Monday 7 March 2011

Count Drackie and the Character Forming Qualities of Garlic

WILLOW'S MAGPIE No. 56




Count Dracula of Transylvania, Drackie to his friends, had had great fun tormenting his English visitor, the solicitor John Harker. Harker had given him plenty of legal advice regarding a proposed purchase of land over the border in Bukovina and was becoming a bore. Drackie wanted to visit England but for some reason Harker was totally opposed to the idea. He said it had something to do with Drackie’s best lady friends, also known as the ‘Brides of Dracula’ and Drackie’s habit of spending the night over a flagon or two of wholesome Dragon’s Blood. Drackie had had to lock Harker in his room for his own safety. There was also the question of Harker’s intended, the insipid Mina, who insisted that she should join Harker and fetch him home to England.

Drackie took one look at her; usually very fond of the ladies, he shuddered at the thought of nibbling her neck amorously, too bloodless by half, these English women. He much preferred the buxom, lively gypsy girls he employed in his castle. The castle was another reason he wanted to go off on a visit to England; the place was a crumbling ruin, falling to bits while he watched. It was high time he found himself one of these English builders who advertised themselves as specialist renovators and refurbishers of ancient monuments. A spot of interior decorating wouldn’t go amiss either.

Harker’s objections notwithstanding, Drackie took passage on the Demeter which was sailing to Whitby. He took a box of his favourite silver sand and earth; both were needed to acquaint English workmen with the kind of material they'd find in Transylvania.

Once in England, Drackie made his way to a group of friends of Harker’s and a couple of girls. One of the girls, Lucy, was no better than she should be, if I tell you that she was keeping three men dangling after her, you’ll understand what I’m saying. Drackie had a go too, they soon hit it off and Drackie was up to his old tricks, imbibing merrily. The other chaps were very jealous, as you can imagine and planned to do away with Drackie once and for all.

To this end they hired a Dutch chap, Van Helsing, who had form and knew all about assassination. In order to lull Drackie into a false sense of security they invited him to dinner at Quincey’s, an American chap, who was one of the conspirators. Van Helsing suggested the menu and they agreed to feed Drackie on mushrooms in garlic butter, garlic chicken and red onion marmalade, and for dessert a delicious garlic-cranberry-orange ice cream. A very fine old Burgundy was poured with a lavish hand. Candles flickered, a fire burnt in the deep grate and bouquets of flowers, artfully arranged and tied to polished, sharpened stakes stood in tall vases.

Drackie ate and drank like never before. He was amazed at the flavours he was experiencing, the ambience of the room knocked him for six. He looked round admiringly, taking it all in avidly. Exactly this is how he saw his castle, he must find out who had been the guiding hand behind this lavish décor. Hang the expense, he must have the finest workmen and take them to Transylvania.

He sucked on a garlic clove. As the succulent flesh melted in his mouth, his whole being mellowed. One by one, he gazed at his fellow diners. His throat constricted and his eyes misted over. A single tear ran down his cheek, try as he might to control it.

“My dear friends,” he croaked, “ my heart is heavy with remorse. Forgive me for treating you and your hospitality with disdain. Never again will I hurt your feelings, nay, the feelings of any man, woman or child. You have shown me such kindness, such generosity of spirit, that my shame overwhelms me. Henceforth it shall be my one desire to emulate you and do all in my power to take your civilising influence and apply it to every walk of life in my poor, backward country.”

When Drackie finished his speech, the conspirators looked at each other.

Van Helsing spoke. “Damn”, he said, “now what”.

29 comments:

  1. Brilliant! I just loved it ... and I loved 'Drackie' :o)

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  2. haha...you are brilliant...loved your retelling of the classic...a converted man, i say!

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  3. My English master at school had very black hair, rather beady dark eyes and always wore an academic gown that flowed out behind him as he walked. He was a natural to be nicknamed "Dracula", shortened to "Drac." But you don't want to know that!

    I love (as always) your retelling of Bram Stoker's tale. Stoker shifted the action to Whitby because - though Irish - he lived there. Local colour I suppose. The tale has recently been retold on BBC Radio 7 in the wee small hours. I kept falling asleep, and so missed out on what happened to Lucy Westenra, whose ghost now flits around blogland, you may have noticed?

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  4. Wonderful! I was sitting on the edge of my seat reading all this with bated breath. You are a brilliant storyteller Friko. Loved it! I'd heard that garlic capsules were good for the heart! :0)

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  5. Nice tangent, dear one.
    Not only did you take the garlic
    by the skin and run with it,
    you spun another of your fractured
    tales beautifully. I am nearly
    bereft of kisses from the Muse.
    Only the garlic gods can guide me.

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  6. Haha! "Drackie" cracks me up. Clever write, Friko!

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  7. Fantastic, Friko. You have such a gift for story-telling. You weave your plot with skill, and the English slang you use is just a hoot. I love that bit "who had form and knew all about assassination" thrown casually in there, as if everyone with a criminal record ("form") knew about assassination. Too too funny. You're wonderful.
    -- K

    Kay, Alberta, Canada
    An Unfittie's Guide to Adventurous Travel

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  8. Well, they do say Garlic is very good for your health. I suppose so. BTW I have a jar of dried Dragon's Blood in my pantry. This is true. It is acutally the resin of any one of several tropical trees, including Dracena. See what you learn when you study those sixteenth century alchemists?? Dianne

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  9. I wonder if Drackie had room for a stake, after all that?

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  10. Great tale, Friko, what an imagination you have.
    By coincidence, I passed Bram Stoker's home in Dublin recently and pointed it out to my kids who were v. impressed.

    I love Martin's comment.

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  11. This could definitely be a small novel. I enjoyed the style of your words...you are able to write as if it was old school.

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  12. "Now what?"
    Van Helsing needn't worry . There's the cookery series , the interior decoration series , the Hidden Corners of Europe series ( Drackie's special project , perhaps ).....
    They'll be household names within the year .

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  13. A great take on Stoker's tale and I didn't shutter in fear as in days of old...hmmm...I was planning on a dish with chicken and garlic tonight...will let you know how it goes...

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  14. friko you're hilarious and clever and such a good writer!!! steven

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  15. The meal sounds terrific and Martin's comment was admirably horrific. Thanks for a lively romp with the undead, Friko!

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  16. Are you by some chance related to the Brothers Grimm? You can surely fashion a tale.

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  17. Looks like we were following the same muse....never ready to leave Drac alone..the living dead..still alive and kicking!!Good work!!

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  18. wie Du nur all diese Geschichten erfinden kannst und jedesmal dieses unerkennbare, meist so erfreuliche Ende! Bewundernswert! Eine Schriftstellerin ist an Dir verlorengegangen!

    Einen sehr schönen Tag wünscht Dir

    Renée

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  19. Way to go Drackie...you are a great storyteller....cheers...bkm

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  20. Masterful re-realizing of the familiar tale!



    Aloha from Hawaii


    Comfort Spiral

    ><}}(°>


    ><}}(°>

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  21. Oh my gosh Martin's comment cracked me seriously

    maybe take him on as an apprentice
    Great story, great talent Friko

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  22. accomplished, skilful and compelling. Thank you!

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  23. Brilliant! You and Martin would make great writing buddies...!

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  24. Drackie sounds like a man after my own heart! Great remake!

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  25. 'The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft a-gley' - Van Helsing wrong-footed!

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  26. hahahah...AWESOME!!
    I used to love Drackie for what he was (ooohh...).. but now I love him for what he IS as well!! I LOVED how you fitted Van Helsing into the picture! Too darned good, Friko!!
    It's really tough to plan against someone who has decided to go good.. no?! :)
    I really really enjoyed this one!! :)

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  27. Very laid-back recast of the classic Gothic horror.

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  28. A great tale sparkling with fine humor – I liked it (plus I like garlic… well I was brought up in France after all….)

    I clicked on the Willow’s Magpie link you gave and was surprised to see so many bloggers names. I had not realized that many bloggers use this as inspiration. You know, this reminded me of a show on the radio I used to listen to when I drove home from work, and I loved it. It was called “My word.” A sentence or quotation was given and the contestants had to come up with a story and finish with that sentence or quotation. You would have been marvelous at this game. Did you ever hear the show?

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