love the thought of this.Variety is the spice of life they say....maybe we are pack dogs at heart?

    Wishing you a joyous, healthy and peaceful New Year!!!!

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  8. Guess I am a loner at this time of life.
    Occasional times with others
    but truly just like being by myself.
    Always busy and never bored.
    In years past
    never had this option
    and it is now a wonderful gift...

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  9. You're not alone in your feelings, Friko. Personally, I find no better company than my dog, Derry I am convinced that she is the only one who truly knows me and loves me as I am.

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  10. I do relate to those meaningless conversations full of dribble. Hubby and I tend to be selective with who we spend time with. Few do we like and so enjoy each other's company. And yep, a dog is such a good friend and rarely a bore when speaking! LOL!

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  11. My days of the obligatory social round are over...we see whom we wish to see.

    On dogs, though....when I had packs of terriers their first instinct was to beat the hell out of any other dog they encountered.
    Later, larger dogs seem kinder.

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  12. To me, friends are to be treasured and cherished. And I think sharing the trivia of life is important, too. If you do not like a person, you do not share the trivia.
    Friends don't replace partners, but many friendships are between soul mates.

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  13. Oh, the world would be infinitely improved if people all behaved the way dogs do. No question! Dogs don't all like all other dogs, and most of them just avoid the ones they don't care to spend time with. How sensible.
    The friends whose company I most enjoy are those people who just share a passing thought or observation rather than HOLDING FORTH ON ISSUES. Spare me.

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  14. I'm a lot like you but I do have a few close, lifelong friends. And I guess, if you include parties with fellow musicians we too romp like dogs playing and singing the night away. Great fun while it lasts but then it's back to my introverted self. Not quite sure how blogging fits into this scenario.

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  15. Think your beloved sounds like a soul mate actually!

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  16. I know exactly how you feel. My initial response to any invitation is NO. I then tell myself of course you must. Then I resolve that I will go but only for a couple of hours. This usually ends up with me being the last to leave and forced out the door. I always think I have a much better time when I don't really want to go. I don't understand why I continually behave this way. I guess I am my happiest with myself and John. I have always felt I don't really need people. I always end up having a good time though. I resolve to say YES more in 2013.

    Go, it will be better than you think!
    D
    xxxx

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  17. you'd be on my A-list Friko
    I like grumblers
    Have fun....

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  18. I've never really had a close friend and confidant either. Though not an only child, growing up in a secluded neighborhood where the houses were acres apart and girl children around my age were scarce, coupled with social climbing parents who never approved of the social standing of the kids I wanted to be friends with at school often left me alone with my own devices. Now I've moved out in the country leaving my few adult friendships to rare get togethers I'm back to being a hermit myself. Haven't really found anyone here that I feel like making the effort to befriend. I'm OK with being a hermit I guess. Friendships can be perilous, at least in my experience.

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  19. I found out, as I get older, that I do not need much close social contact. I don't really need to be on intimate terms with anybody and find it a lot of work. One or two fairly good friends are enough and even then I watch what I share. A social butterfly I am not, although friendly and, up to a point, approachable. I do not like parties and am awkward at them. I prefer one to one contact. I also like the company of my dog.

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  20. I know people who seem to have hundreds of "friends." I, myself, can count my true friends on one hand and maybe one extra finger. But, I do depend on my closest female friend to be a sounding board to me as I am to her. My husband is the friend I've had the longest - since we were 15. Who else knows me so well and still says, "I love you?" I am a simple person and don't even try to keep pace with superior intellects. I rarely feel demeaned by the status of others. I am fairly satisfied to just be me, so maybe I am more dog-like than I ever imagined. (Wouldn't that be nice?) I love the way you write, Friko. It's like having a conversation with an honest friend.

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  21. Oh yes. I have very few close friends. I value those I have, but I need solitude as well. My smaller portion and I are regarded as anti-social, but are (mostly) content with what we have. Our cats on the other hand are very anti-social and growl at any visitors to the door. Sometimes I would like to as well.

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  22. For my mental wellbeing, I need all three - the solitary times, the larger occasions with groups of friends and/or family, and the time spent with just one person very close to me (such as RJ). And the older I get, the more I need "just me" time in order to balance the rest, but I do love being out and about and would really miss other people if I were to retreat entirely from their company.

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  23. I love going out for lunch , everyone's more relaxed and lighthearted . The whole after-dark/dinner party thing is too invested in status , intellectual or culinary .
    Mind you , if it all involved sniffing backsides , I'd never go anywhere again .

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  24. i think we all need other humans, albiet in moderation.

    I often struggle for things to say - even with people i haven't seen for a long time. I think we need a good mix of alone time and social time - and to be with people that we can be comfortable with

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  25. heerlijk genieten van elkaar en er zijn als het nodig is.

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  26. I'm not sure where I sit ... one of four - I have spent my whole life rubbing along comfortably with everyone else - but I don't actively seek companionship, it's just always there.

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  27. I'm glad I don't have to sniff someone's backside to decide if I like them or not ;-) I don't go to parties anymore, unless I really, really have to (my father's 90th birthday party in a couple of weeks, not looking forward to it).
    However, I do enjoy having dinner with friends. But I don't go to their birthday parties. I ignore my own birthdays too.
    Just let me go my own way and I'm happy enough :-)

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  28. Actually playing games rather than small talk works with some folks...just as it does with dogs.

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  29. Friko, I do admire how you've taken us right to your breakfast table. You do have such a fine ability to capture dialogue. It seems so clear and simple, yet is truly quite deep.

    Dogs! How I wish I had a dog, but my current apartment/work life would not be kind to any dog. Usually, however, I do find that it is kind to me. I am very fortunate to have some very close friends, whom I have known for many years, and am also close to a brother. I think that we are able to share just about everything...we've seen each other through many ups and downs over the decades and so there is no pretense.

    Additionally, I know many folks here and there with whom I do enjoy spending time. Some of the folks also know each other; some are from totally different circles and backgrounds. It does make life interesting.

    All the same, I know I do have hermit tendencies! xo

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  30. I'd love to be like a well adjusted dog - happy to gallop about on my own pursuits and equally delighted to find someone to play with!

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  31. I have a variety of outside activities and know people in each place, but rarely see them other than in that place. My husband and I had a friend for dinner this week, and it was the first guest other than family we'd had in over a year. I feel like I ought to be more social, but then I'm not.

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  32. That was well-Friko, and I can relate. Having moved incessantly as a child, I must admit that it's hard for me to make/maintain close friendships as well.

    I operate under the assumption that everyone means well, and work hard to assume positive intent. We are, after all, trying our best.

    Aren't we? :-)

    Minneapolis, mid-winter,

    Pearl

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  33. That was supposed to be "well-said", not just "well-".

    :-)

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  34. The only thing I miss from work is the gossip. On the other hand there is much I don't miss about hanging out with others. Germs for example. I am an old curmudgeon and I like it like that. Dianne

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  35. As I get older I am more and more content with just my own company and that of my DH, but also enjoy time with family and friends, some of many years standing. We don't socialise in the way you describe with formal dinner or drinks parties, thank goodness, though occasional shared lunches or suppers with friends in France are great fun. My work has always taken me among people and basically I like them and enjoy being with them, but I need plenty of time to myself too.

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  36. This has got me wondering what sort of dog I'd be? What sort would you be? I'm afraid I'd be a Heinz 57 Variety. Most of the people I like, on the other hand, might be classed as Alsatians or Standard Poodles, thought I do love my terrier-like friends. Black Lab types are comforting, but not very challenging. Now you've got me going.......

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  37. Well I am a self-admitted gregarious loner, Friko but I do make the effort to socialize but I am selective.

    The best quote ever about a dog is: I wish I was the kind of person my dog thinks I am" and I only have to look into the eyes of my dog to see how wonderful she thinks me, we even play-bow each other.

    XO
    WWW

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  38. You're right - it would be wonderful to have the embracing attitude to life and others that so many dogs seem to have (but without their hierarchy). And yes, dogs have formative years - that's why it's so important that they are socialized during their first months/year.

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  39. I just try to imagine if people would make friends at a wag of the tail and a sniff at the backside. The result: intimate friendship for life hahaha ! Of course we would have difficulties as we have no tails, especially we women. A nose we have !
    My oldest friend dates from 1951 when we were 8 years old ! We were neighbors in Bonn and then in Brussels and we kept our friendship all over the years and see each other regularly or we Skype together. I am very faithful once I have a friend I mean a real one. I also was an only child, but my parents loved to get rid of me so I always was with friends at their houses, my mother wanted to keep her house clean ! see the picture ! Today I have 4 best friends living nearby on which I can count if I am in troubles. And of course the other way around. I also have my girlfriend Anne who is English and lives now in Eastbourne, since over 12 years. I met her in Tenerife ! And then Claudie in the South of France since 4 years we knew each other through blogging, then visited each other and now we are real friends. I always say, friends you can choose, relatives you inherit ! And a husband is not a female friend !

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  40. What a precious dog, he looks on everything so sublime.

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  41. Hi Friko - great exposition of life on earth - or up a bailey castle wall ... I can see Millie and friends romping around, falling down, rolling down the hill - then pulling themselves up and starting all over again ...

    ... now us - we'd collapse at the bottom of the hill and stay there - hoping sincerely one of our friends would pick up our pieces!! If there's a butler around that would be good for the reviving glass of vino or whisky ... and a snack ..

    But Beloved definitely has the best idea - you'd miss all that gossip ... not a good idea for your blogging friends - ready for a little more gossip ... however Millie will be both your best friend ...

    I'd love a world full of humans like dogs!! Cheers from another wet day here on the south coast ... Hilary

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  42. While not typically a fan of bumper stickers our son got one for me a while back " I love dogs - it's humans that annoy me". Well I should insert "some" humans - mainly the ones in traffic & then those intellectually superior folks you referenced. My own life is far richer with our house filled up with very opinionated Shelties who I know are far more intelligent than I
    and don't rub it in my face.

    A great post and will carry the image of that basketful of puppies with me throughout this cold and dreary day in the northwoods.

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  43. Beautiful! You're so right. I love the forthrightness of dogs and the natural joy in being together. Some people can be very tedious, others a joy. But I think the holiday season is a challenge for a lot of people who end up socializing more than they would like.

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  44. I'd be hard pressed to aspire to anything better than how most dogs behave with others... butt-sniffing notwithstanding.

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  45. I think you have met your soulmate--yes! ;)

    I am probably more like a cat. Dogs actually don't like to be alone and always seek company and approval, in my experience (human or other dogs). I have always needed my alone time and the older I get the more, like a cat, I do my own thing and don't trouble myself over what anyone else thinks about it--LOL!

    Even though I am housebound and moved away in 1999 from all the rest of my friends and family except for my son and his wife, I keep in touch with them all via email, handwritten letters, and phone calls. I have had pen pals since I was ten years old and several of my friends right now I have never met, either, because I have met them online. We progressed to emails and then to letters. So, I guess I am both. Solitary and social. And I think I need them both and always have. Interesting, I hadn't thought much about it. Thanks for the thought provoking post, Friko. :):)

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  46. This is a pretty fascinating post and the comments are pretty interesting, too. I find myself crossing all the lines and then back again. I was a painfully shy only child who decided to get over her stage fright and studied theatre in college and grad school. When you are on stage, you can be anyone you are assigned. Off, still quiet. But good close friends. Many close friends. I know the good and bad, traumatic and joyful things in their lives and they know mine. We support each other to the max. And, not surprisingly, most of the gatherings I go to with joy are those with the GGs, the great gang of women -- or one or two of them. My life here is very out in front with being on TV a lot and being very public, and when I have to go to a function for work, I find that I am pulling out all those skills I learned more than 30 years ago. It's hard work and sometimes it wears me out. And sometimes, I get so into it I realize Jeanie is there and she is having one heck of a good time! Parties? Yes. But give me my down time and plenty of it, curled up with cocoa or tea and Ms. Lizzie and Rick if he's feeling quiet enough to let me read my book! Balance!

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  47. "I am not so fond of conversations with people whose superior intellect leaves you drained. You’ve paddled so hard to keep up - that is if they take breath long enough for you to add your tuppence' worth; "

    THAT left me laughing and I enjoyed the whole post! Well, your blog is a warm, friendly hug ;) I am not one who requires many friends... I'm too busy with family and doing my own thing. It does seem, the older I get, the less I "need" to go out...

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