Monday 5 March 2012

Thoughts on Rising from a Sick-Bed

Lenten Hellebore


Thank you,  all of you,  for your good wishes and kind thoughts. We may not know much about each other, in most cases not even our real names or where we live, but the goodwill we show each other in times of trouble is absolutely amazing. There are about 150 unanswered emails in my inbox; it will take me quite some time to get round to visiting everybody, so you'll have to bide your time. Let me say to all of you, here and now, how much I appreciate this wonderful community of ours.

Doesn't time go slow when we are ill and unable to be active? I've had a lot of time to think. These episodes of AFib are often followed by periods of depression and anxiety - as if I didn't already suffer enough of them when I'm well! - and it's a real effort to motivate myself to get off my back and look around me with open eyes. You'd think I'd make use of enforced inactivity by reading: sadly, a thriller or two is all I can manage. Even TV doesn't appeal. I had to stay upstairs for about 60 hours all told; climbing stairs puts extra effort on my feebly, but very fast, fluttering heart. Beloved brought me endless trays of soups, sandwiches and cups of tea, his arthritic joints creaking, and Benno's wheezing following behind each time. It's a wonder they stayed the course. All appointments were cancelled for the week, although I gave Beloved permission to go off on a lunch date, while a friend came to keep me company. The hosts and the other guests all rang up afterwards to say how much they'd missed me, but nobody thought of providing a doggy bag for me.

I was very fortunate that my GP wasn't on duty; had she been, I'd have ended up in the hospital again. The locum was a younger doctor, who actually listened to my pleas to let me stay at home until such time as I myself found it necessary to call for more intensive treatment. He was a lovely chap, calm in the face of my irritable complaints at being laid up for the third time since September, who very kindly rang the cardiologist for advice;  between them they concocted a regime of medication and bed rest which worked. Recovery is so much speedier when you haven't had to put up with the hustle and bustle of an NHS hospital. No question, in a real emergency, I'd be the first to advocate them, but I just didn't think it necessary this time.

The AFib stopped as suddenly as it had started; I have no idea why I should be afflicted. Unless, unless. . . . . . Perhaps compost heaps and shovelling loads of compost have something to do with it?  No wonder I'm depressed. If this means that my gardening will have to be restricted to a bit of ladylike snipping off of flower heads, I shall feel entitled to becoming even more cross and cantankerous than I already am. Like most people, I am not afraid of dying or being dead, but the idea of a long period of invalidity or painful suffering before death fills me with horror and fear.  And I absolutely hate being the object of anybody's pity. I don't advise anyone to try it; dark mutterings of ingratitude will make them think twice, should there be a next time.


67 comments:

  1. They should have provided you a "get well" bag, or something after that luncheon ;-) So so glad that you are feeling better. Wise young doctor to agree with you regarding your treatment (yes, the patient can know best!). Your hellebore is gorgeous.
    Now, be a good Friko, and stay well!!

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  2. Gorgeous hellebore! I love your grumpiness :) I absolutely agree with you regarding ever becoming infirm! Hopefully that won't happen to either you or me.

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  3. No doggy bag??? For shame!! At least some chocolate cake or something!!!!
    Sheesh!
    Glad you are feeling somewhat better.
    I hate being sick too...hate it!!
    Hugging you
    SueAnn

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  4. No doggy bag? How inconsiderate. Maybe they thought you were too sick to have an appetite? Sorry you have been feeling so poorly and that you might not be able to dig into your gardening like you want to. Life can occasionally be a royal pain in the butt, that's for sure. I hope you are feeling better and better. :)

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  5. Glad you were able to impose your will on the locum - surely it must be difficult for your regular doctor to resist you, although she seems to manage...

    What a tiresome thing to have happen, and far too often. I'm sorry you were laid low by this again.

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  6. I hate this happening to you, Friko. You should be able to dig all the compost you want to dig, without pain or worry.
    How wonderful of your Beloved and Benno to trudge up and down the stairs for you. I think you would look lovely with a basket over your arm, snipping dead flowers and cutting bouquets for your table. Then you can invite all those people who entertained and say they missed you but didn't save any treats for you.
    Revenge is a great cure for grumpiness.
    Luv, K

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  7. So glad you are on the mend once again. You've hit the nail on the head with your expression of the fear of invalidity and weakness that we all dread.
    I hope the dreaded depression and anxiety pass you by this time round.

    The beauty of your hellebore is sensational. I must get me a hellebore before another winter passes.

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  8. i am glad to hear you are better...ugh...and i hope it continues...i def would struggle with limits...but hopefully this will not happen to you...rest up heal up....

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  9. I understand your depression. when I was first out of the hospital after being diagnosed with Afib I was actually terrified of going to bed at night for fear of waking up again to my heart beating 198 beats per minute. Very frightening. You are in my prayers.

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  10. Beautiful hellebore, Friko. I am sorry you have been feeling so lousy. Do you think it's worth pestering your GP to refer you for further possible treatment? They can sometimes be a bit gung ho about things which are really unpleasant for the sufferer.

    It does depend on who is in the hospital ward with you - some fellow patients can become friends, or be helpful and reassuring. Trouble is you can't guarantee it and might end up with some poor demented person in the next bed.

    Stay well, and I hope you can get back to gardening very soon.

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  11. I can sympathize with the restrictions on garden efforts. I have bags of mulch I need to spread where millions of birdy feet have compressed the garden bed. Time was I could sling a 50 lb bag of stuff without a thought. Time was my back was not in such bad shape.

    David has AFib too, so he is a bit restricted, although he doesn't see it that way, stubborn man. Happy to see you are back at your keyboard. Hopefully, you can read cheerful new in various blogs. Thinking of you. Dianne

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  12. So glad to hear that you're starting to feel better, Friko and well done to your Beloved for his devoted care of you. It's always good to find a doctor who really listens to the patient and works with them, instead of dictating to them.

    The hellebore is glorious, the possible gardening restrictions less so. Let's hope they don't materialise.

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  13. Friko, wishing you a speedy recovery/ Love Molly xx

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  14. Ok, I will not pity you, but how about a cup of tea and empathy? Having recently been laid low with yet another gall bladder attack, though not as serious a condition as yours I can certainly relate to the morose thoughts during, and the anxious feelings after. Not knowing when the next attack will come is no fun either.
    It was so lovely to read of your beloveds (human and canine) trooping up and down the stairs, with food and comfort on a tray.
    As for that flower, my winter garden is a hell-of-a-bore (pun intended)now too, but I think I may have a lenten rose or two myself. Thanks for reminding me of it...I don't think it's as lovely as yours, but I'll go and have a look. Happy recovery to you!

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  15. I certainly understand the emotions evoked by this situation. It is such a jolt and 'insult' to be pulled away from our beloved daily activities.

    It does require patience to be a patient!

    Hope you and your heart find your rhythm soon - especially with all the good weather that must be on your doorstep.

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  16. Shovelling compost sounds like a rather healthy activity to me - gardening should be strengthening your heart, not weaken it, right?

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  17. So glad to hear you're feeling better, Friko. I completely understand the anxiety and depression. I have a right bundle branch block which occasionally causes tachycardia, and it's scary and anxiety provoking when it happens. It depresses me that it even happens. It sounds like you're under the care of a sensible group of doctor's though, which helps for certain.

    Let's hope there's no connection between compost and heart beats! ;)

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  18. Ich habe auf Deinen Eintrag gewartet und freue mich, dass es Dir besser geht!
    Ich wünsche Dir eine gute ruhige Nacht!
    Renée

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  19. The healing benefits of any garden task, no matter how small are well known...but I suspect you will be out there digging and shoveling with the best. All things in moderation as you continue to gain strength.

    The Lenten Hellebore is stunning!

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  20. Here's hoping for a speedy recovery :-).

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  21. Beautiful Hellebore! Mine are all a rather ordinary greenish-white - nothing like this exotica.
    I can't believe you didn't get a doggy bag from that luncheon - not fair!
    I think you've probably nailed the reason for this relapse on the head - moving compost sounds like the culprit. I hope that everything settles now and that you can gradually get back to doing the things that make you happy.

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  22. Just now catching up with all your excitement. I do not know how I missed the posts, but it looks like you got lots and LOTs of good will sent your way. You last paragraph on feeling does so sound like me. My advice would be to continue to take it one day at a time and not decide what you cannot do just yet. Just go slow. Your lenten rose is lovely, I have planted little plants of those, but they take years to bloom I am told.

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  23. I'm so glad your feeling better. I empathize. Please take care of yourself.

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  24. Been AWOL for a few days so didn't realize you were feeling poorly! Hope you'll be back to your usual energetic self really soon! But isn't it nice that you have husband and hound to provide some TLC in the meantime?

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  25. Okay, no pity. Like many other readers, I'm most concerned about the lack of a doggy bag. I get very cross myself, when The Other Half comes back from some meal worth babbling about but no leftovers.

    Personally, I am a little worried about the dying part (not the dead part) since there seem to be so many gruesome ways to go and just one really peaceful one. That's my bit for the day. Hope it cheered you up. Hugs x

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  26. At least Spring is springing to greet you now and make you smile.

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  27. Ah, so nice to see you emerge! I'm glad you had a doctor this time who let you recuperate at home, and praise be to Beloved and Benno! Your last lines ring very true to me: "Like most people, I am not afraid of dying or being dead, but the idea of a long period of invalidity or painful suffering before death fills me with horror and fear. And I absolutely hate being the object of anybody's pity. I don't advise anyone to try it; dark mutterings of ingratitude will make them think twice, should there be a next time."

    May there not be a next time for a long, long time, and may you be able to garden as you wish.

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  28. once again your completely honest and singular post evokes an "Amen."
    Well said.

    How little we know of each other, as you say, and yet we do care very much. Found myself wondering about you this day, then glad to see a new post. Days pass quickly, and even such a one as you who lives in my thoughts and my heart, goes unvisited until, like today, I find that I have been absent from significant events.

    Inevitably I find myself thinking of friends and family no longer 'here.' Certainly NONE of us are ready for YOU to be one of them. Gotta go now, Husband is home with an infirmity - think I'll look in on him. Bless You my dear Friko

    Aloha from Honolulu
    Comfort Spiral

    >< } } ( ° >

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  29. You seem to be in fine form now and I'm glad of it. I too would rather recuperate at home. I certainly hope it isn't the gardening. Gardening makes you healthy!

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  30. Hope you are feeling better soon. Your blog is very honest and genuine. I share in your love of chocolate and I think it's good for the soul. Once in a while. Do you have a cat? Cats are peaceful and can help ease your worry. Good thoughts to you.

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  31. Glad to hear you're doing better. Google is your friend as to the whys and wherefores of this inconvenience. Stay well.. be strong.

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  32. So happy to hear that you are on the improve.
    Gardens are a passion of mine as well. There are four compost bins which are full and need to be spread. So far I have resisted the urge. But I have some more spring bulbs on order so I don't know how much longer I will be able to resist.
    Cyber hugs from afar.

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  33. We haven't been friends long enough for you to be checking out. Too many more posts to share. So forget it and get back to work!

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  34. Your hellebore is beautiful. I love the colors.

    "AFib followed by periods depression and anxiety - as if I didn't already suffer enough of them when I am well!" I could have written those lines myself. Reading these words written by you gives me great comfort. I also wonder how I will garden this summer. I love my garden. It is what keeps me somewhat sane.

    There must be something in the air. I had an attack in the middle of the night on Saturday. Thankfully, my attacks are not AFib, but very rapid heartbeat that goes into arrhythmia. I was sent to the hospital on Sunday morning even though I begged and even cried trying to keep the doctor from making me go.

    I do so hope they find an answer for you soon.

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  35. I am pleased your are doing better Friko. With so many encouraging comments coming from your blogging friends that should make you feel even better. Blogging friends are real friends indeed. Maybe you overdid it in the garden? You need to take it easy for a while. Your hellebore is stunning and the photo is very crisp. It is sweet of your Beloved to spoil you a little – you need that.

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  36. May I add to the chorus of get well wishers?!

    What is life for , if not for living to the fullest.

    Spring is just the thing for any lingering dark.


    be well .

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  37. Home is so much better than hospital. Surely you won't have to give up gardening. Perhaps a smaller shovel, and go a bit slower. I'm so glad to hear you are better.

    Answering 150 emails would make me sick all over.

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  38. Hope you continue to improve, Friko. When I'm low I think grumpiness is good - and pity help anyone who wants to argue the toss - it gives energy that can be hard to find. And I always think I'm getting better when I have the energy for it. Take care.

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  39. I can sense your spirits rising, which is a good thing, isn't it? Listen to your body, Friko.

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  40. I am so glad that you're feeling a little better . It all sounds frightening , infuriating and depressing in equal measure and even knowing that you've recovered from other episodes doesn't help at the time .
    Now that you've proved that a hospital stay isn't always the best option , maybe your G.P. will be more open to discussion if this happens again .
    As for wielding shovels , pitchforks and tree roots ? .... Pick smaller shovels , pitchforks , tree roots etc. and have more tea breaks . After all , fresh air is Good For You .

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  41. So glad that you are on the road to recovery. I'm sure that there's plenty to do in the garden that doesn't require heavy lifting. I hope you're back out there soon.

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  42. As you don't want pity I won't offer any - I'm not much good at gushy platitudes anyway...but feeling unwell, imposed bed-rest and missing out on a good lunch isn't much fun so sympathy there. Thank goodness for Beloved and Benno - what stars they were/are.

    Hope your heart settles down soon. Perhaps you can recruit a muscular young thing to do the really heavy tasks?

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  43. Perhaps they knew you well enough to know that no doggy bag would have you back in circulation demanding to know why!

    The last lines of your post strike a chord - I'm not sure if I am afraid of death or dying ... I have never even thought about my own demise, but I do know I am impatient with inactivity and hate being told to slow down or rest!

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  44. My ex has Afib and it's so miserable. As soon as I got over the fact that he actually has a heart, I felt terrible for him. Get better soon and out to the compost heap.

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  45. That hellebore would lift anyone's spirits. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

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  46. See, now . . . this is a difference between us. I would be thrilled to have a legitimate excuse not to fetch and carry and tote.
    You are fortunate indeed to have loving friends and a Good Husband and a Good Dog to take such good care of you. No more than you deserve, after all.

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  47. So glad to find your post, you must be feeling better. No fear of death or dying - wow, you are way ahead of me. I agree that hospitals ought to serve for emergencies only, but home is where the rest and healing can happen. Take it one day at a time while you listen to your body. The flower was captured beautifully.

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  48. Glad to hear you are feeling better....sometimes its nice to have someone else looking after you.
    But looking around at all that gardening to be done won't help....so try not to fret :)

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  49. I'd be too obsessing about that missing doggy bag and the ingrates who non-created it.
    So, so glad you are alive, downstairs and grumpy.
    Me too.
    XO
    WWW

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  50. I am glad you are feeling better! Take care of that heart!

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  51. It's good to know you're up and about again. Thank goodness for young ears that listened and allowed you to recuperate in your own home - so much better for everyone. Take care - the compost can cook a little longer.

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  52. Dearest Friko,

    You should appease the doctors professionalism and stay on light duty. If we were neighbors, however, I would let you mow my lawn to get you back in shape, truly I would! Seriously, you flutters should be treated with kid gloves, for we need you back here in the blogosphere. If you can only vivisect flowering buds, then so be it. The compost bin can live without you, but we can't ....

    Get Well Soon,

    Jackie

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  53. Oh, my -- I had no idea -- I've missed reading for a few days and am catching up. Now I see your post below and this one, and I feel so very sad I didn't spot it sooner so I could add my good wishes to all the others who have rushed to your support.

    Well, I have to say your post is something with which I resonate. In having a chronic illness (mine's lung) that can flatten you, it always breeds the idea of while not being so afraid of death, it's that period of suffering or just inactivity that fills one with fear. I trust that your health care professionals have you under watch and I'm sure the meds are looking for something to offer relief in all their research. Over here in the states we see many commercials from medical companies advertising the next best drug for afib. I know nothing of these, but I hope one will come to your rescue.

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  54. Glad you're feeling cantankerous - surely that means you're better!

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  55. Welcome back -- just take your time and don't rush yourself... The flower is so beautiful and such a wonderful promise of Spring.

    Benno and Beloved are definitely stars with or without doggy bag!

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  56. What a beautiful heliobore - we call it Lenten Rose. Either way, it is splendid.

    Good to hear you a bit on the mend and what good care you have had. It's okay to be grumpy. I do it now and then and I feel if you are going to be grumpy, might as well it a really good grump.

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  57. Hello Friko, I've been away from blogging for a while and had no idea you were unwell. I know all about Afib - my youngest daughter had an episode when she was 13 and it was a harrowing experience. She was on medication to control it until she was 20 years old. During one of my pregnancies I developed heart disease and was in CICU for the last four months of the pregnancy. It is a terrifying experience and certainly leads to depression and anxiety. I felt so betrayed by my own body. Something going on inside MY body without my knowledge until the moment it rears up - how can that be? Well, it can be. I'm keeping you in my prayers Friko. It took me a while to accept that I can't overdo it in my physical activities. At first I had great resentment and great fear - but somewhere along the line I was grateful that I could accept my limitations and still be my crazy old self.

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  58. Glad you are getting well without being in the hospital. I have spent very, very little in one as a patient but I think they are too noisy. How can a person get well with all those nurses talking and cackeling loudly outside your door?
    Good luck and get well soon

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  59. These body disturbances can really mess with our heads. I'm glad you're well enough to say hello to your online community.

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  60. Dear Friko,
    It's wonderful that you are feeling better--cantankerous or not! I just commented on your posting in which you told us about this episode. And in a few minutes I then find that all is well. I'm so glad. I was worried that you'd have to deal with this in the hospital again.

    O je jigs and juleps of joy!

    Peace.

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  61. Hello:
    We are late, so late, please forgive us.....

    Our hearts are heavy knowing that you have been struck down again with this most debilitating of illnesses. We can imagine your frustration and your concern at putting those whom you care for and love under extra strain. All of this is so energy sapping and the tasks that one can remember simply whizzing through in past times hang over one like dark clouds.

    Perhaps you simply must take greater care of yourself and must accept the limitations that your illness brings. It is not easy. It will not happen overnight but you are precious and you owe it to yourself as well as to others who hold you dear.

    If we were closer, then first aid supplies of food, drink,tea [no sympathy] and tall tales would be winging their way with us in tow to your door. As it is, although a thousand miles separate us, you are close in spirit!Take the greatest care!!!!

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  62. Well done, Friko, I admire your stoic spirit. Being able to manage your illness in the way that suits you is an important part of handling the diseases that affect us as we get older. Take care in recovery and keep writing. You seem to avoid the self-pity that does for me when I can't shovel the compost and that is a good thing too.

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  63. A beautiful hellebore! And how much better it is to recover at home!

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  64. As far as I know, I've never seen a hellebore. It's so striking and elegant - not a bit of froufrou about it.

    I'm so glad you were able to escape the clutches of the NHS and recuperate at home. Being unwell is difficult enough without having to fend off the "And how are we today?" sorts.

    I'm with you when it comes to the desire to avoid a long leave-taking. On the other hand, if we were to promise no pity whatsoever, might you accept some slight solicitude on your behalf? ;)

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  65. The hellebore is tremendous. And so is hearing that you are feeling well again. Drat it all about the gardening though! I don't like slowing down either. And all I want to do is to rake out the leaves in the beds.

    Do take it easy. Moderation is the key, until you figure out your limitations.

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  66. You illuminate much for me, in telling of your life. I'm so sorry for the muck you're living with. Not able to read or watch tv? Yes, that's a bad state indeed. All the best to you, friend.

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  67. If this means that my gardening will have to be restricted to a bit of ladylike snipping off of flower heads, I shall feel entitled to becoming even more cross and cantankerous than I already am.

    ha ha. Please don't feel the need to respond to all my comments. I've just enjoyed myself immensely. You are a wonder. :)

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