Wednesday 18 July 2012

S&P*L$U^TT*E_R)&@^R^A+G=E=@**SIGH

Everything is going wrong.

Benevolent gods keeping home and hearth safe, the kindly spirits supposed to look after our animals, and the guardian angels we thought we could personally rely on, all have forsaken us. We have been abandoned and left to fend for ourselves in the teeth of bitter winds blowing through the threadbare fabric of our house, exposing us to the whims and wiles of builders and plumbers, veterinary surgeons and medical practitioners.

Where to start? At the beginning, when the dark clouds gathered above us - concentrating most unkindly on my innocent head and sending me into my old familiar black hole - I ignored the signs. Depression does that, it allows you to feel miserable in peace, whatever else is happening around you is of secondary importance next to your own overwhelming melancholia and inertia. But then the dog, who had been breathing hard and coughing for a while, became worse. "Hayfever", said I and the vet agreed. But antihistamines didn't work. "He needs steroids," said the vet.

The house too had been sending out distress signals for a while. Mainly the aroma of damp and mould. Kelly came, rummaged in the broom cupboard to extricate the vacuum cleaner from the narrow space and asked, "Have you noticed the wet patch on the wall in here?" I try to use the broom cupboard as little as I can, that's her job, but yes, there was a large wet patch, and to judge by the marks, it had been growing for a few weeks. "Talking of wet patches", Kelly continued, ever keen to be of use, "the bit in the cupboard under the eaves is growing too. You should have it checked out with all the rain we've had."

"Rain damage?" Beloved's ears pricked up. Although his hearing is not what it was, the possibility of insurance cover miraculously restored it - only temporarily, of course; he still holds an imaginary trumpet to his ear every time I address him with a polite request for a small favour. Alas, the insurance company sent their assessor who turned us down flat. "This leak is of long-standing", he said, (or should that be 'long-running'?), not our responsibility". Builders called and sucked in their breath through their teeth, hard. "It'll cost you", they said. "And have you noticed how rotten the window frames on this side of the house are?" Nothing if not helpful, these builders. Yes, we had noticed, but we'd been hoping that the problem might go away if we didn't examine it too closely. After all, there's more to life than studying the frames of eight large windows, which might, or might not, need mending or replacing.

Benno got sicker. Was it the effect of taking steroids? He is the cleanest dog imaginable, but desperate to get from upstairs to a door to the outside,  he dribbled diarrhoea all down the stairs and finally abandoned all attempts at civilised toilet habits on the oriental rug in the downstairs hall. He was so very ill and unhappy, he broke my heart. The stairs have been cleaned, the rug was hosed off in the garden and is now awaiting the sun gods to dry it. Benno is still very poorly, his breathing is rough and he still has the runs. Even a diet of boiled rice, chicken breast fillet and boiled eggs hasn't had any effect. Tomorrow morning he is off to the vet's for x-rays and tests under anaesthetic. Naturally I've consulted Google for possible ailments, laryngeal paralysis is the most obvious candidate for a labrador of his age. I am not happy. I've already spent an hour howling and it hasn't even happened yet.

The good news story is by no means over, my GP (doctor) demanded my presence at the surgery. "I don't like the result of your kidney tests much", she said. (SHE doesn't like them, what about me?) Twenty five years ago I had kidney failure, but have been in remission, without any problems, for about twenty years. "I think we'll keep an eye on the protein in your pee" (only she said urine, being a doctor); which means, that to supply her with a regular sample, I have to pee into a jug and siphon off a dribble into a tiny vial provided for the purpose. At least I get a short walk in, taking the vial to the surgery. The woman also complained that I wasn't getting enough exercise now, what with the dog being old, Beloved crippled with arthritis and my computer duties having taken the place of regular, healthy, outdoor activity. That is, when I'm not stuck down that black hole ignoring the computer.

I tell you, fellow bloggers and dear readers, there's never a dull moment in this house. In all the excitement I've even dragged myself out of that black hole, but I'm only just sitting on the edge and it'll take no more than a slight shifting of the buttocks to slip right back in.



66 comments:

  1. Oh Friko,
    To heck with damp and rot for now. My thoughts are with you and Benno.

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  2. Dull moments would be welcome in your situation. Thinking of you and yours. Hoping the rain stops and the sun shines mightily.

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  3. Oh dear Friko, ah neglect..it catches up with us all and our windows....
    go forward and repair what you can....It's Benno....that breaks the heart and sends us into darkness...our beloved pets......You do what you can....you relieve as much suffering as you can...then you let go .... you love them to the other side
    I am very concerned about your kidney now...take care of yourself...What's a little peeing in a jar? You're tough stuff...easy peasy gal......
    Glad you are giving the finger to the darkness.....hug dear woman hang in there....seek a speck of beauty....but don't move that gorgeous butt of yours
    stay in light.....and all will be well.....we luv you Friko

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  4. ugh...dang...you def have reason...i am glad you drug yourself out though...i hope a little light finds you today....

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  5. Oh dear. I've been at the edge of that black hole a time or two, Friko, and I'm sorry to hear of these woes. Thoughts of Benno, you, and all come floating across the big pond to you.

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  6. Seems a little too much happening in your world at the minute Friko, the hole looks inviting but keep that butt still girl. Love and thoughts for you and Benno.

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  7. Oh dear. Have strength and know that there are so many of us who feel that we know you, just a little, and we do care a lot. Sweet Benno. It's no wonder that you feel depressed, but hang in there; it will pass.

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  8. I think it's time to make a list, rank it by importance, and start chipping away. I believe window frames may be near the end of it. Take of yourself first.

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  9. Why do problems seem to arrive in bundles? Take care of your dear Benno and our dear Friko! Wish I had a magic wand.

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  10. What's that again about troubles and battalions? Never single file. Wish they were. But no one promised us that.

    Poor dear Benno. That is the very worst. Hate that bit.

    Sending you love and a virtual flashlight for that black hole. Shining the light in is a start.

    Take your time.

    XO
    WWW

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  11. Sorry to hear of all your troubles Friko. Sometimes there seems to be a rush of dark clouds that seem stubborn re moving on. Why can't there be sunshine everyday?

    Thoughts are with you and hope Benno improves.

    Kind regards

    Anna. xxx

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  12. The many dealings and hand outs of life - oh yes! It is not that we are asking to walk on pink clouds all the time, that would be quite unbearable too - those are surely only for the occasional sparkling super happy moments of our being - BUT, we would just like some decency. Some scattering of the problems, not to get showered with them, not to receive them in bunches and bundles. Oh je! We are prepared to handle a lot, we are very willing, yes we are - BUT sometimes it is just to much! Then melancholy is often the starter, even pleasurable on occasions, just to hide in it, it is obviously the easiest part of the happenings. When depression sets in, the urge to fight back is mostly lost. Of course there are the standard advises, and you being a wise and educated woman know them all - cheer up, after the rain comes the sun (this you HAVE to believe), exercise, drink green tea, count your blessings (ha?), get medicine, go for walks, enjoy nature, get counsel, seek help, and on and on - oh yes, you know that all and more! But when it comes to something living and beloved to us, being not well, being sick and suffering, being in danger of getting lost, it gets to be so sad, that the troubles with the butt start...
    I could turn to all the cliches Friko, stay putt, keep your head up, take care of it, don't loose hope, see the above - but in the end it comes to gathering the strength inside you, to pull out the battery in the storage, the reserves - I wish for you that you will be able to do that!
    Maybe that big hug I give you right now helps a tiny little bit! A dear stroking to Benno and friendly regards to your husband!

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  13. Well dear Friko I have been feeling down and out, morose and sad, since last Sunday. So I thought I would take a look at your blog to cheer me up…..

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  14. Dig your fingers into the edge of that hole and hold on, Friko. Just hang on.
    Poor Benno - every dog lover will feel for him and for you. Your Beloved's irritating ability to hear the things he wants to hear is a gift shared by many men d'un certain age....in my opinion....with all due respect to men everywhere...

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  15. Dear Friend! My kitty is ill, and old as well. My dear husband is older than I'd like. . . . and I know so well the dark hole....Yes, to see those we love hurting is a bit of hell. To experience our own trajectory takes ones breath quite away. THIS is why I must be silly and kind and bury myself in the computer sometimes.

    And yet, it all makes today so TREMBLINGLY important, and sweet.

    Today you reached me, and others too. We feel it.
    Tomorrow my kitty will see the vet, then she, Benno, our beloveds
    and ourselves
    shall steadily improve.

    So help me!


    Warmest Aloha to you, FRIKO

    from Honolulu
    Comfort Spiral
    <(-'.'-)>

    > < } } ( ° >

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  16. Hang on, Friko, don't let that hole suck you back in (though it is so easy, like slipping into water). Will keep Benno, and you, in my thoughts. Four-legged, or two-, it is difficult to watch a loved one suffer. Please remember to take care of YOU, too.

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  17. I can only imagine how that hole must be gnawing at you. Life's strange, really; it's either a downpour of catastrophes or it's nothing at all.
    Take good care of yourself and I hope Benno feels better soon, that poor, poor thing. I will be thinking about you all.

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  18. Was bleibt in solchen Situationen ist nur die Hoffnung und der Glaube, möge sich alles wieder zum guten wenden...

    Lieben Gruß
    CL

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  19. Oh Friko it is so horrid when everything goes wrong. And a beloved pet being ill is so upsetting. I do hope that the vets can come up with something helpful. I try not to self diagnose via the internet, or even diagnose for someone else, though. I feel that these vets and docs don't study like maniacs for many years totally in vain and they probably really do know more than us!

    Houses ... I'm starting to think it would be rather pleasant to live in a completely plastic house. Assuming the plastic wasn't biodegradable, obviously.

    I hope better times come soon

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  20. Frico, I hope your depression is over and you help the dog get better because he also looks forward to your help.
    You need people around you and the dog!

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  21. "It never rains but it pours" seems the most appropriate thing to say at the moment Friko!

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  22. Oh no Friko! Sounds like you need to take a holiday, somewhere hot where you can get the sun on your body. This UK weather is enough to make the most non depressed person depressed. I know what you mean about the damp smell and your leaking house, try living on a boat which leaks like a sieve.

    Apparently, the sun is coming this weekend :-)
    Enjoy.
    Di
    X

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  23. I am so sorry, so truly sorry for the flood of troubles. I hope it's like a knot in yarn . . . looks impossible but can be pulled apart and fixed, bit by bit, until it can all be knitted into a nice cozy whatever.
    The house surely can be fixed, although the whole thing's a gigantic pain in the nether regions.
    I am concerned about your liver and Benno. Please do post updates.

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  24. Hugging you...you need a nice vaca for sure!!
    SueAnn

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  25. so sorry to hear of all the troubles. do troubles really all come at once or does it just seem that way when we don't have the energy to deal with it. reaching across to give you a hand to hold onto so you don't slip back into the hole.

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  26. You'll keep yourself going for Benno who needs you.
    I hope you get all the support you need for you.

    Wilfully deaf husbands and insurance companies who are legally authorised thieves are always with us it seems to me...

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  27. I hope it's all looking slightly less gruesome today .
    As for the windows .... builders love saying things like that . Best to ignore them and concentrate on one thing at a time .

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  28. Oh, Friko! I'm so glad that you dragged yourself far enough away from the edge of the black hole to let us know what's going on. I'm so sorry about your medical concerns, the mold in the house and, most all, poor Benno! I can understand your howling in anticipatory grief. It's so hard to see beloved animal companions get so ill and approach the end of their lives. It always seems to come so soon. Please know my thoughts are with you.

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  29. Here, take my hand, I will pull you up to here in the sunshine. Don't expect me to be sympathetic when it begins to cook you like a roast turkey and you complain of the dry dusty air, though. On a serious note, mold and damp walls are not anything to ignore. Get thee to a contractor. This could even be affecting the dog.

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  30. So very very sorry to read of all these troubles besetting you and all at once too. This is indeed a dark time for you, and I know the weather is not helping one bit. Here are hopes and good wishes for better days soon -- and much love. Anne

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  31. Ah, Friko. Is it wrong to tell you, through all your troubles, that I love how you write, the words you use to describe your travails?

    I am wishing you only the best, even from way over here, and I am hoping that dear Benno feels better soon.

    Pearl

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  32. Sometimes the shit piles high. So very sorry to hear of all the troubles. I'll sit quietly on the edge of the black hole with you for a good long while...and say prayers for you, Benno, and the house. *hugs*

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  33. My heart aches for you, and for your sweet Benno, so like my Nikki. Here's wishing and hoping that knowing you're being held up and cared about, albeit from afar, will ease your struggles. Take care, especially of Benno and your own health. If needed pay someone to fix those damp spots and those windows before things worsen!

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  34. God bless you Friko. Your situation reminds me of my uncle and his old house and dog. He surveyed everything decaying around him, including himself in the mirror, and concluded, "To hell with it. I think we'll all go on the same day." You know what? They did. There's some kind of sublime beauty in that.

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  35. Where to begin on listing my sympathies for your is a dilemma because you have way to much going on in that house where you all live. Mostly, I hope that you have fully climbed out of that sink hole of depression. There are many out there sending good thoughts your way. Next, I am just really heartbroken to read about Benno being sick. Those dear dogs mean so much to us. I am hoping for the best there.

    Houses, they are just such a bother sometimes. Leaky roof, windows that need repairs, and all those other things that require a lot of money and are no fun to fix. The worst part is, we can't ignore them because then they go from bad to worse. We've had our trials on this house with such things.

    Mostly, I am concerned about your health. You take care of yourself. Focus on getting you fixed first. All the others will then just fall into line.

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  36. I love this post because it is very very interesting.Thanks you very much for shearing this article

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  37. Frenetic. That's what I am to stay out of the Black Hole forever, which in my case led to EST and hospital at one point. I stay busy.

    We have had some rain and much drought in the States, poor farmers. Garden is sad.

    Old Dog is doing okay despite her 17 years. She has a coughing spell every now and then and we give her Turbutol daily. Vet says some dogs have a collapsing trachea. I suppose everything wears out eventually. Sorry about Benno.

    House repairs? Our porch roof was partially destroyed in the Derecho two weeks ago. My SIL came over to fix it. We all need help from time to time. Take care and love to you. Miss you when you are away. Dianne.

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  38. Sorry about your myriad travails, Friko. The only wisdom here is the old biblical adage, "This, too, shall pass." Be well, my friend, and when nothing else works, just move forward one small step. In these situations, which have plagued my own family and household from time to time, I have found that it's futile to look for the grand solution to everything. The most that can be done is too just keep moving forward. Trouble need not be sought, they say, for it will always find you. Happiness, on the other hand, must be created.

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  39. I know what you mean about the need to keep busy. I've been trying to do that today as well. Sorry to hear about all the troubles and trials........ I am just catching up with blogs after a holiday following the better weather.

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  40. Dear Friko, I know about that "hole." The darkness of it. The way one can hardly breathe within it. The despair that drips like acid from its walls. For me that depression lasted ten years. Then when I got Meniere's, I lost my hope of living. It was then I began to say--over and over and over and over again throughout the day and the wee hours of the morning and the dark of night--"And all shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be exceedingly well." Little changed in my life, but the words said quietly within my head or by my lips had the power to still the dark voices that yammered within me.

    All of this is to say that I grieve for you right now. And that I send you the healing white light of Presence. Peace.

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  41. Aargh! Terrible! And here we are, just back home yesterday, still basking in the glow of our wonderful visit with you--would that we could turn the clock back to that sunny and carefree afternoon. A package, BTW, is coming your way, to arrive shortly, if not there already. Perhaps it can provide a bit of cheer amidst it all.

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  42. I'm so sorry the clouds have so encompassed you. I have missed your posts lately and wondered if times were being difficult for you and yours. Hopefully the sunshine that has been forecast will lift some of the gloom and better days are on the horizon.

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  43. "...but we'd been hoping that the problem might go away if we didn't examine it too closely." If this were only the answer, Friko, dear. But the teeth clamp down ever so hard, don't they? We are all on watch. Watch we pray, is better than the alternative.

    Interestingly, I just wrote post wherein my doctor said, "The internet is the worst thing to ever happen to doctors." (Or something like that.) And probably to Vets, too! I'm addicted to searching Google for every ailment that arises. It does nothing but make me more anxious. Stop reading Google. But listen to your doctors. Watch. I wish you and your family well, dear Friko.

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  44. Bummer. I was only away a week, how much can happen? I don't even know where to start. Everything here sounds bad and sad. By now, maybe you have a better idea of what's wrong with Benno? At this end of a dog's life, it's okay to boohoo a little everyday I think. Whether from bad news or from relief that he's turned another corner. God knows I did it myself. As for you, don't move that buttock okay? Sending you a big hug and peace because there's nothing much else I can do.

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  45. Oh dear! But at least it has finally stopped raining! That is bound to help dry your damp, improve your mood, and it might even cheer up poor Benno. I'm thinking of you...

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  46. Oh dear. I'm so sorry for everything that is overwhelming you. Take a firm grip of my hand. We can't have you falling over that edge again. Here's a thought for your vet's and your consideration. Might the dampness be causing mold in your home and might that be causing Benno's symptoms? Just a thought.

    I'll keep you and yours in my best thoughts, Friko.

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  47. This is truly a time of just too much stuff at once. Like you I'm spending too much time NOT moving and am starting to feel it.
    That your pet is unwell hurts but then you must care for yourself too. Please have the hold in your home checked. It might be triggering your body's immune struggles too.

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  48. Came back to see if there was any fresher news.
    I depart hoping that no news is good news.

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  49. I hate it when there's no good news and I'm on the edge of losing it.

    Hopefully the dog has improved.

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  50. Oh Friko - things do wrong they go wrong .. I do just hope Benno will be diagnosed and you'll have him back with you ... a ghastly time to be going through - no wonder life is challenging.

    Now the 'leaking walls' are a great challenge and I sure hope the builders can do a decent job for you .. and get it fixed.

    Perhaps with some sun - it'll let in some light and warmth .. I hope you hold up - my thoughts to you all - and big hugs to you .. Hilary

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  51. Poor Benno. I hope he's better. Poor you. Hope you are better. Please crawl away from the edge. Thinking of you.

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  52. Must be something in the air....or universe. I do hope that things settle down and in for you. So sad and scarey about your sweet pup!

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  53. I'm so sorry that you're having to cope with so much strain and sadness at the moment, Friko. I hope you're managing not to slip back into that dark place and that the advent of a little sunshine may warm both your house and your spirit. Steroids made me feel dreadful and I guess they can do the same to a dog.

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  54. I see Hilary beat me to the suggestion that perhaps the mold is affecting Benno. I remember so well what it was like after Tropical Storm Allison, when we lost a house to flood. The mold grew so quickly, and was difficult to breathe. Perhaps it even was toxic in large doses. If you have any damp places it might be worth giving them a spritz with bleach while you're deciding on the next step. It will kill those naughty little spores.

    Do you know the American cartoon character Joe Btfsplk? He was part of Lil Abner, drawn by Al Capp. He wandered around with a black cloud over his head - a state of affairs you clearly understand. I hope your black cloud has departed or is departing and that we'll soon have good news of Benno and you - and the leaky places, too, for all that!

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  55. Oh, dear -- trouble comes in battalions sometimes. And it breaks my heart to hear about Benno.

    Hoping things improve soon, Friko!

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  56. Ich war einige Tage weg und lese jetzt Deine traurige Geschichte hier. Ich hoffe, dass sich alles irgendwie im Guten regeln konnte. Lass bald von Dir hören und ich wünsche Dir das Bestmögliche, natürlich!
    Alles Liebe!
    Renée

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  57. i know that dark hole all too well...

    Builders get special lessons in sucking air through their teeth - its a fact

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  58. Alas and woe. So sorry to read of all these problems. I empathise with the damp problems, having a rotten floor myself and there being no point in making enquiries of the insurance company. I hope the sympathy and support of all your friends, blogging and otherwise, help get you through all these dire problems.

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  59. What is that old adage? It never rains but it pours? Sounds as if you're being poured on literally and figuratively! Hope poor Benno recovers and lives for years, that the water and window sill rot get mended for less than proposed and that both your health and Beloved's improve soon! Should that not happen, don't move... that black hole is a trap!

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  60. I came back to re-read and finally "got" your post title. Very clever, you are! And I'm hoping improvement's coming to you and Benno both.

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  61. Hello:
    What use are we, coming at least five days after, or worse, into, this series of serious and very depressing happenings? We are so very sorry, but what use is that? We could offer to help, but in what way? And situated as we are, some 1,500 miles away it sounds rather hollow. Again useless.

    Where Benno is concerned, we do so hope that the diagnosis will not be too serious. But, if need be, then what available money there is must be thrown at the vet and most certainly not at the builders. We did that for our cats and learnt to live fairly happily with damp, dry rot and window frames liable to fall out at any time. But they did not, as we are certain yours will not.

    For yourself, seek all the aid that the NHS has to offer. We have spent years [and by 'we' we do mean all of us] paying in and propping up the system and now is pay back time. And in really black moments be assured of the love and friendship of all those in the Blogosphere to whom you matter.

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  62. Sheeeesh! What can I say except I hope that your luck changes for the better very soon.

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  63. Oh, Friko, what a dreadful time you've been having. I can relate to much of it -- especially Benno's issues, having not that long ago been dealing with Gypsy's problems. And the house -- I've had the mod and leaky basement (so far, so good since the repair, but you never know...) and the poor yard is dying every day with our drought. But nothing seems quite so tough as this -- one of those "if it can go wrong, it will" bits. I'm so sorry, but I read in your words a sense of humor and especially grace, which -- at times like this -- can be hard to manage but indeed a lifesaver. Sending good vibes your way on your tests and Benno's, too.

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  64. Friko, read your sharing and do not comment often. I am so sorry for all that is going on and can relate. Have thought of writing something similar where I share
    but have not. One day at a time and moment by moment. Thinking of you and take care of yourself. The rest will fall in place. We will not fall into some deep dark hole - we will hold on to each other.

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  65. You can't know it, but you've been deeply in my thoughts this past week. I hope the clouds part soon.

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  66. What a lead-up you have had. Oh my -- I'm so sorry for it all.

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