Wednesday 14 March 2012

Milestone Day


Thanks, Hilary





Even before I was fully awake this morning I found my thoughts wandering in the mists of a time long gone.  Today was one of those significant milestone days for us, the kind which race towards you with the speed of an express train as you get older, and which will, in the end, overtake you. I wanted to hold on to this reverie and  allowed people and situations to rise up, which happened to someone other than the me of today, not the gloomy, fearful me I have been of late. Once upon a time I was convinced of my ability to overcome any obstacle; whatever happened, I'd find a way out; I did not see myself as invincible, but sturdy and strong and as determined to flourish as the hawthorn bush clinging to an inhospitable, stoney bank.




Recently my thoughts have dwelt on the difficulties that lie ahead. It seems that the future is shrouded in a fog of uncertainty; we talk but cannot come to a decision about what to do for the best. Our house is bigger than two people need, and I can manage neither house nor garden without help. Regular, permanent help is both expensive and a nuisance, relying on others has never been easy for either of us. Beloved has had to hand in his driving licence. Although I am glad that he isn't driving, it has come as a shock. We knew that his sight is deteriorating, but now it's official, real.



An estate agent has given us a figure for the house and told us that, due to its location, it is eminently saleable. What she doubted was that we'd find anything comparable in a smaller size and a similar situation. We are quiet and secluded and just five minutes away from the centre of the village. Not to mention the castle in the back garden. (The header picture of this blog shows our house and the window on the far right is my study window, where I am sitting at this moment, typing this post). We only bought this house because of its situation.


There is, of course, a further problem with moving. Divorce, a death in the family and moving house are the three most common contributory factors towards a heart attack. So, round and round we go on the merry-go-round of what to do, what to do.

This morning my reverie brought illumination: we'll do nothing at all for the moment. Every time we look around us, we see how very desirable life here still is and how much we would miss the freedom we have become accustomed to. No noise, no traffic, unlimited access to open spaces, a friendly village and a wonderful landscape to lift the heart. I must learn to accept my limitations  - Beloved already has -, and act accordingly; I must stop fretting; fear of the future won't help, facing up to problems and dealing with them as and when they arise is what the old me would have done, perhaps I can rediscover and reanimate traces of her even now.

There, the gloom is beginning to lift already.

71 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you are going through this low patch, Friko. Unpleasant diagnoses can take the shine off life for a while, and I hope that you soon find yourself adjusting to this situation.

    I suppose your house is not capable of being converted to include a small apartment? of the type that could be let for holidays, or to a local person, or even a friend or family member, without it intruding on your lives. Even a tiny place would yield a useful rent .

    This probably doesn't sound a very practical suggestion, and of course I don't know the layout of your property.

    But it's the first one that occurred to me!

    I think that stopping fretting is the answer, and it's a matter of getting the mind into a different place and, yes, truly living more in the moment.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The choice to do nothing just yet sounds imminently sensible. The positives you describe have me drooling in envy.
    It is so hard though to admit that some things are no longer possible. I am still fighting the loosing battle. Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
  3. What a view you have – this castle in your background and then all the pastoral country life all around you. I know it is difficult sometimes to know what the best course of action is. But as my mechanic used to say when I owned a Renault Fuego – don’t fix it until it breaks down (it never did and I finally sold it.) So, don’t go until you have to – enjoy it now. I just saw yesterday on the news a lady celebrating her 100th birthday at work, where she teaches small children daily. Here, it is the same for us, we wonder if we should move – but we like the isolation, the mountain close by and the great airport which is even getting bigger in May. You did come upon a great milestone Friko – enjoy it, savor each day, and be nice to yourself – when you are tired – just stop working in your garden and do nothing – just look at it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wird schon werden, Friko. Ich schick Dir gleich mal eine mail, hoffentlich siehst Du sie diesmal...

    ReplyDelete
  5. SO much is due to our perspective. Look what a little shift in yours accomplished! As I get older the more I seem to need to repeat the mantra "loving what is".

    Your images provided a beautiful accompaniment to your words Friko.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My guardian angel reminds me--when in doubt do nothing. When you relax, stop, and listen the way will become clear.

    It's a shock when things shift on you and your path is altered in ways that are out of your control. But there will be a way. You are adaptable. For now, just wait and know that an answer will arrive in due time. Enjoy the lovely spot you have in this world right now. It is truly magical! Best wishes to you both! *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  7. These are such tough issues. We've had our own versions of this from time to time. We're right now going through one of those phases, as we head toward retirement and hope to hold on to our house, at least for a while. After a worrisome day today of trying to make the numbers work, I took myself out to the front porch and sat in the sunshine, binoculars at the ready. I watched a bluebird pair flit down to examine a nesting box we’d put up last fall, and in rushed what is so very good about our life. Step by step, I counseled myself for the umpteenth time. What needs must, and the rest can fall away for now.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Without knowing you or the details of your situation very well, I can say that the tone in your writing leads me to think that you've made the very best decision for now. The way will be made clear.
    What a lovely situation you have. I'm glad you told us which was your window. I scrolled up to the top again just to look there and imagine you writing.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh, Friko, I know what you mean.
    You've made the best decision. Don't rush into selling your wonderful home. Wait until after I've been there to visit. No, seriously, you will know when it is absolutely necessary. It isn't yet.
    K

    ReplyDelete
  10. When physical changes occur, it is difficult to wade through all the overwhelming "what ifs" without sinking in a mire of despair. Bravo for you, working to emerge from the gloom through your strong sense of uplifting realities in your life.

    Your words and images have helped me today on my own journey. Sending positive thoughts and a prayer along with my gratitude.

    ReplyDelete
  11. if you dont have to wait...you have the most incredible view...i would die for a castle in my back yard...when it is time you know it is moveable...

    ReplyDelete
  12. There is something very beautiful and life encouraging about what you've written here, Friko.

    When I for some odd reason look back to some earlier version of myself who made certain plans, and had certain expectations, I now laugh. I then truly had no idea of what life would turn out to be.

    Wondering if I know any more about it now. xo

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sometimes I admit to people that worry is my middle name, so I can relate. And Jesus spoke most often about "do not worry" and "fear not", which Scriptures I love to read.
    A Castle right near you, now that would be hard to leave. I hope you find an IDEAL place, smaller, still quiet, just right for you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. So many have to face these very difficult decisions every day. It sounds like you are facing realities.
    It would be so hard to leave that beautiful view. It will work out.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Friko, you live in an uncommonly beautiful place. If it makes you happy to stay there, then maybe you should. And if the paint starts to peel a little, or the garden gets a little rough around the edges, well just let it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Sis- For such I feel you to be -

    let me say again how resonant your post is with me. And it's not primarily your faultless writing.

    My (Blog Invisible) husband said today, regarding moving off of, and selling our boat: "We will retire from life-as-chess game, and play checkers!" We are simplifying and down-sizing in order to be as happy and carefree as possible for as long as possible on what we have. Happily, even as inevitability rushes headlong in our direction, it brings with it promises too of things I have glimpsed from a hospital bed, from Elysian psychedelic and muddy fields in my youth. "The best is yet to be."

    But not yet-

    Aloha from Waikiki
    Comfort Spiral

    >< } } ( ° >

    ReplyDelete
  17. I think you've figured it out Friko. Staying put sounds reasonable, pleasant and do-able. The idea of a suite could be a good one - someone close by to help out if you need it might be nice. I thought I'd have to sell Pondside as I now have to take care of much of it on my own, but it seems that we'll stay and just do less with the garden, and that will work for me.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Lovely images that fit your tale perfectly. Your conclusion seems natural and inevitable. I do believe in not doing, unless one has, or wants to. Seriously, a dear friend in her late eighties contemplated new arrangement, but could not bring herself to give up the house, but when it was time, it all did go so easy and worked out beautifully. Having space to accommodate help can be extremely practical and a means to stay home and avoid institutional care. I cherish the time ten years ago when I took care of an elderly couple in a similar picturesque spot of the world. I like to believe the arrangement was mutually satisfactory. Best of wishes to you both.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I;m so sorry that life has been so uncertain and disheartening of late, Friko. The reality of our limitations as we age really do bring us all up short and cause us to grieve in our own ways. I'm so glad you've decided to stay put for the present time at least. Your home and the surroundings are so beautiful. It's so good for the soul, even as one's physical abilities wane.

    ReplyDelete
  20. What a wonderful place to live! It would indeed be a shame to give it up. Yes, having regular help is expensive, but other than a nuisance it can also enrich your lives with the relationships to the people who come to help, as well as giving them an opportunity to earn a bit of money with work that is satisfying. Maybe you can even just downsize in your house; rooms you do not use all the time certainly do not need to be included in the weekly round of cleaning.
    I do hope the two of you will be able to enjoy your beautiful place for a long time to come yet!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm sure you don't want to hear the likes of me, philosophising. I think your previous self is right. Cross the bridges as you come to them. Deal with each situation as it arises.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hi Friko .. so many wise words here - and all agreeing with your positive outlook without the upheaval. If I lived in your 7th heaven .. I'd stay there I know come hook or come crook!

    Enjoy what I hope will be a beautiful sunny day .. with many more ahead .. Cheers for now - Hilary

    ReplyDelete
  23. Is there a way you can get some local services in - the kind of things aimed at keeping people at home for as long as possible? And/Or getting bits of the house made safer for getting around in. Yours is a beautiful setting. And as you note moving is a hard choice but one which you must come to in your own time.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hello:
    In no way should we wish to be negative, nor to add further doubt or gloom to what you may already be feeling, nor to run counter to all the encouragement and kindness shown by all the commentators above, BUT we should say, based on our own experiences [as possibly you know] that the time to act, to effect change is whilst one is still able to cope easily, as you can, with all that it entails and to be in a position to choose between various options rather than have circumstances, in extremis, dictate what you should do.

    ReplyDelete
  25. No room for gloomy dear one. Life is short and you need to fill it with joy and forward thinking. Keep your heart light...I will be praying for you both. That would be an eye opener to have to turn in a drivers' license. Wow! I would be in shock too. At our age..lots of shocking things happen...like how old we are!! WTH????? How did that happen?
    Ha!!
    Be well sweetie and take each day and it's problems as it comes.
    Hugs
    SueAnn

    ReplyDelete
  26. A decision is such a relief. Even a decision to change nothing is still a decision. I would hate to think of your giving up all your surrounding beauty to appease the demons of age. You might have to do it someday, but not yet!

    ReplyDelete
  27. As this is now on your mind, it is perhaps a sign that it is time to start thinking of how you want to move forward and how you can deal with the limitations you are faced with getting older. There is now doubt that it is more difficult for you now because while where you live is idyllic and stunning and who would ever want to leave? My husband and I spent a year living with my parents in New England because they were no longer able to cope with the upkeep of their house and property and we wanted to make things as easy as possible for them. All of my siblings helped to find a solution to their predicament, but until my father suffered a major incident they did not want to think about it. The main point here is that they had a lot of support and help and now my mother is on her own and very very happy where she is living and not having to worry about the upkeep and maintenance of a house and garden. But don't rush around thinking you have to make a decision before you've taken the time you need. But I would suggest that you should keep an open mind about what the future holds. My husband and I are also having to consider what we want to do in the next few years. We are both going along very well at the moment, but we want to choose for ourselves while we still can...

    ReplyDelete
  28. This story is common enough to those of us who are lucky to live long enough. Ability to embrace change and to find the best parts of that change are what make life worth living. Do not dread of this move comes to pass. You are strong and will survive even through the initial stress. You might idly look for property with the view that you will not leave you home for years...but just as a project to prepare. Other opportunities might present themselves as well...you never know.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I read your post and then got bogged down in reading all the sensible comments, who pretty much said all that I was thinking. For now, I would simply continue to enjoy the beauty surrounding me. It is one of the most beautiful places I can imagine living in.

    Your post brought home to me how much this present moment means. It's really all I have. Eleanor Roosevelt said (paraphrased), the past is history, the future is mystery, now is all we have.

    ReplyDelete
  30. being fearful never led to good life. don't create problems, plenty will arrive at your doorstep anyway. and you do know the way. take things as they come and deal with them then. in the meantime enjoy.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Whatever you do, don't move into a condominium (apartment). The maintenance fee every month will kill you. Can you tap into the equity of your house? That might help with the bills. Here in the US, we have something called a reverse mortgage. Google it if you have time. I have a reverse mortgage and it has been a godsend. As you age, it will be difficult to manage stairs to an upper floor. So, if you do need to move, try to find a single story house. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Friko, you have summed up so well the dilemma which faces so many of us as we get older and less able to do everything ourselves. I'm glad you're happy with the decision you've mad for now, and indeed my DH and I feel the same about our remote and inconvenient house in Mid-Wales.

    However I'm with Jane and Lance and The Broad in believing that some planning ahead does no harm and makes eventual change more manageable, and we're doing some of that at the moment too.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Dear Friko, I commiserate with you in this time of doubt, when shadows of the future seem to loom over you.
    I do not have either the right or the wisdom to tell you what is best nor even to suggest.

    What I can share with you is the mantra I said during the hardest eighteen months of my life when I had Meniere's in its worst form.

    Many times during the day, when I was crawling on the floor or vomiting or feeling the walls and ceiling spinning around me, I would murmur, "And all shall be well, and all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be exceedingly well."

    That mantra got me through those difficult days. It's attributed to Juliana of Norwich.

    Please know that I hold you in my mind surrounded by healing white light. May you find within yourself the answers to your deepest needs and may you know peace.

    Peace.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I think it becomes clear what the right decision is , once it's decision making time . By that I don't mean that it's going to be easy .... but by then you'll believe yourself that a change is neccessary and accept it better.
    Meanwhile you are in an excellent position to hear all the gossip about houses going up for sale .

    ReplyDelete
  35. In the end only you and your Beloved can decide, and sometimes decisions are forced upon you. But, until that time, think once, twice, three times, and don't rush anything. You live in an idyllic place — and that certainly ain't worth trading in quickly by any means.

    My father— after my mother died — lived on in our old family home for years. It was too big for him, he paid for help (and he was mean, believe me), and everyone (social services, family, well-meaning villagers and do-gooders) urged him to move into a little flat in the village, complete with safety bell-pulls and nosy neighbours. But he hung on, happy in his own home, till his death (at an advanced age). And I, for one, am glad that he did.

    ReplyDelete
  36. wow Friko, what a commenting producing post...such lovely blogger friends you have. They gave good counsel...both ways
    But it is obvious that you are not ready yet to make a change....
    but the old you always can be depended upon to keep it on the backburner
    May Beloved's adjustment to not driving go well

    ReplyDelete
  37. Keep on keeping on until you know you must move on.

    ReplyDelete
  38. All we can do is live one day at a time and deal with what comes that day. Yesterday is a cancelled check, tomorrow a promissory note. Don't clean up the wreckage of the future. I have 5,000 more sayings up my sleeve. You sound like a Hawthorn to me. Dianne

    ReplyDelete
  39. First of all, your home looks like ... looks like ... why, it looks like heaven on earth!

    A lot of us find it difficult and awkward to rely on others, esp. when we're so used to doing things for ourselves. But as we age we have to learn that it's okay to let go, that there's nothing wrong about letting others do things for us ... and we need to learn how to accept their help with grace, gratitude and dignity.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Friko, Your house will be easy to sell, while finding alternative accommodation will be difficult. You love your house, and you're used to it and your surroundings.
    Yes, stay where you are!...but definitely look for the ideal next home...and when you find it be secure in the knowledge that your current home will sell easily. Take your time, but do think about ways to make life easier while you are still in proactive, rather than reactive, mode. I feel confident that your common sense will overcome this panicky feeling you are having in reaction to milestone being reached.
    (I think my father is about to have his driver's license yanked. His doctor has sent a report to our Department of Motor Vehicles....and dad doesn't know why. I think I know...)
    Your gloom has lifted because you ARE a resourceful person. Remember that!

    ReplyDelete
  41. It was indeed quiet some day. Rising after four days 'grounded' by the Flu.
    Wishing you all the very best !

    ReplyDelete
  42. This post resonates deeply with me, Friko, not only because it is written as always with your inimitable honesty, but because I am also involved in these issues of selling, buying, and relocating. Were it not for my wife's persistence, I would do exactly what you have done—sit tight and don't make any decisions until things become clearer. Time has a way of resolving many issues; at the very least, it will tell us when something has to be done.

    I admire your Beloved's acceptance of his situation. I can only hope that I have the courage to be so resilient when the time comes to relinquish some of the things that I associate with freedom. As for the future, it is only an illusion that the future is more uncertain than it has been in the past. The future is always uncertain, and the most we can do is to develop the resolve to embrace whatever comes our way. I try to believe that everything is unfolding as it should. I try to anchor myself in trusting the process. Good luck to both of you. I'm quite sure that every day will continue to bring something wonderful, however small, into your lives.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Can you close up some of the rooms and so make the space you must care for smaller? Can you do the same with the grounds? let some of it go back to wild? I like that your decision was to stay on where and as you are for now. Time enough for dealing with the impossible when it happens!

    ReplyDelete
  44. It seems I'm in the same place in my life, as you are.

    Albeit it, without the castle and the study view, which I would probably not ever want to leave except in a box.

    It's good to come to some sort of decision.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I believe we are all going through the same sort of thing Friko. I suppose it's just a matter of growing older, I don't know. But I do know this, I'll be damned if I'm going to spend the few years I have left depressed and fretting. I might be falling apart at the seams but... chin up and enjoy the beauty God gives us everyday. Tonight, the planets are spectacular with a waning moon rising. It never fails to make me smile.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I like your plan to wait and see -- and not to fret about what you can't manage. Such beautiful surroundings!

    ReplyDelete
  47. The first photo of this post caused me to again reflect upon what a blessing it would be to live in such a beautiful place. Then, I started to read the words you wrote about the dilemma you have on your mind.

    I can relate too well with your situation. My husband and I are not surrounded by such beauty, but we love our home and feel we could not leave it. On the other hand with my heart racing out of control, we wonder how we can stay.

    I think your last paragraph speaks great wisdom. Fret not. Deal with situations as they come. Acceptance of limitations is a big one. I think you are finding your way in a very difficult time while surrounding yourself by the beauty that surrounds you. Thank you for sharing your fears and your wisdom with us.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Thanks for this post Friko, I am going through an uncertain patch myself and I am heartened by your words.
    Cour-age. In the French sense of it all.
    XO
    WWW

    ReplyDelete
  49. You seem to be handling things beautifully, Friko. Nobody knows what these things are like until they appear. I can see why you wouldn't want to leave your lovely situation. "Fear not" is the most appropriate phrase I can come up with. There are much more beautiful worlds beyond this one.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Sometimes the best thing to do IS stop fretting. Things have a way of shaking down, and what really counts is that you are looking carefully at all sides of the issue and making thoughtful decisions, not ones predicated on fear or fret. I know old-self is right there in you. You'll find her. I can tell -- you're searching!

    ReplyDelete
  51. Yes. I think you are so wise to stay put. Such a beautiful place you live in and what a stunning view! I wouldn't give it up for anything (short of death or divorce) ;)

    ReplyDelete
  52. The best time to make a decision is when it needs to be made. You decided that for today. You can always revisit if/when needed. Your solution is so right for today. I hope that brings you peace. Your home is so beautiful. A dream location. Keep living that dream, dear Friko.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Friko, this post really touched me. I felt my heart grow heavy as I read each paragraph but at the end, felt the gloom lift even as I read your decision. When in doubt, wait it out.

    We shall see what other variables present themselves as the spring and summer progress.

    Thinking of you,
    -Suze

    ReplyDelete
  54. To be surrounded with views and atmosphere you treasure can go a long way towards a feeling of well being...it sounds like that is where you are at right now. I agree with the one commenter - "when it doubt, wait it out."

    ReplyDelete
  55. sounds like the best plan - don't rush into any thing, take your time and make the right decision at the right time - that will help to take away the stress of any decision that may come along

    ReplyDelete
  56. warum bleibt ihr denn nicht dort, wo es euch gefällt, nur weil es tradition ist, immer umzuziehen?! wenn dein garten zu viel arbeit erfordert, dann richte es doch mit gardener so ein, dass die natur sich vorwiegend selbst überlassen kann. auch ein "wilder" garten kann sehr schön sein...! und: der lehrer meines spirituellen lehrers hat einmal gesagt, das, wenn man die richtige antwort nicht weiss, einfach nichts unternehmen soll. das habe ich mir sehr zu herzen genommen, ich bin überzeugt,dass das einfach das beste ist, einfach abwarten, bis die dunklen wolken vorbeiziehen...!
    dir einen wunderschönen ruhigen und frohen tag!
    renée

    ReplyDelete
  57. Thank you, Friko. You touched me to the core with this as I hope it helped you in the writing of it. While we don't have a castle in the garden, we have similar pastoral reasons for living here. Though I know the next decade will be bringing about changes, health issues, and those of economy that we will have to deal with, it is good advice to live in the moment. I can't offer any more than the myriad of advice you've already received, so, I'll wish you sustained peace of this moment in time.

    ReplyDelete
  58. ... wollte auch noch sagen: die bilder sind wunderschön!
    renée

    ReplyDelete
  59. I'm very sorry for the rough patch you are going through. Your home is spectacular and the views are marvelous. Maybe wait until there is no other way. Ruby

    ReplyDelete
  60. I had been reading your blog for several months and always noticed the castle in the header. Finally, one day, I saw your house in the foreground!

    I am pondering upcoming changes as well, though they're probably not as imminent as yours. I have faith that it will all work out. Otherwise, I can be consumed with frustration. Not a good place for me.

    ReplyDelete
  61. Stunning photos. Such a beautiful place you live... The day I put my home of 25 years on the market I decided to buy a narrowboat. It was totally crazy, of course, but it was the only thing I could imagine that would make it up to me. Stay as long as you can, and when you decide to leave, choose something different, as you must, but maybe not too easy or too safe. I bet you and Beloved have more adventures in you yet.

    ReplyDelete
  62. dear friko, i came over from hilary's to say congrats on your POTW. this was incredibly poignant and very touching. God bless you and your husband with many peaceful days there...

    ReplyDelete
  63. Stopping by from Hilary's to wish you congratulations on your POTW.

    This is my first visit here and oh my goodness, you live in a beautiful place. I can see why making a change would be difficult.

    Best of luck to you for whatever and whenever you decide to do.

    jj

    ReplyDelete
  64. I really enjoyed this, because I have much the same feelings of fear and uncertainty........getting old has surprised me in so many ways.
    I think maybe you are making the right choice for now.
    Glad I stopped by......Congrats on POTW.

    ReplyDelete
  65. I so enjoyed this today. It is sort of how I feel as we look at downsizing and moving into the next phase of our lives.
    Congrats on your POTW ... well deserved!

    ReplyDelete
  66. We have a few years yet (we think, anyway) but I know we'll face the same decisions about this house we built ourselves in a place we love. I think you're making the right decision to not decide anything right now. A well-deserved POTW!

    ReplyDelete
  67. It's hard getting old when we're still so young inside!

    So glad you made a decision. Enjoy all that beauty - it's stunning.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Will be thinking of you as you mull over hard decisions. You are right to do nothing whilst you feel so unsure. You obviously live in an incredibly beautiful place. Blessings

    ReplyDelete
  69. I think you wrote yourself out of your gloom, and I am glad of that. You live in such beauty, it would be a shame to give that up; those decisions are never light. Enjoy your garden and your village now.
    Congratulations on your very well-deserved POTW!

    ReplyDelete
  70. Very beautiful post, Friko.

    ReplyDelete
  71. I think you have made a wise decision. The view is stunning and slowly start looking around at other possibilities, but this way it is a fun thing and nothing you are forced to do. Stay in the place you love for as long as you can. (again.... it is stunning!)

    ReplyDelete

Comments are good, I like to know what you think of my posts. I know you'll keep it civil.