Thursday 9 August 2012

A Walk On The Sad Side




It was a pleasant morning, we'd had breakfast and it would have been time for Beloved to take Benno for a walk round the castle on the way to the paper shop. Beloved sighed. "I know", I said, "I feel just the same." There was no need to ask the reason for the sigh. Neither of us had taken that particular walk for several weeks, Benno hadn't been able to manage the slopes lately and grass and pollen count had been high. "Why don't we both go?"

The castle meadows and slopes were covered in wildflowers; since the sheep have been taken off, the area has begun to revert to scrubland. It doesn't take more than a couple of years for that to happen.










The dreaded ragwort is the only one which shouldn't be there. Common Ragwort (Senecio jacobaea) is a specified weed under the Weeds Act 1959. It contains toxins, which can have debilitating or fatal consequences if eaten by horses and other grazing animals.

Ragwort may need to be controlled when its presence and the likelihood of it spreading to neighbouring land poses a risk to horses and other grazing animals or land used for the production of forage. We pull it out wherever we see it. I've seen farmers do so in rough patches of harvested woodland, simply because these woodlands were adjacent to pasture.

We stopped and talked to several dogs; they and their owners commiserated with us. We also met Harriet, a member of a Valley's End family, none of whom could be considered to belong to the sharper tools in the box. "Where's the dog," she asked. When we told her, she said: "Aaah, that's sad, so now you have to go out with each other?" Harriet is one of these people who are said to possess a heart of gold. Perhaps that's why she ends every conversation with a platitude. "I'm sorry," she said, "you must feel very sad." We agreed. "Ah well," she said, "never mind." We also met Bill. Bill had advice for us. "Get a new dog, now, right away; don't hang about. That's what I did, when the last one died." Bill twitched his neck in a military fashion, causing his toupee to slip a fraction. "Does Bill have a dead gerbil on his head?", somebody, who should know better, unkindly asked the other day. I am sure that Bill loves his little cairn terriers, but he only takes them on when their breeder owners are finished with them and the dogs are very old. Bill is a kind man, but at 90 years old his capacity for  lavishing unconditional love on any creature - other than himself, that is - has probably shrunk.

We left them to go their way and we went ours. We bid several more people good morning but avoided  getting into conversation. In a small place like Valley's End any kind of news travels fast and although all comments and messages are well-meant and kind, not all are therefore sensitive.


55 comments:

  1. What a lovely area to walk, albeit with heavy hearts. I'm so sorry you met people who felt compelled to offer advice. Sometimes there's just nothing to be done but to feel sad and to miss your Benno tremendously. My thoughts are with you both.

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  2. People don't usually know what to say, do they? But Harriet's crude "now you have to go out with each other" makes me laugh, which is better than crying I guess.

    Sweet Benno. His spirit runs happily through those hills, even amongst the ragwort.

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  3. When I am sad, well-meaning comments often just leave me waiting to depart(as quickly as possible).

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  4. I have read a number of your back posts. I always enjoy visiting here, even when you are down. You tackle life head on, and I think your perseverance is as large as your heart. ( I just love the descriptions of your town folk). Hugs sent your way... I have three dogs, two cats, a horse and I can't remember how many children ;P. Precious and sweet all of them (even the kids). They do leave a hole in the heart when they depart (don't know about the kids yet... they are still attached :)

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  5. Beautiful country. We walked there ourselves on a 2002 visit to UK.

    Lovely memories you'll have of those walks with Benno.

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  6. Sadly, We had to have one of our cats put down the other week. It always used to lick the lids of our yogurt cartons. It was a good week and a half before either of us could face eating yogurt again.

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  7. After that, I'm not quite sure what to say! Though I don't think Harriet was wrong. Thats exactly what happens to us after every dog goes.

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  8. Dear Friko, what I know after living through the deaths of several beloved cats is that the heart has reasons that we know little, if anything, about. And when the heart if ready it will let us know that bringing another animal/pet into our home and family is wise--or not. For now, I hope just that you are being gracious to yourselves, finding comfort in your memories of Benno, and letting yourselves grieve in the way that your heart dictates. Peace.

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  9. Your sense of humor at the world shines through, in spite of it all. I got a chuckle when I read about your encounter with Bill, "...causing his toupee to slip a fraction." Why, I wonder, does Bill think at the age of 90 wearing a toupee could possibly make one whit of difference...
    Perhaps it keeps his pate warm ;)

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  10. I know that people usually mean well but so often say something that just tugs a little too much. I remember being astounded that the one person I know who is generally rather selfish and self-focused was the one who looked me deep in the eyes and said how sorry he was when one of my cats died (years ago). It seemed he was the only one who got it. You never know with people but still, I think they mean well. Usually. I'm sorry you're hurting, Friko.

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  11. Dear Friko,
    So sorry, missed a few of your posts so noy just found out about Benno. So sorry for you both, I know how it feels. It will get better. Getting another one soon is a good idea you know, even if it doesn't feel like it yet. Dogs have a remarkable ability to seem like a whole, a conglomeration of love which they all share and pass along. They are cosmic beings, all connected and sharing love. I hope you find another bundle of fluff love!
    Di
    xxxxx

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  12. The first walk down a path that was a favorite to take Benno must have been heartbreakingly sad. The landscape on the walk is beautiful though. Thanks for sharing it with us. As for those you met on the path, they are so like others in life. Sensitivity is just not something they have been able to develop and use when it is needed in social interaction. As least you portrayed these folks with humor.

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  13. Friko, I thank you for letting me know of the 1959 Weeds Act. Without you, I would be ignorant of this legislation. Without you and this well written post, I would not know about folks one might meet when walking around and about Valleys End.

    You really are a marvel. Let us on our two sides of the Atlantic raise a toast to resilience and forbearance.

    xo

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  14. At the risk of offending : Go Bill

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  15. I did not know that ragwort contains toxins but I have not seen them in our yard. It was good that you took a walk in the beautiful landscape around your house – nature heals a bit.

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  16. What lovely flowers, although the walk is tainted by your sad feelings.

    I love the look of ragwort, even though I should pull it out.

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  17. I am so sorry for your loss......I know when I lost my Eddie last year, I thought my heart would break. Even though he was 14+. I still wan't ready for him to go.
    We did go out quite soon, and adopted another rescue, Roy, and we did it in Eddie's memory.
    Eddie led us to him, of that I am sure, and he did an awesome job. Roy is a prince.

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  18. I think our hearts are a bit like your castle meadow. Given time they will revert to their natural state (probably with a few weeds that need to be tossed). Thank heavens for time!

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  19. You describe so well the difficulties of small towns, particularly at those moments when it would be best to remain anonymous. I'm glad you took your walk together, despite the sadness that accompanied you. You did have a lovely day, at least, or so it seems from viewing the photographs. Here, yesterday and even more so today, it's been unbearably humid and hot. I walked at Innisfree Gardens yesterday, but it was so hot I didn't linger, and by the end looked like the proverbial drowned rat (the fishmonger looked at me weirdly, but I forged ahead and bought our salmon for dinner anyway). Today, I ventured outdoors only to retrieve the mail and do a necessary outdoor chore. Have been listening to Schubert's Winterreise, and thought of your post "And how!” once again. Fond wishes to you both, and in fond remembrance of Benno, too.

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  20. Well... now I'm almost afraid to comment for fear of putting my foot in my mouth, something at which I excel. But you know how much I love dogs and can totally empathize with you. So, I will divert by asking a question. Is one of the photos a ragwort? Most of the others are also common across the pond and I recognize but I'm not sure about the ragwort.

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  21. We all know that in time the bitter leaves and only the sweetness of the memories remains. But oh! In the healing time, it feels as if we'll never be happy again. I suppose it's a good thing you're surrounded by characters.

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  22. Well, I hope the wildflowers gave you a bit of joy by their return.

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  23. Some folks just speak words for the sound - not for the content.

    This is our first trip to Alaska without Sasha, who has been gone since lady September. We did not stop at our favorite shoreline along Lake Kluane in the Yukon. - how Sasha would run & chase a stick along there. Such a pang of sadness....maybe on the way home we can..,.

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  24. ah hard first walk after...and in some ways it is nice they noticed...in others i imagine it stung....

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  25. Perhaps this is why we are famous for our solitary quality. We much prefer our own company. Let me only say that our hearts are with you in this time, Friko-



    Aloha from Honolulu
    Comfort Spiral
    <(-'.'-)>

    > < } } ( ° >

    > < } } (°>

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  26. People can be a bit insensitive, even though they mean well. Don't hold it against them. When my husband died, a neighbour came over to "cheer me up" and did nothing but tell me about her mother's death. That really helped...

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  27. Hello:
    One of the things we have never regretted about leaving the small community in which we lived in Herefordshire is the escape from all the well wishers and advice givers who inevitably abound in a place where most people know each other. For the most part, in the circumstances in which you find yourself without Benno, people make a genuine attempt to be kind, feeling the need to say something when nothing might actually prove to be more sensitive and less painful.

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  28. An older couple in our village always did exactly what Bill did - a little indecently I often thought. One dog would die, the next day back down to the Greyhound Trust to get another one; it didn't seem quite right to me, but perhaps I am guilty of being too sentimental about pets sometimes. When my current cat pops off I really don't think I'll get replacement (famous last words)

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  29. I meant to add that ragwort is very much like Tansy (which I grew in my garden) and got not exactly death threats but something akin to for. There is a rare caterpillar which feeds exclusively on ragwort ( proving that "one mans fish is another mans poisson") so it always makes me a little sad that everyone tries to destroy it.

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  30. Love the photos. Ragwort is sometimes called Stinking Willie here. It is also a noxious weed. Your country side is gorgeous and you photograph it so well. The purple tall flower (which I think is fireweed) is also an invasive in some states in this country. One man's weed... Love your description of the characters that populate your village. It is so much like a Detective Barnaby scene from that mystery series! I agree that you should probably get another dog if you are not healing well from this sad time in your lives. Animals are healers.

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  31. Frico, your walk around the Valley distracts you from sad thoughts
    The nature treats.
    I like pictures with blue bells!
    It reminds me of my childhood, we, kids, collected them in bunches for our moms.

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  32. Herrliche Aufnahmen aus einer tollen Landschaft...

    Lieben Gruß
    CL

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  33. If I were you, Friko, I’d like people to leave me alone, though I know they speak with kind heart. I myself would say platitude to those who are in mourning when I can’t find words.

    What beautiful flowering meadow and slopes! This is one of the scenes I love the most and you are so fortunate to be able to see this lovely landscape if only you go out. Benno must have enjoyed this walk, too, and must be remembering as his fond memory in another world now. From my experience, the first year would be tough as you remember each season you shared with. Take your time in healing.

    Yoko

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  34. Friko, a momentous day fuelled with significance. Your Benno seems still so much a reality that it is difficult just yet to regard him as a memory. Does that sound odd?

    The wild flowers were delightful and I understand too well the dreaded ragwort. We had it to contend with in our area of Tasmania when we were farming. There, it was declared a noxious weed as well.

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  35. A difficult first walk, but you took it. Communities where everyone knows each other and their business can be a mix that isn't always pleasant. Still, the differences in people can be interesting as your descriptions of your encounters reveal. Enjoyed your photos -- a good focus from the underlying sadness you must have felt.

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  36. Hug them all and tell them to just shut up and hug you back.

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  37. What a beautiful series of photos!! Though a beautiful walk, it was tinged with sadness. So sorry
    Hugging you both
    SueAnn

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  38. Well, I am not always the most sensitive person, but I feel your pain and even laughed at your friend Bill. Imagine trying to fool anyone about your hair when you are 90. Having said that, I just might get a wig if I lose much more hair. Dianne

    PS I agree with him about taking on an old dog.

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  39. Dear Friko, My heart is sad for you, and the loss of your beloved Benno. Reading this post caused me to relive the pain of previous losses. Luckily, my Nikki is laying stretched out a few feet from me, but I know the day will come when she will no longer be my constant companion.

    Grieving with you, and sending thoughts of peaceful days to come in your beautiful corner of the world.

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  40. This walk, viewed through the eyes of grief, reminds me of the off-kilter feeling I get when my own world is turned upside down yet life around me continues normally.

    Someone has already written about the healing power of nature. I trust you will take this walk often and find solace in beauty and memory.

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  41. I'm so sorry about the loss of Benno. Our Tilly died, it'll be two years in October and we still have not got another dog. I couldn't bear to for a while and it hasn't seemed the right time since. But you'll know when it is, so will I, replacement isn't the point.

    We pull out ragwort from our field, we've been doing so the last couple of weeks when it's been in flower, so easy to spot, but not seeding yet. The field that is cut for hay didn't have any at all this year, relentless weeding seems to have worked!

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  42. Having loved and lost pets, I can empathize with your grief and how that walk must have been, but, I also have to marvel at your wit, Friko You did make me laugh aloud over here, at Bill's toupee slipping and twitching his neck in "military fashion" along with Harriet's place in the neighborhood toolbox.

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  43. Like your previous poster, some of this made me laugh. Especially Harriet's comment. That's life. Bittersweet.

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  44. Such a beautiful walk -- and I still can't get over the pure magic of the phrase 'a walk round the castle.'

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  45. I also see you have that Purple Strife (not sure of UK name) which has now invaded us here in NL and demolished all the lovely wild lupines.
    It is such a slow healing, the recovery from the diminishment and the loss of a beloved. Part of it never leaves. And that's the best part.
    With you in this time.
    {{{{Friko}}}}
    XO
    WWW

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  46. Thank you
    for letting me visit
    your world.
    Yes, people can be insensitive
    makes me all the more determined
    to be sensitive to those who
    cross my path.
    Special memories
    never leave....

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  47. What beautiful pictures. Which one was the ragwort?

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  48. Ragwort aside, the scrub has a tough and tender beauty. I sometimes think of us and the ones we love as wildflowers: growing where and while we can for a brief time, maybe seen, maybe not, each with individual beauty and yet common.

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  49. Oh, dear. First, your meadow is beautiful (even with the dread ragwort). Second, I don't know which is the funnier/sadder: Bill's toupee or Harriet's sincere "now you have to go with each other?" Terrible, these unintentional jokes.

    Benno was with you, you know.

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  50. That's a very lovely "walk to the shops!"
    People never know how to react at these times .... the ones who lunge at you and give you a hug are the worst . But they all mean well .

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  51. All the comments, well meaning but hurtful. People really do want to help but sometimes, well sometimes their comments turn the knife. I am learning, be it ever so slowly to just listen.

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  52. My neighbor recently lost one of her Shih tzus. She'd cared for her dog for sixteen years and, within a month, she was diagnosed with cancer and perished after three nightmarish days on the heels of her first treatment. She was a tiny, well-loved dog. Seeing her the night before she passed was heartbreaking and extremely difficult. The next morning when my neighbor called asking me to go with her to the people who would cremate her beloved girl, my daughter and I were in utter shock. It was very unexpected.

    What surprised us more, though, was that not less than a week later, my neighbor had gone to the shelter and got a new, very similar dog. I think that the grieving process is very private and unique for each person. Impossible to know just what will contribute to healing for one person and will simply prove an impediment for another.

    I rather liked your portrait of Bill. He seems someone I wouldn't mind meeting on a walk.

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  53. From the ragwort to "having to" go out with one another, to the dead gerbil on Bill's head, altogether a wonderful read, Friko. My heart is heavy when I think of Benno, but now you have both done the walk round the castle, and perhaps the first time is the worst time.
    People do mean well when they tell you to get another dog immediately, but I believe a dog will appear, as did Benno, when the time is right. That is probably another of those cliché things to say, of course, because platitudes are only born of long (and sincere) usage.
    The wildflower photos are lovely. Would the ragwort have to be eradicated before sheep could graze there again?
    K

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  54. Your walk is beautiful. It's hard, though, isn't it -- meeting up with others who don't quite know how to say it. I don't know how many times I've been told to get another cat in the three months since Gypsy left. I will. But not now. Not yet. I've been working on a post about him, more for me than anyone else to read. The things you could do that you couldn't do with a pet. I'd go back in a heartbeat to have him back with me. Dear Friko, your loss is so much more recent, every step must be different. How I ache for you.

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  55. Hi Friko - I had trouble containing my laughter in the silent only part of the library! with Harriet's remark .. 'so you have to go out with each other now - that's sad' .... brilliant remark from Harriet -

    However having said that ..what a great walk and I love the wildflowers/meadow land - ragwort must be a major problem .. it is everywhere ...

    Enjoy your quiet walks of togetherness ... with thoughts Hilary

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