Thursday 21 June 2012

Presents



Present: something given or received as a gift. OED

I'm not sure I like gifts, but  I like to receive them more than I like to give them. It's easier. All the same, I am happy to do without them. It was different when I was young; there were few gifts then, other than at Christmas or my birthday; I had wish lists, usually of books, and would have been very disappointed not to receive them. As an adult I no longer think 'presents' are important. By presents, I don't mean tokens of appreciation, they are essential between people in any kind of worthwhile relationship. I suppose we all have different attitudes in such matters. I find present giving difficult; there are few people whom I know well enough to choose a present they will truly value, all other presents are a waste of time and money. It takes me a long time and much searching to find a gift for those I love; I take present-giving rather seriously. Receiving is easier, I can make suitable noises of appreciation and frequently mean them.

I was reminded of the whole present-giving business because it was our birthday last week. Beloved's eyesight has been deteriorating for several years now and he finds reading small print difficult. So what is he given for a present? : a book or three, to add to the pile waiting to be picked up. I am lactose intolerant; people know this. When deciding what to give me, they go out and order an expensive handmade cake with lemon curd and handmade chocolate truffles. Beloved is a civilised sort of chap, his reply to the giver of an unwanted present is invariably: "how very thoughtful of you". The giver is much moved by this praise and redoubles his/her efforts to give even more of this kind of gift on the next occasion. I view my gift with a slightly less polite expression on my face; putting some heartfelt regret into my voice, I say something like :"oh dear, how very kind of you, but I am sorry, I can't eat this".

A friend of mine with very little money used to give me 'useful' things, small, inexpensive gadgets. I collected them in a box, where they joined other such items from other people. Recently I was able to pass them on, unused and mainly still in their original wrapping, to a dog charity. The lady was very pleased; "we'll keep these for Christmas, we should be able to sell them well", she said. This means that some other poor soul will be given photograph coasters and a set of cheese cutting/slicing knives.

If I have no idea what to give but a present must be made, I ask. You may accuse me of being sensible to a fault, but I promise to go out and find the requested present, come what may. Surely that's better than guessing and getting it wrong? Of course, it would be kinder if you didn't ask for anything that takes a lot of effort finding.

Having got this rant off my chest there's one thing which remains to be said: I received a very prettily packed parcel from a fellow blogger and friend Renee and inside I found this unusual gift: a calligraphy pen and a small bottle of ink. I have been practising my calligraphy but I have a long way to go before I get anywhere near proficiency in, much less mastery of, the art. The one thing I won't do is put this gift into the waiting-for-a-suitable-recipient-box.




67 comments:

  1. What a thoughtful gift from Rene! As for the rest-I hope your friends sign up and read your blog. It certainly would be easier on everyone! Btw, do you share a birthday-day with Beloved?
    PS Happy birthday!
    If I were closer, I'd bring you flowers :)

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    1. Within two days; we always celebrate for three days, we include the 'empty' day in between.

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  2. Beschenkt zu werden, ja, ich denke mal es ist so eine Art Problem, vielleicht auch eher Unsicherheit gerade von den Generationen die nicht in dem heutigen Wohlstand aufgewachsen sind.
    Meine Eltern hatten auch nicht viel Geld, aber 4 Kinder, da waren Geschenke schon immer etwas besonderes, sie wurden ganz anders behandelt wie es heute oft der Fall ist.
    Als Kind, na ja, kaum Geld gehabet, da wurde halt etwas gebastelt. So etwas gibt es heute ja nur noch recht selten...
    Aber, es ist natürlich auch noch ein anderes Kriterium darin, es gibt im Leben Menschen denen es von besonderem Wert ist jemandem ein Geschenk zu machen. Was und warum auch immer, es ist ihnen meistens dann eine Herzensangelegenheit, und das sind meiner Meinung nach die wertvollsten Geschenke...

    Lieben Gruß
    CL

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    1. Bei uns war bestimmt kein Geld am Anfang, daher erwartete ich auch kaum Geschenke. Ich habe mich nie an grosse Geschenke gewoehnen koennen. Ich wusste immer genau, was ich wollte und wuenschte mir daher eher entweder das Geld dafuer oder ich habe genau beschrieben, was es sein sollte.

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  3. Hello:
    We rather think that we may be at two different ends of the spectrum when it comes to presents. We love them. Receiving them has us in fits of delight, ripping off any wrapping with gusto!Giving them makes us almost sick with anticipation, so anxious are we that the gift will be exactly what he/she always wanted.....but never thought to ask!!

    Why this should be, we have really no idea. We have always received more than our fair share of presents and, hopefully, we should be regarded as generous givers of gifts.But,each gift giving occasion and each present receiving moment is something in our eyes to be treasured whether the gift is useful or useless, big or small,glorious or ghastly, it matters not!!

    However, we have to confess to an exception. Our wedding presents, almost in their entirety, were placed in a garage sale and sold in two hours. We remember fondly now the plated sherry set.......now we have acquired a taste for sherry!!

    Thank you so much for your very kind comment on our latest post. We were touched deeply by your words. We shall keep a watching eye on Valley's End......until we next meet in the virtual world. Take care!

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    1. I am sure any present you choose will be a most suitable one and someone who loves receiving as much as you do would be easy to give to.

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  4. Liebe Friko!
    Heute ist der erste Tag, an dem ich Zeit habe, ein wenig in den Blogs zu lesen und die Ueberraschung hier war nun wirklich sehr gross! Vielen Dank für dieses schöne Bild und Deine so liebenswerten Zeilen, aber auch für Deine Ehrlichkeit! Nun bin ich aber sehr erleichtert, dass das Geschenk Dir so gut gefällt, aber ich dachte mir, dass es passend für jemanden sei, der die Sprache, das Lesen und das Schreiben so sehr liebt wie Du. Das Geschenk stammt aus meinem liebsten Geschäft in Trier. Oft gehe ich einfach nur einmal dadurch, ohne etwas zu kaufen. Auch die Verkäuferin ist sehr freundlich und ganz besonders.
    Nochmals vielen Dank! Wie ich mich freue!
    Dir eine gute Nacht und bis bald!
    Renée

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    1. Na siehste, da haben wir's beide richtig hin gekriegt. Es freut mich, dass du dich freust.

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  5. This is a timely post for me as I'll be attending a cousin's wedding shower on Sunday, for which I need to purchase gift #2 of 3 for this union. The first was an engagement party last year and the third will of course be the wedding in August. I'm a bit miffed. I think holding two events in addition to the wedding is a bit much to ask your family and friends to attend, with gift in tow. On the plus side, I don't have to wonder what they want. I only need figure out how much to spend. They have a gift registry at a major department store and I can order online.

    Ordinarily, I enjoy shopping for what I deem to be the ideal gift for someone but perhaps the recipients feel otherwise despite their kind show of appreciation. Thanks for this perspective.

    A belated Happy Birthday to you and your Beloved.

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    1. The young couple obviously need to set up a household and this is their way of making sure that they'll get what they need. I agree with you, I'd be a bit taken aback too.

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  6. My mother abhors waste, and never buys presents for anyone (including her kids!). I always felt a bit cheated, coming from a small family with no grandparents and never getting presents. Now I'm older and wiser, I appreciate my mother's stance on gift-giving, but cannot fully embrace her view.
    A 'token' gift, such as a ghastly set of shower gel and body lotion, can feel like an insult. For my 22nd birthday, my ex mother-in-law gave me a size 18 blouse with the price label still attached. It had been reduced no less than 4 times in the sale, was a revolting shade of dirty mustard, and I was size 12 at the time! It made a cracking duster.

    The best gifts are those given for no special reason, just because someone thought of you. Some of my most treasured possessions were sent to me by fellow bloggers who I've never met.
    Keep up the calligraphy, proper ink and quality paper speaks volumes when something as simple as 'Thank-you' is written down.

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    1. That blouse really was an insult. I'd have kept it as a reminder of how not to give.

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  7. I wish I had some artistic skill. I would make gifts, they are the best kind. I have given gifts I made, but they were not always appreciated. My daughter is the best person for showing gratitude for any gift, God love her. I am not. David gave me a mink teddy bear our first Christmas and I gave him a lecture on mink farming. He seldom gives me gifts any more, and I like it like that. Money is better, and that's what I give my grandchildren. My kids get a nice card from me, which I am sure ends up somewhere in a box. When I had a stroke, the co-workers gave me a gift certificate to the local nursery and a 3-month subsciption to a movie rental service. I loved the garden certificate, but need nothing so saved it for later use, and caught up on movies with the latter.

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    1. People so often get it wrong, if only they'd spend a little time thinking about the recipient, they'd find a suitable gift.

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  8. I do like to receive presents if I am asked specifically what I would like to have. I am thrilled if I get things that I really need but don't buy for myself because of a shortage of money. It would be great if people would always consult your wish list.

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    1. Exactly, it's only common sense as well as thoughtfulness.

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  9. Just like Jane and Lance, I love both ends - to give and to receive presents.
    Most of my friends are sensible enough to ask what I'd like, as they did when I sent out the invitations to my cocktail parties in March and April. My reply usually is that I do not want THINGS. I like gifts that can be eaten or drunk, or put on my skin (I love scented body lotions and creams). I like tokens and vouchers that allow me to, say, go and have a massage at the nearby wellness temple, or for the cinema or theatre, or for something as banal as Amazon. Just don't give me THINGS. I hate clutter, and even if the giver of a THING is very dear to me, it won't stop me from either passing the gift on to someone else, or sell it on ebay, or chuck it out (if all else fails).
    When I want to give a present, admittedly I don't always ask... so it is very well possible that some of my presents have found their way into the dustbin on the very next day, although I usually try to get it right.

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    1. There you are, another one who knows what she wants and should be consulted. It would make giving and receiving so much easier.

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  10. My first father-in-law's second wife ( if you see what I mean ) kept unwanted Tombola prizes and gave them , re-wrapped , to us all every year . I can still remember the already opened bottle of scent and the bright blue frilly shower cap , only slightly used .....

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    1. ... which you then promptly returned to her at the next opportunity?

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  11. nice...what a gift, the pen...have not done calligraphy in forever myself...the advent of the gift card has been a beautiful thing....smiles.

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  12. That is a gorgeous dip pen. I love ones with turned wooden handles and this one even has a wooden pen holder. That's a gift I would drool over.
    I agree with you that the little things all year round are more important than the expected or obligatory "present" days--like birthdays and Christmas. :)

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  13. Dear Friko, this posting reminds me of when I was a teenager. Our family always went to my grandmother's on Christmas afternoon for supper and the opening of gifts. One of my aunts lived with her and she always gave my brother and me several gifts. One year she gave me a rather sheer blouse. I enthused over it even though I knew I'd never wear it because I had bad acne on my back.

    As we drove away from grandma's that evening, Mom turned around to look at me in the back seat. "Dolores," she said, "do you really like that blouse Aunt Dorothy gave you? Will you wear it?" I admitted that I'd never wear it. And Mom said, "She'll keep giving you presents like this unless you speak up." That's all she said but I knew she was right. Still, I have a hard time being honest when I'm gifted with something that simply doesn't work for me. It's taken me years piled on years to learn to be straightforward. I've learned that friends appreciate honesty and candor. Peace.

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    1. I know exactly what you are saying. It happens to B. all the time. Be honest, I say, it makes life easier all round.

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  14. Like some of your other readers, I love both receiving and giving gifts. But what I give and want to receive has changed. I don't want clutter and prefer to give and receive gifts of experience - tickets to a play or to Butchart Gardens, a coupon for a manicure, or books. Or something to eat - a consumable, if you will, that won`t take up space somewhere.

    When I give a gift, I try to ensure that it`s suitable. Not like the cake you received.

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  15. Pushed send before I was finished.

    The calligraphy pen is beautiful, and signifies much - Renee sees you as intelligent, creative, in love with the written word, and more. A great gift!

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  16. This was a great blog post Friko and I'm in agreement with everything you're saying. A well thought out present is lovely - as in the gift from Renee, while the other sort are well .... you know :( The ones you donated to the dog charity will according to Murphy's Law be back with you at Christmas to start the process all over again.

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  17. The rituals of presents...birthday, Christmas.....aren't observed by us - but there is absolute delight in seeing something which I know will please a particular person and being able to send it them.
    I have a friend who keeps a store of things she has found over the year for when I visit her in London - a box of wonders!

    So the problem of the social present doesn't really arrive - save for the deluge of birthday cakes recently.
    Not my thing at all, yet the kindness of people in celebrating my birthday in the way in which they celebrate their own was something to cherish in itself.

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    1. That's exactly what I would like too and what I call tokens of appreciation. Somebody truly thoughtful, who sees something they immediately feel somebody they know would appreciate; if it's given there and then, that would be present heaven for me.

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  18. Dear Friko
    Belated Happy Birthdays to you and your Beloved - sorry we didn't know they were imminent when we visited you! The Better Half celebrates his 80th next Wednesday, and I agonised for ages as to what to get for him, but I had a brainwave about 3 weeks ago and have got him a digital SLR camera, as he's always had an interest in photography. His 2 daughters are joining with me to get this, as they're not the least expensive type of camera, and they're both coming to us for most of next week. For my 70th, a few years ago, I dropped a big hint that I'd like a few days at a Health Spa for a bit of pampering - and what did I get? A helicopter driving lesson from Welshpool airport - and my legs were too short to reach the foot controls!! But I did enjoy it, nevertheless, and was able to use the hand controls. But I still haven't had the pampering that I crave - yet. Sigh.. (to quote Perpetua!)
    Hope the lilies-of-the-valley have survived - let us know if they haven't and we'll drop some more over.

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    1. Happy Birthday to BH for next week and I hope that you still get your pampering session. I could give you the name of an excellent masseuse/aromatherapist in B.C., a bit cheaper than a health spa.

      The lillies-of-the-valley are planted, I hope they'll take. I've put them in several places, all shady; surely they'll work in one or two.

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  19. A belated Happy Birthday, Friko.
    Once again it seems that you've hit a nerve with many people. I gave up on birthday gifts long ago. If I buy a gift for one of the children it will be something they've said they'd like, or I'll ask them to go out shopping with me. I'm not very good at receiving gifts at all. Don't know why, but that's it.

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    1. Another person showing good sense. Giving and receiving can be such straightjackets.

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  20. My sibling and I were discussing this very topic some years ago. She said, "I like to give people something I would like, myself." She smiled, much impressed with her kindness and thoughtfulness.
    "Y'see, that's where we're different," I said. "I like to give people something I think they'd like.

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    1. Attagirl! Trust you. I still say we must have been separated at birth.

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  21. My daughters and I worked out a suitable system years ago. If it's something I really want I will ask them to pitch in and help me buy it so it doesn't cost anyone very much. But usually, it's bottles of good liquor or wine all around.

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  22. I find I'm with you here, Friko. I dislike shopping for gifts "just because" it's one holiday or another. I've relegated my children to buy for the grandchildren - my excuse is I don't have a clue what they have or want. I get the credit and none of the work! My best friends and I usually make charitable donations on an occasion when a gift might be appropriate - we gift the charity instead. My children and grandchildren make me hand-made items which I use with love. For instance, I just planted some outdoor posies in little pots they made for me and there are steppingstones in my garden from them. On the other hand, sometimes I come upon something "perfect" for someone, and I delight in buying and giving - usually this isn't at any particular time when they'd expect a gift so they're surprised and happy that I thought of them.

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  23. PS Forgot to say Happy Birthday!

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  24. I drop outrageous hints to Daughter usually if it is something I want and don't feel justified in buying for myself. Often little things. Most gifts I get I put in a large basket on a shelf and regift at first opportunity. I often ask people just to donate to a shelter or foodbank rather than spend money on me. And most gifts I give are handmade.
    XO
    WWW

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  25. First off, best birthday wishes to you and Beloved. As for gifts, I find both giving and receiving them distressing, more often than not. It's rare that I have the prescience to come up with anything sensible for someone else, as Renee has so brilliantly done for you. As for being on the receiving end, I know full well it's impossible to decipher what I might like (I hardly know myself) and feel it's best for others not to try. I think, in the end, I am past the age of receiving things. At this point in my life, the object is to shed them.

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  26. Dear Friko, I am still trying to figure out: are you kind or are you rude (I can't eat this)? One thing is for sure, you are honest, the question is: is honesty more important than kindness? Bitte, nichts fuer ungut!

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    1. Honesty offers an opportunity to connect for real, while dishonesty is not kindness,but pretense that lacks the intimacy of real kindness. Honesty coupled with kindness is the best.

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    2. Yael, of course, nichts fuer ungut. Wir duerfen hier ehrlich sein.
      I would say however, that knowing that the recipient has genuine problems with the gift (cant read - can't eat) and still giving such gifts is even ruder than for the recipient to point this out nicely. Thoughtlessness is never to be rewarded in my book.

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  27. Frico,I really liked tour post, I read it thoroughly with a smile,
    because almost you've written, I fully agree. If I am trying a long time to find the right gift (as I understand it is), often it is not valued by those to whom I gave a present.

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  28. I think I've reached the point where I'd like to say, "Instead of a gift, please donate the cost to SOS Animal Rescue in Redcliff, Alberta, and tell them you're thinking of me. Or maybe the World Wildlife Fund."
    We adopted Lindy from SOS and we love them because we love her.
    Meanwhile, we have far too many things in our little house.
    K

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  29. Friko, I'm with you on this subject. A gift for me would be a voucher from a useful shop such as book or clothing store. Other objects are either not needeed or are of a personal character of my choice. I would probably give likewise - Dave

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  30. I have often told those I love that what I want is time!! I have so much STUFF. No more of that, please.

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  31. My hubby has recently taken up Chinese calligraphy. He enjoys it but finds it very difficult. I think Renee is very thoughtful to give you such a gift, I can see why this is one you will keep.

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  32. I love giving and receiving presents -- but I take forever sometimes finding just the right thing. I am quite good at tucking ideas in the back of my head when I see something and think of just the right person. I am the same way with greeting cards and can spend hours going from place to place to find just the right one. What I like about my prolonged process is that it means I spend a lot of time thinking about this person or that, which means a lot to me especially as so many live so far away...

    Now, then, fellow birthday girl -- is B's birthday on the 17th or 13th? The reason I ask is that my dear father's birthday was on the 17th and we often shared birthday celebrations!

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    1. on the 17th, which gives us three whole days for celebrating, as the one day in the middle might as well be included. We usually have a special meal at home on that day.

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  33. Belated very Happy Birthday wishes to you and your Beloved, Friko. It seems that you all might be Gemini folks, like my youngest brother, and some other local friends of mine. All really fine people!

    I agree with you that gifts can be tricky, and recently usually give presents (or present gifts) that I have made to those whom I do know well.

    Years ago, I would give my father, on his July birthday, the promise of more spring bulbs for his garden. The bulbs would be delivered in autumn, and sometimes I would help him with the planting. These gifts were welcomed, and became a year-round observance. My dad passed away over ten years ago, but mom tells me that some of "my" bulbs are still flourishing. I do not live near my mom and haven't seen their flowers in a very long time. Friko, there is another story here....

    xo

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  34. Gifts are difficult, both to give and receive. However, this is my gift to you - you wanted a song to replace the Hokey Cokey. I've just posted a photo for 'Green Day' and now the song in my head is 'Green, green, it's green they say . . .' I'm not sure which song I find more irritating;-)

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  35. That is a perfectly lovely gift, and it is one you will really enjoy. Like you, I am no good at giving gifts. Could it be said that it is a gift to be able to give gifts? My daughter is so good at that. She not only always knows just the perfect gift for everyone, she also wraps them so well.

    I've been know to re-gift. I always fear that someone will find out I gave their gift away. My favorite gift is just to get a gift certificate to a nursery. That way, I can shop for flowers to plant in my yard, but mostly, I'd just soon that I don't get gifts. I find it a bit awkward to accept them. I guess I'm a bit like you there.

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  36. Wow. Remind me never to bring you a hostess gift! :o)

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    1. I would gladly do so if you showed your face, in blogland and as my guest. Besides, if you were my guest, you'd probably bring a bottle or some flowers, both of which would be received with pleasure and thanks.

      Just don't bring me a cake, which may be delicious, which would, however, cause me great problems after eating it.

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    2. Well, I might bring you wine, but I doubt it, as I have absolutely no confidence at all in my ability to choose anything anyone else might like. And though I sometimes bring flowers, chocolates are far more likely. I also like to give my friends things like fancy scented soaps or candles. I figure, if they don't like them, they can always re-gift them to someone else the next time an emergency arises and they need a little pressie!

      As for not showing my face on my blog site, I don't actually have a blog site, and I could never figure out how to insert a photo on the bit of one that I do have. But if I did have a photo on my comments, it wouldn't tell you much, as it would probably be a photo of a lovely piece of embroidery I was given by a dear friend which has a chickadee on it. Hugs, Carol

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  37. A while back I gifted myself with a 'Fuellfederhalter' and bottles of ink in rose and violet in my attempt to get me to journal more consistently. Pretty, but messy it did not last. Only the other day I rejected a well intended, but wrong for me gift for my birthday a whole month too early. I believe in honesty over politeness. I would hate to have my gifts tossed or tucked away. I tend to give only when I have a real feel for it. Kids are the most fun to please. When there is a true meeting of giver and receiver, it's magic.

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  38. present giving and receiving as an adult is certainly more difficult - as a child you pretty much have to ask for everything you want, whereas as an adult you've probably gone out and bought it anyway

    But imagine how difficult it must be buying for royalty. What do you get the monarch on mother's day if you are Prince Charles

    "Why thank you Charles...Australia...just what I've always wanted...(to servant)...put it over there next to New Zealand would you?"

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  39. One of my friends has, on occasion, given me things from her house or garden-- a rose she's rooted, a child's wooden shoe form--and I treasure those. She, like me, does not enjoy shopping.

    I was looking at your book list. I think you might enjoy State of Wonder by Ann Patchett.

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  40. Friko, you make me chuckle. I've never heard your voice, but when I read your words, I imagine that I can.

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  41. I like to buy presents for the people I know, mostly my husband, daughters and family but also friends if I know what they like. I also like receiving presents, mostly books. If asked, like at Christmas, I’ll give a list of books – mostly old ones and second-hands, and am delighted if I get one of them. For my last birthday Jessica gave me a Kindle – I downloaded a couple of books but am still reading old books rather than the Kindle. Every time I went to Paris to visit my mother (2 or 3 times a year) I would bring her a present and she would give me one – again a book in French or some French perfume, but she is gone. I did not like the presents my father gave me – he never gave me what I was hoping for, he would just come home with 2 or 3 pieces of jewelry – he was a jeweler/diamond dealer – and ask me which one I wanted – often I would chose 2 of them! But I would have preferred a toy then.

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  42. I'm pretty much in agreement with you --presents are tricky -- and the older I get, the more 'stuff' I have and making room for new 'stuff' is always difficult. My husband is the easiest person to shop for -- just buy him some good Scotch, single malt if you're feeling generous, and he's delighted.

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  43. A rather belated birthday wish to both of you. That pen is soooo romantic era in appearance and the colours speak of the yuletide season! How kind and from a blogging friend too!
    Giving I love but I have be selective not about the gift but to whom I shall bother to gift. I can easily sense those who are happy to receive and those who just glance and look for more or better gifts.
    I hate receiving money because I love surprises. I get disappointed if there's no token of remembrance of a special day. When I was just 13 I began to sew gift outfits for my mom and sister. All gifts had to be low cat and practical. I loved the passage of time turning a rectangle of cloth into a dress, blouse or even bathing suit! And my work must have been good because I actually got requests by fabric type, colour and purpose. There was much joy in that.
    My last work ever was a ballet dress for the lead in the Nutcracker. I bought a used wedding gown at a thrift store and remodelled it. My daughter danced well and at the end a gift of flowers for her was in order.
    So I think I am a giver and love to receive. I have no objections to direct requests.

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  44. I know what you mean with the present issue changing with age. I have stuff. Lots of stuff. I can't seem to give away or toss anything anyone gave me, because I know their heart was so full. (Or desperate.) This is my own neurotic thing and I'm trying to get over it, because there's only so much room in the house! There are a few things I would love/want/need, but for the most part, when it comes to gifting, I would rather take someone (or be taken) to lunch or dinner or share an experience -- tickets to a play we'd like to see or going to an exhibit together. One friend and I decided to swap gifts that were consumable.

    My biggest challenge is with people who live far away. I'm never sure if they painted the house and changed their colors and so much for that yellow thing I might send. It's pretty clear they don't have a clue here, either! And their hearts are so full, so of course one doesn't want to be ungrateful. It is a dilemma.

    You know, as a kid, I never quite got why my dad said, "Really, there's nothing I want." Now I'm at the point where "The things I want or need, you can't afford to get me! And shouldn't if you could!" I guess it will always be a dilemma. But I love the opening and I love the wrapping and the sharing. So, who knows.

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  45. I adore how you and your husband respond in the opposite way. Maybe you can read his books and he can eat your chocolates? )

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Comments are good, I like to know what you think of my posts. I know you'll keep it civil.